Friday humour - February 24, 2006

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

            G'day,
      I think our contributors may have broken a record this week with all
      their multimedia contributions (obviously Davo's requests have borne
      fruit), so a big thanks to all of you.

      And another achievement this week - I hear from a British Telecom reader
      that we're now blacklisted by that organisation.  When they click on
      anything from Friday Humour, they just get a message to the effect that
      "Nudity Offends"!  I believe BT workers are considering going out on
      strike over it (wouldn't that make an hilarious headline in The Times?)
      Mind you, I gather that there are several thousand other sites banned by
      BT as well (for whatever reason), so it sounds like the thought police
      are very busy in the UK these days.  (I do hear China's worse, though.)

      To the humour then, and first up - this quickie from Stonefish:
                            --------------------------


                                  CIRCUMCISED

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming
around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.  She went back to
find out what was going on.  He was quite embarrassed and whispered that
he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone
his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned
to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to
investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging
out. "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.

"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon,
she'd come and pick me up from school."
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        Now for one from our Israeli correspondent, Maayan (except she really
        lives in Capetown these days - she's just back home for a holiday ...
        but "Israeli correspondent" sounds so international, huh? :-)
                            --------------------------

                                	    QUOTES

"If it wasn't for pick-pocketing and searches at the airport, I wouldn't
have a sex life at all" (Rodney Dangerfield)

"Sex is one of the most beautiful and amazing experiences money could buy"
(Steve Martin)

"My girlfriend told me last night in bed: 'you're a pervert'. I told her:
'That's a very big word for a 15 year old girl'." (Emo Philips)

"There are a few mechanical instruments that enhance sexual arousal,
especially for women. The main one is the topless Mercedes Benz L380"

"You don't appreciate a lot of things that happen to you at school until
you're older. Small things like getting spanked on your bum every day by a
middle-aged woman, things you pay good money for later on." (Emo Philips)

"If life was fair, Elvis would live and all the copycats would die"
(Johnny Carson)

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography" (Paul Rodriguez)

"Bigamy is when you have one husband/wife too many. Monogamy is the same
thing." (Oscar Wilde)

"A daily advice: if you are stressed and suffering from headaches, do what the
aspirin bottle says: 'take two aspirins' and 'keep away from children'". (A
mother)

General Schwartskopf, when recently asked in an interview whether there's
place for forgiveness for those who planned and initiated the September 11th
terrorist attack, said: "I believe that forgiving them is God's duty. Our
duty is only to make sure that meeting happens"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        And from good old Moonboot and his beautiful girl in the UK (but
        she'll kill him if she sees this):
                            --------------------------

                        QUICKIES FOR TONIGHT AT THE PUB

When God created woman, He crossed a dung beetle with a cow and got this
cute little thing with tits that runs around looking for shit all day.

A recent survey asked 100 sexually active men what they most enjoyed about
a blow job.  99.9% of them said, "the 10 minutes of silence"!

Advantages of having an affair with a married woman?  They give like hell. They
do not yell. They do not tell. They do not swell and there is no wedding bell.

The factory where women are made has been found: It's called "Fatties and
Moanies".

Women have to be more beautiful than smart, 'cos men see better than they
think.

Q: What's the definition of a gynaecologist?
A: He is the only fool on earth who looks for problems in a place where
most other people find pleasure.

Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
A: Dating children!

Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning and become tasteless and shapeless later.

Q: What is the strongest muscle?
A: The tongue. It can raise a woman's hip with just one lick.

Q: Why is the 69 position like driving in rush hour?
A: The arsehole is always in front of you.

Q: What is the difference between a panty & a stage curtain?
A: When you pull down the stage curtain, the show is over ... but when you
pull down the panties, it's SHOWTIME!

A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party.  Later, after
knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and asks him:
"So ... how do you like using second hand stuff?"
The new husband replied: "It isn't that bad. Past the first three inches,
it's all brand new."

A lady bought her ex a present for his birthday.  He opened it and said,
"What the hell do I want with a rocket?"  She said, "You wanted space... now
fuck off!"

