Friday humour - December 02, 2005


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

           Yo,
      Well, racing towards Christmas once again ... a wonderful time for so
      many of us (especially the little kids).  It does burn deeply into one's
      mind when you've been fortunate enough to be born into a nice middle
      class family who could afford to tell you as a little 4 year-old to hop
      off to bed or Father Christmas mightn't come!

      And then lying there in bed, listening carefully and staying awake as
      long as you could to see if you just could ... maybe this year ...
      actually hear him come.  And then waking up the next morning and
      jumping out of bed and finding all those toys ... oh, wow!  Did he
      really bring all this?  "Well, we put some in there too", says Mum.

      Back in the days when Myers (in Melbourne) was a potent force in the
      world of merchandising, I can remember going up the escalator to
      "toyland" on the 4th floor - and they had little train-rides, and this
      amazing set of animated puppet-things called "fairy-land" ... and you'd
      stand there and watch as elves, fairies and goblins hammered stakes into
      their gardens, dug their wells, drove little cars, walked in and out of
      their little houses, and 50 or 60 other things that had been set up
      along a large length of wall.  Totally mechanical - the racket from
      all the little motors and levers and things was quite loud!  But loads
      of fun for us little kids!

      Even their little train-ride was something to look forward to ... real
      rails, tunnels, fake grass everywhere, fake ponds and fake ducks, stars
      plastered all over everything.  I could hardly wait each year for that
      trip to Myers.  But as with most family businesses, by the time they
      get to the 2nd or 3rd generation, the Myer kids just want to enjoy the
      family riches and have little or nothing to do with running the business
      any more.  It is sad to see an icon like that fade away with little
      more than a whimper - especially one that was such a generous, kind
      organisation under its founder, the Ukranian-born Sidney Myer.

      Not to worry - I'm sure today's kids have other things that are just as
      good, or better!  Enough of that ... onto the humour, and first up for
      December 2005, a few contributions from John over at the froth and
      bubble factory of CUB in Melbourne:
                           --------------------------

                                  THE WISHES

Three guys are out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch
a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish.

Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says: "OK, if you can really
grant wishes, then double my IQ."

The mermaid says "Done."  Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare
flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight.

The second guy is so amazed, he says to the mermaid: "Triple my IQ."

The mermaid says: "Done." The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical
solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists in various
fields: physics, chemistry, etc.

The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends that he says
to the mermaid: "Quintuple my IQ."

The mermaid looks at him and says: "You know, I normally don't try to change
people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider."

The guy says "No, I want you to increase my IQ times five, and if you don't
do it, I won't set you free."

"Please," says the mermaid. "You don't know what you're asking... it will
change your entire view on the universe ... won't you ask for something
else?  A million dollars ... anything?"

But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his IQ
increased by five times its usual power.  So, finally the mermaid sighed and
said "Done."

And he became a woman.

                           ----====#===#===#====----


                               THE COOK'S REVENGE

It was a harmless little joke, it didn't wound or maim, though I have to
say I'll never try the like again

Intending to jazz up the cook, I caught a joey 'roo and threw it in to liven
up the cook, seated on the loo

The thunder box had iron walls, that 'roo just bounced around and the yells
and screams that rent the air were stomach splitting sounds

The prank was soon forgotten, till I ate some curried stew, that the cook
had laced with epson salts, in payment for the 'roo

well it got my bowels a-boiling, while tasting quite benign and had me
rushing to the loo, in next to nothing time.

The pressure of the moment made me walk a little tight, while I tried to
act unhurried just to curb the cook's delight.

I could have sworn I felt a seepage, that prelude to a flood, my teeth were
clenched in grim resolve, my pores were sweating blood

My legs were twined like rubber-vine, my brow was cold and damp, my cheeks
were gripped by rigor mortis, locked in fear and cramp

The dictates of my posture meant a grabbing shuffle gait and I prayed,
with progress slowing, that I wouldn't be too late

When I finally reached the dunny, there were horrors still in store, the cook,
with wretched humour had jammmed the dunny door

With neatly driven three inch spikes skewed in through door and frame.
were calculated to inflict more punishment and shame.

