Friday humour - March 03, 2006

     From Davo at bluehaze:

   G'day

Yesterday the mean and tricky Lying Rodent who is King George's Man of Steel
celebrated 10 years as PM of Oz - not to mention Deputy Sheriff of The Pacific.

And what have we got to show for it?  A decent economy and low interest rates.

But in almost all other respects we have gone backwards and parliament will
probably never be the same again.

In his first 12 months Howard did sack Ministers for lies and transgressions.
One started to wonder if there'd be any left.  So he dropped any principles
that he ever might have had and has backed every dodgy Minister ever since.

With so many disasters no heads have ever rolled.  We have a pile of Ministers
that know nothing, and don't seem to care that they don't know.

Unfortunately the next PM may well do the same thing and the Westminster
conventions of parliament will just be a shining memory from a better past.

Howard has stayed in power using lies and the politics of fear.  Fear of
terrorist attacks, fear of asylum seekers in wonky boats, fear of Muslims,
fear of gays (getting married), fear of organised labour (at a time of
record profits), fear of Uni students forming political associations, fear
of fear itself.

By introducing the GST we have a government literally rolling in money while
pensioners and the lower paid suffer.  He stores our money to be handed out
as lump sum bribes during election campaigns.

He's determined to smash Medicare - even though he portrays himself as its
best friend.  He makes the poor pay for 30% of the wealthier people's private
health insurance as he's determined to see the private funds flourish.

He wastes heaps of our money in political advertising, treats asylum seekers
worse than animals, vilifies anyone he doesn't like, and has no apologies
for anything.

But worse ... he's taken Australia to war.  He was advised that this would
increase our risk of being a terrorist target but this suits his agenda.
War should be a last resort.  But it's not in Howard's case.  The majority of
Aussies were against it right from the start - and he wouldn't even debate
it in parliament.  The tragedy is that his war based on lies has resulted
in over 100,000 deaths of innocent Iraqis - to say nothing of those maimed.
But we're not supposed to think about that.  Just as we're not supposed to
worry about human rights at a time of such fear - fear that he inflames at
every turn.

Hey - but there's plenty of people doing quite nicely at the mo.  "I'm alright
Jack" - bugger everyone else seems to be the flavour of the day.

Isn't that right Bob?

This is Howard's Australia.

  ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___


First this week from Jacub who write's "Sent to me by a Finish expat in
Australia"

Q: How many Finns does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five.  One to hold the bulb and four to drink vodka till the room starts
spinning


Two Finns sit silently drinking. Two hours pass and one of them says:
"Cheers." The other one replies: "Did we come here to drink or talk?"


                                FINLAND

+15 'C / 59 'F This is as warm as it gets in Finland, so we'll start
+here. People in Spain wear winter-coats and gloves. The Finns are out +in
the sun, getting a tan.

+10 'C / 50 'F The French are trying in vain to start their central
+heating. The Finns plant flowers in their gardens.

+5 'C / 41 'F Italian cars won't start, The Finns are cruising in +cabriolets.

0 'C / 32 'F Distilled water freezes. The water in Vantaa river (in Finland)
gets a little thicker.

-5 'C / 23 'F People in California almost freeze to death. The Finns have
their final barbecue before winter.

-10 'C / 14 'F The Brits start the heat in their houses. The Finns start
using long sleeves.

-20 'C / -4 'F The Aussies flee from Mallorca. The Finns end their Midsummer
celebrations. Autumn is here.

-30 'C / -22 'F People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the
face of the earth. The Finns start drying their laundry indoors.

-40 'C / -40 'F Paris starts cracking in the cold. The Finns stand in line
at the hotdog stands.

-50 'C / -58 'F Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole. The Finnish
army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter weather.

-60 'C / -76 'F Korvatunturi (the home for Santa Claus) freezes. The Finns
rent a movie and stay indoors.

