Friday humour - December 09, 2005


     From Davo at bluehaze:

   G'day,

Well ... Howard and Ruddoch's sedition laws have now been rammed through
parliament so that ends any criticisms of these great men of principle
and honour.

Perhaps we can still look across the Pacific to the great bastion of wealth
and freedom that is the United States of America.  And the word that seems
to have escaped from under the carpet is "rendition" - a process of snapping
up people in foreign lands, flying them to other foreign lands, and then
detaining and torturing them for months on end ... without charge of course.
Both Rice and Rumsfeld emphatically say the US is against torture.  Hmmmm.
I don't believe them!  Am I still allowed to say that?

Checkout this editorial from "The Age":  'Rendition: isn't that American
for torture?' Click here

'Dr Rice's defence had echoes, in a weasely sort of way, of US claims
during the Vietnam War of having saved a village by destroying it.'

Moonie sent in this Christmas game ... enjoy ... Click here

        ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___


First this week from Fosters John

                                  SIZE QUEEN

A 60-year-old man walked into a drugstore and asked the girl at the
checkout, "Do you have condoms here?"

"Sure. What size are you?"

"I'm not really sure."

"Well, just let me check," she said, walking around the counter.

She unzipped his pants, took a feel and then picked up the microphone.
"Extra-large condoms to the checkout. Extra-large condoms to the
checkout."

A stockboy brought the condoms and the man paid and left.

A while later, a 30-year-old man walked up to the checkout. "Do you sell
condoms here?" he asked.

"Sure, but what size do you need?"

"Well, I don't know."

"Well, just let me check." She unzipped his pants, took a couple of tugs
and then picked up the microphone, "Large condoms to the checkout. Large
condoms to the checkout."

The stockboy brought the condoms, the man paid and left.

Later, a 16-year-old came into the store. "Um, ah, do you guys sell
condoms here?" he asked the girl at the checkout.

"Yep," she said, "what size do you need?"

"I don't know," he replied. She unzipped his zipper for a feel and then
picked up the microphone. "Cleanup at the checkout, please. Cleanup at
the checkout."

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  And from Allnutts

                              BRISBANE BOUND

Two cheerleading teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes,
charter a double-decker bus for a weekend cheerleading competition in
Brisbane.

The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team
rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time,
when one of them realized they hadnt heard anything from the blondes
upstairs.

One of the brunettes decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette
reached the top deck, she found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring
straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with
white knuckles.

The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a
great time downstairs!"

One of the Blondes looks up at her, swallows hard and whispers -

"Yeah, but you've got a driver"

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Digi Maria sent this stuff in

                                MAKE MINE MINK

A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde
on his arm. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.

So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an
absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the
furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that
particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a cheque!"

"Very good, sir." says the shop owner.

"Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the
cheque has cleared."

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store
owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?!  There wasn't a
single penny in your cheque account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most
wonderful weekend of my life".

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                                W A S P S

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they
make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the
record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the
World and the sounds that they make - available now".  Unable to resist the
temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on
European wasps and the sounds that they make.  I'd very much like to listen
to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to
step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth
and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and
announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds
that they make and yet I recognised none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the
booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make,
steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he
comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says,
"I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they
make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant... "I've just realised
I was playing you the bee side!"

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                                  HORSERIDE

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons
or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into
motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins
to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm
grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides
down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant
of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the
horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled
in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves
as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from
unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the K-Mart greeter, sees
her and unplugs the horse.

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The Stonefish collection

                                        Helpful hints

Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping
a large fake penis to your forehead. Your allegiance is now clear to all.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at
people as they walk up the aisle.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar
in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place.

Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring
a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating
into it, before jumping in.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a
handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the
object you wish to view.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction
of oncoming traffic.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes
again.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat
hanger in an emergency.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by
running a bit slower.

Vegetarians coming to dinner?  Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal.
Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc
'taste exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner?  Point out that since you'd no doubt be
made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours,
and ask for a nice steak.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the
stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing
machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,
thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your smokes.
Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.

Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking
half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong
way up one way streets.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin
in a bowl of iron fillings.

X File fans. Create the effect of being abducted be aliens by drinking two
bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following
morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps
when visiting the Sahara desert.

Toblerone chocolate bars make ideal 'toast racks' for Ritz crackers.

Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling
your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB digger outside
your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house
during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same
description. Watch their faces in the morning!

Have all your shits at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper,
but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Feed bees oranges. Hey presto! They make marmalade instead of honey.

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car
before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway,
so it may as well look like one.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep.

Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate
melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have
the oven serviced.

      ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___


   This weeks pics are from Stonefish, Muse, Digi Maria, Rudolf from the West,
   Mad Mick from Marwick, Allnutts, Viney from Oregon, Cartographer Chris,
   Moonboot, Whizzbang Pooley, Sir Douglas, JnR, Little Di, and Brett Dude.