Relationships are sometimes difficult to handle.  It's like a full time job,
and we should treat it as one: if your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave
you, he/she should give you two weeks notice and, they should organize you
a temp.
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        Next, over to CUB (with profits still rising ... from beer, would
        you believe, not wine), and this contribution from JK ...
                            --------------------------


There is a family of 3 prostitut_s a grandmother, mother and daughter.
The daughter gets home in the morning looking drawn.  Her mother asks "How
did you go?"

"Pretty bad. I only got 10 quid for a blow job", replies the daughter.

"You should count yourself lucky", says the mother. "In my day we only got
10 shillings for a blow job"

The grandmother says "In my day, we were just glad to have something warm
in our stomachs."

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----

An English Professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is a savage"
on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is a savage."

The women wrote:"Woman: Without her, man is a savage."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Now it's back to the UK and yet another collection from Mr Moonboot ...
                            --------------------------

                             WHERE WOULD YOU BE IF

You have all the money your heart desires
You have no worries ...
You come home and the finest meal is awaiting you...
Your bathwater has been run...
You have the perfect kids...
Your partner is awaiting you with open arms and
kisses...

So where would you be ... ?









In the wrong fucking house......

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----


                             VOCABULARY ASSIGNMENT

Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader ghetto boy.  This is Leroy's vocabulary
homework assignment. He must use each word in a sentence.

1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.

2. Dictate - My girlfriend say my dictate good.

3. Catacomb - I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody
   get that catacomb.

4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.

5. Rectum - I had two Cadillacs, but my bitch rectum both.

6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they
   gonna send me back to the joint.

8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He say,
   "Bullshit, that watch israel."

9. Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.

10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me
    to the poolhall.

11. Iraq - When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle iraq, you break.

12. Stain - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on
    stain for dinner?"

13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "how much?"  she say "fortify."

14. Income - I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----


                                 ARE YOU SHY?

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist
about Tequila (c).

Tequila (c) is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about
yourself and your actions.  Tequila (c) can help ease you out of your shyness
and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about
anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila (c) almost immediately,
and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that
prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many
talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila (c).

Tequila (c) may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing
should not use Tequila (c). However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or
becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness,
nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control,
loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur,
table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke
and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Tequila (c). Leave Shyness Behind.

(It's also available over the counter for an extra fee)

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----


                       SOME MORE "BOOM BOOM" PUB JOKES

Q. What's the difference between a pay cheque and your dick?
A. You don't have to beg a woman to blow your cheque.

Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A. It's Braille for "suck here".

Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
A. Lipstick.

Q. Why do women have tits?
A. So men will talk to them.

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
A. You come in one and go in the other.

Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

Q. What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
A. Money.

Q. Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?
A. They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After 5 years your job will still suck.

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----

                         THE DIFFERENT TYPES OF MEN

Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg,
Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay
home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover,
Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the butt

Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams

The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. Don't know how, but--"
Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed
weasels in my new yacht, okay?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         And just before the pics and flicks, this one from Mr Burnout:
                            --------------------------

                               THIS PASTOR HAS GUTS

Thought you might enjoy this interesting prayer given in Kansas at the
opening session of their Senate.

It seems prayer still upsets some people.  When Minister Joe Wright was
asked to open the new session of the Kansas Senate, everyone was expecting
the usual generalities, but this is what they heard:

"Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask your forgiveness and to
seek your direction and guidance. We know Your Word says, 'Woe to those who
call evil good,' but that is exactly what we have done. We have lost our
spiritual equilibrium and reversed our values.

We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery.
We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare.
We have killed our unborn and called it choice.
We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable.
We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self esteem.
We have abused power and called it politics.
We have coveted our neighbour’s possessions and called it ambition.
We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it
freedom of expression
We have ridiculed the time-honoured values of our forefathers and called it
enlightenment.
Search us, Oh, God, and know our hearts today; cleanse us from every sin
and set us free. Amen!"

The response was immediate. A number of legislators walked out during the
prayer in protest.  In 6 short weeks, Central Christian Church, where Rev.
Wright is pastor, logged more than 5,000 phone calls with only 47 of those
calls responding negatively.  The church is now receiving international
requests for copies of this prayer from  India, Africa and Korea.