-70 'C / -94 'F The false Santa moves south. The Finns get frustrated since
they can't store their Kossu (Koskenkorva vodka) outdoors. The Finnish army
goes out on winter survival training.

-183 'C / -297.4 'F Microbes in food don't survive. The Finnish cows complain
that the farmers' hands are cold.

-273 'C / -459.4 'F ALL atom-based movement halts. The Finns start saying
"Perkele, it's cold outside today."

-300 'C / -508 'F Hell freezes over, Finland wins the Eurovision Song Contest


  ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___


And from Fosters John

                                  DOWN THE TOILET

A HAPPILY married man heard his wife screaming for help from their
newly-decorated en-suite bathroom. He rushed to her aid, and found her
completely naked and firmly stuck to the freshly-lacquered toilet seat.

"I'm stuck, I'm stuck. I can't get off," she sobbed. The bloke was furious.

"I told you to use the other bathroom!" he stormed. But no matter how much
he tugged and pulled, he couldn't free his wife. So he left her there and
went and rang the ambulance and the fire brigade.

As the sound of the sirens came wailing down the street he went back into
the en-suite to comfort his wife. "They'll soon be here, love," he reasured
her. "They'll soon have you free."

"Oh, my goodness!" the wife exclaimed as the front doorbell rang. "Quick go
and get me something to cover myself up with!"

The husband rushed out into the bedroom and grabbed the first thing that came
to hand - a battered old Akubra. He gave it to his wife, and she held it on her
lap to give herself at least a modicum of modesty. Then the husband ran down
and opened the front door and ushered two ambulance men and three firemen
into the bedroom, where they studied the unusual scene with experienced,
professional eyes. And then, leaving the en-suite, they all adjourned to
the bedroom for a quick technical conference.

"Can you get her off okay?" the anxious husband asked.

"Well," said one of the firemen, "we've got good news and we've got bad news."

"What's the good news?" asked the husband. "

The good news is, we can save your wife."

"And the bad news?"

"I'm afraid the stockman's a goner."

  ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___


This arrived from Croydon Caz

                           IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY
TERM                                       DEFINITION

Artery ................................... The study of paintings
Bacteria ..................................Back door to cafeteria
Barium ................................... What doctors do when patients
die
Benign ....................................What you be after you be
eight
Caesarean Section .........................A neighbourhood in Rome
Catscan ...................................Searching for Kitty
Cauterize .................................Made eye contact with her
Colic .................................... A sheep dog
Coma ......................................A punctuationmark
Dilate ................................... To live long
Enema .....................................Not a friend
Fester ................................... Quicker than someone else
Fibula ................................... A small lie
Impotent ..................................Distinguished, well-known
Labour Pain ...............................Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff .............................A Doctor's cane
Morbid ....................................A higher offer
Nitrates ................................. Cheaper than day rates
Node ..................................... I knew it
Outpatient ................................A person who has fainted
Pelvis ................................... Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative ............................Post Office worker
Recovery Room .............................Place to do upholstery
Rectum ....................................Nearly killed him
Secretion ................................ Hiding something
Seizure .................................. Roman emperor
Tablet ................................... A small table
Terminal Illness ..........................Airport sickness
Tumour ....................................One plus one more
Urine .................................... Opposite of you're out
2 x Condoms ...............................To be sure, to be sure!

  ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___


This came in from Biggus

                                         AMAZING

My wife left me. I don't understand. After our last child was born she told
me we had to cut back on expenses, so I had to give up drinking beer. I
wasn't a big drinker, maybe a 6 pack or two on weekends, but I gave it up.

The other day she came home from grocery shopping and I noticed a receipt
for $45 in makeup. I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't
given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Well hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back.

  ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___


Here's a first short contribution from Mel of Bristol, UK who said:

"Hi, a small contribution, my first attempt, but far from my first read,
I love your pages and I await Friday mornings, once the kids are safe at
school for a coffee and my Friday Humour, dont ever go away."

                                 NEW FROM IKEA

What with the recent changes with the gay marriage laws in the UK, IKEA
have found a gap in the market.