>From Vinnie in Oregon - Christmas greetings: Click here

>From Digi Maria It's a horse! (Been around before, but worth a second look) Click here

>From that guy in Africa) - another repeat, but hey - it's Christmas
                          =The Emissary=
Christmas Scenes... when the first picture has loaded, click in the
centre for the rest, 10 pages in all: Click here
( And here's Eric's own Treetop - Click here )


>From Digi Maria

GOOD REASONS NOT TO BE A PENIS:
1. You're bald your whole life.
2. You have a hole in your head.
3. Your neighbors are nuts.
4. The guy behind you is an arsehole.
   And my personal favorite ...
5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and collapse: Click here

From the one and only Moonboot: "This is from your neck of the woods I believe"
 Click here

And watch Mr bush escape - Click here

A case of too much TV - Click here

The sweet children in iraq - or not so - Click here

Some people cleaning windows in high winds - not so good: Click here

Oh, and this one is the perfect Christmas present for some of the older ladies
(who might still have one of these things hidden in the attic): Click here

Digi Maria's Christmas assortment: Click here Click here Click here

Being a dick Click here

From JnR - Salary Increase Jan 2006 Nationwide Mandated By John Howard --
A Must read!!  Click here

Workplace agreement: Click here

Cool pool Click here

And the winner is ...  Click here

Heraldic justice Click here

Ooops Click here

No breaks allowed: Click here

What a bargain: Click here

Strangers On My Flight Click here

XXX Warning XXX
Unprotected gay sex Click here

Business call Click here

Colourful Brazil Click here

Late for work Click here

Convincing pointer: Click here

Guess the song Click here

The horn guy Click here

[ Warning - bad fucking language ] Chopper's weather report: Click here

  ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___


   This came in from Muse in London, Canada.  It's a repeat, but a classic:

                         TRUE AUSTRALIAN GHOST STORY

This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like
an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road
hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was
rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see
a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car, slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate
for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the
door, just to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't
on! The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve
approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and
turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared
every time they came to a curve.

John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped
out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and
asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody about the
horrible experience he went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realised he was crying and....
wasn't drunk.

About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were also
wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at
the bar, one said to the other, "Look Bruce, here's the fucking idiot who
got in the car while we were pushing it."

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More from Allnutts

                            JAMAICAN FIREMAN

A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife:

"Y'know sump tin, honey, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station ...
Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.  Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.

From now on, when I says, 'Bell one,' I want you to strip naked.  'Bell two,'
you jump on de bed.  'Bell tree,' we's gonna mek love all tru de night."

The next night, he came home and shouted, 'Bell One' and she stripped naked.

'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed.

'Bell Tree' and they started to make love.

After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "BellFour!"

What de hell is 'Bell Four', woman?" asked the astonished Jamaican.

"Roll out more hose, man, you ain't nowhere near de fire."

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   These from Smithy of Nottingham

                                   RESUME

My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I
couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it,
so they gave me the axe.

After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it -
mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my
life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut
the mustard. ! ; My best job was being a Musician, but eventually I
found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any
patience.

Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live
on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but
the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for
the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a
Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working in Starbucks!  But I had to quit because it was
always the same old grind.

SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

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    An oldie but goodie from accident-prone adventurer Russell

                         CHENCE'D BE A FINE THUNG

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by
the telephone.

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour
but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory
en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New
Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted
babies - wi'll be ruined!"

Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad...
Brutain?..."

PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"

Hilth Munister: "What about Australia?"

PM: "Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck."

Hilth Munister: "You call John Howard - tell hum we need one moollion condoms;
ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll know how bug the
Kiwis really are!!"

Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need.

Three days later a van arrives in Auckland - full of boxes. A delighted
Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 unches long;
8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold.

She then notices in small writing on each and ivery one......... MADE IN
AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM

Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie .... Oy Oy Oy

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     From Whizzbang Pooley

                                GUTS vs BALLS

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
Aussie definition for each, is listed below ....

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, seeing your
wife with a broom and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning,
or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
arse and having the balls to say: "You're next."

        ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___

Another from Fosters John

                            SNAPPY WEDDING NIGHT

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says,
"Doc, I'm getting married this week-end and my fiancee thinks I'm a virgin,
is there anything you can do to help me"?

After the doctor stopped laughing, he says, " Medically, no, but here's
something you can try on your wedding night. When you're getting ready for bed,
take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh, when your husband puts
it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for this.

They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets
ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes
preparing and climbs into bed with her man.  Things begin to progress, her
hubby "slips it in", she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby yells "What
the fuck was that?"

The wife explains, "Oh, nothing honey ... that was just my virginity snapping."

The husband cries out, "Well snap it again - it's got my balls!"

       ___.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.___


Quote of the Week:

  "The Senate has been reduced to a sausage factory - endorsing without
   scrutiny critical legislation that goes to the heart of the Australian way
   of life. It is a fundamental abuse of Australian parliamentary democracy."

       Senator Chris Evans - Leader of the Opposition in the Senate

 [ Well, as we keep saying, Ian - that's what the Oz majority want!  Should be
   fun to see what the next two years brings, too!  (Tony: t'other FH Ed) ]
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[ End Fri humour ]

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