Friday humour - March 31, 2006

From Davo at bluehaze:


  G'day
After a wonderfully successful Commonwealth Games which Oz won convincingly
in perfect weather, we start turning the clocks back and start looking
towards winter.

Check out the pics ... Click here and Click here

And now to the jokes ...

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First up from Allnutts

                                 HOLIDAY ISLAND

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to
make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them
as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought
some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc...

The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their tourist garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the
scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came
walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde
passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father, Good morning,
Father," nodding and addressing each of them, then moved on.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

The next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous
outfits. These were so loud you could HEAR them before you even saw them. Once
again, the two priests (incognito) settled on the beach, in their chairs to
enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing
a string bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again,
she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father," and started to
walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just
a minute, young lady..."

"Yes?" she replied.

"We ARE priests, and proud of it, but I have to know.

How in the world did you KNOW we are priests, dressed as we are?"

Father," she replied, "it's me, Sister Mary Francis"

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>From Whizzbang

                      SOME GOOD ADVICE ON FORWARDING E-MAILS.

Do you really know how to forward e-mails? 50% of us do; 50% do NOT. Do you
wonder why you get viruses or junk mail? Do you hate it?  Every time you
forward an e-mail there is information left over from the people who got the
message before you, namely their e-mail addresses & names. As the messages
get forwarded along, the list of addresses builds, and builds, and builds, and
all it takes is for some poor sap to get a virus, and his or her computer can
send that virus to every e-mail address that has come across his computer. Or,
someone can take all of those addresses and sell them or send junk mail to
them in the hopes that you will go to the site and he will make five cents
for each hit.  That's right, all of that inconvenience over a nickel! How
do you stop it?

Well, there are two easy steps:

1) When you forward an e-mail, DELETE all of the other addresses that appear in
the body of the message. That's right, DELETE them. Highlight them and delete
them, backspace them, cut them, whatever it is you know how to do. It only
takes a second. You MUST click the "Forward" button first, then you will have
full editing capabilities against the body and headers of the message. If you
don't click on "Forward" first, you won't be able to edit the message at all.

2) Whenever you send an e-mail to more than one person, do NOT use the To:
or Cc: columns for adding e-mail address. Always use the BCC : (blind carbon
copy) column for listing the e-mail addresses. This is the way that people you
send to only see their own e-mail address. If you don't see your BCC: option
click on where it says To: and your address list will appear. Highlight the
address and choose BCC: and that's it, it's that easy. When you send to BCC:
your message will automatically say "Undisclosed Recipients" in the "TO:"
field of the people who receive it.

So please, in the future, let's stop the junk mail and the viruses!

Finally, here's an idea!!! Let's send this to everyone we know. ( but strip
my address off first). This is something that SHOULD be forwarded.

Hope you find the above info useful and helpful.

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   This weeks pics are from Whizzbang, Croydon Caz, Burnout, Trina, Brett
   Dude, Studio Dave, Treetop Eric, Anne & Pete, Nottingham Smithie, Muse from
   Canada, Allnutts, Oregon Steve, Wellington Ben, John Sando and Little Di.

>From Eric in his tree:
Enjoy a Cuppa on me :-)
-Eric
That Guy in South Africa... Click here

>From new contributor David:
Hi All,
Enjoy your weekly humour and now I figure it's about time I contributed.
Don't know if they are what you're looking for or if you will even
publish them, but here are a couple of images I photoshopped  on a lunch
break one day,
Cheers, David.
[ We publish anything ... ed ] Click here Click here

>From Burnout:
Hey guys
I'm selling 2 mobiles that I'm not using anymore, if anyone is
interested:
1) Almost new Nokia with camera (4.1 mega pixels)
2) Older model Nokia with camera and vibrating alert
Have a look at the pics and let me know if you're interested. Also send
to
any of your mates who may need a phone.  Prices negotiable.
Cheers Click here

>From Steve in Oregon:
The President, First Lady and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One.
George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a
$1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out
of the window and make ten people very happy."  Cheney added, "That being
the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a
hundred people very happy."  Hear ing their exchange, the pilot rolled his
eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. Hell, I could
throw all of them out of the window and make 56 million people very happy.
 Click here

>From John Sando: From Click here
"A ground fault on the Low Voltage side of this substation creates an
arcing fault that behaves like an uncontrollable welding torch from Hell,
chewing up everything in its path. Unfortunately, protection hardware fails
to open the High Voltage side or is unable to sense the presence of the
fault. Excessive current eventually causes the windings on the substation's
power transformer to overheat, severely cooking its innards and causing
the mineral oil inside to begin boiling. In a vain attempt to prevent the
transformer's tank from exploding, pressure release valves or a failing tank
gasket vents clouds of superheated oil vapor which then ignite and explode
in a ball of flame. Finally, a phase to phase short circuit occurs, perhaps
caused by a flashover within the flames or a heat induced fault within the
transformer. This causes a high side expulsion fuse to blow with a flash
and a resounding BANG, finally killing power to the substation.

However, by this time, the weakened transformer's tank fails, and it dumps
hundreds of gallons of flaming mineral oil onto the already devastated
substation. Local firefighters can only watch from a distance since, with
the substation energized,  there's no way to safely fight the fire, and the
substation is a total loss. As linemen often say, "Firemen don't mess with
their wires, and linemen don't mess with their fires".  A very sobering
look at the explosive power lurking within that quietly humming substation
in your neighborhood..." Click here

>From Brett Dude:
Anyway i said to my boss can i borrow this $3,000,000 ferrari for the
weekend ? and he said Yeah sure Wayne just make sure you bring it back
in one piece! so i called later and said What about 50 pieces, ha ha ha.
What happens to a  Ferrari after hitting a pole at 200+ mph....!
 Click here Click here Click here

US world map Click here

Give him a push Click here

Two caualties of Cyclone Larry Click here

Brokeback Mountain - The Sequel Click here

Redneck riverboat Click here

Gymnasts who didn't make it to the Commonwealth Games: Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Best lips Click here

AIDS warning Click here

Pervert Click here

Mans bra Click here

Funny stuff Click here

Flash Click here

Slimming Click here

Quick clean Click here

Magic shoe laces Click here

Breath in Click here

Titties and beer (repeat) Click here

Neat washer Click here

Patches - the Horse Click here

Totally screwed Click here

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   One from Fosters John

                                 CANNON FODDER

This guy is going to be in a play. He practices his line over and over again.

They only gave him one line because he tends to be very nervous on-stage. He
gets so say, "Hark, I hear a cannon roar".

The night of the play, he is pacing behind stage, working up a sweat, he
comes on-stage at the right time and waits to say his line.

His turn is getting closer, a loud BOOM echoes and he says, "What the hell
was that?"

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>From Burnout

                                  FEMALE POEM

I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen all day long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I want him to be gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, not be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind,
and knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
And forever be my very best friend.

                                        MALE POEM

I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a
liquor store and a fishing boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit


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Whizzbang sent this in

                                  THE THREE SISTERS

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters.

They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit
worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise
to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card
said nothing but: "Nescafe"!

Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the
Nescafe jar.

It said: "Good till the last drop".

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and
the card read: "Rothmans"

Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from
the pack: "Extra Long. King Size"

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mom waited for a week,
nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month,
a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African Airways"

Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the
worst, and finally found the ad for SAA.

The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mom fainted!

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Quote of the Week

   "The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those
    who have not got it."
          - George Bernard Shaw


[ End Fri humour ]


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