Friday humour - December 23, 2005
From Tony at Bluehaze:
And gidday,
This may be the final FH for 2005 - Davo's already on hols (which is
why I'm doing FH this week) and I'm not sure what I'll be doing at
this time next week. Hopefully not at the FH editorial desk though!
Still can't quite come to grips with the racial riots in Sydney - it
almost seems like a bit of a throwback to the racial 1950s. And it
does seem obvious that the problems are at least partially caused by
ghettos of orthodox Lebanese families who insist on maintaining their
beliefs and cultural attitudes to the point where their children go and
sit on our beaches and sneer at non-orthodox-Lebanese girls who happen
to be dressed in very skimpy bikinis whilst getting themselves a nice
suntan. And that degree of intolerance isn't good. Of course, these
things always sort themselves out after one or two generations (as in -
time heals all) because the kids inevitably look at each other across
the race boundaries and think "Wow - what a babe!" and ask each other
out and get intimate and get married.
And so eventually, the so-called cultural 'norms' of the parents born
outside of Oz are subsumed and swept aside. Or in a word - integration.
It's inevitable, and anyone who thinks otherwise should stay at home in
their own country. We do welcome all immigrants, but we do need to meet
halfway. In fact, it's this very "compromise" that enriches and
strengthens this country and makes for the fantastic and exciting
multi-culturalism that we now enjoy. It even makes sense biologically,
reducing the probability of accidently marrying your own half-cousin
three times removed. And of course (more trivially), immigrants bring
new music, art, culture and often great restaurants too. So it's not
only their beautiful girls that we should appreciate :-) So come on,
guys, give these people a break - don't blame them just because their
parents are stuck like concrete in the old ways. Appreciate the good
side of it all and the benefits they bring, and try to turn a blind eye
to the odd hiccup. It really doesn't matter in the long haul ... there
are bigger fish to fry.
--------------------------
First up in the humour department this week, it's a Christmas poem
from the ubiquitous Moonboot ...
THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS
Twas the day after Christmas
and all through the house
Every creature was hurting'
even the mouse.
The toys were all broken
their batteries dead
Santa passed out,
with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor
while Upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans
I went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash
tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears
Here's Robinson's, Levitz's and Target's and Mervyn's.
To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall,
Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!"
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer
"Enjoy what you bought ... you'll be paying all year!"
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And from John K over at a very busy CUB:
A CROOK RACE
Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field.
Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.
He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead,
only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as
he went over the last fence.With great skill he managed to steer the horse
to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on
the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding Thus distracted,
he succeeded in coming only second.
He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously
hampered.
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This next one's not a joke but a couple of interesting links as passed
on by our librarian, Jill ...
LINKS - NAMES AND PHRASES
1. Need a name for a new baby ... or a new puppy? Behind the Name: The
Etymology and History of First Names will give you all the information
you need: Click here
2. Do you get frustrated when you can't remember a certain phrase or word?
The OneLook Reverse Dictionary website can help people confounded by this
situation. You can type a concept into the search engine and receive a list
of words and phrases related to that concept. For example, typing in "joy from
the pain of others" returns over one hundred results, including "schadenfreude"
and "regret". There's also the ability to explore related concepts or to
answer basic identification questions. If inclined, users may also use the
database to solve crossword puzzle clues.
Reverse dictionary: Click here
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And Jeff Armstrong writes "Dear Bluehaze Friends, This text appears
to come from a new translation of The Old Testament" Hmmmm ... okay,
it must have been in the scrolls then ...
CREATION OF THE COMPUTER WORLD
In the beginning, God created the Bit and the Byte.
And from those he created the Word.
And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed.
And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.
And God said Let the Data be; And so it happened.
And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places.
And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.
And God said Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy
disks and hard disks and compact disks.
Thus God created computers and called them hardware.
And there was no Software yet.
But God created programs; small and big...
And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.
And God said I will create the Programmer;
And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and
programs and Data.
And God created the Programmer; and put him at the Data Center;
And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said "You can use all
the volumes and subvolumes but do not use Windows."
And God said "It is not good for the programmer to be alone."
He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would
look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things
the Programmer does;
And God called the creature: the User.
And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.
But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God.
And Bill said to the User - "Did God really tell you not to run any programs?"
And the User answered God told us that we can use every program and every
piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.
And Bill said to the User - "How can you talk about something you did not
even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will
be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse."
And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use.
And the User saw that any knowledge was useless since Windows could replace it.
So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer
that it was good.
And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers.
And God asked him - "What are you looking for?"
And the Programmer answered "I am looking for new drivers because I can not
find them in the DOS."
And God said - "Who told you need drivers? Did you run Windows?"
And the Programmer said - "It was Bill who told us to!"
And God said to Bill "Because of what you did, you will be hated by all
the creatures."
And the User will always be unhappy with you.
And you will always sell Windows.
And God said to the User - "Because of what you did, the Windows will
disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy
programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help."
And God said to the Programmer - "Because you listened to the User, you will
never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix
them and fix them to the end of time."
