Friday humour - January 27, 2006
From Davo at bluehaze:
We trust all and sundry had a Happy Australia Day ... or for the Aboriginal
community a Happy Invasion Day.
Thanks to a tip from Beth in Scotland, I've been reading a fascinating
book by Jim Marrs titled "Inside Job - Unmasking the 9/11 Conspiracies".
It asks several pertinent questions as to conflicting official accounts of
what occurred on that fateful day.
So many doubt's are raised as to why the four hijacked airliners all had
between 74% to 84% empty seats, why none of the planes was shot down,
why there's no evidence of a 757 smashing into the Pentagon, why the
two WTC towers collapsed so quickly as if they'd been detonated, why Bush
continued with his photo op address to school children after he "officially"
was advised that America was under attack, why the bin Laden family was
flown out of the US when all commercial flights out of the US were grounded,
and why evidence at the Ground Zero site was so rapidly removed and destroyed.
It does make you wonder how much of the official reports we should be expected
to believe. Marrs is of the view that too many people had fore-knowledge
about what was about to occur and did nothing to stop it. Possibly one
scenario was that if we can pin this on Saddam Hussein we could be seen to
have a legitimate reason to invade Iraq and take the oil.
One startling revelation is that families of victims were so quickly offered
half a million dollars direct from the US Treasury (something never done
before) on the condition that they remain silent. 75 families chose not
to take the money and want the President to supply answers to their many
So many of those fleeing the WTC on 9/11 heard a series of multiple bombs
being detonated. This has never been explained.
Those not prepared to believe everything they're told should check this
publication out. Click here
Now to the funnier stuff ...
First this week from Burnout
Are you a Harvard Scollar?
This was developed by an R & D department at Harvard Uni. Take your
time and see if you can read each line without a mistake. The average
person over forty can't do it.
1.This is this cat.
2.This is is cat.
3.This is how cat.
4.This is to cat.
5.This is keep cat.
6.This is an cat.
7.This is old cat.
8.This is fart cat.
9.This is busy cat
10.This is for cat
11.This is forty cat.
12 This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top down,
and I bet you decide you know someone you are going to send it to.
Here's a man's joke from Moonboot
Men are just happier people
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is
just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You
can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water
park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never
have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just
too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000, Tux
rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The
occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut,
blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. It gets better.... or
worse, depending on your gender;
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about
tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your
own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If
someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your
underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than
enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to
see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original
color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to
shave your face and neck. It gets even more extreme;
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big
hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can
wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a
pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.. You
can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
This is from Minnesota Scott
A woman sent her laundry out to be done at the local chinese laundry. When it
came back she noticed spots in her underwear. She sent it back with a note -
Use more soap on the underwear.
When it came back it still had spots. Again she sent a note - use more soap
on the underwear.
And again she sent it back in with a note - use more soap on the underwear.
That time the laundry man was fed up and tired of the notes so when he sent
her laundry back he had a note of his own attached.
Use more toilet paper!
This from Pooley
Yellow, Pink and Green
Mujjibar was trying to get into Australia legally through Immigration.
The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there
is one more test. Unless you pass it, you cannot enter the United States
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am
The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up,
and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now lives in a neighbourhood near you and works at a Telstra
I talked to him yesterday
Smithy sent this in from Nottingham
How You Know You Are A High Tech Worker
It's dark when you drive to and from work.
You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different
Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
You learn about your layoff on CNN.
Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
Your supervisor hasn't the ability to do your job assignment.
You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the
Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
All real work gets started after 5pm or on weekends.
10% of the people you work with (boss included) -- knows what they do.
Vacation is something you rollover to next year.
Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers" or
"does something with satellites"
You read this entire list and understood it.
Another from Burnout
You gotta love Robin Williams...... Even if he's nuts!
Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we
need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.
Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!)
"I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan
for peace. So, here's one plan."
1) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their
affairs, past and present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo,
Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those 'good ole boys', we
will never "interfere" again.