Commentator Paul Harvey aired this prayer on his radio program , "The Rest
of the Story," and received a larger response to this program than any other
he has ever aired.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Okay - to the pics and movie clips and PPT files now, and first up, it's
    over to Israel and this one from Maayan, who says "Hey, I've been looking
    at some real-estates in case we feel like dropping everything and running
    away from the world - here are some I like ;-)" ...

My fort (M$ PPT): Click here

    - and some more dumb signs Maayan found.  If you have M$ Powerpoint, just
    hit the first link:

Dumb signs (M$ PPT): Click here

Otherwise, here are the pics by themselves:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

     Similarly, for Life of a Redneck, if you have M$ Powerpoint, just hit
     the first link here:

Life of a redneck (M$ PPT): Click here

Or if not, here are all the pics by themselves:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

    and these ...

I'm so tired (M$ PTT) Click here
World Trade Center disaster - more pics (M$ PPT - and big): Click here
How to control that damn child (M$ WMV clip): Click here
Some great pics (M$ PPT): Click here
Some more great pics (M$ PPT): Click here
                            --------------------------

    And from Moonboot, who's discovered in the song Jingle Bells ...
A hidden message: Click here
Man's holiday: Click here
                            --------------------------

    Jesse over at the Justice Department passed this on, with the comment:
    "Your subscribers may find this discovery from the the BBC program "Click"
     too addictive ..."

Mind Games Click here
                            --------------------------

    And daughter Rosie found these amazing clips (it may need you to download
    the player first):

For the love of beer: Click here
Stolen glass unit: Click here
                            --------------------------

    And good old muse (Canada) writes "This is pretty amazing, the thought
    that went into creating this short video" ...

Water: Click here
                            --------------------------

    This next one's from our BHP correspondent:

Pinot what? Click here
                            --------------------------

    And from Eric in his peculiar little tree in South Africa, we received
    this amazing little animated GIF file ...

Life cycle: Click here

    and Eric's mates ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

    plus the wheel of life ... Click here

    and an Eric cartoon collection:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here
                            --------------------------

    From Biggus, we have this puzzlement ... Click here
                            --------------------------

    And from the sorely missed Captain Ron, here's your latest ...

Tax form: Click here

    plus the ultimate collection of Dicks Of The World ...
Caution - all are quite risque (seriously): Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

    and
The ultimate ortho bed for men :-) Click here
                            --------------------------

    Hollywood Len passed this on:
Sacremoto - X-Rated (or sensual, anyway) M$ WMV clip: Click here
                            --------------------------

    And from Andrew, our latest CSIRO PC whizz, we have the latest innovation
    from the devils own company, Micro$oft:
Go well, my son ... Click here
                            --------------------------

    Whizzbang thought you might enjoy this one:
The bear and the rabbit: Click here
                            --------------------------

    Croydon Caz sent these ...

Ice fishing (an open standards MPEG clip): Click here
Man's favourite tool (M$ WMV clip): Click here

    ... and some more "Ads we should have" ...

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
                            --------------------------

    And from a certain Govt department in Sydney, John posted this one ...
Tshirt hell (M$ PPT): Click here
                            --------------------------

       Muse thought you might possibly enjoy these ...

The ketchup effect (M$ WMV clip)  Click here
Bad flight (M$ WMV clip): Click here
Handyman (M$ WMV clip): Click here
Problem solving system (M$ PPT): Click here
Some amazing London sculptures (M$ PPT): Click here
                            --------------------------

     And from TBFXRD (Nikki - the bitch from XRD), here's a really sweet
     baby movie:
Okay, laugh ... now (M$ WMV clip): Click here

     Stonefish sent over these baby pics:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

     And he sent these curiousities as well ...

