Friday humour - April 07, 2006

From Davo at bluehaze:

G'day

  Sorry to Ex-Hollywood Len and any others who couldn't get some of the pics
  initially working in the last issue and my previous one.  I've altered
  the way I put (throw!) it together and after making a foolish mistake I
  multiplied the error significantly.  Fortunately the Great Man was on hand
  to correct it with a quick script.

  Winter seems to have suddenly arrived in Oz and the Man of Steel has just
  taken us back to 1900 with his new IR laws.

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  We start with a News Flash from Burnout and Treetop Eric

On Wednesday of this week at 3 seconds past 1:02 AM the time and date
was 01:02:03 04/05/06

The next time this will happen it will be the year 3006.

Only a person who likes numbers appreciates things like this.

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    And a Digi Maria quickie

                            How do you like your eggs?

She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast. He walks in
and asks "What's for breakfast?"

She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to me this very
moment".

He, thinking it's his lucky day, stands her over the kitchen table and
they have sex.

Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?"

She says "The egg timer's broken!"

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   More from Smithie

                             LIFE STYLE EXTRA (UK)

More than a third of a million British victims of bird flu are to be buried
in plague pits if an outbreak of the deadly disease takes hold, a leaked
government report revealed.

Mass burials similar to the plague pits used when the Black Death swept
through Britain in the 17th Century will be enforced should the H5N1 strain
of the virus mutate and infect humans.

A Home Office report entitled 'Managing Excess Deaths in an Influenza
Pandemic' experts predict that the outbreak could kill as many as 320,000
people despite plans to stockpile 14.6 million anti-viral doses.

It said vaccines would lessen the number of deaths but does not provide a
cure for the virus.

The report said that grieving relatives would have to wait four months before
they would be able to bury their loved ones and mass burials would have to
be enforced by the government to cope with the number of dead.

The draft report said emergency services may be forced to introduce mass
plague pits to stop the spread of killer disease that has already killed
105 people around the world.

Experts fear if the virus mutates and is able to spread from human to human,
it could kill as many as the 1918 flu pandemic which killed 50 million people
across the globe.

The report said: "Common burial stirs up images of the burial pits used in
the great plague of 1665 - where in London 70,000 people died.

"Common burial might involve a large number of coffins buried in the same
place at the same time, in such a way that allowed for individual graves to
be marked."

It said local authorities had the capability to cope with 48,000 deaths in
England and Wales if the outbreak lasted 15 weeks.

But it warned: "Even with ramping local management capacity by 100 peer cent,
the prudent worst case of 320,000 deaths is projected to lead to a delay of
some 17 weeks from death to burial or cremation.

"If the rate of death peaks at 2.5 per cent, the message is simple - no
matter what emergency arrangements are put in place there are likely to be
substantially more deaths than can be managed within the current timescales."

The report added ministers would have to give the go ahead for mass graves
and that vaccines against bird flu should not be seen as a "silver bullet"
solution.

It said: "Medical countermeasures against pandemic influenza should not
be regarded as a 'silver bullet' solution. Treating people with anti-viral
drugs lessens, but does not cure, illness."

A Home Office spokesman said: "We do not comment on leaked documents.

"The Government is taking seriously the possible threat of an influenza
pandemic, in the light of the global situation and the possibility that a
novel strain of the influenza virus could emerge.

"Prudent precautionary planning is underway across all elements of the
response, including the health service, other essential services and local
authorities."

He added: "We are making preparations and working with all government
departments."

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A Stonefish quickie

                               KISS ME, DOCTOR!

A woman is in her doctor's office, and suddenly shouts out "Doctor, kiss
me!"

The Doctor looks at her and says "It's against the code of ethics to
kiss you."

About 20 minutes later the woman again shouts out "Doctor, please, kiss
me just once!"

Again he refuses, apologetically, and says "As a doctor I simply cannot
kiss you."

Finally, another 15 minutes pass, and the woman pleads with her doctor;
"Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!"

"Look" he says, "I am sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you. In fact, I probably
shouldn't even be screwing you right now."

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   This weeks pics are from Burnout, Allnutts, Nottingham Smithie, Sister
   Carol, Sammy Point, Whizzbang, John Sando, Stonefish, Digi Maria,
   Croydon Caz, and Mad Mick from Marwick.

