Friday humour - December 16, 2005

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

      Almost the time of good barbeques (in Oz), or for some of you guys
      on the other side of the equator ... for sliding down mounds of snow?
      Either way, lots of nice company, and maybe even a few drinks and the
      odd cuddle or a slap on the back - whatever.

      For those of you who may be feeling a bit depressed, for whatever reason,
      hey - don't be!  Make someone else happy if you can, even if it's no more
      than telling someone a funny joke, or even something funny you did once.
      Or go and be friendly and chatty with an old person.  Or, maybe even
      just start off by taking your dog for a nice walk somewhere ... in a nice
      leafy park if you can.  Just seeing the happy look on your dog's face
      and tail will make you feel better.  Unfortunately, this doesn't seem
      to work with cats ... ever tried to take one for a walk?  I did once,
      on a piece of string - she got really pi___d off, we didn't even make it
      past the front gate.  No fun, cats - they won't even sit in the wheel-
      barrow while you whizz them around the backyard.  I wonder if many kids
      still do those sorts of things now ... making a bit of a roller-coaster
      with boxes and planks around the yard and then giving their friends
      rides in a wheelbarrow?  I used to love doing that as a kid ... even as
      a teenager, I'd give the little kids wheelbarrow rides and they loved it!

      On another subject entirely, I wonder how many of you back up your PCs
      at home?  With my newish one (15 months old), I hadn't bothered as yet,
      and 3 weeks ago, drive C managed to get itself scrambled.  There was a
      good electrical storm for much of the night and I'd gone off to bed and
      left it running.  I shut it down in the morning and went to work, but
      when I got back home later and turned it on - no boot.  Even the BIOS
      settings were scrambled.

      Tried to unscramble the drive C partition on hard drive #1 but the
      "rescue" program couldn't manage it, so it was "Ho-Hum, reformat C
      and re-install XP from scratch".  This only takes about an hour, of
      course, but ALL my settings for dozens and dozens of programs had now
      increased the entropy of the universe.  It's taken me just on 3 weeks
      now to get it all back to where it was.  My own stupid carelessness!
      With XP (or Win 98), it is so easy to make a backup, especially
      when you have a 2nd big hard-drive.  You'll find "backup" (in XP) in
      Accessories -> System tools, and it's easy to use, and you don't even
      need to stop working while it's running.  Even if you only back-up
      drive C, you can then burn the resulting file onto a DVD and put it
      away for safe keeping.  That way, when disaster strikes and you need
      to reformat and reinstall XP, you can then run "backup" in Restore
      mode and get pretty much everything back to where it was.

      Even if you can't be bothered doing that, you should at least make the
      effort to save all your data (images, movies, memos, etc) somewhere
      OTHER than drive C.

      One last bit of nonsense from me - a great little snack idea: herb and
      garlic bread.  Our kids love it, and so do we.  I got the idea recently
      via an Italian restaurant one Friday lunchtime.  It's very simple, and
      stops the kids grabbing bags of salty potato crisps.  Just take a half
      a container of hydrolysed vegetable oil (margarine), spoon in one or two
      teaspoons of garlic paste and a couple of teaspoons of dried mixed herbs
      and stir it all up with a knife or a teaspoon.  Then spread some on
      some thick slices of bread and whack them under the griller.  When the
      edges go a little bit brown, turn them over for a half a minute to
      dry the backs off, and that's it.  Put the rest of your "herb butter"
      away in the refrigerator for next time, and the next, and ...
      It's a hit at barbeques as a entree or a side-dish too - most people
      love it, and much tastier and healthier than crappy crisps!  On sliced
      bread rolls, it's even nicer, of course.

      Now to your contributions for the week (and, further down, the massive
      load of pics and other multimedia you've sent over as well).  First up,
      one from Tina and the pups ... something that suggests that maybe we
      should even have a kind thought for our police this holiday season ...

