Friday humour - February 10, 2006

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

           Gidday,
     Lotsa great pics and movie clips again from you guys this week.  And a
     big vote of appreciation to Davo for keeping this thing running for 5
     weeks straight while I've been away on hols.  As usual, he amused himself
     no end by including "editorials" that dared to criticise the status-quo,
     incurring the wrath of at least Mad Bob of Sydney (one determined Liberal
     voter) more or less continuously for the entire period.  Bob's in his 70s
     now and his health is letting him down, so much so that he ended up
     in hospital a couple of months ago.  I'm sure that what really pulled
     him through was the thought of being able to engage in further email
     battles with Davo.

     I already mentioned the perils of not doing backups back on Dec 16 last,
     and the necessity of dividing up your hard-drive into 2 sections so
     you get a drive C and a drive D (called partitioning).  With Win XP,
     you can do that as you install Windows - on a typical 80Gb hard drive,
     just tell it to allocate 20Gb for Windows and the rest can then become
     drive D.  Then save all your precious data on drive D.  That way, when
     Windoze blows up and you have to re-install it, all your data's safe -
     at least until the hard-drive itself blows up.

     For complete protection, of course, you should really copy your important
     "data" directories onto a CD or DVD-R every few months.  You can either
     (a) copy them "as is", or (b) use Windoze Backup and burn the resulting
     "qic" file to the DVD, or (c) use Winzip and copy the "zip".  The latter
     is the best way if you're still on Windoze 95 or 98, because (would you
     believe?) Windoze XP can't read Windoze 95/98 "qic" files!  A nasty
     little trap for the unwary, that one - yet another Micro$oft "gotcha".

     One final bit of houskeeping: Lots more of those silly "bank" emails
     have started arriving in the last month or so.  You know the ones ...
     "Click here to update your details ..."   The one I received this
     afternoon has a link which reads www.commbank.com.au.  But if you look
     at the email in "pure text" mode, you'll notice that the link actually
     goes to kent.sun-inet.or.jp:6669 - a site in Japan.  So as usual -
     ignore these - do NOT be sucked in to changing (ie: giving) your details
     over the 'net.  (Better still, don't 'bank' over the 'net at all)

     Okay, enough of that - to the humour, and first up, this one from
     Maayan in Capetown ... although at the moment, she's back home in Israel
     enjoying some beautiful home cooking and catching up with old friends
     and lovers and (would you believe) hasn't smoked or drunk or sniffed
     anything evil for several weeks now ... a will of steel, that girl.
     We had this one back in 2002, but good enough to repeat:
                           --------------------------


                                  BIG EARS

After her sixth child, Jane decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery
"down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory because her
barn doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace.

Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children
now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so
it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses
at the end of the bed.

"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit
confused as to why I've received them."

"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went
so well you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".

"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Jane.

"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a
success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first
time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!".

"Brilliant!" said Jane. "And the third?".

"That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit" said the nurse. "He just
wanted to say thanks for his new ears."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         Next, we received this little collection from Moonboot:
                           --------------------------

                               THE SANDWICHES

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs
the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site
is ten miles away, so--being tortoises--it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer.  "Ok Les, give me the
bottle opener."

"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."

Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"

Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a
bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for it, but he refuses, saying,
"No way. As soon as I'm out of sight you guys will eat all the sandwiches."

After arguing for two hours, and after Mick and Alan have sworn on their
tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, Les finally agrees. So
he sets off down the road at a steady pace.

Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving,
but a tortoise promise is a tortoise promise.

Another five days pass and he still isn't back, but a tortoise promise is a
tortoise promise. Finally, they can't take it any longer so they take out a
sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind
a rock and shouts ...

"I KNEW it!  I'm NOT f--king going!"

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----


                              FUNNY BUSINESS

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage
bags with her, one in each hand.  There's a hole in one of the bags, and
every once in a while a $50 note is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her.  "Ma'am, there are $50 notes falling
out of that bag..."

"Damn ...!" says the little old lady "I'd better go back and see if I can
still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?"
"Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the
parking lot of the football stadium.  Each time there's a game, a lot of
fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds.  So I go and
stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone
sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $50 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck!  By the way, what's
in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up" ...

