Friday humour - March 10, 2006

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

           And gidday again from Oz,
     Talking of Oz, a contributor recently asked if the FH editors actually
     live in Oz (the one that Dorothy visited in the MGM film).  The answer
     is no - we just say Oz as an abbreviation for Australia, whereas the
     real Oz is a different place in another dimension - see the maps at
     Wikipedia - Click here if you're planning to visit.


     Terrorists are never far from anyone's mind at the moment, and Maayan
     just posted over this link with the comment:  "This was aired on Al
     Jazeera a few days ago.  The first thing I was thinking while watching
     this was:   Wow! Some things can still restore my faith in humankind,
     yet at the same time I feel such disgust and hopelessness regarding
     its state ... why can't everyone think like this brilliant woman,
     the world would be such a better place" ...  Click here or if that

     fails - Click here and it's #1050.


     Okay, first up in the humour/philosophy/etc department this week is a
     reprint of one we originally ran back in June 2005 as just posted by
     Bob up in Sydney.  Just like those "water" articles, I found this one
     quite intriguing ...
                           --------------------------

                                     BANANAS

After reading this, you may never look at a banana in the same way again.
Bananas containing three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose
combined with fibre.  A banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial
boost of energy.

Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a
strenuous 90-minute workout.  No wonder the banana is the number one fruit
with the world's leading athletes.

But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also
help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions,
making it "a must" to add to our daily diet.

Depression:

According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from
depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because
bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into
serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make
you feel happier.

PMS:
Forget the pills - eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood
glucose levels, which can affect your mood.

Amenia:
High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of haemoglobin in the
blood and so helps in cases of amenia.  Blood Pressure: This unique tropical
fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it the perfect
to beat blood pressure. So much so that the US Food and Drug Administration
has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit's
ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke

Brain Power:
200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school were helped through their
exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to
boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit
can assist learning by making pupils more alert.

Constipation:
Being high in fibre, including bananas in your diet can help restore normal
bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.

Hangovers:
One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake
sweetened with honey. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the
honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and
re-hydrates your system.

Heartburn:
Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from
heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.

Morning Sickness:
Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and
avoid morning sickness.

Mosquito bites:
Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area
with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful
at reducing swelling and irritation.

Nerves:
Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.  Overweight
and stressed at work?  Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria
found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and
crisps.  Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese
were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to
avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels
by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady

Ulcers:
The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of
its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten
without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity
and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.

Temperature control:
Many other cultures see bananas as a "cooling" fruit that can lower both the
physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand, for
example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool
temperature.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD):
Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer
tryptophan.

Smoking:
Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they
contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body
recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.

Stress:
Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends
oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water balance. When we are
stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels.
These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack.

Strokes:
According to research in "The New England Journal of Medicine, "eating
bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as
much as 40%"

Warts:
Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a wart,
take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow side
out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape.

So a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills.  When you compare it
to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrate, three
times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other
vitamins and minerals.  It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best
value foods around. So maybe its time to change that well-known phrase so
that we say, "A banana a day keeps the doctor away?"

Bananas must be the reason monkeys are so happy all the time!

NOTE:    Correctly applied, Bananas provide excellent therapy to the Sexually
frustrated, and Political Dissidents. They should be inserted, Skin off, into
the appropriate orifice and moved in and out with the desired frequency.
Political Disidents should leave the Banana in there until their awareness of
reality improves.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     This next one from Maayan (still back home in Israel) is a repeat as well,
     _*but*_ even if you saw it the first time, I'll bet you still can't get
     all the answers correctly:
                           --------------------------


                               TEST FOR DEMENTIA

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them
instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.  Okay?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....

Ready?

Q1: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What
position are you in?
















A1: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If
you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.  Now answer the second question, but don't
take as much time as you took for the first question, okay?

Q2: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?



















A2: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell
me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

You're not very good at this, are you?

Q3: Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30.  Add another
1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10. What is the total?



