                          YOU'RE A GOOD POLICE OFFICER IF:

1.  You have the bladder capacity of three people

2.  You have ever restrained someone and it wasn't a sexual experience

3.  You believe that 25% of people are a waste of skin

4.  Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change

5.  You request a criminal history check on anyone who seems friendly
    towards you

6.  Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you

7.  You can identify a negative "teeth to tattoo" ratio just by looking at a

8.  You find humour in other people's stupidity

9.  You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac

10. You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see

11. You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says "Boy,
    it sure is quiet around here"

12. You believe coffee is a food group

13. You have ever had to put the phone on hold before you start
    laughing uncontrollably

14. When someone calls you a prick, you take it as a compliment

15. Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than
    a computer can track

16. You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "suicide ... getting it
    right the first time"

17. Your favourite hallucinogen is exhaustion

18. You think that caffeine should be available in the IV form

19. You believe cells should come equipped with a Valium saltlick

20. You're sure anyone who says "I only had two beers" will blow over 1.50%

21. You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around

22. You are told to deliver a human jaw in a jar and you find yourself talking
    to it on the seat beside you

23. You have trouble differentiating between counsel and client

24. People shout, "I didn't do it" when you walk into a room, and think they
    are being hugely funny and original

25. You strongly believe in involuntary sterilisation

26. You are half pissed in your backyard with members of your station and
    waving at neighbours as they drive to work in the morning

27. You know every shit rat's DOB in town but can't remember the name of
    the guy who lives across the street

28. You drive a patrol car covered in empty coffee cups and candy wrappers
    for 10 hours refusing to throw it out because you didn't put it there.

29. You have an uncontrollable urge to kill the next arsehole that leaves
    you with a quarter tank of fuel in the patrol car at the start of shift

        And from Spring Maayan over in Capetown, a treatise on one of her
        favourite activities - sex, of course  ... :-)

                                 GO AND HAVE SEX

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make
   love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine
   and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis,
   skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes
   your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones
   up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming
   20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into
   the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling
   of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually
   active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones.
   These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to
   wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay,
   preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the
   tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural
   antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The original is in a
room in the basement of the Dwight House Pub. It has been sent around the world
nine times. Now sex has been sent to you. The "Hot Sex Fairy" will visit you
within four days of receiving this message, provided you, in turn, send it on.

If you don't, then you will never receive good sex again for the rest of
your life. You will eventually become celibate, and your genitals will rot
and fall off. This is no joke! Send copies to people you think need sex
(who doesn't?). Don't send money, as the fate of your genitals has no price.

Do not keep this message. This message must leave your e-mail in 96 hours.
Please send ten copies and see what happens in four days.

Since the copy must tour the world, you must send it. This is true, even if
you are not superstitious.

        This quickie just floated down in the breeze from Eric's tree:

                               NOT WORTH IT

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.  They had great
seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how
she liked her first football game

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all
the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each
other over 25 cents ..."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game,
all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback!  Get the quarterback!'
and I'm like ... Helloooooo??  It's only 25 cents!"

       And just before the pics - another quickie, from Biggus:

                                 FAMILY TRAGEDIES

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.  Approaching the
friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in June, and left me $10,000." said the friend.

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000."

The man looking concerned says, "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No
wonder you're depressed."

The friend continues, "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months??? How sad!"

"Then, this month ..." continued the friend, "Nothing! Not a single cent!"

       Okay, now to the pics for the week.  This first one's easily my
       favourite - it's Christmassy, and as Woz put it "Brilliant - the
       music is not an overlay, it is what is actually playing outside the
       house. How would you like them as neighbours?" ...

The best light show in the street (M$ WMV movie): Click here
Super Latte set: Click here
USB drives: Click here

       This game from Andrew (also a work colleague) - "Some more spare
       time entertainment"

Pac-Hoff: Click here

       Let's just say this one's from JJ (US West coast?), who wrote "Been
       an admirer of the list quite a while, especially since it comes out
       on Thursday afternoon.  Thought you might enjoy this."

Modern preaching in America (M$ WMV movie): Click here

       And Davee in Ayrshire in Scotland passed this one on:

Novel music video (Shockwave): Click here

       For music (Jazz, Blues and Rock lovers), another work colleague (and FH
       contributor) friend of ours just got her band's new web site up
       and running.  In fact, Nikki and Ben run several bands, and they're
       just about to release another CD.  So if you enjoy great music, check
       this site out - as Nik put it: "Just announcing the World Premiere of
       "Kangaroux - the movie..." - available for your viewing pleasure at
Blazzbear: Click here

        Moonboot (in the good ol' UK) sent these Christmas gift ideas over
        to help you in the coming days:

More USB devices: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Racing beats (M$ WMV movie): Click here

     This one is XXXX-rated.  Pauline, skip this one.  Others - do not
     open at work.  I wasn't sure whether to include this one or not -
     it's very naughty (albeit rather funny) ...