LESBIAN BEDS ... no screwing involved, just tongue in groove! ...

  ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___


This came from Vinae of Oregon

                                 POLICE HUMOUR

The following top 15 police comments were taken off of actual police car
videos around the country:

#15: "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
out after you wear them awhile."

#14: "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a
worthless document."

#13: "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12: "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know,
that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11: "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can
write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10: "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it
will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9: "Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again
or I'll give you another ticket."

#8: "The answer to this last question will determine whet! her you are drunk
or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7: "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to
ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey doo."

#6: "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5: "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4: "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3: "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now
we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#2: "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of
yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

#1: "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we
don't. Sign here."

  ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___


   A couple from Davee at Ayrshire, Sunny Ecosse

                                     MATHS

Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about the
average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician
claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that
it was surprisingly high.

"I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math
question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do." He
then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called the
waitress over.

"When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question,
and I want you to respond `one third x cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it
for you." She agreed.

The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. "The
food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician started.  "Incidentally,
do you know what the integral of x squared is?"

The waitress looked pensive; almost pained. She looked around the room,
at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?"

So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few
paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath,
"... plus a constant."

  ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___


  To the pics now ... and they're from Allnutts, UK Smithie, Whizzbang,
  Burnout, Rowan Davo, Muse, Mad Bob from Sydney, Mad Mick from Marwick,
  Wellington Ben, Donato del G, Croydon Caz, Sister Carol, Cartographer
  Chris, Stevo, Petty and Tanberg from The Age, and a sort of naughty one
  from Ty (guess which???).

 From Burnout:
One for Davo & conversely for Mad Bob Click here

In the news Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Thoughtfull discussion: Click here

True scum: Click here

Why exercise frightens me: Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

All aboard for Penrith: Click here

Car choir Click here

Men's slot machine (Lots of boobs - Shockwave) Click here

Fall for a Budlight (M$ WMV movie clip) Click here

The Monster Hash (MP3 audio clip) Click here

Bad idea (M$ WMV movie clip) Click here

The Budweiser Wave (M$ WMV movie clip) Click here

High ride (M$ WMV movie clip) Click here

New fashion statements (M$ Word file) Click here

Chopper's Driving School (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here

Loos of the World (M$ Powerpoint) Click here

History of Budlight (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here

Not good (M$ Powerpoint) Click here

Chopper's Bingo (MPEG4 movie clip) Click here

Blue planet (M$ Powerpoint) Click here

Gym style (M$ WMV movie clip) Click here

Infinito (rerun, but fun - M$ Powerpoint) Click here

The new sprint (M$ WMV movie clip) Click here

Titties and beer (M$ WMV movie clip) Click here

Crazy white supremacist (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here

The Battle of New Orleans (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here

Life moments (M$ Powerpoint) Click here

Negotiating - Chinese style (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here

Alternate Commonwealth Games (M$ Powerpoint): Click here

Kids messages to God Click here

         ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___


More from Castle Hill Books

                              FROM THE GRAVE

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later,
the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise
coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.  Terrified, the drunk ran
and got the priest to come and listen to it.  The priest bent close to the
grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a
moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played
backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and
it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening,
"There's the Seventh... The Sixth... The Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.
He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery,
"My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about.

It's just Beethoven decomposing."

  ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___


   This from Justice Jesse

                                          Assicons

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons,"
where:  :)  means a smile and  :(  is a frown.

Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

  ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___


Quote of the Week:

  "Yet, with voters, the Howard Teflon remains unscratched. Are we,
   as a society becoming amoral, willing to overlook transgressions
   that do not affect us directly as long as interest rates remain low
   and we can pay off our credit cards?

         "Celebrating a comfortable decade for some" -
             Editorial
             The Age - 2 March 2006

  ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_end-_.___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___


[ End Fri humour ]
 Previous (February 24, 2006)  Index Next (March 10, 2006)