Friday humour - January 06, 2006

     From Davo at bluehaze:

   G'day,

Welcome to our sedition-free FH summer editions.  Things in Oz slow down
a bit at this time of the year so the next few issues may be a bit sparse.
Keep sending your stuff.  FH can only be as good as the contributions that
trickle in.

We had our hottest New Years Eve ever.  Soaring temperatures reaching 43
degrees Centigrade.  That's over 109 on the old scale!

In response to last week's jokette, we got this horny response from a
befuddled reader ...

      Dear Sir,

  I wish to register my strongest objection to the email I just received -
  to quote:

  "Friday Humour will return in 2006 in its new totally sanitised sedition-free
  format."

  It is precisely because Friday Humour contains seditious gossip-laden
  material that we, at Homeland Security, are so interested in it. Should
  you take the steps indicated in your email, then we will have no choice
  but to cancel our subscription and return to our more usual sources,
  such as the News of The World...

    Yours grumpily,

      Fillip Wruddokk

Indeed, we trust this reader doesn't cancel his subscription, as FH is a no
spin zone.  Nothing gets thrown overboard at Bluehaze Enterprises - not even
the tea lady.

This IQ test was sent in by Pooley.  Give it a go ... Click here

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   Stonefish can start us off ...

                                ANOTHER IRISH JOKE

There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. to be shot

2. to be hung

3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." (Boom, he was dead
instantly).

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.)

Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."

They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards
looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the
guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and
he doubled over.

Finally the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid ... I'm wearing a condom!"

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   These (passed on by John) from Sarge and Hugh over at the Fosters
   factory

                                TIGHT FIT

As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle,
she found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to borrow her
sister's, which were a bit on the small side.

When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla
retired to their room, right next door to the Queen's and Prince
Phillip's. As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room,
Camilla flopped on the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes
off. My feet are killing me".

The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigour,
but it was stuck fast.

"Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!"

"I'm trying, darling!" The Prince yelled back. "It's just so bloody
tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!"

There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed,
"There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SOOO good!"

In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said,
"See? I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin."

Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe.
Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to the
throne.

At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said, "That's my boy.
Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"

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  Another from Sarge

                 HOW D-DAY WOULD BE REPORTED BY TODAY'S PRESS

NORMANDY, FRANCE (June 6, 1944) Three hundred French civilians were killed and
thousands more were wounded today in the first hours of America's invasion of
continental Europe. Casualties were heaviest among women and children. Most
of the French casualties were the result of artillery fire from American ships
attempting to knock out German fortifications prior to the landing of hundreds
of thousands of U. S.  troops. Reports from a makeshift hospital in the French
town of St. Mere Eglise said the carnage was far worse than the French had
anticipated, and that reaction against the American invasion was running high.

"We are dying for no reason" said a Frenchman speaking on condition of
anonymity. "Americans can't even shoot straight. I never thought I'd say this,
but life was better under Adolph Hitler."

The invasion also caused severe environmental damage. American troops, tanks,
trucks and machinery destroyed miles of pristine shoreline and thousands of
acres of ecologically sensitive wetlands. It was believed that the habitat
of the spineless French crab was completely wiped out, thus threatening the
species with extinction. A representative of Greenpeace said his organization,
which had tried to stall the invasion for over a year, was appalled at the
destruction, but not surprised.

"This is just another example of how the military destroys the environment
without a second thought," said Christine Moanmore. "And it's all about
corporate greed."

Contacted at his Manhattan condo, a member of the French government-in-exile
who abandoned Paris when Hitler invaded said the invasion was based solely
on American financial interests. "Everyone knows that President Roosevelt
has ties to 'big beer'," said Pierre LeWimp. "Once the German beer industry
is conquered, Roosevelt's beer cronies will control the world market and
make a fortune."