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----

A man goes to the confessional and begins, "Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned."

"What is your sin, my son?" the priest asks back.

"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel
absolutely terrible."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the priest.

"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going
to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the
fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Father," says the man.

"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his
mouth, and began to run away."

"Is that when you swore?" asks the priest again.

"Well, no," says the man. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came
down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is that when you swore?" asks the amazed priest.

"No, not yet," the man replies.

"As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward the
green. As it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped
my ball."

"Did you swear then?" asks the now impatient priest.

"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes,
careened off a big rock, rolled through a sand trap onto the green, and
stopped within six inches of the hole."

The priest sighs. "You missed the putt, didn't you?"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


          And this collection came in from Whizzbang ...
                           --------------------------

     15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MUM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR
     GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS ...

1.  Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

2.  Q: What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?  A: Shut the door.

3.  If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up
    there.

4.  Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5.  Go for the younger man.  You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6.  Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can
    tell them apart.

7.  Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make
    some woman miserable.

8.  Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9.  Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even
    in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

14. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it
    means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----


                   FLUCTUATIONS (A variation on an oldie)

I had a bunch of Aussie dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the currency
exchange  window at the local bank.

I chose the shortest line: just one guy in front of me.

He was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was
a little agitated.

He asked the teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dolla fo
yen. Today I get hunat eighty?"

The teller says, "Fluctuations."

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white guys too!"

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----


                                 USED CAR

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.  As he
was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in
a used car.

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they
trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away."

"We can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a used car here, we'd get screwed ... so
now we're waiting."

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----


                    MORE GOOD PHRASES FOR GIRL'S TEE-SHIRTS

1.  Men are like Laxatives ... They irritate the sh*t out of you.

2.  Men are like Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.

3.  Men are like Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.

4.  Men are like Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5.  Men are like Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right
    for your hips.

6.  Men are like Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.

7.  Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always half off.

8.  Men are like Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9.  Men are like Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many
    inches you'll get, or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots ... All the good ones are taken, the rest are
    handicapped.

  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       To da pics now, and again we must thank Digi Steve for providing the
       online storage for most of these.  So don't be surprised when your
       download box mentions "pozzie.net" instead of bluehaze for the larger
       files.  Really large ones may even say "pacific", but that's another
       story ... anyway, let's go: first up, it's one from Moonboot:

Jesus will survive: Click here - or if nort, Click here
                           --------------------------

           From Burnout, some nice shots from the recent visit of the
Ronald Raygun (M$ Powerpoint version): Click here
 or if you don't have Powerpoint handy, here are the original pics:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

         Incidentally - some interesting stats on the vessel from Burnout:

"The Raygun: 97,000 tons - Crew 6,500.

The Japanese Battleship 'Yamato' in WW2 by 1938 was 97,700 Tons, had 9 x 18.1
inch guns in 3 turrets, 8 x secondary armament 8 inch in two turrets, 120 x
4 inch antiaircraft guns, and 250 x anti-aircraft in 20mm.  Crew 4,800. 4
turbines, speed 33 knots.  I don't know how fast the Ronnie Raygun goes!

'Yamato' fired 18.1 inch shells, they weighed in excess of 1.5 tons each ...
guns were radar guided and it's believed that they were accurate to 33 nautical
miles.  The Japs intended to build 5 Yamato Class ships, but only two were
ever completed as Battleships.  The other two hulls were made into aircraft
carriers, but both were sunk by the Yanks on their maiden battles.

The longest successful hit on a target was by HMS 'Warspite', flagship
of Cunningham's, Mediterranean Fleet in 1941.  'Warspite' lobbed a single
ranging shot at an Italian Battleship, (who's name escapes me at the moment)
and hit the Italian on the bridge.  The 'Itie fleet' turned away.  During that
action, two Destroyers of the famed Aussie 'Scrap Iron Flotilla' HMAS Stuart &
HMAS Waterhen destroyed and sank an Itie Heavy Cruiser 4 times their own size."

