Friday humour - March 24, 2006

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

           Hey,
      It's almost April Fool's day - except it falls on a Saturday this year,
      so you can either (a) relax, or (b) cry into your beer mug and just
      put off that brilliant prank.  For 2 years, in fact, because the next
      weekday April 1st is in 2008 (a Tuesday).  Oh well ...

      Lots of multimedia stuff again this week, and for those we thank Kevin
      VK3ZI, Ex-hollywood Len, Muse, Maayan, Whizzbang, Burnout, Pooley,
      German George, DEA111, Maria, Bob, and Eric.  You've done brilliantly
      again, guys.

      In the textual department though, first up for this week it's a couple
      from the magician's assistant, Fifi (aka Biggus):
                           -------------------------


                             LOVELY RAISIN LOAVES

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts
and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk
and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.  Noticing the length
of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has
a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely.

The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which
is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly
beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would.

Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves,
as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of
bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking
quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to
enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another
male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just
to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated
and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself.

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men
standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring
up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man
"Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin."

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----


          ARE THESE WHAT WE CAN EXPECT FROM OZ GOVT IT IN THE FUTURE?

                      New Tech Support Fee Schedule

Calling me with a question --- $10

Calling me with a stupid question -- $20

Calling me with a stupid question you can't quite articulate - $30

Implying I'm incompetent because I can't interpret your inarticulate problem
description - $1000 + punitive damages

Questions received via phone without first trying help desk - $10.00

Questions where answer is in TFM - $100.00

Calling me back with the same problem *after* I fix it once - $100

Insisting that you're not breaking the software, the problem is on my end
somehow - $200

Asking me to walk over to your building to fix the problem - $5/step

Asking me to drive to another town to fix your problem - $50/mile + gas

If you interrupt me while I was trying to actually fix somebody else's
problem - $45/hr

If you try to hang around and get me to fix it now - $50/hr

If you expect me to tell you how I fixed it - $60/hr

If you've come to ask me why something isn't working that I'm currently
working on - $70/hr

If you're asking me to fix something I fixed for you yesterday - $75/hr

If you're asking me to fix something I told you I fixed yesterday, but never
did fix - $85/hr

If you're asking me to fix a quick patch that I made that didn't work - $95/hr

If you're bugging me while there's another admin in the room who could have
done it for you - $150/hr

Making me trek to your office to fix your problem then leaving immediately
after hanging up the phone - $1500.00

Calling up with a problem which "everybody" in the office is having and
which is "stopping all work." Not being there when I rush over to look at
it and nobody else in the office knows anything about it. - $1700.00

Explaining a problem for 1/2 hour over the phone BEFORE mentioning it's your
personal machine at home - $500.00

Self-diagnosing your problem and informing me what to do - $150.00

Having me bail you out when you perform your own repairs I told you not to
do - $300.00

Not telling all of your co-workers about it - $850.00

Figuring out you mean floppy drive when you say hard drive - $50.00-- AFTER
I order your replacement hard drive - $250.00

Fixing your "broken" mouse with a mouse pad - $25.00

Fixing your "broken" optical mouse by rotating the mouse pad 90 degrees
- $35.00

Fixing a "broken" mouse by cleaning the rollers - $50.00

Fixing your "broken" printer with an ink/toner cartridge - $35.00

Fixing your "broken" ANYTHING with the power button - $250.00

Fixing the "crashed" system by turning the external disk back on - $200.00

Fixing the "hung" system by plugging the Ethernet transceiver back in - $375.00

Fixing the crashed name server by plugging back in the SCSI cord someone
accidentally yanked out on Friday afternoon when the 'real' sysadmin has
just left for a two week vacation - $400

Visiting your old university and fixing the broken PC by plugging the monitor
lead back in - $50

Explaining that you can't log in to some server because you don't have an
account there - $10

Explaining that you don't have an account on the machine you used to have
an account on because you used it to try to break into the above server - $500

Forgetting your password after it was tattooed on your index finger - $25

Changing memory partitions without informing me first - $50

Installing programs without informing me /getting permission first - $100
per program

Technical support for the above programs - $150 per hour (regardless of
whether I know the program or not)