Administration supporters said America's aggressive actions were based in
part on the assertions of controversial scientist Albert Einstein, who sent
a letter to Roosevelt speculating that the Germans were developing a secret
weapon. . . . a so-called "atomic bomb". Such a weapon could produce casualties
on a scale never seen before, and cause environmental damage that could
last for thousands of years. Hitler has denied having such a weapon of mass
destruction and international inspectors were unable to locate such weapons
even after spending two long weekends in Germany during the Oktoberfest.

Shortly after the invasion began, reports surfaced that German prisoners
had been abused by American soldiers. Mistreatment of Jews by Germans at
their so-called "concentration camps" has been rumored, but so far this
remains unproven.

Several thousand Americans died during the first hours of the invasion,
and French officials are concerned that the uncollected corpses will pose a
public-health risk. "The Americans should have planned for this in advance,"
they said. "It's their mess, and we don't intend to help clean it up."

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   This from Moonboot

                             THE MAN AND THE OSTRICH

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The
waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and
a coke", and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" she asks the bird.
"I'll have the same", says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40
please", and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change
for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come in again and the man says,
"A hamburger, fries, and a coke". The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This
becomes routine until, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, I'll have a steak, baked potato, and
salad," says the man. "Same", says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings
the order and says, "That will be $32.62". Once again the man pulls the exact
change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold
back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always
come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well", says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found
an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My
first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I'd just put my hand
in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million
dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long
as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,
the exact money is always there", says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses,
and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long
legs who agrees with everything I say."

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   This came from Eric's treetop

                             GEORGE AND MILDRED

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals,
kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but
feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however,
when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw
his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She
emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there
would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and
walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's
house... walked home.... and left it there all night.

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   This weeks pics are from Davee, Eric's Treetop, Digi Maria, Burnout,
   Muse, Pooley, Stonefish, Cartographer Chris, Allnutts, and Golding
   Tanberg and Petty from The Age ...

Mother of the Month: Click here

New range speedo Click here

I'm dreaming ... Click here

Disco mamma Click here

The future of Cronulla Beach: Click here

World's happiest couple: Click here

In the news: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Toyota Trampa (M$ WMV movie clip) Click here

Controlled driving (M$ WMV movie clip) Click here

Blue Santa song (MP3 audio clip): Click here

To the New Year (M$ Powerpoint): Click here

Christmas cops (M$ WMV movie clip) Click here

Over-reaction (M$ WMV movie clip) Click here

Vendettas (MPEG movie clips): Click here Click here

Pop goes the weasel (MPEG movie clips): Click here

Kiwi brewery (M$ WMV movie clip) Click here

The all new Body Bouncer (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here

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   A recycled one and a new one from UK Smithy

                                      G & B

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition for each is listed below

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are
you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass
and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

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                             EUROPEAN SECURITY ALERT

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have
raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security
levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners
have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies
all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a
"Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance"
warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are
"Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire
that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the
country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of
alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly"
to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective
Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels:
"Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat
they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

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   This came from Allnutts at Highett

                            A FEW OF MARC'S ONE LINERS

1. Phone answering machine message "... If you want to buy marijuana ...
press the hash key..."

2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can  clearly see you're nuts."

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the  other day ... but I couldn't
find any.

4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't
reach the meat off the top shelf.  He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in..

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor,
doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've
cut your arms off".

7. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it
sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds
like Tom Jones syndrome". "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look
at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?
Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

14. Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom, boom!

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? ....... A fsh.

16. I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me
a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!"

17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in
my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older
brother Colin. Or my younger brother Wing Chow. But I think it's Colin ....

18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round!" The other
one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So,
that was nice."

21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places" The doctor said, "Well, don't go there any more"

22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb
as digging continues into the night.

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  Finally, as we're a bit light on this week I delved back to one of my
  first issues in 1999 ... and found this raunchy original version of
  Moonboot's joke above.  It would seem that in the last six years this
  joke has been sanitised.  A worrying trend ...  Here's the original.