          Continuing with more Burnout pics and clips:

Needs glasses (M$ WMV movie): Click here
Candid Camera (M$ WMV movie - mangled, doesn't play all the way): Click here
More exam answers: Click here Click here Click here Click here
Just ask Martha: Click here
DIY car aircon: Click here
You guess: Click here
 or if you don't have Powerpoint handy, here are the original pics:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here
                           --------------------------

         This one from Len (ex-hollywood):
Rolo-phant: Click here
                           --------------------------

         And from Davee in the Scottish Isles, a new version of ...
Minesweeper: Click here
                           --------------------------

         Captain Ron's still on board (even though he's left CSIRO for
         better pastures) - he sent these over:

Sydney again: Click here
Friends (M$ PPT - and beware, a little X-Rated): Click here
                           --------------------------

         And from Whizzbang, we just received these ...
Ten things God won't ask (M$ PPT): Click here
Capetown waters (also from Burnout): Click here
My recursive world (M$ PPT): Click here
Smack the pony (M$ WMV movie): Click here
                           --------------------------

         Tina loves dogs and things and she just passed this one on ...
Fetch: Click here
                           --------------------------

         And a couple from Maayan ...
About dogs: Click here
Her new love: Click here
                           --------------------------

         From Digi Maria:
Moon truth: Click here
                           --------------------------

         Eric browsed around up in his tree in Africa and discovered a few
         more interesting branches and holes; these show what computer geeks
         get up to in their spare time ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

       plus this rather beautiful bit of art work you musn't miss - it's
       all just a bit of a Sand Fantasy ... Click here
                           --------------------------

         Croydon Caz passed on this great collection - plenty of movies here:
Wife label: Click here
Car wash on a hot day: Click here
         and the rest of Caz's collection here are movie clips:
Wow - small! Click here
Clean your pockets: Click here
Blow darts: Click here
Toyota aircon: Click here
New beer brand: Click here
I'm Friday: Click here
Toyota bait: Click here
Sky High Airlines: Click here
                           --------------------------

         I missed out on recording our contributor's name for this lot, but
         (as Davo puts it), "you know who you are" ...

Brokeback Mountain ...  Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
                           --------------------------

         IsK passed this one on ...
Snakes alive! Click here
                           --------------------------

         The other Davo (Rowan) found these during the last week or so -
         they're all classics too ...
Another Ebay ad - "My Helmet" (you need to read the whole text): Click here
Jeeps are so good: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
And the movie (MPEG): Click here
An incredible fishing video: Click here
                           --------------------------

         And from Rudolph VK6BRJ (over the other side of the Nullabor):
Peace! Click here
                           --------------------------

         And another WMV clip, this time from Errol ...
Trombone and ... Click here
                           --------------------------

         Muse over in Canada passed this one on - it's all about the joys of
Shopping in Detroit: Click here
                           --------------------------

         And from JnR, yet another chopper clip ...
Chop Air: Click here
                           --------------------------

                       AUDIO BYTES ... SOME WEEKEND LISTENING

         I must apologise in advance for the bad audio quality of the two
         clips we present this week.  "Our ABC" in Oz is as Sydney-centric
         as ever, and these programs originated in Melbourne.  So quite
         coincidentally, I'm sure, these versions as stored on the ABC's
         web site were only ever encoded as very poor quality RealAudio
         clips - about the worst method possible.  Not only that, they were
         encoded at a miserable 16Kbit - the lowest possible quality even for
         that awful CODEC.

         Considering the importance of the subject matter being discussed,
         this would have to be a perfect example of crass ABC "inter-state"
         jealousy at work (surely the A in ABC should be replaced with S?)

         Anyway, if you can put up with the dreadful quality (I've converted
         the ABC's awful RealBadAudio to MP3 for you), have a listen to these
         classic "National Interest" interviews by Terry Lane from 2005.
         You probably won't hear any more, BTW ... Terry has just retired
         yet again.  Anyway, if he ever does return to the SBC albeit briefly
         in future, let's pray that the Sydney whackers can organise even half-
         decent audio quality on the web for us ...

