Friday humour - March 17, 2006

     From Davo at bluehaze:


    G'day from the home of the 18th Commonwealth Games ... the land of the
    flying tram.

    Some say that I spend a little too much time knocking our Tory Party
    and should get stuck into Her Maj's Honourable Opposition.  I agree.
    It's about time somebody did.  Better than that ... here's an opinion
    piece by Kaz Cooke reprinted from The Age ... which in a humourous way
    just about says it all.

    Frankly I'd rather have an iceberg lettuce than either of our current
    leaders.

                        JULIA'S NOT GOT WHAT IT TAKES - BALLS!
                                 March 14, 2006

    JULIA Gillard, it's said, has four strikes against her as a possible
    leader of the ALP. Never mind that only three strikes will see you off
    the field in baseball, a strategic game made extra fun by sneaking to
    the next base, secret signals and, in my case, sleeping with the coach.
    But I digress.

    I don't know what the ALP brains trust, which by now must be four blokes
    and an urn, is thinking. Surely they can't have many members or much
    more than $2.50 left. And Kim Beazley has about as much chance of being
    elected prime minister as an iceberg lettuce.

    Last time I voted in a federal election, I was so thrilled there was
    an alternative candidate to the ALP and the Liberals in my electorate
    I tried to vote for her twice. Anything to avoid going for the mob who
    took away poor people's right to have decent teeth, or for the ones who
    let them get away with it.

    Telling the Labor Party faction-fanciers that Beazley can't win seems
    about as effective as a lecture on manners and common decency from Senator
    Bill Heffernan.  Under Beazley, the ALP is like an elderly labrador.
    While the Government is taking away so many workers' rights it makes you
    wonder when oxygen will be listed as a perk, the labrador opens one eye
    and farts like a sigh, its paws twitching in dreamlike reverie.

    Sorry, where was I? Four strikes against Julia Gillard. She's a Victorian,
    she's from the left of the party, she's a woman, and she doesn't have
    a husband and kids.

    Imagine if she did have a husband and kids - they'd be hounded by the
    media while she was accused of neglecting her family to do her job. Not
    like all those absent fathers in Parliament who couldn't tell you their
    kids' favourite colours, the drama teacher's name or what their offspring
    had for tea last night.

    While being a man in Parliament is apparently a get-out-of-town free
    card for buggering off and poncing about sounding important while their
    wives get on with the sticky and exhausting end of bringing up children,
    apparently it's somehow compulsory for women in Parliament to have kids.

    I don't know whether Miss Gillard knows one end of a bub from the other,
    and I don't care, although I bet she's quite experienced with tantrums.
    I like her joke that she can't remember what colour her real hair is
    because she's been dyeing it so long. Lots of women will relate to that.

    Brace yourself for the thinly veiled accusations that Gillard is frigid,
    or slutty, or bats for the other team. It's got to be one of the three,
    doesn't it? Or, phwoarr, all of em!

    Kim Beazley won't admit he's a dirigible that's snapped its moorings,
    full of warm air, pootling across the sky in increasingly elliptical
    parabolas of pointlessness. And if the ALP seriously can't consider a
    new leader because he's not from Sydney and he believes in slightly more
    social justice than Donald Trump and he's a she, then they may as well tie
    themselves in a hessian sack and throw themselves in the Yarra right now.

    I don't know much about Kevin Rudd, but he seems rather across the AWB
    business, and, frankly, somebody's got to be. He's keeping his head down
    and travels with his own testicles, so there's much more chance of him
    suddenly strolling into the lead position, like that gold medal-winning
    Olympic skater did when everyone else in the race fell over.

    Please, Australian Labor Party, the country is begging you. Get a new
    leader. Choose Rudd or Gillard, or a compromise - Molly Meldrum's a bloke
    with a girly name. Let the new leader pick their own team regardless of
    which stupid faction they belong to, then make like a rottweiler and go
    after that smirkfest they call the Liberal Party.

    For God's sake, Tony Abbott's in charge of women's health. Somebody, do
    something.

                (Kaz Cooke is a Melbourne writer and cartoonist.)


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First up from Burnout

                                  UGLY COW

An "ugly" woman walks into a shop with her two kids.