   From Cartographer Chris:

                         SYDNEY TRAINS - TRUE STORY

A Sydney sign writer who was obviously bored at looking at the train grid
map decided to have a little fun making a similar copy and replaced all the
stickers in three carriages of a Tangara one night.  It took two weeks for
City Rail Staff to notice the different poster: Click here


    From Megazorch:
Hi guys,
First one from my friends who are doing the "trip around Oz thing" and likes
breaking the rules: Click here

Second one I took myself when I spotted the true context for RSS in a meeting
room at CMIT.  As far as levelling the projector goes, I guess you could call
it a "support" service: Click here

>From new contributor Sam Point:
Hi, after spending 5 days at Innisfail just after the cyclone with a Rural Fire
Brigade ICC Disaster taskforce, even though I like Bananas In Pajamas jokes,
I think this PPS is more what you need to show. It was bad enough with Kay
McGrath from channel seven Brisbane failing to engage her blonde brain and
going on about "where was all the help", when we where trying to get through
the floodwaters from the South with our Task forces from Townsville as the
Cairns access was totally out whilst she putted into Innisfail with her
small media helicopter to bad mouth the response, without any fresh water or
assistance for the people of Innisfail. Only her mouth! And hot air doesn't
give many calouries!  Sorry, not agro, but after seeing and dealing with
the human side close up, a family of 6 all living in their bathroom which
was the only thing left of their house, cyclone jokes and whiners are still
a bit off-putting to me :-)
Here is the PPS preview of the special on channel seven on Saturday.  And you
should see the damage to Mission Beach!  Keep up the Good work, Sam -
 Click here


Whizzbang's classic pics
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Digi Maria's - My owner is an idiot
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Total relaxation
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Guy with the bottle (XXX rated) Click here

Multi-tasking Click here

Charades Click here

Quiet fishing day Click here

Yogi's song (audio) Click here

Spoil sport Click here

Chopper's driving school II Click here

Randy animal Click here

Speed saves lives Click here

A dilemma Click here

Yoga (A repeat but a classic :-) Click here

Snowfight (May be a repeat - but it is cute) Click here

Your choice (fairly lewd) Click here

Cheap door trick Click here

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   From Optusnet Linda via Fosters John

                          SAY WHAT TO ME, DUDE?

Like most everybody, LaChania Govan of Chicago got bounced around when
she called her cable company to complain. She made dozens of calls and
was even transferred to a person who spoke Spanish a language she doesn't
understand. But when she got her August bill from Comcast she had no trouble
understanding she'd made somebody mad. It was addressed to "Bitch Dog." "I
was like you got to be freaking kidding me," said Govan, 25, of her reaction
when she saw the bill. "I was so mad I couldn't even cuss." Two employees
were fired after company officials went through records and identified them
as being involved in the incident.

JUST WHAT WAS IN THAT RECIPE?
How about the Idaho high school boy who fed a batch of s_men-frosted brownies
to a fellow student and his friends? It seems the teenager was more than
a bit ticked when his classmate put peanut butter in his cheese sandwich
days before. As a police report said, the prankster, who has since agreed
to admit to three counts of disturbing the peace, "hated peanut butter and
it made him more mad than he could explain."

GAVE A LICKING AND KEPT ON TICKING
An Oregon education board reprimanded a Central Linn High School football coach
for licking the wounds of several student athletes. Coach Scott Reed admitted
licking blood from the knee of one student and the arm of another. It was not
clear why he did it. Linn County Sheriff Dave Burright called the licking
"bizarre" but not criminal because contact wasn't forced. Three students
said it appeared the coach was "just joking around."

SO EASY. EVEN A CHILD CAN DO IT
An Anderson County, S. C., sheriff's deputy was temporarily sidelined by his
boss after the officer's pistol went off during a gun safety class at a middle
school. It seems the weapon discharged when a student pulled the trigger as
the deputy was showing the kids how hard it was to take a gun from an officer's
holster. The bullet fired into the floor, and debris cut two students.

ONE WIFE AT A TIME
Another South Carolina deputy had a lapse of judgment, too, but his was of
the matrimonial variety. Sumter County sheriff's deputy Jay Follin was fired
for being married to two women at the same time. Follin, 27, was separated
from his first wife when he married his second, according to a department
investigation. His second wife, the investigation revealed, was already
married to another man at the time. Everything became known when the husband
of Follin's second wife filed a complaint with the sheriff's department. The
couple was separated at the time.

