Friday humour - February 03, 2006

     From Davo at bluehaze:

   G'day

Bit later than normal this week (problems with the mail-list permissions
at bluehaze, but now fixed)

In the ABC's 7:30 Report a few nights ago they showed clips of our Man of Steel
in 2002 congratulating the AWB (Australian Wheat Board) on its successful
negotiations getting our wheat to Iraq under the UN oil-for-food program.
Of course the hold up with ships not being unloaded was caused by Howard's
disparaging remarks about Saddam at the time.  Then they showed a clip of
six months later when Howard had a national broadcast giving reasons why
we were invading Iraq.  One of his reasons was that Saddam had rorted the
oil-for-food program despicably grabbing UN money to build up his weapons
rather than having it go to supplying food for the Iraqi people.  Yet which
country gave Saddam the shonky $300 million?  John Howard's Australia!

Of course the Lying Rodent is now doing another "Manuele".  He knows nothing.
Yet just prior to the 2004 election he instructed our US ambassador to
approach those US Congressmen talking about holding an inquiry into the AWB's
behaviour assuring them that everything was above board.  The Congressmen in
King George's America are not pleased.  It's truth overboard all over again.
Howard doesn't seem phased at all that the AWB was redirecting UN money
straight into Saddam's coffers - the one that he was to declare war on.
Perhaps we should all just move on ...

BTW ... it's interesting that senior Queensland Liberal Senator George Brandis
was not given a berth in Howard's latest Cabinet reshuffle.  Brandis was
credited with labelling the Man of Steel as "the lying rodent".  It would
appear that little Johnny can remember things ... when he wants to.

Frank from the UK enjoys the funnies and also some of our serious FH
commentaries and has sent this in for some serious thought ... Click here

Now to get in the mood try this infuriating puzzle sent in by young Andrew
in the disaster that is One-IT: Click here

         ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___

   First up this week we have Digi Maria on brassieres

                                   BAPTIST BRA

A man walked into the Women's Department of Macy's in New York City. He told
the Sales lady, "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B".

With a quizzical look, the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"

He repeated, "A Baptist bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist
bra and that you would know what she wanted."

"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady, "we don't get as many requests
for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra
or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type".

Confused and a little flustered, the man asked, "So what are the differences?"

The lady responded, "Well, it's really quite simple.

The Catholic type supports the masses,

The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen,

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright."

He mused at that for a moment and then asked, "So, what is the Baptist
type for?"

"They", she replied, "make mountains out of molehills".

  ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___


                                  MORE ON BRAS

Have you ever wandered why bras are lettered A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, H and
how the letters are actually used to define bra sizes? Well, if you have
ever wondered, but couldn't figure it out, here's the code:

A. Almost Boobs

B. Barely Boobs

C. Can't Complain

D. Dang!

DD. Double Dang!

E. Enormous

F. Fake

G. Get a reduction

H. Help Me, I've fallen and can't get up.....

        ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___


And from Allnutts

                       2 LIFE CHANGING QUESTIONS ... AND MORE

Question 1:

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who
were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis,
would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before looking at the answer for this one.

Question 2:

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are
the facts about the three leading candidates.

Candidate A - Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with
astrologists. He's had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to
10 martinis a day.

Candidate B - He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used
opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C - He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke,
drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.

Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first, no peeking,
then scroll down for the answer.

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt. Candidate B is Winston
Churchill. Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

This is reality of life, ain't???!!

And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question: If you said yes,
you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone. Never
be afraid to try something new. Remember: Amateurs built the ark. Professionals
built the Titanic and in case you never saw this one......

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500
employees and has the following statistics:

* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse * 7 have been arrested for fraud *
19 have been accused of writing bad checks * 117 have directly or indirectly
bankrupted at least 2 businesses *3 have done time for assault * 71 cannot
get a credit card due to bad credit * 14 have been arrested on drug-related
charges * 8 have been arrested for shoplifting * 21 are currently defendants
in lawsuits * 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year.

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress.

The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year
designed to keep the rest of us in line.

  ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___

A quickie from Sister Carol

                                     BRAIN TRANSPLANT

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family
member lay gravely ill.  Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried
faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain
transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only
hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the
brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length
of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a
female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye
contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone
wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group,
"It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of
the female brains, because they've actually been used."

  ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___

A quickie from Little Di

                                       MAGICAL MIRROR

There is legend that goes like this ...