Well, I didn't even hesitate, I wouldn't be denied, I put my shoulder to
the boards, relief was just inside.

No twisted mind would do me in, I'd beat the bugger yet, and I prayed the
trickle down my leg was nothing more than sweat.

Before my desperate onslaught, the timber burst apart, to reveal a waiting
wooden throne, a sight to warm my heart.

But the cook's revenge compounded, it wasn't just or right, the vindictive
little vixen had screwed the lid down tight.

                           ----====#===#===#====----

                               ONE FINAL HIT

Looks like John Denver has another hit.

That John Denver was a plane down to earth kinda guy.

What were the two design flaws that plagued John Denver's experimental plane?
It wouldn't fly and it wouldn't float.

John Denver's new song?  Thank god I'm a country buoy.

Why did John Denver crash?  He wanted a smash hit in the 90's

John Denver's latest hit: I'm bleeding on a jet plane. Don't know if I will
breathe again ...

Denver's new lyrics: Sunshine on the water makes me nose dive.

Cause of accident: Denver was being chased by 4 paparazzi on hang gliders
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       Over to beautiful Canada now (well, Vancouver actually), and these
       ones from Paula:

                              SVEN AND HELGA

Sven and Helga are sitting on the front porch, rocking in their rocking chairs.

Helga hauls off and slugs Sven. "Ow!" he cries. "What's dat for?"

"That's for 50 years of bad sex."

They sit and rock some more and smack their gums.

Then Sven punches Helga in the arm.

"Ow!" cries Helga. What's dat for?"

"Dat's for knowin' the difference." says Sven

                           ----====#===#===#====----


                              TEACHER OUTSMARTED

An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that
he was going to prove that there was not a God.  He said, "God if you are
real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am God, I'm
still waiting"

He got down to the last couple of minutes and a huge 250-pound rugby player
happened to walk by the door and heard what the professor said.  The rugby
player walked into the classroom and in the last minute, he walked up, hit
the professor full force, and sent him flying off the platform.

The professor got up, obviously shaken and said, "Where did you come from,
and why did you do that?"

The football player replied, "God was busy.  He sent me!"

                           ----====#===#===#====----


Q. What do you call a Manchester United fan with half a brain?

A: Gifted.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         Okay - just before we hit the bumper collection of pics for this
         week, it's time for a couple from Biggus ...

                             THE POOR LITTLE TURTLE

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours
of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs
and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the
ground.

The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch
watched his sad efforts.  Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.

"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

                           ----====#===#===#====----

The Centre for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If
you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever.
2. Congestion.
3. Nausea.
4. Fatigue.
5. Aching in the joints.
6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Okay - lots of pics again this week.  As always - if you sent something
     over and it's not included, it almost certainly just means we've already
     used it at some stage, so please don't be offended ... keep sending
     anything funny or interesting that you find.

     We've actually had the pic for this first one from WhizzBang before,
     but not the intro that goes with it as far as I remember:


                            BL**DY VOLVO DRIVERS!

Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking and dancing ... You're
okay with it, because you get to watch sports all night.

You hear her stumble into bed around 4 and laugh, knowing she's going to have
a monster hangover.

You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which she used
last night.  You sigh in relief because it's all in one piece.

You circle the car looking for dents, but ... wait a minute ...
What the ... Click here

Free porn: Click here
Soap dispenser: Click here
And another classic piece of animation (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here
                           --------------------------


       And from Andrew Smith ...

Cooking an egg with two mobile phones: Click here
                           --------------------------


       This one's from JnR:

So you reckon you've got nerves of steel?  Take your vacation here!  Could
you handle this one?

                         NEW GRAND CANYON SKY WALK

* Scheduled to open Jan. 1, 2006 Hualapai Indian Reservation

* Juts about 70 feet into the canyon, 4000 ft above the Colorado River

* Will accommodate 120 people comfortably (LOL - I can see you crawling
  on your hands and knees to look over the edge?)