                       THE MAN, THE CAT, AND THE OSTRICH

A man walks up to the bar, with a big ostrich behind him, and as he stops
at the bar, a small cat jumps up onto the bar stool next to him.  The barman
comes over, regards the three rather curiously, and asks "What'll it be?".

To which the man replies "Well, I'll have a pint," and turning to the ostrich,
"what do you want?"

"I'll have a pint as well," replies the ostrich.

The man looks down at the cat and says "I suppose you want a drink too?"

To which the cat replies, "I'll have a half, but I ain't fuckin' paying!"

The barman pulls two and a half pints and says "That'll be three pounds forty
please". To the barman's surprise the man puts his hand in his pocket, feels
around, and pulls out exactly 3.40 in loose change, which he puts on the bar.

A while later the same thing happens. The man, the ostrich and the small
cat come back to the bar. "I'll have pint" says the man.

"I'll have a pint," says the ostrich.

"And I'll have a half, but I ain't fuckin paying," says the cat.

"That'll be three pounds forty" says the barman, and again the man puts his
hand in his pocket, feels around and pulls out exactly 3.40.

This goes on several times, much to the bemusement of the barman.  Finally,
as last orders are rung, the man the ostrich and the cat come back to the bar.

"Well" says the man "it's last orders, I think I'll have a large scotch",
and turning to the ostrich "what do you want?"

"I'll have a large scotch as well" replies the ostrich.

Turning to the small cat on the stool next to him, the man says "and I
suppose you want something as well?"

"I'll have a small scotch" says the cat, "but I ain't fuckin' payin'."

The barman rings up the drinks in the till, and says to the man, with a sly
grin on his face, that'll be seven pounds twenty please" To his amazement
and disbelief the man puts his hand in his pocket, feels about and pulls out
exactly 7.20 in loose change. As the three finish their drinks and are about
to leave, the barman cannot contain his curiosity no longer. "Excuse me sir,
but before you leave there is something I must know..... how do you always
manage to come up with the exact change from your pocket, every time?"

"Well" says the man, "it's a long story, but basically several years ago I
looked after an old lady who was well into her nineties, and when she died
she left me her old house, nothing special, but when I was clearing out the
attic I found an old lamp, and when I rubbed the lamp a genie appeared and
offered me two wishes."

"Well that's fantastic" says the barman, "what did you wish for?"

"Well," says the man, "if I ever need to pay for anything I just put my hand
in my pocket, and the right money will always be there."

"That's brilliant" says the barman, "most people would just ask for a million
pounds or something, but you will always be as rich as you want for as long
as you want."

"Oh yes" says the man, "its the greatest thing I ever did. If I want to buy a
pint of milk the money will always be there. If I want to buy a Rolls Royce
the exact money will be there too!"

As the man turns to go, the barman calls him back and says "one last thing
sir, your friends... we don't get many cats or ostriches drinking in here."

To which the man looks glum and replies "well, that was probably the worst
thing I ever did... you see I had two wishes, and on my second wish I asked
for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy."

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Extended Quote of the Week:

  "We live in a politically spin-driven world where destroying the air,
  water, and soil is environmental protection, torture is justifiable,
  and tax cuts for the rich are paid for by cutting food stamps and medical
  care for the poor. Lying about sex in the White House is impeachable while
  killing 100,000 Iraqis induces national pride.  Abortion and birth control
  are sinful, while electrocution and lethal injection are a public duty.

  Politics in America will continue unchanged as long as Americans are
  happy and can afford to keep their heads buried in the sand.  They have
  their credit cards and home equity loans, their Explorers, Expeditions,
  and Volvos, wide-screen TVs, Mexicans to do their stoop labor, and malls
  where they can escape into a virtual fantasyland. When they have all this,
  who needs a future?"

      From an opinion piece called "America's coming year" By Don Monkerud
      Published in The Tehran Times - Click here

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[ End Fri humour ]
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