PSST! TRADE YA SOME GOAT FOR A ROCK
Four Connellsville, Pa., men ended up behind bars after they allegedly stole
and butchered a goat so they could trade it for crack cocaine. Two of the
men, police said, stole and killed the 4-year-old pygmy goat and then took
it to another residence where two more men skinned and butchered the animal.

40 GOATS FOR CHELSEA CLINTON. DO I HEAR 50?
Kenyan councilman Godwin Kipkemoi Chepkurgor says he offered Bill Clinton 40
goats and 20 cows for his daughter's hand in marriage five years ago. He's
still awaiting an answer.

HEY! WHATCHA LOOKING AT?
A Pittston, Maine, man arrested after he was found peering at a teenage
girl from the business end of a New Hampshire rest-stop privy has pleaded
no contest to criminal trespass. Gary J. Moody was given a 30-day sentence
that will be suspended if he maintains good behavior for two years. The judge
cited Moody's public humiliation from the ensuing publicity in not jailing him.

HOOD? WHAT HOOD? WE DON'T SEE NOTHING
Two Cedar Rapids, Iowa, men landed in jail after they continued driving
on Interstate 380 when the hood of their car popped open and covered their
windshield. Instead of stopping to fix the problem, the men stuck their heads
out the windows so they could see and kept going. Two Linn County deputies
took note and pulled them over.

ANOTHER STORY ABOUT THE DANGERS OF SMOKING
A man riding in a car on Arkansas 234 near the Oklahoma border didn't go to
jail following a long night of drinking. But he did go to a hospital after
jumping from the vehicle in an effort to retrieve his lit cigarette. Jeff
Foran was recovering after leaping from the car and landing hard on the
roadway in a failed bid to grab the butt, state police said. "If anything
could make him stop smoking, this should be it," said Trooper Jamie Graver.

MAMA MIA! ALL SHE WANTED WAS SOME PIZZA
An 86-year-old Charlotte, N. C., woman spent two nights in the city lockup
after police said she called 911 dispatchers 20 times in a little more than
30 minutes to complain about service at a pizza parlor.  Dorothy Densmore
told dispatchers the shop refused to deliver a pie to her apartment. Densmore
wanted the workers arrested. Instead, police arrested her.

NEVER WHEN MARRIED
Authorities in Wisconsin pinched a 63-year-old man who allegedly had a
fondness for calves. Harold G. Hart, of Neillsville, reportedly told police
he stopped at a Greenwood farm "at least 50 times" to have s_x with calves
there. The man, however, told police he never had s_x with animals while
maintaining a relationship with a girlfriend or his wife.

HONEY, I'M HOT FOR YOU
A 38-year-old Oregon man wearing a gasoline-soaked cape set himself on fire
before getting down on one knee and asking his longtime girlfriend to marry
him. About 100 people gathered to watch Todd Grannis perform the flaming
stunt for Malissa Kusiek, who said "yes."

SHOOT. HE WAS JUST TRYING TO BE FRIENDLY
In Muscatine, Iowa, Dean L. Wooten was fired for greeting Wal-Mart customers
with a computer-generated photo in which he appeared to be naked except for
a carefully placed Wal-Mart bag. Wooten reportedly told customers the store
was cutting costs and the bag was the company's new uniform. A supervisor
told him to stop showing the photo after customers complained. He was canned
when he displayed the photo again.

AIN'T FUNNY TO THIS BUNNY
The Easter Bunny wasn't laughing this year. Bryan Johnson, who portrayed
the holiday rabbit at a mall in Bay City, Mich., says he was pummeled in an
unprovoked attack by a 12-year-old boy. "He just started hitting," Johnson
said. Johnson suffered a bloody nose but kept his cool because he figured
it was inappropriate for the Easter Bunny to battle back.

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   From RAAF Brett via Fosters John

The Priest who could not lie A distinguished looking young lady is on a
flight returning from Switzerland. She finds herself seated next to a priest
and asks" Excuse me father, may I ask a favor of you?"

"Well of course Miss, what can I do for you?" he replies.