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
                            --------------------------

        Mad Bob came across this hilarious Rowan Atkinson clip ...
Roll call (M$ WMV clip): Click here
                            --------------------------

        And quite a collection from Burnout ...
The German coastguard (MPG movie clip): Click here
The disco motorbike man (M$ WMV clip): Click here
What miners do in their spare time (M$ WMV clip) ... Click here
Time to rodeo (M$ WMV clip): Click here
World soccer championship 2006 Germany - the girls (M$ PPT): Click here
Perception test (somewhat risque!) M$ PPT: Click here
More funny pics (M$ PPT): Click here
This guy is in trouble! Click here
The mother-in-law's test (repeat - M$ PPT version): Click here
One wild tattoo: Click here
                            --------------------------

       James just came back from a holiday in NZ and he was sampling some of
       their brewery beers.  Here are a cupla pics, Nestor!

Cupla NZ brewery pics: Click here Click here
                            --------------------------


      Someone sent this but I've lost your name, so apologies ... from anon:
Congress hearing: Click here
                            --------------------------

       Finally, from Anne P and company, these floated in ... Anne reckoned
       you could do with this every Monday morning ...

Your Monday morning pick-me-up (wonder if BT have banned this): Click here

       ... and these too ...

Rapist escapes in the victim's vehicle: Click here
Job offer: Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Phew - enough pics and things for one week, don't you reckon?  Okay,
      back to the sensual beauty of the written English word now - and first
      up, it's back to the UK and this contribution from Croydon Caz:
                            --------------------------


                                  FIELD TRIP

Little Johnny's mum asked little Johnny if he had enjoyed the field trip.
"Yes it was great - we saw sheep, horses, goats and fuckers."

Mum: "Er, fine, fine. I know what the sheep and the rest are, but what is
a fucker?"

Johnny: "Oh, they're the animals that give us milk and steaks"

Mum: "But who said they were called, er, fuckers?"

Johnny: "That was our teacher.  Well, actually, she called them "effers,"
but we all knew what she meant!"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      This next one's not so much humour as an historical snippet from the
      British RN (the Royal Navy for any plebs out there).  Has lots of
      interesting stats on a great battleship from Burnout - an enthusiast:
                            --------------------------

                                   HMS WARSPITE

One of a class (Queen Elizabeth Class) of fast battleships that were the first
to mount fifteen guns, HMS Warspite was one of Britain's most decorated ships
in the twentieth century. Her first action was as part of the Grand Fleet's
Fifth Battle Squadron at Jutland on May 31, 1916.  Damaged by thirteen heavy
shell hits, she was on the verge of annihilation when her jammed steering
gear reengaged; possibly thanks to another hit. After the war, "Warspite"
served with the Atlantic Fleet from 1919 to 1924. Following the Washington
Naval Treaty prohibiting construction of new capital ships, she was the first
of her class to be modernized. She next served in the Mediterranean (1926-30),
Atlantic (1930-32), and Home Fleet (1932-34). She emerged from a second refit
(1934-37) with a single funnel, remodelled tower, and two observation planes;
her torpedo tubes were also removed.

The outbreak of World War II found "Warspite" at Alexandria, Egypt. After
escorting a Canadian troop convoy across the Atlantic, she flew Vice
Admiral Jock Whitworth's flag at the battles for Narvik, on April 10-13,
1940. Redeployed to the Mediterranean, she flew the flag of Admiral Andrew
Browne Cunningham, revered as the Royal Navy's most aggressive admiral and
known affectionately as "ABC." At the Battle of Cape Matapan, on March 28,
1941, "Warspite" helped sink the Italian cruiser "Fiume". During this action
"Warspite" is credited with achieving the longest range gunnery hit from
a moving ship to a moving target in history. This was a hit on the "Giulio
Cesare" at a range of approximately 26,000 yards [21 Kilometres].

"Warspite" was herself damaged by German fighter-bombers during the evacuation
of Crete on May 22. Under her own power she sailed via Singapore and Pearl
Harbour to Bremerton, Washington, for repairs. By September 1943 she was
back in the Mediterranean in support of the Allied landings at Salerno,
Italy. There, radio-controlled bombs blew out her bottom. Again the aptly
named "Warspite" made it home for repairs. Reassigned to the Home Fleet in
1944, she was mined just after the Normandy invasion in June, but returned to
the coast of France by August. With fourteen battle honours to her credit,
HMS Warspite was sold out of the Royal Navy in 1946; but on April 23, 1947,
she defiantly went aground in Mounts Bay, Cornwall, while en route to the
breakers, over the next few years she was broken up in situ.