In a bar in New York there is a magical mirror If you go up to it and tell
it the truth it will grant you a wish If you lie - poof it swallows you up.

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead walk into this bar. They head straight for
the mirror. The redhead goes first and says "I think I'm the most beautiful
woman on Earth" Poof- the mirror swallows her up.

The brunette goes up to the mirror and says "I think I'm the sexiest woman
on Earth" Poof - the mirror swallows her up.

Last, the blonde goes up to the mirror says " I think........" Poof!!


  ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___

Some Moonboot stuff

                             DEFAULT LOYALTY IN MARRIAGE

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,
Yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned
for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, He whispered, eyes full of tears,
"You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad. When I got fired, you were there
to support me.

When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?

What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with emotion.

He responded, "I think you're bad luck, get the hell away from me ..."

  ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___


                                       THE CORONER

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination...

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his
girlfriend. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.

"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it
all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, this is the most unusual one. Paddy from Kerry, 30,
struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."


  ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___


                                THE CONDOM SHELF

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk
by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

Dad, wanting to be an open, liberal, matter-of-fact father, replies, "Those
are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class
at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,
"Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys: one for Friday, one for
Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers. "TWO for Friday, TWO for
Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, looking on the shelf more closely to see if there
are any other options. He sees it: "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking
up a 12 pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January,
one for February, one for March...."

  ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___

And from Digi Maria

                POCKET TASER STUN GUN, A GREAT GIFT FOR THE WIFE.

This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser"
for their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be
short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing
her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it
against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs.

Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot
is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a
batteries, right?!!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking
on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was
going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in
another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and
a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer
than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best..... I'm
sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as
to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such
a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give
myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs
to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere
to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds
I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself,
"do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note
of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would
be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so
later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected
my wits(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get
there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed
88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward
for their safe return. Still in shock.

  ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___

This came from Wellington Ben (aka Lenny)

                         ENGLISH, MYSTERIOUS AND BEAUTIFUL

Why is English so hard to learn?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present
   the present
8) I did not object to the object.
9) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
10) They were too close to the door to close it.
11) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
12) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
13) I shed my clothes in the shed.

Let's face it - English is a ridiculous language.

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in a hamburger; neither apple nor pine
in a pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England, nor French fries in
France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are
meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig
is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that bakers bake,
but grocers don't groce?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of Booth - beeth? One
goose, 2 geese... So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? If teachers
taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum
for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and
play at a recital?

We ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that
smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which Your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity
of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why,
when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out,
they are invisible.

And finally, how about when you want to shut down your computer you have to
hit "START".

  [  BTW  I've always like Ben's email sigfile ... here it is   - Ed  ]
  =======================================================================
To the optimist, the glass is half full.  To the pessimist, the glass is
half empty.  To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be."

No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the Dog
next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you!  Those of you with
an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there
is no hidden message revealed by reading this notice backwards.

If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg
whites and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes.  Whisk briefly and let it
stand for 2 hours before icing.
  =======================================================================


   Some funny stuff rom Vinae in Oregon

A little boy was waiting on his mother to come out of a store. As he waited,
he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post
office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the street a couple of
blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new preacher in town, and I'd
like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you don't even know
the way to the post office!"

  ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___


A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with
certain basic items. "How much do you weigh?" she asks.

"120," the woman says. The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her
weight is 150.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"

"5 feet, 8 inches," she says. The nurse checks and sees that she measures
only 5 feet, 5 inches.

She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" she screams. "When I came in here, I was tall and
slender, and now I'm short and fat!"

  ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___


In the year 1981,

1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope John Paul II was shot.

In the year 2005,

1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. The Pope died.

Lesson learned? The next time Charles gets married, someone warn the Pope!

  ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___


  This weeks pics are from Allnutts, Anne & Peter, Burnout, Brett Dude, Trina,
  Muse from Canada, DLT Ursula, Mandie M&Ms, Cartographer Chris, Croydon Caz,
  and Stonefish.

 From Moonboot: New irish search engine:- Click here

 From Eric in Africa "Hee-hee..... Glad I'm not a Daschund :-), Eric - That
Guy in South Africa (my Treetop - seed has been planted)" Click here

Haircut: Click here Click here

Australian of the Year: Click here Click here

Young Businessman of the Year: Click here

Clever shopfront Click here

Drop your dacks Click here

Smart kid Click here

Silly old fart Click here

Seeing is believing: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

SnowWorld Click here

Good nature Click here

Comic portrates Click here

Happy Easter Click here

Soccer babes Click here

Roller derby Click here

Handy Andy Click here

  ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___


   Back to ASCII and Errol

                                       NICE BUNCH

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500
employees and has the following statistics?