The shopkeeper asks, "Are they twins"?

The woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look
alike?"

"No", he replies, "I just can't believe you got laid twice"!



                               THE LARK PROGRAM

A Lady Liberal Democrat wrote a lot of letters to the White House
complaining about the treatment of a captive insurgent (terrorist) being
held in Guantanamo Bay. She received the following reply:

The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D. C. 20016

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter, in which you roundly criticized our
treatment of the Taliban and Al Quaida detainees currently being held at
Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.  Our administration takes these matters very
seriously and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington.
Consequently, you'll be pleased to learn that thanks to the concerns of
citizens like yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist
Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for
Killers" program, or LARK for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided
to place a terrorist under your personal care. Your detainee has been
selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard
to your residence next Monday.  Ali Mohammed Ahmed bini Mahmud (you can
just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you
personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be
necessary for you to hire several assistant caregivers.

We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care
for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in
your letter.  Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we
hope your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem"
will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in
describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand
that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling.

You may need to know that your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient
in hand to hand combat and can extinguish human life with simple items
as pencils and nail clippers. We advise that you not ask him to
demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at
making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household
products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your
opinion), this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except
sexually), since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This
is
a particularly sensitive subject for him, and he has been known to show
violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress
code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you
will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka - as time goes by.

Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his
religious beliefs" - wasn't that how you put it?

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you
take the time to keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You
take good care of Ahmed - and remember . we'll be watching.

Meanwhile, Good Luck!

Cordially,
Donald Rumsfeld
United States Secretary of Defence


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   This weeks pics are from Eric in South Africa, Muse from Canada,
   Whizzbang, Jakub B, Allnutts, Nottingham Smithie, Croydon Caz, Broadband
   Mel, Digi Maria, Swinburne Sue, the Castle Hill Bookends, Cartographer
   Chris, Stevo, Shane, the Monk, and you know who you are ...


>From Digi Maria:
Good fun.  I got 1 wrong!! But I am still classed as an Aussie ... fair dinkum
How Aussie are ya? To find out - Click here

A bit of effort logging from Deano, who writes "Gidday Davo and Tony,
Have a look at this site.  Very nice :-) Deano" Click here


>From Eric in South Africa: "Hiya, Did you know Chuck Norris was in our
 National Squad?  Yeah!!" Click here

and

This will blow you "older" guys away! Click here

>From Stevo:
Getting older has its drawbacks...  But I guess there aren't too many good
alternatives to getting older.  Whenever you see a gathering of seniors, it
is an even bet they are talking about everything that is wrong with them.
You know, the usual, memory loss, urinary problems, knees, eyesight, etc,
etc.  Well, I am a senior and I absolutely refuse to discuss these issues
with everyone else.  If I have a problem, I find a solution.  It is not
always the solution that I like, but I handle it, the best way I know and
I don't discuss it with every person I see on the street that is past 62.
No sir....With this in mind, I bought myself a new scooter.  I wanted
something that was easy on gas and could zip me to the store and about town.
This seems to meet my EVERY need.  I love it!  Click here

>From new contributor Mel from the UK: "A small donation for Friday - Never
underestimate the power of a woman!" Click here

>From the Monk as passed on by Tony: "Puzzle answer for this link - Click here
Because she smells just like a NEW UTE!"

Shane in the UK sent in this serious countribution: "Thought this complimented
last weeks editorial ** Turkish toil brings new form of faith ** Why a new
wave of entrepreneurialism in Turkey's Anatolia province is being called
Islamic Calvinism." Click here

Digi Maria sent this in:

                          ABOUT DRINKING WATER
The following will probably amaze and startle you...
One glass of water shuts down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the
dieters studied in a University study.

Lack of water is the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.

Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could
significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.

A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble
with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen

Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by
45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50%
less likely to develop bladder cancer.

Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day?

