Friday humour - February 17, 2006

     From Davo at bluehaze:

     G'day
In the interest of balancing the ledger a little, here's a different spin
on things from Mad Bob of Sydney (frankly, I think it's a load of crap):

                                     LUCKY DAY

I was having lunch on Australia Day with the family and a few Brothers,
and we were laughing about the Radio and a couple of Professors who reckoned
that it should have been called Invasion Day.

We all reckoned it should be called Lucky Day because that was the day our
luck changed. If it hadn't have been for those Pommy Sailors we would still be
eating singed possum, Goanna, or snake if we were lucky enough to find some,
and we would be bare-footed and sleeping under the stars, and probably cold
and wet.

Sure, the early days were a bit tough. We speared a few of them, and they
shot a few of us, but over time our ancestors could see that these blokes
could teach us a thing or two. Instead of wandering around until the tucker
ran out, we settled down and found out that Beef and Lamb was better than
Bandicoot, and a lot easier to find.

There was no sense in spearing Cattle, and the trouble that caused bought
the Missions down on us. It took us a hundred years to find out what the
White man knows about them buggers, but some of them meant well. At least
they gave us trousers, and put the women in shirts.

We had a lot to learn, and the more time we spent with the Invaders the
better it got. Yeah, we were dead lucky. They could have been French, or
Dutch or German. Maybe even Japs, but we got Poms and Irish and Scots with
a few Welsh thrown in and they took this place by the scruff of the neck
and started to develop it.

We got Towns, and roads and horses and carts. We got houses and Schools and
Hospitals and we didn't have to do a bloody thing. As a bit of this rubbed
off on us we could see that the more you did, the more you got. It was a lot
better than the old life. I suppose this is what they call progress. OK,
sometimes the road is rocky, but what are these idiots trying to tell
us? Things were better 200 years ago? Bullshit.

Lunch was the same as every Australia Day. Corn Beef and Cabbage, Carrots,
Spuds and Damper with Cockies Joy. We had Jelly and Icecream, with the
whole lot washed down with Fosters, and a cold bottle of Chardonay for Mum
and Grandpa. We watched Australia win the Cricket on the colour Television
while the kids watched something else in another room. Cricket doesn't seem
to interest Uni students like it used to...

So you see, we are bloody glad that things have changed for all of us over
200 years. Apart from jobs, we have Aussie Rules, Rugby League, and Rugby
Union. We have Tennis and Cricket and Athletics. Our Brothers feature big
in all the sports. Just think of Cathy and Yvonne, the Ella Brothers, Lionel
Rose, Dave Sands, Adam Goode, Michael O'Loughlan and Polly Farmer. How about
Arthur Beetson for starters.

No gain without pain mate, but we are in Business and Professions, have food
on the table, and money in the Bank. If we don't have that, then we aren't
trying too hard, so think again when people say Invasion Day. To the fair
dinkum Murrys and Koori's it was certainly a Lucky Day

   Cheers Brother,

       Charlie Possum

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   First up this week, let's have one from Biggus:

              HOWARD DIDN'T KNOW (WITH APOLOGIES TO BANJO PATERSON)

I had written him a letter
which I had, for want of better
knowledge, sent to where I met him at the wheat board, years ago

He was chairman when I knew him,
so I sent the letter to him
Just on spec, to make the point, that "Howard doesn't want to know".

And an email came directed,
not entirely unexpected
(And I think the same was written in some Middle Eastern bar)

'Twas his CEO who wrote it,
and verbatim I will quote it,
"Trevor Flugge's gone to Baghdad and we don't know where he are.

But when he left Australia,
he was going to meet with Alia,
A trucking mob in Jordan, who were keen to grease the wheels

For 10 per cent commission,
they could swing Saddam's permission
To get our wheat accepted: it's the mother of all deals.

But I guarantee, Prime Minister,
that there's nothing at all sinister:
The chaps at DFAT told us that the sums looked quite okay.

When you're selling wheat in billions,
what's a quick 300 million?
If it keeps the Nationals happy it's a tiny price to pay."

Sitting here at Kirribilli,
I've been thinking, willy nilly
That it's somehow reminiscent of the children overboard:

But I can handle Rudd and Beazley
as I always do, quite easily,
By endlessly protesting that there's nothing untoward.