"Here's the dilemma, I purchased for myself, a superbly sophisticated
electronic hair remover. I paid a lot of money for it. I really went well
over the limits set forth by Customs, and I fear they will confiscate it
from me. Could you perhaps secret it through Customs for me under your robes?"

"I certainly could my dear, only I must warn you I really am not ever able
to lie..."

"You have such an honest face father, surely they will never ask any questions
of you," and with that she hands him the hair remover.  After landing they
proceed through Customs and it becomes the father's turn in line.

"Father, do you have anything to declare?" asks the Custom's officer.

"From the top of my head to my waist I have nothing to declare my son."
Finding this answer a little strange the custom's officer proceeds to ask,
"And from the waist to the floor, what do you have to declare?"  The father
replies, "I have a marvellous little instrument destined to be used on a
woman, but which has never yet been used..."

Roaring with laughter the Custom's officer says, "Go right through
father. Next!"

    ... and ...

Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married,
and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next.  Finally a friend
asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are
you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them
home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like
your dear ole mother?"

Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again.

"So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your
Mother?"

Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother
loved her, they became great friends."

"Excellent!!! So,.... Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"

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    From Muse of London, Canada

Today's Ebonic word from the Detroit, MI Public School System:

      OMELETTE

Let's use it in a sentence:

"I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide."

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   Burnout said Mad Bob would love this one

                                      WORK THIS OUT

A Lebanese man arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia. He stops the
first person he sees walking down the street and says "Thank you Mr. Australian
for letting me in this country, and giving me housing, money , free medical
care and free education!"

But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am Russian ".

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by.

"Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia !"

The person says "I no Australian , I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes
his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful Australia !"

That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not an
Australian !"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an Australian?"

She says, "No, I am from New Zealand !" So he is puzzled, and asks her,
"Where are all the Australians?"

The Kiwi lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says, "Probably at work!"

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And this one is from Mad bob

                                  Illegal Immigrants

I cross ocean, poor and broke,
Take bus, see employment folk.
Nice man treat me good in there,
Say I need go see Welfare.

Welfare say, "You come no more,
We send cash right to your door."
Welfare checks, they make you wealthy,
Medicaid it keep you healthy!

By and by, Got plenty money,
Thanks to you, TAXPAYER dummy.
Write to friends in motherland,
Tell them 'come, fast as you can'

They come in turbans and Ford trucks,
I buy big house with welfare bucks.
They come here, we live together,
More welfare checks, it gets better!

Fourteen families, they moving in,
But neighbor's patience wearing thin.
Finally, white guy moves away, . .
I buy his house, and then I say,

"Find more aliens for house to rent."
In my yard I put a tent.
Send for family they just trash,
... But they, too, draw welfare cash!

Everything is very good,
Soon we own whole neighborhood.
We have hobby it called breeding,
Welfare pay for baby feeding.

Kids need dentist? Wife need pills?
We get free! We got no bills!
TAXPAYER crazy! He pay all year,
To keep welfare running here.

We think AUSTRALIA darn good place!
Too darn good for white man race.
If they no like us, they can scram,
Got lots of room in Pakistan.


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More from Notingham

                    This takes stupidity to a 20 metre depth

MEXICO CITY (Reuters) - A Mexican man and his son were killed when a well they
were cleaning filled with carbon monoxide, and a neighbour, two soldiers and
a policeman died in a botched attempt to save them, police said on Thursday.

Fulgencio Eleocadio and his son, Daniel, lowered themselves down to clean
the 65-foot- (20-meter-)deep well on Wednesday, taking a small gasoline
generator with them to power electric lights, a police spokeswoman said.

The two were killed after carbon monoxide from the generator filled the well,
located between the Mexican city of Cuernavaca and the beach resort Acapulco.

A third man who climbed down to find out what happened to them died, as did
two soldiers called from local barracks and a policeman who tried to rescue
the men.

A doctor who examined the bodies said all six died of asphyxiation from
the gas.

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Quote of the Week:

  "Can companies simply sack workers to rehire them on poorer terms? If that
   turns out to be legal, the Government has a big political problem."

         Editorial, The Age (4/4/2006)

   Comment: The Government can do what they damn well like so long as the
   average Oz moron keep on voting them back in.  Plus - the "opposition"
   (Labor) isn't too flash this week anyway. [ Tony - the other FH editor
   and Bluehaze webmeister ]
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[ End Friday humour ]



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