29 have been accused of spouse abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad cheques

117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

It's the 535 members of the Houses of Parliament, The same group that cranks
out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.


  ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___


   From the Bookends at Castle Hill Books

Now that Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas has become firmly established in
Hollywood, and Charlotte Church is a well-known celebrity slapper in the
UK, the Welsh film industry is to receive additional funding to step up
production. They are going to remake many well known films, but this time
with a Welsh flavour.

The following are planned for release this year...

* 9 Leeks
* Trefforest Gump
* Cwmando
* The Lost Boyos
* An American Werewolf in Powys
* Huw Dares Gwyneth
* Dai Hard
* The Wizard of Oswestry
* Cool Hand Look-you
* Sheepless in Seattle
* The Eagle has Llandudno
* The Magnificent Severn
* Haverfordwest Was Won
* Austin Powys
* The Magic Rhonddabout
* Independence Dai
* The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch That Time
  Forgot
* Seven Brides from Seven Sisters
* Welsh Connection
* Welsh Connection II
* The Bridge on the River Wye
* Lawrence of Llandybie
* A Beautiful Mind-you
* The Welsh Patient
* The King and Mair
* The Sheepsh@g Redemption ( my favourite)
* Breakfast at Taffynys
* Look You Back in Bangor
* Evans Can Wait
* A Fishguard Called Rhondda
* Where Eagles Aberdare
* Dial M For Merthyr

  ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___

More from Smithie

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just
like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all the
time! Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that
to Frank - every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam
at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and
danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"

Cabbie: "There's more"......." He had a memory like a computer. Could remember
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which
fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse,
and the whole street blacks out."

Passenger. "Wow, some bloke then"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic
jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them."

Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never
answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always
immaculate, shoes highly polished too - the perfect man!"

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his f--king widow."

  ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___

This blonde stuff arrived from Allnutts at Highett

GEOGRAPHY

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one
blonde says to the other: "Which do you think is farther away.......... Florida
or the moon? "The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see
Florida.......?????

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it
died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says,
"What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks,
"And, how often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her
very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you
guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license
and then today u expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the
other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and
shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing
at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was
knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,
the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
"PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said,
"We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the
moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The
Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You
can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To
which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, She rolled
the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are
in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one
was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said "Whoever heard of
someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLOOOOOO," answered the blonde. "They're
watch dogs!"

  ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___

Here's an oldie from Croydon Caz

                                        CANNIBALS

A large company recently hired several cannibals as it was expanding quickly
and couldn't find enough British staff.

"You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming
briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the canteen
on the Ground Floor for something to eat, but please don't eat any of our
other employees".   The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm
satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared.. Do
any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads "No".

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly.

"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers
and no one noticed anything. But , NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone
who actually does something!"

  ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___

A newsflash from Wellington Ben

Elton John's recent gay marriage has ended abruptly.

Apparently, he caught his partner having sex behind his back.


  ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___

  From Stonefish

                          APPLYING FOR SOCIAL SECURITY

A retired gentleman went to apply for Social Security. After waiting in
line for quite a long time he arrived at the counter. The woman behind the
counter asked him for his identification to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He
told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have
to go home and come back now?" he asks.

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." He opens his shirt revealing lots of
curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough
for me," as she processes his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at
the Social Security office.

She says, "You should have dropped your pants-you might have qualified for
disability, too."


  ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___

Finally this from Mad Mick of Marwick

                                THE RIFLE SHOP

A man who just got a pay rise decides to buy a new telescopic sight for his
rifle. He goes to a rifle shop and asks the clerk to show him one. The clerk
takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see
my house all the way up on that hill."

The man takes a look through the scope and starts laughing. "What's so
funny?" asks the clerk.

"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house," the
man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man and looks at his house. Then he hands
two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this
scope for free if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and
shoot the guy's dick off."

The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I
think I can do that with one shot!",

  ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___


Quote of the Week:

     "America is a great force for freedom and prosperity. Yet our greatness is
      not measured in power or luxuries, but by who we are and how we treat one
      another. So we strive to be a compassionate, decent, hopeful society."

          George W Bush
                            2006 State of the Union address

  ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-end-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___



[ End Fri humour ]
 Previous (January 27, 2006)  Index Next (February 10, 2006)