I'll tell Bush next time I meet him
at The White House, when I greet him,
That I'm sure he'll understand about the wheat board's quid pro quo:

He'll forgive this minor error
in the global war on terror
When I look him in the eye and tell him Howard didn't know.

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  And from Sister Carol (has a cupla repeats but what the heck):

                              SIGNS WITH STYLE

In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

On another Septic Tank Truck: "We're #1 in the #2 business."

At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in."

On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."

On a Church's Billboard: "7 days without God makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and
take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push.

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car
payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your
payment. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and
get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station, "Thank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town
to take a leak"

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  Here's some from Fosters John and the B1 bottling line - a variation on
  an oldie ...

                                  THE PIANO PLAYER

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town! "Where's the god dam,
mother fucking manager you cock sucking arse wipe" he politely inquires to
one of the waiters.

The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies "Excuse me sir but could
you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the
manager as soon as I can".

The manager comes over and the bloke asks "Are you the chicken fucking,
manager of this bastard joint?".

"Yes sir, I am" replies the manager, "but I would prefer it if you could
refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant".

"fuck off" replies the bloke "and where's the fucking piano?"

"Pardon says the manager".

"Fucking deaf as well are we you little piece of snivelling shit, show us
your pissing piano"

"Ahhhh replies the manager you've come about the pianist job" and shows the
bloke to the piano.  Can you play any blues?".

"Of course I can" and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and
beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.

"That's superb, what's it called"

"I want to fuck your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting me knob"
replies the bloke.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke
proceeds in playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

"Magnificent" cries the manager "what's it called?"

"I wanted a wank over the washin' machine but me balls got caught in the
soap drawer".

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads,
the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody.

"And what's this called" asks the manager.

"As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy
ring-piece" replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the blokes language but offers him the job
on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of
the customers. This arrangement works well for a couple of months until
one night sitting opposite him is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid
his eyes on, she's wearing an almost see through dress, her tits are almost
falling out the top and the skimpy little `G' string she's wearing is riding
up the crack of her arre. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open
sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down
her chin! (get the picture?).

Any way its too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to `wrestle
with his bald headed champ'. His pulling away furiously when he hears the
managers voice "where's that bloody pianist".

He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the
piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts
playing some more tunes.

The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in
his ear. "Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers
and dripping jissum on your shoes?".

The bloke replies "Know it, I fukking wrote it"

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                  THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness...

Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!

Wait a minute--if that's his spleen, then what's this?

Hand me that... uh... that, um.... thingie

Has anyone seen my Rolex?

Uh-oh! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?

There go the lights again...

Ya know, there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.

Everybody--stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.

What's this doing here?

I hate it when they're missing stuff.

Cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

Sterile, schmeril. The floor's clean, right?

What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?

Okay, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature!

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                                 AIDING THE PONTIFF

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope
was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've
always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in
person." Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to
him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.

Shortly after takeoff, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic,"
thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope
gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance." Almost immediately, the Pope turned
to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word
referring to a woman that ends in 'u-n-t'?"

Only one word leapt to mind... "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I
can't tell the Pope that. There must be another." The gentleman thought for
quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said,
"I think you're looking for the word 'Aunt'."

"Ah, of course," said the Pope.  "Do you have an eraser?"

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This came from the Duke of Barsinov (via Mad Mick of Marwick)

                                     In the can

An 80-year old woman was arrested for shoplifting.

When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband
spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge asked, "What is it?"

The husband replied, "Your honour, she also stole a can of peas."

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A quickie from Burnout

                                      HOW CUM?

Once upon a time in China, lived two Chinamen. One named I Cum, and one
named No Cum. No Cum marry pretty Chinese girl named No Cum Tu.  For velly
oblious reason No Cum and No Cum Tu not have any childlen.

One day, No Cum went out of town on business and I Cum came over and spent
the night with No Cum Tu. That night I Cum came and No Cum Tu came, too. This
make both velly happy.

However, about 7 or 8 months later, No Cum see he about to become father
but he not know how come, so when baby come he named it How Cum U Cum.

Of course, I Cum and No Cum Tu know How Cum U Cum came, but to this day Cum
not know how How Cum U Cum came!

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This from Smithie of Nottingham

                                    CONTRARY MARY

A middle school science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human
body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not
be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents,
and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!" She then
sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy,
is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part
that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy."