Spilling coke on keyboard - $25 plus cost of keyboard

Spilling coke on monitor - $50 plus cost of monitor

Spilling coke on CPU - $200 plus cost of motherboard swap plus hourly rate
of $150 per hour spent reinstalling the system

Leaving files on desktop - $5 per file, $10 per day the file is left unclaimed

Bringing in your own copy of the original Norton Utilities v1.0 to fix a
brand new machine - $200

Chewing on the end of the graphic tablet stylus - $25

Putting feet up next to workstation after ten mile jog through NYC streets
- $50

Spending 30 minutes trying to figure out what your problem is, and another
5 explaining how to verify and fix it, only to hear you say...  "So that's
what the little box that popped up on my screen was telling me to do!" - $400

Listening to your network troubles, suggesting that you check to see if you
are plugged into the network jack, hearing yes, trying five other things,
asking you to identify your plug type, listening to you drag furniture,
and hearing a sheepish, "Oops. Never mind." - $35 (including discount for
polite apology)

Dealing with tech support requests for obviously pirated software - $25

Dealing with "How can I get another copy of [obviously pirated software]? Mine
just died." requests - $45

Having to use the "We're really not the best people to talk to about that; why
don't you try calling the number on the box in which you bought it?" line - $55

Actually needing to explain copyright law to you after you failed to get
the hint in the previous response - $95

Having to point out anything that's on the wall in a typeface larger than
18 points - $15

If I wrote the sign - $45

If it's in a 144 point font and taped to the side of the monitor facing the
door - $75

Reporting slow connection by passenger pigeon packets to MPEG archive in
Outer Slobavia as a Mosaic/Netscape/Gopher/FTP client problem - $25.00

Reporting it more than once - $50.00

Reporting it more than once and implying slothfulness on tech support's
inability to solve problem - $200.00

Beeper Prices:

Beeping me when I'm out with the significant other - $50

Beeping me when I'm out of town and I took pains to insure that help files
were left all over and that diagnostics had been run on all machines before
I left - $100

Beeping me more than once to tell me that the printer's offline and the fix
is to press the On Line button - $200

Beeping me more than once while I'm asleep - $50 per beep

Beeping me and not identifying yourself within the first 5 seconds - $25

Beeping me and then changing your story / denying you placed the call /
hoped I would forget who caused the problem - $500

Special Rates:

Dealing with user body odour - $75.00/hour

Dealing with user not familiar with the primary language spoken at site -
$50.00/hour

Dealing with user who is (self-proclaimed) smarter than you are, but still
calls every other day for help - $100.00/hour

Dealing with computer hobbyists - $125.00/hour

Questioning the other prices -- $50
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Captain Ron knows all about the above, which is why he left CSIRO:

                              OZWORDS COMPETITION

The following were results for an Ozwords competition where entrants were
asked to take an Australian word, alter it by only one letter, and supply
a new and witty definition.

Billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole.

Bludgie: a partner who doesn't work but is kept as a pet.

Dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact.

Fair drinkum: good quality Aussie wine.

Flatypus: a cat which has been run over by a vehicle.

Mateshit: all your flatmate's belongings lying strewn around the floor.

Shagman: an unemployed male roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual
activity.

Yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans.

Bushwanker: a pretentious drongo who reckons he's above average when it
comes to handling himself in the scrub.

Crackie daks: 'hipster' tracksuit pants.

Shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep.

Technicolour lawn: the front yard after a good rage.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


           And from our little swimming champ Tina, we received:
                           -------------------------

                                   CHILDREN

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah
the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built
the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the
altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of
water and pour it over the altar.  He had them do this four times.

"Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would
have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I
know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----


                                 LOT'S WIFE

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned
into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back
once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned
into a telephone pole!"

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----


                                GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan,
in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the
situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama.  Then,
she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded
and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----


                                DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of
fishing when he was on the Ark?"  "No," replied Johnny.  "How could he,
with just two worms."

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----


                                HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how
powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher
power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----


                              MOSES AND THE RED SEA

Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday
school.  "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy
lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got
to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people
walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They
sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?"  his mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never
believe it!"

