Friday humour - January 20, 2006

     From Davo at bluehaze:

   G'day

  Thanks to all and sundry who rose to occasion with my appeal last week for
  more pics.  We had a mini deluge.  Unfortunately it would seem that one of
  the cleaning staff at Bluehaze Enterprises Inc tripped over the cord as I
  was attempting to ftp them so some have had to be held over for next week.

  Thanks also to Lord Syme who is in fact in Melbourne until after England
  loses the Commonwealth Games (again).  He's promised many more contributions
  when he gets back to his properties in the UK.  You'd think he could have
  got his cleaning staff to forward a few little items in between sessions.
  Oh, to be a Lord.

  In the best traditions of Sir Humphrey we have our esteemed Attorney
  General, Philip Ruddoch (the man most responsible for the disaster that is
  our Immigration Department, and more recently enacting his sedition laws)
  describing the bribes to the execs of the Australian Wheat Board as "modest
  facilitation".  It appears that the AWB paid $300 million dollars directly
  into Saddam Hussein's coffers in contravention of the UN's Oil for Food
  program.  As the details of these disgusting payments and kickbacks gradually
  are being squeazed out at the latest inquiry, Howard, the Man of Steel,
  has ensured that his Foreign Affairs Minister and Trade Minister don't
  have to appear.  Of course they wouldn't know anything.  They never do.
  And prefer it that way.  Then nobody has to take the blame, and we can all
  (as the PM keeps telling us) "move on".

  Talking of moving on, it's nice that the US has finally freed 500 prisoners
  from Abu Grahib jail in Baghdad.  Some had been there for up to 12 months.
  None of these people were charged with anything.  Amazing.  Wouldn't you
  like the Bush entourage to lob in your backyard for a couple of years and
  clean it up?

       And so we do move on to the funny stuff ...

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   First up, a couple from Burnout

                             THE BLONDE YEAR IN REVIEW

January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

February - Ordered new drapes for her computer because it had windows.

March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because
the box said - "2-4 years."

April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water wouldn't fit into the
little packet.

June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with
a slope

July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to
the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.

August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked
car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down.

September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C "

October - Hates M &M's because they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour
per pound and she weighed 120.

December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button.

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                            IN THE BEGINNING ...

In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated Earth
with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach and green, yellow and red vegetables of
all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Peter's Ice Cream, Custard and
Cream donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And they both
gained 5 kilos. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful Yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that
Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and
sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 8 to size 18.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand Island
Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman
unfastened their belts following the meal.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive Oil in
which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken,
and fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight
and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake and named it "Angel Cake" And said,
"It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named It "Devil's Food."

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with
nutrition. And Satan peeled the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre
into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained more kilos.

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those
extra kilos. And Satan gave cable TV with remote control so Man would not
have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and sat before
the flickering blue light and put on more weight.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its double
cheeseburger. Then said, You want fries with that?" and Man replied,
"Yes! And super size them." And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into
Cardiac Arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created the Queensland Health Department...

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And a couple of quickies from Fosters John

                                   PSYCHOLOGY

A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After
an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks,
tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

The lovely lady responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't
sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly
and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at
him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student
in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

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                                   OUT OF IT

A drunk staggers into a church and sits down in a confessional and says
nothing.

The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man
says nothing.

The priest knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man
to speak.

The drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

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This is from Sue and Bernie

                            THE DRINKER AND THE ROBOT

A man enters a pub and orders a drink.

The pub has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared
cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global
warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental
interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides
to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in
for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink
and asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responds, "about a 100."

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, horse
racing, cricket, supermodels, favorite fast foods, and guns.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot
one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks,
"What's your IQ?"

The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."

And the robot says... real slowly, "So............... ya gonna vote fer John
Howard again?"

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    Some dubious stuff from Pooley ...

                                       4 QUICKIES

A man kills a deer, brings it home, cooks it. Kids ask "what is it". Dad
gives a clue "it's what mum somestimes calls me. Kids cry "don't eat it -
it's a fucking arsehole"!

I went to an Islamic terroist's birthday party last night. Fuck me, it was
the fastest game of pass the parcel I've ever seen!

Tests have proven that before a fatal car crash city people say "oh fuck"
whilst country people say "hold my bundy and watch this for fuckin skill".

Man comes home from pub late at night very drunk. Wife says "right, explain
to me how you got the lipstick on your shirt". Husband replies "Fuckin easy,
I used my shirt to wipe my cock".

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                                WHAT'S DOING?

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mum on top of his dad
bouncing up and down. The mum sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried
about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mum and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I
have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mum, puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her
knees and blows it right back up."

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   This arrived from Minnesota Scott

                                   MUSICIANS JOKES

How do you get two piccolos to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.