Then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three
things to say": "First, you have a dirty mind."

"Second, you didn't read your homework."

"And third, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed."

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Another from Fosters John

                               SHE WAS SO BLONDE ...

She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said
"concentrate"

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK"

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it

She tried to drown a fish

She thought a quarterback was a refund

If you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back

She tripped over a cordless phone

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept

At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put
"Sagittarius"

If she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless

She studied for a blood test and failed

She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center

She sold the car for gas money

When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left", she
turned around and went home.

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   This came from John at the U NSW (another variation on ...)

                                     TAVEN TALES

A couple are having dinner at a restaurant and the husband leans over and
asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over
fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against
the back fence and I made love to you.

"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do
it for old time's sake.

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!"

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this,
and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two
old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so
there's no trouble." So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking
sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the
fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As
she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has
ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally, they both collapse,
panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that
he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,
the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The
Policeman, still watching thinks, "This was truly amazing. I've got to ask
them what their secret is".

As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something
else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of
secret to this?

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!"

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   This weeks pics are from Muse, Westerly Rudolf, Croydon Caz, Burnout,
   Allnutts, Wellington Ben, Mad Mick, Nottingham Smithie, Margot, Ex-Hollywood
   Len, Cartographer Chris, Mad Bob, Ursula, Spooner from The Age, and Leahy
   from the Courier Mail.

 From Lars: "Not sure if you've seen this one before. Spot the differences in
a Google Image search using the single word 'Tiananmen' ..."
Western Google: Click here and Google in China: Click here

 From IsK: "Umm ... WTF?" Click here

Happy snap Click here

Mad Mick's Maze Game Click here

Youtube Click here

Teflon man Click here

Ready to launch Click here

For the office Click here

Self seduction Click here

Awesome haircut Click here

Easily fixed Click here

Early gay sign Click here

Calvin Click here

Performance review Click here

Organisational chart Click here

Planning Click here

Waiting for bonus Click here

Cabin service Click here

Secret fridge Click here

The benefits of sex Click here

Lace Bowl Click here

King George - What the ... Click here

Funny bits Click here

Headless Click here

Dream job Click here

Pumped Click here

Winning the jackpot Click here

Big jugs Click here

Bushy look Click here

More big jugs Click here

Granny's revenge Click here

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      More ASCII now from Burnout ...

                                        BRICKS

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open
window. Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door. Leave
them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyse the situation.

If they are counting the bricks. Put them in the accounts department.

If they are recounting them. Put them in auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks.  Put them in
engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order. Put them in planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other. Put them in operations.

If they are sleeping. Put them in security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces. Put them in information technology.

If they are sitting idle. Put them in human resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been
moved. Put them in sales.

If they have already left for the day. Put them in marketing.

If they are staring out of the window. Put them on strategic planning.

And then last but not least.

If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved,
congratulate them and put them in Executive Management.

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More stuff from Allnutts

                                 ADA AND ALF

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through
she leans over and says, " I just did a silent fart, what do you think I
should do?"

He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

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    And more from Burnout - "I forwarded last week's MORE GOOD PHRASES FOR
    GIRL'S TEE-SHIRTS" to a friend, and he commented ..."

BUT what have women and dog shit got in common?

The older they get, the easier they are to pick up ...

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                                  FOUND AT LAST

A very large, old building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for
a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be
imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton
in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should
call the police.

When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them
the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said "this could be
Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more,
they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said "we
are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know
if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."

The police said its not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."

"Well, who was it?"

"The 1956 Polish National Hide-and-Seek Champion!"

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   Finally, from Malisja

                                    SAFEWAY STORY

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the shopping centre and rolled down
the car windows to make sure my labrador retriever pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon
her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing
my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear
me?" "Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde lady gave me a strange
look and said;

"Why don't you just put it in "Park" ??

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Quote of the week:


  "If there is nothing to hide, why then give the appearance of wanting to
   hide something? It smacks of a government wanting to corral the flow
   of information. It also gives rise to criticism which the Opposition
   voiced this week of a government using its control of the upper house
   to shut down questioning of a matter that has been at the centre of the
   nation's attention for weeks."

        The Age
           "Prime Minister, this gag is no joke" editorial 15/2/2006

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[ End Fri humour ]
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