And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and
secured it with a password.
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This one was passed on by Jesse Abalone ...
MAN DATES GAL ON INTERNET FOR SIX MONTHS - TURNS OUT SHE'S HIS MOTHER
Friday December 9, 2005
By Grace Green
MARSEILLES, France -- Skirt-chasing playboy Daniel Anceneaux spent weeks
talking with a sensual woman on the Internet before arranging a romantic
rendezvous at a remote beach -- and discovering that his on-line sweetie of
six months was his own mother!
"I walked out on that dark beach thinking I was going to hook up with the
girl of my dreams," the rattled bachelor later admitted. "And there she was,
wearing white shorts and a pink tank top, just like she'd said she would.
"But when I got close, she turned around -- and we both got the shock
of our lives. I mean, I didn't know what to say. All I could think was,
'Oh my God! it's Mama!' "
But the worst was yet to come. Just as the mortified mother and son realized
the error of their ways, a patrolman passed by and cited them for visiting
a restricted beach after dark.
"Danny and I were so flustered, we blurted out the whole story to the cop,"
recalled matronly mom Nicole, 52. "The policeman wrote a report, a local TV
station got hold of it -- and the next thing we knew, our picture and our
story was all over the 6 o'clock news. "People started pointing and laughing
at us on the street -- and they haven't stopped laughing since."
The girl-crazy X-ray technician said he began flirting with normally
straitlaced Nicole -- who lives six miles away in a Marseilles suburb -- while
scouring the Internet for young ladies to put a little pizzazz in his life.
"Mom called herself Sweet Juliette and I called myself The Prince of Pleasure,
and unfortunately, neither one of us had any idea who the other was," said
flabbergasted Daniel.
"The conversations even got a little racy a couple of times.
"But I really started to fall for her, because there seemed to be a sensitive
side that you don't see in many girls.
"She sent me poems she had written and told me about her dreams and desires,
and it was really very romantic.
"The truth is, I got to see a side of my mom I'd never seen before. I'm
grateful for that."
When starry-eyed Daniel asked Sweet Juliette to send him a picture, Nicole
e-mailed him a photo of a curvy, half-clad cutie she'd scanned from a men's
magazine.
"The girl in the picture was so beautiful, I begged Juliette to meet me
on the beach -- and Mom said yes," he recalled. "Mom says she was falling
for me, too, and she just wanted to meet me, even though she knew I'd be
disappointed when I saw her.
"As for me, I figured I was going to find the girl of my dreams.
"I guess that's about as wrong as I've ever been."
Daniel admits he and his mother could do little but stammer and stutter around
each other for days after their cyberspace exploits came to light. And his
father Paul -- Nicole's husband of 27 years -- wasn't too happy when the story
hit the news and his beer-drinking buddies made him the butt of their jokes.
"Dad was ticked for a while and he forbid Mum to talk to anybody on the
Internet ever again," said embarrassed Daniel.
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And just before we hit the pics - something from Digi Maria:
--------------------------
BLONDE JOKE
A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her
mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any
money, but I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "ANYthing?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next
room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
"Come in and close the door" the man said. She did.
He then said "Now get on your knees." She did.
"Now take down my zipper." She did.
"Now go ahead ... take it out ..." He said. She reached in and grabbed it
with both hands, then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well ... go ahead."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close
to her lips, tentatively said ....
"Hello? Mum ... can you hear me?"
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Okay - to the pics now, and first up, it's one from Ron:
TRUE LEGAL DILEMMA - DRIVING TEST QUESTION
You are driving along a two lane road with a NO PASSING sign posted, and
come upon a bicycle rider. Do you follow this slow-moving bicycle rider for
the next 2 miles, or do you break the law and pass?
Q: Which is the correct choice?
A: Why take unnecessary risks? Click here
Click on the link and use your arrow keys to get Santa drunk. Don't touch
the train track! Click here
A condom frock for New Year's Eve: Click here
--------------------------
Aaron the ghostrider writes "Hi, I thought you might want to check
out the newest Crazy Pay-Phone 2.0 This phone has new numbers to call
plus hidden buttons to two hidden pay-phones: Click here
--------------------------
Ian Watson passed this on some months back - another Bozzetto SWF
classic:
Female vs Male: Click here
--------------------------
And from Canuckchuck in Vancouver, it's ...
SNOWFLAKES AND CHEERIOS
Here we've had an early blanket of snow, although it has now disappeared -
unfortunately. Snow certainly makes things more Christmassy. Then again,
for those of you who likely don a lather of sunscreen and nose zinc year
round, well I suppose that's a bit of a stretch! You might be humoured to
know that Christmas just wouldn't be Christmas - yes I know, that's such a
politically uncorrect word; it's hard to believe - without your Rolf Harris
waxing on about how Santa can't stand the heat...and thus employing Six
White Boomers! Ha! Ha! Racing Santa Claus through the blazing sun... :-)
Please find attached a clip sent to me recently by my uncle. It's a tad
conspiracy theory, but interesting nonetheless. I know not of the producers
of the clip. Note: not a humourous clip: Click here
--------------------------
Burnout sent this lot over ...