What's the definition of a minor second?
Two flutists playing in unison.

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.

What's the difference between playing an English horn solo and wetting your
pants?
Not much. Both give you a warm feeling but no one else really cares.

What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on the trampoline.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.

Why do clarinetists leave their cases on their dashboards?
So they can park in handicapped zones.

What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.

What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
You can tune a lawn mower, and the owner's neighbors will be upset if you
borrow the lawn mower and don't return it.

How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five: One to handle the bulb and four others to contemplate how David Sanborn
would have done it.

How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and four others to tell him how much better
they could have done it.

How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.

What's the definition of a gentleman?
Someone who knows how to play the trombone but chooses not to.

What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead country
singer in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.

What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead
country singer in the road?
The country singer may have been on his way to a recording session.

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They have machines that do that now.

Why are a pianist's fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.

How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.

Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.

What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.

How do you get a violist to play a downbow staccato?
Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it solo.

Why are violins smaller than violas?
They are actually the same size. Violinists' heads are larger.

What's the difference between a cello and a viola?
The cello burns longer.

What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse inside.

Why are orchestral intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the cellists.

Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
The timpanist turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.

What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.

If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end...
It would be a good idea.

What do you call ten baritone horns at the bottom of the ocean?
A start.

If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which one will
hit the ground first?
Who cares?

Why are conductors' hearts coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.

How do you get a guitar to play softer?
Give him a sheet of music.

How many soundmen does it take to change a light bulb?
One, two, three... one, two, three...

"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer."

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This from Stonefish

                                   BLONDE JOKE

A blonde goes on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

Eddie: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline
left -- phone a friend.  The next question will give you the top prize of
One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will
drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Eddie: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it ...

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it.. but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Eddie, just to be sure.

Eddie: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Moonee Ponds."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Eddie: "Hello Maggie, its Eddie here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire -
I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your
help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds
to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own
nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple..... It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Eddie: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million,
Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Eddie: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Eddie: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Eddie: "Barbara..... you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ... you're right! -
You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your cheque. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler.
Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar
for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their champagne, Barbara
turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, how in God's name did you know
that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

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This weeks pics are in a dreadful mess. I'd like to blame Optus but can't
because frankly they had nothing to do with it. I could blame Moonboot for his
ginormous file(s) but he's one of the greats who keeps the FH globe spinning.
I still believe it was one of the cleaning staff tripping over something.
They've been caught at it in the back room before and I thought I was
reasonable in just asking them to tone it down a little when file transfers
were occuring.

These contributions are from UK Smithy, Rudolph from the West, Moonboot,
Ursula, IsK, Wellington Ben, Errol, Sue & Bernie, Uncle Doug, Caz (Queen of
Sheba), Cartographer Chris, Little Di, and you know who you are.  Thanks to
you all.  Unfortunately some of the creditations will be well screwed ... a
bit like our tea lady.

This from Rosalie
"Hi Ian and Tony,
Haven't had the time to read FH for a while, but here are some interesting
links for you... The National Geographic online site has a top ten news
photo list for 2005; all are impressive but I thought these two were the
most unusual Giant Catfish": Click here
"Dead Python": Click here
"And I had a few giggles from this one; where else can you find llamas running
wild in Europe:
  Regards
     Rose" - Click here

From Stonefish

"Although this has been on our screens for a while on & off i had this emailed
to me today.  Our overseas friends may enjoy it, i dont know..... Anyhow
keep up the good work
Stonefish" - Click here

(Thanks Stoney ... I know that wasn't yours but it will have to do.)

From Rudolf from the West:
"Now here is one for the oldies who are still young at heart!" Click here

From Grumpy John (Stevo)
"A new slant on the Aboriginal flag (as printed in The W/bool Standard
03/01/2006)" Click here

Unfortunately our Stevo abbreviates everything.  This is the Bool's info
site ...  Hey - it's a great beachside rural city and the home of Fletcher
Jones - historically Australia's best trouser makers.  Unfortunately their
trousers are now made in China.  For more info - ring one of their friendly
help desks in New Delhi.  www.warrnambooltourism.com.au/

From new contributor, Errol
"Hi Bluehaze,
Came across your site a couple of years ago and have been a regular visitor
since.  I found a little gem for you, non pc in these days of overblown
pcness. Hope you like it.  Regards Errol" Click here

From Caz from Croydon UK
"Not sure if you are or your readers are into WWII aircraft/crew etc but
this is a nice site to just look at.  The pictures change by themselves and
you can even adjust how you see them.  I like it.  Caz" Click here

More from Caz
"The guy at the front is steering. Most of the guys down the sides (bars)
are peddling ... and drinking. There are custom sized holes cut in the
bar to accommodate the (plastic) glasses. Not visible in my picture is a
serving whench, who parades up & down between the bars. This whole machine
moves sedately along the streets of Amsterdam at no more than about 10mph
(16kmh). Oddly, other road users seem very tolerant towards it. I wonder if,
it being a cycle, whether it's allowed on the many Dutch Cycleways?"
(Sorry Caz ...   I'm wondering where the pic went!  Maybe it's below.)