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----


                             THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of
the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a
month to learn the verse.  Little Rick was excited about the task -- but,
he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely
get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the
congregation, Rickey was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to
the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all
I need to know."

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----


                                KIDS AND PRAYERS

                               UNANSWERED PRAYER?

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused
and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon. One day,
she asked him why.

"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his
messages,

"I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."

"How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----


                                BEING THANKFUL

A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your
prayers for you each night?  Very commendable.  What does she say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----


                                EXPRESS PRAYER

Our son had only heard his grandfather pray at Thanksgiving, Easter, and
other special occasions; when he, typically, said a long prayer over the food.

One night, after a fun camp-out and fishing trip, grandfather (to our son's
surprise) asked for a very brief blessing on the food. With a gleam in his
eye, our son grinned at his Grandfather and said,

"You don't pray so long when you're hungry, do you Grandpa?"

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----


                            UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER

During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one
of the back pews.

Gary's mother was horrified.  She pinched him into silence and, after church,
asked, "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?"

Gary answered, soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle ..  and He just
then did!"

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----


                                TIME TO PRAY

A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night..

"Yes sir," the boy replied.

"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?"  the pastor asked.

"No sir," the boy replied.  "I ain't scared in the daytime."

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----


                                THE BLESSING

My wife invited some people to dinner.  At the table, she turned to our
six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said.

Our daughter bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite
all these people to dinner?"

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----


                                BEWARE OF TRASH

One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our 'trash baskets'
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Okay, here's all the multimedia stuff you guys sent in during the
       past week or two.  Quite a variety (and take care - some of it's
       what some people might call X-rated, but I'll label those for you
       anyway).  In fact, this first one (from Kate) is bordering on it:

       "This is a rather ... odd video I was shown of a World of Warcraft
       player who likes his characters a little to much.  I have no idea if
       you will be able to show it!" (BTW, this link has changed twice since
       Kate sent it last week so the site seems to be rather unstable - it
       may not work for long):

   What a jerk! (X-rated) Click here
                           -------------------------

       From Sydney Bob, an apology site for:
The Danish Muhammed cartoons: Click here
And the home page: Click here
Guiness cock: Click here
                           -------------------------

       And from the Westerly list, a real periodic table: Click here
                           -------------------------

       This beautiful collection's from Maayan who's still back in Israel,
       but happily heading back to Obs in CT (South Africa) in a week now.
       First one's some more painted bodies - Maayan comments: "I find
       these much better than the ones you had on FH two weeks ago. Some of
       these girls have truly gorgeous bodies.  Guess who's my favorite one?
       The one with no body-paint at all!" (Okay, agreed, Maayan :-)

Mardi Gras (X-rated, M$ PPT): Click here

       and: "This is quite cool ... wonder if the sounds are genuine?"
Cool music (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here

Lots of beautiful pics (M$ PPT): Click here
Spectacular picture (M$ PPT): Click here

       and: "... the beauty in this world just doesn't end, and doesn't stop
       arriving at my mailbox, and of course I have to share it with you ..."
Canada's beauty (M$ PPT): Click here

Blooooood (M$ PPT): Click here
Worst nips (X-rated): Click here
Worst boobs (X-rated): Click here
Engrish: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Streetscapes and lampscapes - beautiful and moody (M$ PPT with music): Click here
Smart animals (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here
What a wonderful world (M$ PPT with music): Click here
                           -------------------------

        From Kevin 3ZI and Len:
Smoking break (MPEG movie clip): Click here
                           -------------------------

        Over to Canada now and this collection from Muse:

Glow in the dark condoms (MPEG movie clip): Click here
Motorola pagers (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here
Tatoo remover (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here
Ice scraping (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here
Chatting animals (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here
More funny cats (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here
George Bush Letterman (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here
German parkaid (leave your car with us): Click here Click here
The Knee-In package (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

        Whizzbang sent in a fair old collection too during the last week:

Well, we all do it: Click here Click here Click here Click here
Isn't she beautiful (M$ PPT slideshow): Click here
Gotta hurt! (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here
Scary women, these (M$ PPT slideshow): Click here
My new Mercury outboard motor (X-Rated, M$ PPT slideshow): Click here
Times where it's appropriate to say "Holy Shit": Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here
New bank logos: Click here Click here Click here Click here
Weird pics: Click here Click here Click here Click here
The new RAV 4 (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here
                           -------------------------