Men are now redundant (X-rated): Click here

Great concert ... err, ooops (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here

How smart are you? (M$ Excel thingee): Click here

     And apologies in advance for this one which isn't at all funny, but I
     was just gob-smacked by it.  One I came across this week ...

Organs for sale: Click here

     Daughter Rosie passed this one on ... an illusion - which one is angry?
     Once you decide, stand up and walk back a few feet and look again:

Which one is angry?  Click here

     And a couple from Biggus:

Finally, proof of global warming: Click here
A clear link: Click here

     A bit of a Christmas collection from Maria:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

     And from Stonefish, we received these:

Oz ABC news van: Click here
Iraqi kids aren't stupid: Click here

     And on the same topic as the last one above, from Burnout and Maria ...
Sydney beaches - so friendly!  Click here

     Tina and her pups sent these over for you:

Spot the Scotsman (M$ WMV movie): Click here
Aircraft picture collection (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
Redneck technology: Click here
Tina's thoughts: Click here
My first ...  Click here

        And from Len who's currently not in Hollywood ...

Best Halloween Costume Ever: Click here
Sheep guy: Click here

        Maayan (Capetown) sent these over for your interest and amusement:

Forecasting stone: Click here
And another Tibetan Test (did you pass it last time?) - M$ Powerpoint: Click here

        Whizzbang shows us how Canada has found the perfect solution to
        middle-eastern terrorists dealing in their currency ...

Anti-terrorist notes: Click here Click here Click here


Deer deer ...  Click here
This is a re-run, but this version is better quality (M$ WMV movie): Click here

        Rudolph and Whizzbang both passed this one on:

Hillbilly dogs: Click here

        An old joke, but read by a well-known Oz radio personality, so I'd
        better not name the contributor ...

Arabs? (MP3 audio): Click here

        Burnout's just returned from his Whitsunday islands break and he
        took a few pics while he was there - check them out in the first

Whitsunday islands (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
Santa stuck again ... (M$ WMV movie) Click here
Pepsi truck ... (M$ WMV movie) Click here
And a Christmas card to you (M$ Powerpoint): Click here

        Davo passed this one on ... Hotheads: Click here

        From Cartographer Chris via Davo, it's all about being ...

At home with the Christmas tree (M$ Powerpoint): Click here

        And Digi Steve found this one re the Da Vinci code ...

Absolute DVC Evidence: Click here

                            PHILOSOPHICAL AUDIO BITES

      Terry Lane (Oz ABC) is finally retiring this week, so I thought I'd
      include a few more audio bites from his recent ABC National Interest
      programs.  (His final program is this Sunday, BTW).  For some strange
      reason, none of Terry's broadcasts have ever been made available in
      high quality MP3 format (except from here) ... our Sydney-centric
      ABC executives have apparently never regarded them as sufficiently
      worthy.  You see, Terry is one of the few ABC people who broadcasts
      from Melbourne ...

      Anyway, as always - keep these for those odd moments during the
      next week or two when you have a few spare minutes to listen to some
      provocative radio.  As with, for example ...

Why are the media so muzzled nowadays? (MP3 audio) Click here

Are "Private Public Partnerships" really good for taxpayers? (MP3 audio) Click here

The big Oz orange-juice squeeze (MP3 audio): Click here

    Okay - back to the ASCII-encoded stuff to finish off.  First up, this
    ultra-quickie from Maddus Mickus of the East Cheam railway sidings ...

                                    SILLY BOY

A man says to his wife: "Listen, dear.  This is important.  I want you
to promise me that if ever I am reduced to a persistent vegetative state,
you will switch the machine off."

So she gets up and unplugs the TV.

                         And another one from Biggus ...


A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife
is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly
sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and Again
the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening,
And demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

"Ah ... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."

        Over to John at CUB for the last bit of humour this week,
        bubbling up from Vat 69 ...

                           SOME FACTS ABOUT CHUCK NORRIS

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths
have increased 13,000 percent

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate,
but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said,
"Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back
five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it
up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce.
When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick
to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a
list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.

If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn,sir."
That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire
state down.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided
to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera
or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires
no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back.
He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized,
Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The
devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have
seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris
did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We
know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb
on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His
reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses
them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked
names for his left and right legs.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see  Chuck Norris
you may be only seconds away from death.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler
did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death
by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're
thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity." then
you are dead.
[ End Friday humour ]

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