Friday humour - January 13, 2006

     From Davo at bluehaze:

G'day

We're a bit light on for pics this week.  It's holiday time in the
southern hemisphere and most downunder are out catching some sun.  So to
those upover sheltering from the elements please send in some stuff to:
fridayhumour~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au

Come on.  Send something now before you get sidetracked.  Particularly
those who read but never contribute.  You know who you are.  Anonymity is
guaranteed and pseudonyms are preferred.  Here's your chance to be any
person you want to be ... even the Queen of Sheba.

Please also send your favourite webcams of where you live.  We may do a
feature on them if the pic shortage continues.

Melbourne is hosting the Commonwealth Games in 61 days time.  This event
may go unreported in the USA - even the Canadian media initially wouldn't
pay for the TV rights preferring ice hockey - but it's bigger than Ben Hur
here in Oz.  Why not come and pay us a visit?  Checkout the website.

           Click here

Tony's down at Phillip Island with the little gay penguins.  It's a must
day-tour for anyone visiting Melbourne town: Click here

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First up from Marc from Mekolec (via Fosters John)

                            Cricket's Greatest Sledges...

1 Rod Marsh & Ian Botham: When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh
welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: "So how's your wife &
my kids?"

2. Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne: As Cullinan was on his way to the
wicket, Warne told him he had been waiting 2 years for another chance to
humiliate him. "Looks like you spent it eating," Cullinan retorted.

3. Glenn McGrath (bowling to portly Zimbabwean chicken farmer Eddo
Brandes): "Hey Eddo, why are you so Fat?" Eddo Brandes: "Because everytime
I bang your wife, she throws me a biscuit"

4. Robin Smith & Merv Hughes: During 1989 Lords Test Hughes said to Smith
after he played & missed:"You can't fucking bat". Smith to Hughes after he
smacked him to the boundary: "Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't
fucking bat & you can't fucking bowl."

5. Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad: During 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called
Merv a fat bus conductor. A few balls later Merv dismissed Javed: "Tickets
please", Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman.

6. Merv Hughes & Viv Richards: During a test match in the West Indies,
Hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after
deliveries. "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me. In
my culture we just bowl." Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he
announced to the batsman: "In my culture we just say fuck off."

7. And of course you can't forget Ian Healy's legendary comment which was
picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called for a
runner on a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney... "You
don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat cunt!"

8. James Ormond had just come out to bat on an ashes tour and was greeted
by Mark Waugh....... MW : "Fuck me, look who it is. Mate, what are you
doing out here, there's no way you're good enough to play for England" JO
: "Maybe not, but at least I'm the best player in my family"

9. McGrath to Ramnaresh Sarwan: "So what does Brian Lara's dick taste
like?" Sarwan: "I don't know. Ask your wife." McGrath (losing it): "If you
ever fucking mention my wife again, I'll fucking rip your fucking throat
out."

10. Mark Waugh standing at second slip, the new player (Adam Parore) comes
to the crease playing & missing the first ball. Mark "Ohh, I remember you
from a couple years ago in Australia. You were shit then, you're fucking
useless now". Parore- (Turning around) "Yeah, that's me & when I was there
you were going out with that old, ugly slut and now I hear you've married
her. You dumb cunt".

11. Yet another Australian witticism with this time porky Sri Lankan
batsman Arjuna Ranatunga the victim. Shane Warne, trying to tempt the
batsman out of his crease mused what it took to get the plump character to
get out of his crease and drive. Wicketkeeper Ian Healy piped up, "Put a
Mars Bar on a good length. That should do it."

12. Malcolm Marshall was bowling to David Boon who had played and missed a
couple of times. Marshall : "Now David, Are you going to get out now or am
I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?"

13. Fred Trueman bowling. The batsman edges and the ball goes to first
slip, and right between Raman Subba Row's legs. Fred doesn't say a word.
At the end of the over, Row ambles past Trueman and apologises sheepishly.
"I should've kept my legs together, Fred". "So should your mother" he
replied.



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This stuff came in from Sue (other half of Bernie)

                                        Warnings

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sear's hairdryer---Do not use while sleeping.
(darn, and that the only time I have to do my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos---You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside. (the shoplifter special)

On a bar of Dial soap---"Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that
would be how???...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners---"Servings suggestions: Defrost!" (but
it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom)---Do Not turn upside
down." (well,... duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding---"Product will be hot after heating."
(.... and you thought????..)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron---"Do Not iron clothes on body." (but
wouldn't that save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine---"Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the
rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with
head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid---"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
( and... I'm taking this because???"

On most brands of Christmas lights---"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to.... what?)