      And a few from Len too (howzit, Len!):

Noah: Click here
Man of the year!  Click here
Some things are hard to explain (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here
                           -------------------------

      Pooley passed this collection on for your amusement:

Subtitles - repeat, but a classic (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here
The crane (M$ PPT): Click here
Mona Lisa - now what does she really know? (Animated GIFs): Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
                           -------------------------

      Just about everyone passed this one on - it's from Whizzbang, Burnout,
      German George _and_ DEA111:

Latest Oz tourist commercial is finally revealed: Click here
                           -------------------------

      This great collection was passed on by Burnout

The Korean clock lady (MP3 audio): Click here
Nice: Click here
Pepsi - italian style (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here
Mercedes commercial (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here
Playing footsies (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here
The fly (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here
                           -------------------------

      And from Digi Maria - "These must be seen to be believed" ...

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
                           -------------------------

      Finally in the pics department, from Eric up in his tree in South
      Africa, this came rustling down through the leaves:

Adam at home: Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         Okay - for those of you who can read, it's back to the more subtle
         power of the written English language now, and this one from John
         over at the factory of froth and bubble:


                                  PISSED OFF

A C-130 was en route on a mission when an F-111 pilot flew up next to him. The
fighter pilot told the C-130 pilot, "watch this!" He went into a Barrel roll,
followed by a steep climb, then finished with dive and a sonic boom when he
reached the speed of sound.

The F-111 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought. The C-130 pilot
responded "that was impressive, but watch this." The C-130 droned along for
about 15 minutes, then the pilot came back on and said "What did you think
about that?"

The F-111 pilot said, "That wasn't very impressive, what did you do?"

The C-130 pilot responded "I went to the back and made some toast, brewed
up some coffee, drank it, and had a piss."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         And from Stonefish, this quickie:

                               AN INEBRIATED MAN

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some
time at the only woman seated at the bar, he walked over to her, placed his
hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my
wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed.

"That's funny," he muttered, "You even sound exactly like her."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      And this crash course in the South African lingo comes from Maayan -
      useful for any of you who are heading over that way just now ...
                           -------------------------


                A SHORT GLOSSARY TO THE SOUTH-AFRICAN LANGUAGE

> Is it? (with a question mark at the end):

An exclamation of surprise / acknowledgement of hearing the other person's
sentence.  Replaces - Really?; Are you serious? ; You don't say! ; Oh! etc.
Can also be used as a general response when you weren't really paying
attention to what the other person was saying (i.e. person A: "Yesterday
I ... blah blah blah..." person B: "Is it?")
[Note: "is it?" is used regardless of the grammatical correctness, i.e.:
"You have a very sexy voice"; "Is it?"]
(A person fluent in south-african can tell exactly which of the above is
the "is it?" meant to express, depending on tone of voice and intonation).
Example: "I really loved your email"
         "Is it?"

> Now-now:

An indication of a short period of time expected to pass until a certain
action will be carried out. Means soon, soonish, very soon, as soon as
can be expected.

A reply to the question "when" when you can't or don't feel like giving
an exact estimation. (Also see - just now).

Example: "I'll be there now-now"; " We're leaving now-now"; "when will it
         start?" "now-now"

> Just-now:

An indication of a short period of time expected to pass until a certain action
will be carried out, but a slightly longer period than in "now-now". Means
soon ; quite soon ; soonish ; reasonably soon ; not too long from now ;
when I feel like it.

A reply given to  the question "when" when you can't or don't feel like
giving an exact estimation, also when you're quite reluctant to do the
discussed deed. (Also see - now-now).

> Howzit?

Derived from "how is it?". A general and conclusive greeting.  Means how
are you? ; Hello ; Hi ; What's up? etc.  Could be used both as a question
and as an answer, with or without a question mark.
Example: person A: "Howzit?"
         person B: "Howzit".

> Azz well:

Same as "as well", but the 's' is pronounced as a strong 'z', and the emphasise
is on the "azz" instead of on the "well". Means the same as "as well" only used
more frequently than is needed or normal and pronounced in a SA-twisted manner.