2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with
Germany, South Korea, the Middle East, and the Philippines. They don't
want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed
sneaking through holes in the fence.
3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and
leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder
will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or
where they are. They're illegal! France will welcome them.
4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days
unless given a special permit! No one from a terrorist nation will be
allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't
hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any
more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.
5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If
they don't attend classes, or they get a "D" and it's back home baby.
6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy
wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but
will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The
caribou will have to cope for a while.
7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for
their oil. If they don't like it, we go some place else. They can go
somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells
filling up the storage sites would be enough.)
8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we
will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds,
rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them
are stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very
little, if anything.
9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island some place. We don't
need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building
would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one
can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is
ENGLISH... learn it... or LEAVE... Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?
"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your tired, your
poor, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling,
'you want a piece of me?' "
This old chestnut arrived from Moonboot
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the
wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the
biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you
to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize,
and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm
voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage
that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle
was lying on its side near the broken window. A large black man
reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh.. yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm
a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now
that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give
you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted
out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country
in the world," she said.
Consider it done,"the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe
from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both
now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of
the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about
three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly
into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding." he said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still
believe in genies?"
And from Fosters John
The pirate Red Beard was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter who
was looking for juicy stories of excitement and daring. He told Red,
"I'm sure my readers would love to hear the tale behind your peg leg."
"Well, I was thrown from the ship during gale force winds, and before me
mate could throw me a line, a shark bit me leg clean off."
The interviewer was sort of disappointed. "What about the hook at the
end of your right arm?"
"I lost it in a sword fight with the Captain of the Guard."
Again the reporter was disappointed. "Certainly there's an exciting
story about the patch on your eye?"
"One day, I was out on deck, and a bird flew over and crapped in me
The reporter was amazed. "That's why you wear a patch?"
"Well, I'd only had me hook a couple of days."
The Deviants from Perth found this one
BREAD IS DANGEROUS
Research on bread indicates that:
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households
score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home,
the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality
rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and
diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours
of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven
that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse.
The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence
of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and
given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder"
items such as butter, jam, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more
than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your
body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into
a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 200 degrees Celsius! That
kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between
significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed that the
following bread restrictions be made:
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV
spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we
might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colours (which may appeal
to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
This from Justice Jessie
Ten thoughts for 2006
Here are ten thoughts to ponder for 2006:-
Life is sexually transmitted.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an
erection, make him a sandwich.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use
the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like a Slinky..... not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
In the 60s, people took drugs to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take drugs to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the
millions and millions of cows in the UK but we haven't got a clue as to
where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe
we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.
Another from Minnesota Scott
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy
looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to
you, that you're from Ireland." The other guy responds proudly, "Yes,
that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin , I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street
did you live on in Dublin ?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary
Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! So did I!
And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what
year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I
can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.
Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters,
"It's going to be a long night tonight!"
Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"
"The Murphy twins are drunk again."
More trouble with the pics this week - mostly caused by Tony's cute niece.
Most of these filenames have had to be manually typed so hopefully some
might work. Several pics have had to be withheld. With any luck Bluehaze
Enterprises Inc will be fully functional by the time the next issue goes
What we do have are from Croydon Caz, Burnout, Mark from Education, Allnutts,
Mad Mick, UK Smithy, Pooley, Digi Maria, Fujitsu Dave, and Guy in Canada,
This is Caz' missing pic from last week (it looks as if the tea lady
knocked off the original).
"The guy at the front is steering. Most of the guys down the sides
(bars) are peddling ... and drinking. There are custom sized holes cut
in the bar to accommodate the (plastic) glasses. Not visible in my
picture is a serving whench, who parades up & down between the bars.