On Sainsbury's peanuts---"Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On a child's superman costume---"Wearing this garment does not enable you
" to fly." (I don't blame the company - I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw---"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
genitals." (Oh my gosh... was there a lot of this happening somewhere?")



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                                     Little Old Lady

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage
bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and
every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can
still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?"
" Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the
parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of
fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each
time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or
off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's
in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....



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                                       One Liners

And a few more one liners to add to Marc's list from last week.

1. Two cows standing next to each other in a field; Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said
Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

2. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.

3. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

4. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

5. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."

6. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

7. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

8. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent



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Stonefish came up with this one

                               Chinese in 5 minutes

Are you harboring a fugitive? -- Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me A. S. A. P. -- Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man -- Dum Gai

Small Horse -- Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach? -- Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table. -- Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a facelift. -- Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here. -- Wai So Dim?

Has your flight been delayed? -- Hao Long Wei Ting?

That was an unauthorized execution. -- Lin Ching

I thought you were on a diet. -- Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone. -- No Pah King

Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? -- WaiYu Sing Dum Song?

You are not very bright. -- Yu So Dum

I got this for free. -- Ai No Pei

I am not guilty. -- Wai Hang Mi?

Please, stay a while longer. -- Wai Go Nao?

Our meeting was scheduled for next week. -- Wai Yu Kum Nao?

They have arrived. -- Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight. -- Lei Lo



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Here's some stuff from John over at the brewery

                                      New etiquette

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years
before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked
about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked
several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an
explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women
here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"



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                                      Arvo passion

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day their
passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made
passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from wild sex they fell asleep,
awakening around 8 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman
to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove
home.

"Where have you been" demanded his wife when he entered the home.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary
and we've been having sx all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up
until eight o'clock.

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said

"You lying bastard! You have been playing golf! "



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                                        Dickbrain

One day God came to Adam to pass on some news.

"I've got some good news and some bad news," God said.

Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."

Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a
brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and
have intelligent conversations with Eve."

"The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to
reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve
will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to
me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow,

"I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."



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This came from Vinae in Oregon

                                     American Politics

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains for some
sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Popemobile when
there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless
Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" / "Bush Lied"
T-shirt and a tree hugger hat, was screaming while struggling frantically,
thrashing around trying to free himself from the jaws of a 10foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing
up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two
reached up and pulled the bleeding semiconscious Democrat from the bear's
grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and
two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly
placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give
you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was
a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental
activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that
guy?"

"It was the Pope", another replied, "He's in direct contact with God and
has access to all God's wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "He may have access to all God's wisdom but he
sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait
holding up, or do we need to go back to town and snatch another one?"



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This came from Smithy of Nottingham

      Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio

Michael Burke on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They
seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his
shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson
lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny,
other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World
Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he
wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on
This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed
last night."

'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's
formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he
sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil,
tell us about your amazing third leg."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire
match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he
just tossed it off."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's
nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What
does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today
after a 69."

The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath
away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big
race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about
coming from different positions."

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live
said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and
didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight
inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing
so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and
kisses them ... Oh my god! What have I just said?!"

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven
Dicks on the field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that
nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford
crew."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I
once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"



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Minnesota Scott sent this catty stuff  in

                                Cat Commandments

Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is using the
computer.

Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.

Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.

Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are not
transparent.

Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.

Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.

Fast as thou art, thou cannot run through closed doors.

Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's lap.

Thou shalt not climb on garbage cans with hinged lids, as thou wilt fall
in and trap thyself.

Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.

Thou shalt not jump onto a seat just as thy human is sitting down.

Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at
any opportunity.

Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.

Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy
house.

Thou shalt remember that thou art a carnivore and that houseplants are not
meat.

Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.



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                          FELINE PHYSICS OR CAT LAWS

LAW OF CAT INERTIA: A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless
acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a
nearby scurrying mouse.

LAW OF CAT MOTION: A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a
really good reason to change direction.

LAW OF CAT THERMODYNAMICS: Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body,
except in the case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat.

FIRST LAW OF CAT ENERGY CONSERVATION: Cats know that energy can neither be
created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as
possible.

LAW OF BAG/BOX OCCUPANCY: All bags and boxes in a given room must contain
a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

LAW OF FURNITURE REPLACEMENT: A cat's desire to scratch furniture is
directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

LAW OF PILL REJECTION: Any pill given to a cat has potential energy to
reach escape velocity.

LAW OF CAT COMPOSITION: A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-matter + It
Doesn't Matter.

LAW OF SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM: Given enough time, a cat will land in just
about any space.

LAW OF CAT OBEDIENCE: As yet undiscovered.