A3: Did you get 5000?  The correct answer is actually 4100.  If you don't
believe it, check it with a calculator!  Today is definitely not your day,
is it?  Maybe you'll get the last question right ...

Maybe ...

Q4: Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What
is the name of the fifth daughter?


























A4: Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

Okay, now the bonus round:

Q: A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating
the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the
shopkeeper and! the purchase is done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses;
how does HE indicate what he wants?

























A: He just has to open his mouth and ask.  It's very simple (like you!)

  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Okay, lots of great pics again this week and first up, from Matt at
      Lucas Heights (NSW, Oz), it's ...

Secret flying car spotted in in WA: Click here
although Click here
                           --------------------------

      Back over to Israel and Maayan again now for this nice collection:

Nice tour (unfortunately, they forgot about Australia, Israel and South Africa!)
 Click here
More cute puppy dog pics: Click here Click here Click here Click here
Some nice pics of Norway: (M$ Powerpoint) Click here
From Maayan's bio-psychology text book: Click here
Fallen art - weird (M$ AVI video clip): Click here
Sliding on the ice ... (M$ WMV video clip) Click here

                           --------------------------

      My namesake John posted this - "This dude is a house inspector, he
      has a gallery of some of the dodgier places he's inspected.  There are
      several screens of them... they get progressively crazier ..."
  Dodgy renovations: Click here
                           --------------------------

      And from Bob in Sydney, a suggestion that you listen to this on headphones
      (or not while you're at work, at least) - gets funnier and funnier ...
A treatise on the F word (MP3 audio file): Click here
A man's life: Click here
                           --------------------------

      From James:
Your time to shine (M$ WMV video clip): Click here
                           --------------------------

      And these from our BHP correspondent:
Bin what?  Click here - or Click here for the real commercial!

Why? Click here
                           --------------------------

      Then there was this massive collection from Burnout:

Bad crash: (M$ WMV video clip) Click here
Fun in the tunnel: (M$ WMV video clip) Click here
Latest terror threat: Click here
Find the dot: (M$ Powerpoint) Click here
Re-touch jobs (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
More bingles ... (M$ Powerpoint) Click here
Let's have lunch at Beavers! (M$ WMV video clip) Click here
Good old days!  Click here
Practical joke (M$ WMV video clip): Click here
Poker in the rear: Click here
The Sydney harbour bridge fireworks (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
More rednecks (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
Deerhunter (now the _whole_ clip): (M$ WMV video clip) Click here
                           --------------------------

      JP posted this over - Osram (M$ Powerpoint) Click here
                           --------------------------

      Len and Caz both found this and sent it over:

Mum's night out: Click here
                           --------------------------

      This collection come courtesy of Croydon Caz:

Size is everything: Click here
Dodgy sign department: Click here
Electronics kit: Click here
McDoners: Click here
Virety bucket: Click here
More sign sabotage: Click here
Boob bar: Click here
Now owns sushi: Click here
Middle East hackers (M$ WMV video clip): Click here
More cute animal pics (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

       Moonboot's back, and he passed these on:

Windows error: Click here
How many times can we say the F word? (M$ WMV video clip) Click here
The divorce song (M$ WMV video clip): Click here
Candid camera - framed (M$ WMV video clip): Click here
                           --------------------------

       Nestor came across this one (may have been on before, but amazing):
Coolest dog ever (M$ WMV video clip) Click here
                           --------------------------

       And this collection's from none other than Whizzbang:

What NOT to do when the lift has a security camera: Click here
Clinton portrait: Click here
Some cute misc pics: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
More Chopper, this time on the games (M$ WMV video clip): Click here
                           --------------------------


        Mike H and Burnout both sent parts of this in (with some overlap),
        so I've combined them into one slideshow.  Not sure if one would call
        this X-rated or not (are boobs and genitals okay after they've been
        spray-painted?)  Very sensual stuff though ...
Only in France (semi-X-rated, M$ Powerpoint): Click here
                           --------------------------