This whole machine moves sedately along the streets of Amsterdam at no
more than about 10mph (16kmh). Oddly, other road users seem very
tolerant towards it. I wonder if, it being a cycle, whether it's allowed
on the many Dutch Cycleways?" Click here
>From Nottingham Smithy
"If ya like cooking, here's a freebee from some kind person who thinks
young Jamie is obviously making too much ... " Click here
Synchronised goldfish Click here
Sexual harassment Click here
Novice golfer Click here
Perfect car for women Click here
Quarter horse for sale Click here
Questions Click here Click here Click here
Test your mouse Click here
Job hunter Click here
Fun with the Vespa Click here
New book Click here
Never speak first Click here
This came from new contributor Maura M
Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms and kept
the same tag-line...
Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better
Tesco Condoms - every little helps
Nike Condoms - Just do it.
Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.
Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.
KFC Condoms - Finger licking good.
Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load.
Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough.
Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.
Duracell condoms - keep going and going.
Pringles condoms - once you pop, you cant stop
Burger King Condoms - Home of the whopper
Goodyear Condoms - for a longer ride go wide
FCUK condoms - no comment required.
Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain.
Halfords condoms - we go the extra mile.
Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.
Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long
Renault condoms - size really does matter!
Ronseal condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin
Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in 30 minutes
Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim! (Eeeuww! ...)
Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach
Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world
AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service
Pepperami condoms - it's a bit of an animal
Polo condoms - the condom with the hole
The Manchester United Condom... One Yank and your whole world falls
Croydon Caz sent in this one
Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
This from Beth and Chris SOB in Scotland
Bless Me Father
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
"Yes, Father it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?," asks the Father.
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation," replies
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may
as well tell me now." Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say," responds Johnny.
"Was it Teresa Volpe,?" inquires the Father.
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capeli?"
"I'm sorry Father but I cannot name her," Johnny replies again.
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"Father, my lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please Father, I simply cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Prisi
and I admire that but you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot attend
church services for 4 months. Now go and behave yourself.
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and
whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads!"
A couple more from Pooley
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The
doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a
semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's
First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left
hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We
even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with
both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her
knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still
couldn't get the jar open."
Jimmy the Aboriginal
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and
invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Jimmy, the
only aboriginal in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool
in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns,
oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said,
"I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million
dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.
"The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool!
Jimmy was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Jimmy was jabbing the
croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of
shit, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and
flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The
water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Jimmy and the croc
were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a
K-mart goldfish. Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody
was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million
Nah, you all right, I don't want it," said Jimmy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet."
"How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Jimmy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Jimmy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Jimmy, then what do you want?"
Jimmy said, "I want the name of the cunt who pushed me in the Pool
Finally this brainstorm by our beloved Moonboot
(shame you name isn't tony santerson... you would be
"TONY EARNS TONS"
benson and hedges
HANDS BEGONE ENDS
(moonboots` real name)
I BLUNT JESSY
BY JESUS INTL
A COLOSSI HUMAN COLONY
outsourced to india
Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
Funeral = Real Fun
The Detectives = Detect Thieves
A Gentleman = Elegant Man
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
Debit card = Bad Credit
George Bush = He bugs Gore
Ronald Reagan = A darn long era
A Tony Blair`s, MP = I'm A Torys plan B
Virginia Bottomley = I'm an evil Tory bigot
Margaret Thatcher = A charm tart, get her!
The best things in life are free = Nail-biting
refreshes the feet
Paul Martin = A Primal nut
Hilton Hotels Corp = Hot trollop's niche?
Intelligent Design = Ill - Needing Testing
Buy Nothing Day = Buy? Do anything!
found on Click here
Quote of the Week:
"We've come to this dark time in which the new Gestapo of
Homeland Security lurks here, where citizens are having
their rights suspended. You can be arrested and not charged.
You can be arrested and have no right to counsel.
Bush rose to power somewhat dubiously and then lies to the
people of this nation, misleads them, misinstructs, and
then sends off hundreds of thousands of our own boys and
girls to a foreign land that has not aggressed against us."
- 78 year old entertainer Harry Belafonte (22/1/2006)
[ End Fri humour ]
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