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This weeks frugal collection of pics are from Whizzbang Pooley, Burnout,
Tubs, Stonefish, Yvonne from Telstra, and the Deviants from Perth.  Send
yours now to fridayhumour~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au

   From Chris (SOB) in Scotland:

"Here is Osiris the new kitten "reading" my email. This is a genuine shot,
its not been doctored. I was sat at the keyboard with the cat in my lap.
He decided I wasn't giving him enough attention, so he would investigate
what was taking that attention." Click here

  From Tubs:
"Hi Guys,
Been enjoying the Friday Funnies for a while now  love your work. Dont
know if youve seen this one before but my daughter sent it to me and I
thought it wasnt bad.
   Cheers and HNY, Tubs in Melbourne"
Don't touch my bone: Click here

Why men hide the remote: Click here

Trouser snake Click here

Windows - Really good edition: Click here

Wrong bank Click here

Your calendar has arrived: Click here

Good friends [WARNING - XXXX] Click here

Champion drinker Click here

Chopper Airlines Click here

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   Here's a Q&A session from Burnout

                                   F A Q

Q: What's the difference between a 'Spice Girls' video and a porn video?
A: The porn video has better music!

Q: What's the bad news about being a test tube baby?
A: You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a flea?
A: An itchy cock.

Q: Why did the gay guy think his lover was cheating on him?
A: He came home shit faced.

Q: Did you hear about the two gay guys that had an argument in the bar?
A: They went outside to exchange blows.

Q: Why did God invent yeast infection?
A: So women know what it feels like to live with an annoying cunt.

Q: What's the definition of eternity?
A: The time between when you cum and she leaves.

Q: What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhoea?
A: A salad shooter

Q: How do you know when a male porn star is at the gas station?
A: Right before the gas stops pumping he pulls out the nozzle and sprays
it all over the car.

Q: What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
A: I can't see a thing with all this shit in here!

Q: What's brown and sits on a piano bench?
A: Beethoven's First Movement.

Q: What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman?
A: You can drop her off anywhere.

Q: What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
A: Outlaws are wanted.

Q: Where does virgin wool come from?
A: Ugly sheep.

Q: How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
A: It isn't hard.

Q: What does the bride of a Polish man get that's long and hard on her
wedding night?
A: His last name.

Q: What's the down side to a threesome?
A: You'll likely disappoint two women instead of just one.

Q: How do you know you're really ugly?
A: Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.

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Allnutts at Highett sent these across

                                    TOILET TALK

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall
saying:

"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't
know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just
fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too
bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear
another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be
polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........ I'm a little busy
right now!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back.
There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my
questions!"



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                               CORPORATE LESSON 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel,"

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit
and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to
prevent avoidable exposure.

                                CORPORATE LESSON 2

A priest offered a lift to a Nun.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he
stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand.

But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.

It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity.

                                CORPORATE LESSON 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk.

"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the
world." Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas
and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

                                CORPORATE LESSON 4:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.

A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very high up.

                                CORPORATE LESSON 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the
turkey, but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're
packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of
the tree.

Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullsht might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there ...



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Kai from the US sent this in

                           TOP TEN CHUCK NORRIS FACTS

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. But he is so badass, he has never cried.
Ever.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability
of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris doesnt wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the
man ate a fucking Indian.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it
notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in
the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.



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   Finally one from the UK Bookends at Castle Hill Books

                              THE 2005 STELLA AWARDS

It's time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella Awards."
The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled
hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's (in NM). That case
inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful
lawsuits in the United States.

Here are this year's winners:

5th Place (tie):

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her
peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running
inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably
surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was
Ms. Robertson's son.

5th Place (tie):

19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses
when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman
apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he
was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

5th Place (tie): Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a
house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able
to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was
malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting
the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on
vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight
days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog
food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him
undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500
and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door
neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.
The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have
been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed
over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet
gun.

3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of
Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and
broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms.
Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an
argument.

2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner
of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom
window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred
while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room
to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental
expenses.

1st Place: This year's run away winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma
City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago
motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having
driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly
left the drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not
surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs.
Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that
she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new
motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of
this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.

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QUOTE OF THE WEEK:

 "Those who have committed horrific crimes in Guantanamo, Abu
  Ghraib, and other secret prisons in Europe, those who have always
  humiliated the Iraqi and Palestinian nations, and those who have
  trained some terrorist groups which consider it permissible in the
  name of Islam to shed the blood of Muslims in Iraq and Afghanistan
  have no right to talk about human rights."

                                 The Tehran Times, 10 January 2006

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