* Built with more than a million pounds of steel beams and includes dampeners
  that minimize the structure's vibration.

* Designed to hold 72 million pounds, withstand an 8.0 magnitude earthquake
  50 miles away, and withstand winds in excess of 100 mph

* The walkway has a glass bottom and sides four inches thick

This may help you ... depends will be available at concession stand!!

 Click here Click here
                           --------------------------


          And from James Powell at work ...

Game for xmas (Shockwave): Click here
                           --------------------------

          Digi Steve (who's hosting many of the larger files for us each
          week now) passed this one on:

Nanchang (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here
                           --------------------------

          And this one was sent over by Hollywood Len:

Ring my bell (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here
                           --------------------------

          Lotsa stuff sent over by Tina and the pups this week:

Rat monster (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here
Mother-in-law (MPEG movie clip): Click here
And some miscellaneous cartoons: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
How to pick the millionaire (one's a repeat but what the heck): Click here Click here
Bad day: Click here
Mud map: Click here
Try to uncover her (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
Cool trick: Click here
Just remember (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
Words that women use (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
Objective for this week: Click here
Kids and dogs: Click here
Smile (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
                           --------------------------

        And from Burnout.  This first one's a bit strange - a lost girl
        quest.  Is it for real?  Oh well, here we go anyway ...

Let's keep this one moving.  It only takes a couple of seconds to forward
and God works in mysterious ways.

PS: If you have a second I'm sure she would appreciate your prayers.

This little girl is at the Phuket Hospital in Thailand: Click here

She does not remember her own name or anything! She has lost her parents.

She must be of Western origin. She was a victim when she got caught in the
tidal wave disaster in   Phuket, Thailand and nobody knows who she is, so we
are  hoping if we distribute this email around the world someone will know her.

Please don't break the chain, your contribution could be the one that solves
this  little girls problem. Please forward this to all your contacts.

  Rod Hawkins Sergeant 6367
  Perth Police Station
  Ph: (08) 9223 3700
                              - - - - - - - -

Another commercial (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here
GFY: Click here
Boeing Flu: Click here
                           --------------------------

         Now for a couple from Kevin, VK3ZI (Melb Uni):

More bird flu: Click here
This year's salary review (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
                           --------------------------

         Plus these from Biggus:

Pools: Click here
Watch out for these: Click here
Huh? Click here
                           --------------------------

         Tina and Maayan both sent this one in:

Hey, Pete? Click here
                           --------------------------

         And a couple this week from Davee in Ayreshire (bonny Scotland):

Pick the 71 band names in this picture: Click here
Funny LP record covers (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
                           --------------------------

         Digi Steve & Mandie both passed this one on:

What the ... ?! (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here
                           --------------------------

      And from both Tina and Maria, some (hopeful) truck decorations:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here
                           --------------------------

      Maria sent these over as well ...

Late show extract (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here
Marriage ceremonies: Click here Click here
                           --------------------------

      From the Castle Hill Books mob (UK), a novel store sign: Click here
                           --------------------------

      And this classic from Mandie:

Urinoirs inusits (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
                           --------------------------

      Muse over in Canada sent this one:

Larry's carols (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here
                           --------------------------

      This one from Brett's been on once before - but it's so good:

Booked (Adobe PDF format): Click here
                           --------------------------

      Remember that amazing frog bridge?  Well, Jakub just sent this new
      slideshow about it ... it's bit of stop-frame on the construction:

One amazing bridge (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
                           --------------------------

      Back to the UK now and this one from Maddus Mickus re why cows hate
      winter.  As Mick says, "I've done this too" ... well, maybe stay out
      of frozen meadows, Mickus!