        Plus a couple from that man of leisure, Captain Ron.  This first one
        is one we had a few weeks ago, except our earlier version had no
        captions:

Now with captions (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
Try and catch the fly for him (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
                           --------------------------

        And this quickie from John Stevens ...
Would you use this?  Click here
                           --------------------------

        My boy Andy was showing me a few of these a couple of weeks ago (these
        have become a bit of a cult thing in some circles, he tells me):

Berry roof tile fixing (Shockwave): Click here
        And this one tickled his fancy for audio ...
The ultimate car sub-woofer: Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         Okay, back to the sweet and evocative power of the written word now,
         and first up, this one from Len ...
                           --------------------------


                                REASONS TO SMILE

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own
pants.

Marriage changes passion.  Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail, but a true friend will be
sitting next to you saying "Wow ... that was fun!"

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up.

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the
difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press
'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can
in prison?

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments
cannot be displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher.  And since
it's in English, thank a soldier"

And remember: Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to
the end, the faster it goes.

                       -----=====# -  # -  # -  #=====-----


                              THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT

Oh God ... Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      This next one from Burnout has been featured before but in a slightly
      different form ...


              HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES (LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN)

The kids filed back into class Monday morning.  They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive
salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said
proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit
and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I
explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of
cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the  teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough
toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip &
Chip stand.  I gave everybody who walked by a sample.  They all said the
same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!" Then I would say, "It is shit.
Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


                Back to Len now for this one ...
                           --------------------------


                             WORLD'S THINNEST BOOKS


FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac

HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda

HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE
by John Denver

MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS
by Dan Marino

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman

MY WILD YEARS
by Al Gore

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

DETROIT : a Travel Guide

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
By Ellen de Generes

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson

SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by the EPA

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O.J. Simpson

BRIDGE TRAVEL
by Ted Kennedy

And the world's Number One Thinnest Book:

MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton - with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Maayan really liked this one - "This is just _so_ true" ...
                           --------------------------

                            WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH

1. We have absolutely no idea where our purse is

2. We believe that dancing with our arms overhead and wiggling our butt
   while yelling "woo-hoo!" is truly the sexiest dance move around

3. We've suddenly decided that we want to kick someone's ass and honestly
   believe we could do it too

4. In our last trip to pee, we realize that we now look more like a homeless
   h00oker than the goddess we were just four hours ago

5. We drop our 3:00 a.m. burger on the floor (which we're eating even though
   we are not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it

6. We start crying and telling everyone we see that we love them sooooo much

7. We get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song plays
   because "oh my god! i love this song!"

8. We've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to us

9. The man we're flirting with used to be our 5th grade teacher

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or
    dance becomes strangely overwhelming to us

11. Our eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so we keep
    them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy

12. We've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it

13. We yell at the bartender, who we believe cheated us by giving us just
    coke, but that's just because we can no longer taste the vodka

14. We think we are in bed, but our pillow feels strangely like the kitchen
    floor

15. We start every conversation with a booming, "don't take this the wrong
    way but..."

16. We fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when we sit on it

17. Our hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves

18. We are tired so we just sit on the floor (wherever we happen to be
    standing) and take a quick nap

19. We begin leaving the buttons open on our button fly pants to cut down
    on the time we're in the bathroom away from our drink

20. We take our shoes off because we believe it's their fault that we're
    having problems walking straight
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Finally for another busy week, one more (well, two in fact)
        from Mr Burnout:
                           --------------------------

                                 PET CENTIPEDE

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So, he went to the pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy an
unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a Little
white box to use as a house.  He took the box back home, found a good location
for it then decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to
have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with
me and have a beer?"  But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,
"How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to
ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's
house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place
and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time - I'm putting
my fu**ing shoes on!"
                       -----=====# -  # -  # -  #=====-----


                                N E W S F L A S H

The Australian Hotels Organisation announce that the popular drink previously
known as the 'C*cksucking Cowboy' will now be known as the 'Heath Ledger'.
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[ End friday humour ]
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