Cupla pics ...  Click here Click here

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----

And some more info on another vessel, the Matapan: Click here Click here

  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         Now to Mad Bob from Sydney (mad as in annoyed - "loves the jokes but
         can't stand our political comments" :-) for this one ...
                            --------------------------

                               THE WAILING WALL

An American journalist in Jerusalem heard about an old Jewish man who'd been
going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for 60 years.

She thought this would make a nice feelgood news item, so she went to the
Wailing wall to find the man.

After a short while, he arrived. She watched him pray for about 45 minutes,
and when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from Fox News, Sir.  How long have you been coming to
 the Wailing Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years," he replied slowly.

"That's amazing! What do you pray for?" she asks.

"I pray for peace between Christians, Jews & Muslims ma'am. I pray for
all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in peace
and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" she enquires,

"Like I'm talking to a f.....ing brick wall!
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


   Back over to the frothy laneways of CUB now and this quickie from John:
                            --------------------------

                                CHILDHOOD DISCOVERY

A little boy and a little girl were standing naked in the bath, facing each
other and having a wash.

The little girl pointed at the boy's pen_s and asked, "What's that?"

"I don't know," the little boy replied.

"What does it do?" the little girl wanted to know.

"I don't know," the little boy shrugged.

"Can I touch it?" the little girl asked.

"No way!" the little boy screamed, "You've already broken yours off!"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      We don't get many from Biggus, but those we get are good (wake up, Lee
      over at Melbourne Uni).  This time, it's ...
                            --------------------------

                   FATAL THINGS TO SAY TO YOUR PREGNANT WIFE

"Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."

"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Anderson had a baby!"

"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"

"You are about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard
Simmons fella."

"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

"I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

"Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

"Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

"Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

"Sure you'll get your figure back -- we'll just search 1985 where you left it."

"Sure, the doctor said you're eating for two -- but he didn't mean two orcas."

"Honey - Come show the guys your Brando impression!"

"Roseanne, what have you done with my wife?!"

"How come you're so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?"

"That's not a bun in the oven -- it's the whole friggin' bakery!"

"You know, now that you mention it, you *are* getting fat and unattractive."

"Oh, this is just great! Now, on top of everything else, child support."

"Yo, Fatty! You're blocking the TV!"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


            This one just swam in under the door from Stonefish ...
                            --------------------------

                               LAWYER QUICKIES

>From the television show "Frasier," a dialogue between Frasier and Niles,
brothers and fellow psychiatrists: Frasier: I hate lawyers. Niles: I do too,
but they make wonderful patients. They have excellent health insurance and
they never get better.

."My daddy is a movie actor, and sometimes he plays the good guy, and
sometimes he plays the lawyer." - Malcolm Ford, to his preschool classmates
on what his father, actor Harrison Ford, does for a living.

I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck,
but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

A redundancy in wording: Criminal Lawyers

If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator,
it would be a good idea to just leave them there.

The Lawyer's Motto: "Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies
are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so
stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise
the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures." In Other Words:
"If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once
and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you
think you're going to find a lawyer?"

."You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of
your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't
under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that
they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?  So they gave him
an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

Q: What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
A: He gets taller.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        And to round out this weeks collection, let's go back to Israel and
        Maayan with this lot ...
                            --------------------------

                       DECIPHERING MEN'S SPEECH PATTERNS

1. "I can't find it"
MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.

2. "That's women's work"
MEANS: It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.

3. "Will you marry me?"
MEANS: Both of my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and
there's no peanut butter left.

4. "It's a guy thing."
MEANS: There's no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have
no chance at all of making it logical.

5. "Can I help with dinner?"
MEANS: Why isn't it already on the table?

6. "It would take too long to explain"
MEANS: I have no idea how it works.

7. "I'm getting more exercise lately"
MEANS: The batteries in the remote are dead.

8. "We're going to be late."
MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.

9. "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
MEANS: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

10. "That's interesting dear."
MEANS: Are you still talking?

11. "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again.

12. "You expect too much from me."
MEANS: You expect me to stay awake?

13. "It's really a good movie."
MEANS: It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women.