[That's it for slang, but there are quite a few other terms which no one else
is familiar with, like Tekkies (trainers in british english or sneakers in
american english, sporty shoes); Braai (BBQ, barbie in Oz); and a few other
words which are just overly-used, like hectic, "we'll make a plan", etc.]

I probably left out a few, but that's okay for your first lesson ...
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        This politically incorrect piece as passed on by Burnout has been
        attributed to Dave Letterman:

                                 TOP 10 REASONS

David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:
(I bet his life will be miserable after the NAACP sees this!)

# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.

# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.

# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.

# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.

# 6 - They keep trying to car jack Dale JR.

# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.

# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.

# 3 - No Cadillac's approved for competition.

# 2 - Can't wear helmet sideways.

      AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR (drum roll) ...

# 1 - When they crash their cars, they bail out and run.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


                  And from ex-hollywood Len, we now learn ...

                        WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER INTERRUPT

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the play ground and go into the
woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate
Embrace."

Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he
runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly ... "MOMMYMOMMY,
IWASATTHEPLAYGROUNDANDDADDYAND ..."

Mommy tells him to slow down.  She wants to hear the story.  So Little
Johnny tells her.  "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into
the woods with Aunt Jane.  I went back to look and he was giving Aunt
Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane
helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat,
then Daddy ..."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.
I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story.  Johnny
starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing,
laying down on the seat, and "... then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same
thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."

Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        One more from CUB John on bottling line B-1 now, a quickie:
                           -------------------------

                        FARMER BOB AND THE CHAIN SAW

A farmer walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will
cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line
model. The farmer is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down one
tree and it took ALL DAY!

The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the
farmer says: "What's that noise?"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        The penultimate contribution for this week comes from Burnout and
        it's a repeat from 2002 or thereabouts, but it's such a classic that
        I think we could roll it in again as a "Best Of" contender.  Save
        this one away for the next time you need to complain to someone:
                           -------------------------

                      ACTUAL COMPLAINT LETTER RECEIVED AT NTL

   Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your
3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.  During this three
month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not
previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of
monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue
your professional prerogative and seek to rectify these difficulties - or,
more likely I suspect, so that you can have some entertaining reading material
as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on
the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting
in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive.

When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes on my mobile
phone listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying
Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....  err,
how exactly when my MODEM has been disconnected?  I alleviated the boredom
to some small degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an
activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the
technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit,
and his cerebrum.  Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived.
After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4
weeks) my modem arrived... a total of six weeks after I had requested it,
and begun to pay for it.

I estimate that the downtime of your Internet servers is roughly 35%...these
are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday,
and most of the useful periods over the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection.  I have made 9 telephone
calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully
transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also
highly skilled bollock jugglers.  I have been informed that a telephone line is
available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available
(and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who
knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone
line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me
that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the
irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those
crucially important testicle-moments to attend to.  Frankly I don't care, it's
far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to
shout them at your unending hold music.  Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought British Telecom were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot
of god-awful customer relations, that no- one, anywhere, ever, could be
more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service
to their customers.  That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there?  How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to
my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of
bastards you truly are.  You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum -
incompetents of the highest order.  BT - wankers though they are - shine
like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your
seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest
to receive any kind of service from you.  I suggest that you do likewise,
and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the
services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver -
any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief -
although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even
perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter
tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your
pointless company.  I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated
during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I
would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their
rich aroma and delicate texture.  Consider them the very embodiment of my
feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

  John
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      And finally for yet another week of nonsense, another "best of"
      repeat, this one from Digi Maria:
                           -------------------------


         A GREAT CHICKEN RECIPE - MAGGIE BEER WOULD BE IMPRESSED!

Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing -
imagine that!

When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me who just
are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out.

Give this a try:

Size 18. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup of uncooked popcorn
Salt & pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 220c.

Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper.
Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
Place in baking pan with the neck end towards the back of the oven.
Listen to the popping sounds.
When the chicken's arse blows the oven door open and the chicken
flies across the room, it is done.

And you thought I couldn't cook.
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Friday humour ]
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