June 19, 2005 - Confessions of an economic hitman (MP3) Click here

July 24, 2005 - Changes in Oz Industrial Relations (MP3) Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         Okay, enough multimedia for one week.  Over to the CUB froth and
         bubble malt factory now for these:
                           --------------------------

                           YET MORE CLASSICS FROM KIDS

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8
year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and
deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries
without making them give you any of theirs."  Chrissy - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."  Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mummy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before
giving it to him, to make sure the taste is okay."  Danny - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing,
you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mummy and Daddy are like
that. They look gross when they kiss" Emily - age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents
and listen," Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who
you hate," Nikka - age 6

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends
even after they know each other so well."  Tommy - age 6

"Love is when Mummy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."  Elaine-age 5

"Love is when Mummy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is
handsomer than Toby Keith."  Chris - age 7

"Love is when Bo licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come
out of you" Karen - age 7

"Love is when Mummy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."
Mark - age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean
it, you should say it a lot. People forget."  Jessica - age 8

And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a
contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the
most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an
elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry,
the little boy went into the gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and
just sat there. When his Mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor,
the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----

                            GUESS THE PRESENT

(Repeat from Jun 11, 1999, oldie but good)

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their
teacher.  The florist's son handed the teacher a gift.  She shook it, held it
up and said "I bet I know what it is it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.  She held
it up, shook it and said "I bet I know what it is it's a box of candy!"

"That's right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son.  The teacher held it up
and saw that it was leaking.  She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.  The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

"What is it?"

"A puppy!"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       And from Mad Bob in Sydney (mad as in irritated - by our political
       opinions), we just received this variation on an oldie ...
                           --------------------------

                                     LOGIC

Two  Victorian  farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar,
drinking beer.

Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life
without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college,
and sign up for some classes."

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions,
who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically speaking, because you own a weedeater, I think that you
would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says.  "Because you have a yard, I think logically
that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet.  Because you have a family, then logically you must have
a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual.  That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that
because I have a weedeater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go
meet Bob at the bar.

He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English,
History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you.  Do you have a weedeater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


            Couple more from Burnout ...

                            LATEST SCAM - BEWARE

The latest scam which happened to me at Broadbeach Mall, Gold Coast.

Two good looking 18 year old girls with wet T-shirts approach while you're
still in the car.

One starts wiping your windshield with a Squigee, the other comes to your
window saying 'Hi' while bending over with her breasts almost coming out of
her blouse, impossible not to look.

When you offer $2 for the screen-clean, they say no, but they ask you for a
ride to another Shopping Centre. You agree and tell them to sit in the back.

On the way, they start having sex in the back seat.  Then one of them jumps
into the front seat and starts performing oral sex on you while the other
one steals your wallet.

I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.

I couldn't find them Saturday or Sunday.

Be careful.

                      -----======#=====#=====#=====-----


                            MORE ALTERNATE MEANINGS

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to
its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate
meanings for common words. The winners are:

1.  Coffee (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.

2.  Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3.  Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4.  Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5.  Willy-nilly (adj.) impotent.

6.  Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer
    the door in your nightgown.

7.  Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.

8.  Gargoyle (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.

9.  Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
    over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.) a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n) a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) (back by popular demand): The belief that, when
    you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

                              = = = = = = = = =

   The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take
   any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
   one letter, and supply a new definition.  Here are this year's winners:

1.  Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
    ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
    of breaking down in the near future

2.  Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
    financially impotent for an indefinite period.

3.  Giraffiti (n) Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

4.  Sarchasm (n) The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
    who doesn't get it.

5.  Inoculatte (v) To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

6.  Hipatitis (n) Terminal coolness.

7.  Osteopornosis (n) A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

8.  Karmageddon (n) It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
    really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like,
    a serious bummer.

9.  Decafalon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
    only things that are good for you.

10. Glibido (v) All talk and no action.

11. Dopeler effect (n) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
    they come at you rapidly.

12. Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've
    accidentally walked through a spider web.

13. Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
    bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

14. Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the
    fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature: Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid
and an asshole.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


          Finally, this one as passed on by Anne P in a pear tree and
          Peter D ...


                       MARRIAGE CAN GET QUITE DIFFICULT

Please excuse the rough language in the following story...

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back,
the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "so how
was the honeymoon?"

Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started
using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before!  I mean
all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home..., PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband
and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed,
they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother
these horrible 4-letter words!"

Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama ... he used words like ... dust, wash,
iron, cook ..."
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[ End Friday humour ]
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