Why cows hate winter (MPEG movie clip): Click here
                           --------------------------

      This one from Stonefish ... a real opportunist: Click here
                           --------------------------

      And from Steph, it's another Osama clip - with a difference:

Osama message (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here
                           --------------------------

      Finally, a few more from the amazing Moonboot collection:

Getting harrassed (MPEG movie clip): Click here
Hamtaro and the Hamster dance (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here
Kung Fu porn (X-Rated, MPEG movie clip): Click here
Nerd arrest (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here
Tramp-o-Claus (Shockwave clip): Click here
House pleasure matters (MPEG movie clip): Click here

       and
                             PLACE YOUR ORDER

 Click here or Click here

When you get there, give an order - such as:
sing
beer
show
kiss
hair
rock
rap
sleep
fight
strip
shake your body
take off your top
say
think
bottle
look
lick
take off your pants
fire
magic

  [ But don't expect too much!  Most don't work - Ed. ]
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Back to CUB for another John K contribution now ...


                      HOW DO LOOK AFTER YOUR SHEEP?

A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he
visits a Cornish farmer. "So, Cornish farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots
and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

"That's very interesting," replies the researcher and he leaves the Cornish
farmer.

Then he meets a Aberdeenshire farmer. "So, Aberdeenshire farmer, how do you
shag your sheep?"

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots
and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

"That's very interesting," replies the researcher. "That's how they do it
in Cornwall too." And he leaves the Aberdeen farmer.

Then he meets a farmer from New Zealand.

"So, Kiwi farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots
and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders."

"Over your shoulders?" replies the researcher. "Don't you put them over a
wall like everyone else?"

"What?" says the farmer. "And miss out on all the kissing!"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


          Now for one from our BHP (ex QCAT) correspondent ...


                         THE TRUE MEANING OF SERVICE

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the
word "service."

"It's the act of doing things for other people."  Then I heard these terms
which reference the word "Service":

Internal Revenue Service

Postal Service

Civil Service

Public Service

The Free Health Service

Phone Customer Service

I became confused about the word "service."   This is not what I thought
"service" meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking. One of them said he had hired a
bull to "service" a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into perspective. Now
I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


            And a cupla quickies here from David B ...

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to
discuss it with the employees."
   (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a
project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He
said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask
for it!"
   (Hallmark Cards executive)
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


          And to finish off for this week, one more from Whizzbang:


                       MORE COMPUTER SERVICE DESK CALLS

Customer:   I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just
doesn't work.  What am I doing wrong?

Tech support:  OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?

Customer: Yeah..

Tech support:  And what sort of computer are you using?

Customer:   Computer?  Oh no, I haven't got a computer.  It's in the CD
player and all I get is weird noises. Listen....

                              - - - - - - - -

Tech support:  What kind of computer do you have?

Female customer:  A white one...

                              - - - - - - - -

Customer:   Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.

Tech support:  Have you tried pushing the button?

Customer:   Yes, sure, it's really stuck.

Tech support:  That doesn't  sound good; I'll make a note.

Customer:   No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still
on my desk... sorry....

                              - - - - - - - -

Tech support:  Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.

Customer:   Your left or my left?

                              - - - - - - - -

Tech support:  What's on your monitor now, ma'am?

Customer:   A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

                              - - - - - - - -

Customer :  My keyboard is not working anymore.

Tech support:  Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer:   No. I can't get behind the computer.

Tech support:  Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer:   Okay

Tech support:  Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer:   Yes

Tech support:  That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
keyboard?

Customer:   Yes, there's another one here.  Ah...that one does work

                              - - - - - - - -

Tech support:  Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital
letter V as in Victor, the number 7.

Customer:   Is that 7 in capital letters?

Customer:   I can't get on the Internet.

Tech support:  Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer:   Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Tech support:  Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer:   Five stars.

                              - - - - - - - -

Tech support:  What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer:   Netscape.

Tech support:  That's not an anti-virus program.

Customer:   Oh, sorry ... Internet Explorer.

                              - - - - - - - -

Customer:    I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on
my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

                              - - - - - - - -

Tech support:  How may I help you?

Customer:   I'm writing my first e-mail.

Tech support:  OK,  and what seems to be the problem?

Customer:   Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get
the circle around it?

                              - - - - - - - -

    And last but not least ...


Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same
time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the
letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer:   I don't have a P.

Tech support:  On your keyboard, Bob.

Customer:   What do you mean?

Tech support:  "P"... on your keyboard, Bob.

Customer:   I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
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[ End Friday humour ]


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