14. "You know how bad my memory is."
MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of F-Troop, the address of the
first girl I kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car I've
ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

15. "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
MEANS: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, and was wearing
a thong bikini.

16. "Oh, don't fuss, I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
MEANS: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I
admit I'm hurt.

17. "Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing."
MEANS: What did you catch me at?

18. "She's one of those rabid feminists."
MEANS: She refused to make my coffee.

19. "I heard you."
MEANS: I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and hope I can fake
it well enough, so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me.

20. "You know I could never love anyone else."
MEANS: I am used to the way YOU yell at me, and realize it could be worse.

21. "You really look terrific in that outfit."
MEANS: Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.

22. "I brought you a present."
MEANS: It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game.

23. "I missed you."
MEANS: I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and we're out of
toilet paper.

24. "I'm not lost, I know exactly where we are."
MEANS: No one will ever see us alive again.

25. "This relationship is getting too serious."
MEANS: I like you almost as much as I like my truck.

26. "I don't need to read the instructions."
MEANS: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----

      Maayan's next contribution had the comment: "Hi again, I quite liked
      the '10 top reasons for being...' that was in FH a couple of weeks ago,
      so I composed my own South African one..."
      (NB: Maayan's real home is Capetown now - she loves it there)
                            --------------------------

                     10 TOP REASONS FOR BEING SOUTH-AFRICAN

1. You get to eat red meat 7 times a day (some of which are animals which
   are endangered in the rest of the world).

2. A beer costs less than a soft drink does in most countries.

3. Weed is cheaper than cigarettes.

4. You think you're a first world country despite the millions of people
   living in tin shacks with no water or electricity (and you can easily spend
   their yearly income in one weekend).

5. You are more likely to own a cell phone than a shower.

6. Sea food can be cheaper than vegetables.

7. You always feel smart cause you know more about any official's job than
   he/she does.

8. You have 11 official languages but can barely speak a second one properly.

9. Your national parks are bigger than some small countries.

10. You live in a country that has " miraculously moved from barbarism to
    degeneracy without the usual interval of civilzation".

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----

       And finally for this week (still with Maayan) - "Hey, I'm feeling
       quite creative and patriotic today (patriotic towards South Africa,
       not Israel, of course), so here's the second originally composed bit
       for the day - again inspired by a piece in FH" ...
                            --------------------------

               AUSTRALIA VS SOUTH-AFRICA (with Maayan annotations)

1) Only in Australia can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

And only in SA can a drug dealer get to your house faster than a pizza
(seriously). (And definitely faster than the time it'll take you to spell
your address to the ambulance people) (based on personal experience).

2) Only in Australia... is "you awake?" the standard concept of foreplay.

And only in SA is the normal age for having children under 18.

3) Only in Australia do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way
   to the back of the store to get their Panadol's etc while healthy people
   can buy cigarettes at the front.

And only in SA do you get a blank look from the supermarket workers when you
ask for whole wheat bread, but get served within seconds when you mumble
"Benson & Hedges ultimately light menthol in the soft pack"

4) Only in Australia do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries ...
   and a Diet Coke.

And only in SA is a "health breakfast" bacon, sausage and hamburger, and a
lady's steak is 500gr.

5) Only in Australia do banks leave both doors open, have no armed guards
   and chain the pens to the counter.

And only in SA are there car security guards outside the supermarket, yet
you can walk into a court with a Swiss knife (my friend did!)

6) Only in Australia do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
   driveway, and store our junk in the garage.

Only in SA, even if you have an electric fence, is the wire likely to
get stolen.

7) Only in Australia do we use answering machines to screen calls and then
   have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to
   talk to in the first place.

Only in SA is the phone company so bad that you're better off using a tin
tied to a string.

 8) Only in Australia do we use the word "politics" to describe the process
    of Government. "Poli" (poly) in Latin meaning "many" and, "tics" meaning
    blood sucking creatures".

Only in SA ... need I say more?

9) Only in Australia do we live by the saying "you're never too pissed if
   you can still find the floor".

Only in Swaziland (a small independent kingdom inside South Africa) is the
legal limit so high that most people can't find their car.
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[ End Friday humour ]
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