Christmas lights: Click here
Today is the day! Click here
--------------------------
And from Eric in his tree in South Africa ...
Green power: Click here
--------------------------
Trina sent this one ...
Seven wonders: Click here
--------------------------
And from Tina and the pups this week, we have these:
Good answer: Click here
Best pictures of the year (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
Crazy cop (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here
Earth photo (M$ Powerpoint) - mostly repeats, but great: Click here
Wahhh ... Click here
--------------------------
Dermot passed this Christmas one on for your amusement ...
Baby: Click here
--------------------------
And Rudolph over in VK6 (WA to the peasants) forwarded this:
Pot smokers: Click here
--------------------------
Maayan and Maddus Mickus (Capetown and East Cheam) both sent this:
One drink only at this year's Christmas party: Click here
--------------------------
And Maayan sent these:
Another remote: Click here
Chinese horoscope (M$ Word doc): Click here
--------------------------
JnR passed these shots on ... it's a moose ... and a car. The
woman driver walked away with only scratches:
Moose vs car: Click here Click here Click here Click here
--------------------------
And from Ron, Allnuts, and from "Lights, Action" Len:
Christmas greetings! (slightly X-rated): Click here
--------------------------
Maddus Mickus just posted this one over ...
More safety issues: Click here
--------------------------
And Kate (a friend of mine), some of her sketches ... they're not
humourous, just interesting. Kate would like to do some web-page
design (she can design stuff for me anytime):
Some sketches by Kate: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
--------------------------
AUDIO BITES
The weekend listening now, and first up, it's the history of Google
(and various other things). You can load the MP3 for this one direct
from the ABC podcast link ... Googlemania (MP3): Click here
or if that goes off, try the bluehaze MP3 here: Click here
And the story of a most interesting Australian entrepeneur, Gordon
Barton - who started the Ipec empire and the Australia Party, amongst
other things ... also from RN:
Gordon Barton - one amazing Oz guy (MP3): Click here
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JJ sent some Vin Diesel quotes as a followup on those Chuck Norris
ones we had last week. He writes "I see I got a mention - I'm
flattered. East coast Boston area though, not West. Here's the
Vin Diesel version of that Chuck Norris list" ...
FUN FACTS ABOUT VIN DIESEL
* During a stay at Neverland Ranch in the 80's, Vin Diesel was awoken
by Michael Jackson who was trying to sneak into his bed. Vin punched
Jackson so hard that he knocked the black right off of him.
* Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant; he just refuses to put up with
lactose's shit.
* It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make
him destroy an orphanage.
* Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
* Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his
Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his
"Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.
* In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could
use to kill you, including the room itself.
* There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. Fuck you,
team.
* If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I
End Lives."
* Magnetic compasses do not point toward true North; They point in the
direction of Vin Diesel. He just likes to sit on a lawn chair and
shout, "Jackets are for pussies!" at the Arctic researchers.
* There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel
allows to live.
* When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and
instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
* Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time.
He found himself stumped on the last page of "Where's Waldo Now?",
not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He
threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT! They're all
wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I
CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to
a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin
ate him for good measure. The incident has since been referred to as
Christmas.
* Vin Diesel can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
* Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of
tennis.
* Vin Diesel has two speeds: Walk and kill.
* When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The
water gets Vin instead.
* Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
* When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "holy crap! That's Vin
Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the
third girl he had slept with.
* If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later
you would have the greatest album ever. It would sweep the
Grammys. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied,
"because Grammys are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show
the seriousness of his response.
* Vin Diesel played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
* Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's mother. He then wore her
carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local
children's hospital.
* Vin Diesel coined the phrase, "I could eat a horse," after he ate
every last unicorn in existence.
* In fine print at on the last page of the Guinness Book of World
Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and
those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come
to matching him.
* Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There
were no survivors.
* On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be
thrown into the sun.
* Vin Diesel can divide by zero.
* Vin Diesel's hair is too afraid of him to grow.
* You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely
of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.
* When Vin Diesel does a push-up, he isn't lifting himself up; He's
pushing the Earth down.
* Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn
needs to lie the fuck down.
* The main export of Vin Diesel is pain.
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And from Burnout, the penultimate contribution ...
SILLY BOY
A man gets up one morning to find his wife already in the kitchen cooking.
He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the
frying pan.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very
drunk," she replies.
Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself: "Funny ... I
don't remember asking her to cook my sock."
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Finally for this week, it's another one from Moonboot. And if you
want the nice Christmas music to go with this story - Click here
"CHET", THE CHRISTMAS CAROL PARROT
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an
unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named
Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect
gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply
hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began
to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another
match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air
was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as
quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she
was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied,
"But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter
and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him,
and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the
lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the
lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered,
eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet
twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly
like it was the performance of his life ...
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire ..."
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[ End Friday humour ]
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