Of course, too much water may have side effects: Click here

Bumper stickers Click here

Muse's Beer pics: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Offensive Click here

Detention report Click here

Top pics of 2005 Click here

Head job: Click here

Oops I've crapped my pants: Click here

Weddings Click here

Marine commandos: Click here

Lion Warning: Click here

Belt safety Click here

Burnout's comic assortment: Click here Click here Click here Click here

Race game Click here

Bouncing Dog Click here

Bingles Click here

Nice pose Click here

Don't put it in Click here

Do not disturb Click here

Theo (with apologies) Click here

Hungry kitty Click here

Redneck women Click here

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    This came from Moonboot

                                WOMENS HUMOUR

My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the
other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood
it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on
his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you
happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted
it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest
woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you."

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour.

He said - 'Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you
really badly.' She said - 'Well, you've succeeded.'

He said 'Shall we try swapping positions tonight?'. She said 'That's a good
idea ... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart'.

He said 'What have you been doing with all the grocery money that I gave
you?' She said 'Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard'.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
   good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q: What makes men chase women if they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
   driving.

Q: What do you do if you see a man running around with half a head?
A: Reload and try again!

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Another from Sister Carol

                               THE DEAD RABBIT

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the
middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately
the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and
gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.  Much to his dismay, the
rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on
the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks
the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and
killed it!"

The blonde says, "Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the
limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down
the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops
down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he
hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is
in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says...

"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

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More from Burnout

                              LOVE AND MARRIAGE

Love When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

Love When intercourse is called making love.
Lust When intercourse in called screwing...
Marriage When intercourse is a little town in Pennsylvania .

Love When you argue over how many kids to have
Lust When you argue over who gets the wet spot
Marriage When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids

Love When you share everything you own.
Lust When you steal everything they own.
Marriage When the bank owns everything.

Love When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
Lust When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
Marriage When.... uh.... what's a climax.

Love When your heart flutters every time you see them.
Lust When your groin twitches every time you see them.
Marriage When your wallet empties every time you see them.

Love When you're only interested in doing things with your partner
Lust When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner
Marriage When you're only interested in your golf score.

Love You only leave the house for coffee and doughnuts
Lust You only leave the house for condoms and Vaseline
Marriage You only leave the house when you're allowed

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These from John, Brett, and Gil over at the Carlton Breweries B1
bottling line

                              REVENGE ON A TELEMARKETER

The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal, and as I
answered, I was greeted with "Is this Karl Brummer." Not sounding
anything like my name, I asked who is calling.

The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer
Company or something like that. Then I asked him if he knew Karl
personally and why was he calling this number? I then said off to the
side, "Get some pictures of the body at various angles and the blood
smears". I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he
had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had
already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to testify
in this murder case. I questioned the caller at great length as to his
name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he
knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour
before he made this call.

The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given
in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position and the
police were entering the building to take him into custody, at that
point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away. My
wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down
my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.
My meal was cold, but it was the best meal in a long, long time.

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               SPARKY, ROYALTY OF ALL TRADES, HEAVENLY WELCOME

A Sparky ('Electrician' Royalty of all Trades) dies in a car accident on
his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is
playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd
cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake
his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter
himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the
Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've
been waiting a long time for you.

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the Sparky ('Electrician'
Royalty of all Trades) sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint
Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to
obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't
remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because
I'm a Sparky the Royalty of all Trades"

"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the
man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160
years old! God himself wants to see you!"

The Sparky ('Electrician' Royalty of all Trades) is awestruck and can
only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his
power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I
lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by
God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."

"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your
time sheets."


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This came from Cartographer Chris

                          WHAT MARRIAGE IS ALL ABOUT

The old man ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries, and one
drink.

The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.
He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out
the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one
pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a
sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them
kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking,
"That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of
them." As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table.
He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man
said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything. The
surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She
sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping
the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy
another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we
are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin,
the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat
a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered

... "THE TEETH."


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A little test from upstairs Bob


                                 ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST

Count every "F" in the following text:


FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...


(SEE BELOW)

HOW MANY ?

3?

WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke. READ IT AGAIN !

Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.

The reasoning behind is further down.

The brain cannot process "OF".

Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!


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Finally from Allnutts

                               ARE YOU A COWBOY?

An old cowboy sat down at the Star bucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As
he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working
cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay,
doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors,
and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As
soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I
think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think
about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of
women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy
and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a
lesbian."


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Quote of the Week:

  "Never believe anything in politics until it has been officially
denied."
         Otto Von Bismark


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[ End Fri humour ]


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