From Smithy of Nottingham
"They've found Popeye's Mum" Click here

Proof Aboriginals have been to the Moon Click here

Hitched Click here

Fun with Sue & Bernie: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Princess Crystal Click here

Bacardi Breezer Click here

Caz from Croydon's assortment: Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Workplace Agreement Click here

Love that doona Click here

Chinese advantage Click here

Hard wearing Click here

The chippie walked Click here

The dream catcher Click here

Frito - the Demon Click here

Simpsons and Medicinal Marijuana Click here

The Lee Evans Trio Click here

Prank Click here

Nursery Rhymes Click here

Gay delight: Click here

Tiger Woods House Click here

Cat Door Click here

Sex machine Click here

Pot Luck! (Most or all from Moonboot the Great)

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Thank God that's over.  We may have to ask Cartographer Chris to design a
better format ...  It's extremely difficult in plain text.

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These came from Caz of Croydon, UK

                           HOW DO THESE PEOPLE SURVIVE?

ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an
order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We
don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You
don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So
I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So
I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady
behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those
"dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our
things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my
items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code
so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know
how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll
buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She
had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling
it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she
was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number,
so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need
some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery
to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think
they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit
this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this
remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took
the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over
there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she
was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing
paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier r machine paper," the secretary told
her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper,
put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed
into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the
whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager
what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control"
and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a
large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with
their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch
banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my
terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT
Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on
his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message
"He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button
each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the
"lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

NINE
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take
her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells
her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mot her says,
I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!

Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."

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THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME WITH
THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE BUT... THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you.
But the roses are wilting,
the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty
and so is your head.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss.
But I only slept with you,
because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other.
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Of loving beauty you float with grace.
If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace.
But don't take that paper bag! off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell.
Except for maybe "go to hell".

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

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And from Burnout

                                  THE THINKER

Dan and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to
Mum and Dad's for the night.

In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going
out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mum if Dan and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No."

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His Mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his Mum, "Are Dan and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His Mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back
to school."

After school, he comes home and asks, "Are Dan and Mary up yet?"

His Mum says, "No."

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His Mum replies, "What do you think?"

He says, "Well, last night Dan came in for the Vaseline and I think I gave
him my aeroplane glue."

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Finally from the Kaiser

            OUTSOURCING OF JOBS REACHES THE PRESIDENT
                      by Staff Reporter Melynda Jill

Washington DC - Congress today announced that the office of President of
the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of January 31,
2006. The move is being made to save the President's $400,000 yearly salary,
and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead
the office has incurred during the last 5 years.

"We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be
significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). Reynolds, with the
aid of the Government Accounting Office, has studied outsourcing of American
jobs extensively. "We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage
with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.

Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations
for the job move have been underway or sometime. Gurvinder Singh of Indus
Teleservices, Mumbai, India, will be assuming the office of President as of
January 12, 2006. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian
parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the
position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health
coverage or other benefits.

It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities
without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India,
he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government
will be open.

"Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express
call center, "stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview." I am excited
about this position. I always hoped I would be President someday."

A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully
aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not
be a problem, because Bush was not familiar with the issues either. Mr. Singh
will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to
most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common
concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all. "We
know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush
has used them successfully for years." Mr. Singh may have problems with the
Texas drawl, but lately Bush has abandoned the "down home" persona in his
effort to appear intelligent and on top of the Katrina situation.

Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of
employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible for $240
a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for
Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit. Mr. Bush
has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write
a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower,
Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited
practical work experience. A Greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested
due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands and phoney smile. Another
possibility is Bush's re-enlistment in the Texas Air National Guard.

His prior records are conspicuously vague but should he choose this option,
he would likely be stationed in Waco, TX for a month, before being sent to
Iraq, a country he has visited.

"I've been there, I know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush, who gained
invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit to the Baghdad Airport's
terminal and gift shop. Sources in Baghdad and Falluja say Mr. Bush would
receive a warm reception from local Iraqis. They have asked to be provided
with details of his arrival so that they might arrange an appropriate
welcome. Congress continues to explore other outsourcing possibilities
including that of Vice president and most Cabinet positions.

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Quote of the Week:

  "It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop."

        - Confucius


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[ End Fri humour ]
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