Friday humour - November 25, 2005


     From Davo at bluehaze:

   Hey ...  G'day

I have a stupid confession to make.  I hardly ever read the Great Man's issues
of Friday Humour ... at least properly.  Perhaps I have better things to do.
If only ...

When Tony asked (forced) me onto the editorial board at Bluehaze (whenever
it was) I only had one ambition in mind.  To maintain the standard.

And in the formatting stakes I think I've succeeded.   There is NOT ONE ">"
CHARACTER! (and that's how we often receive your stuff - riddled with them.)

My pride was initially about putting out something that read in plain
text well.  I reckon I have.

So now - please tell me ...  Am I doing something wrong?  Are the jokes I
publish too boring ... or too often repeats.  (Sometimes I don't even read
them - I haven't got time ... I just want to make them look readable in ASCII
plain text).

Friday Humour hasn't exactly replicated Ben Hur ... but it has expanded (as
little things do) and we now have so many really nice overseas contributors.
God bless the internet!

I think the thing our OS readers really like is that we are live ... and
local ... even if the locality is Oz.  We have so much to be proud of.
Let's never let it go!!!

It would appear the Brits are getting into banning freedom of the press
before it even happens in Howard's Australia.

Under the front-page headline "BUSH PLOT TO BOMB HIS ALLY", London's Daily
Mirror reported that the US President last year planned to attack the
Arabic television station al-Jazeera, which has its headquarters in Doha,
the capital of Qatar, where US and British bombers were based.

I guess it's one way to shut the press up - even if hundreds of innocent
people (in this case allies) are killed as "collateral damage".

The British Attorney-General, Lord Peter Goldsmith, has warned newspapers
about being charged under Section 5 of the Official Secrets Act.

It's okay for Bush to think about blowing up his allies, but it's not okay
for us to know about it.  It seems we are only permitted to know what our
wonderful governments want us to know.  Big Brother is truly watching ...

Further to Tony's editorial (and video) of last week's massive march against
the pathetic new IR "reforms" as proposed by our Man of Steel, I recorded a
National Press Club Luncheon by Prof Ron McCallum.

This man is blind.  But he's studied and assisted State Governments on IR
issues since 1974. This is his CV, BTW: Click here

Tony has converted it to an .mp3 - why not give it a listen?  To anyone who
chooses to accept the crap that we get in a nicely fine tuned government
advertising campaign costing $55 million ... just listen for even 5 minutes.
Prof Ron McCallum at the National Press Club on Wed Nov 16, 2005: Click here
May God bless us all ... we'll certainly need it now.

This next interesting website featuring pretty special photography was sent
in by one of our occasional contributors saying ...

  "Please leave this contribution anonynous - but if you want to write
   something about it please ask people to say something like "i found
   this site by accident but your pictures are great" else I REALLY will
   get my balls cut off!!! - Honestly - please trust me!"

The occasional contributor is still a male as far as we know - Click here

   ____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____

First up some stuff from Kohn K and Sarge on the CUB B1 bottling line

                    LOOKS LIKE JOHN DENVER HAS ANOTHER HIT

That John Denver was a plane down to earth kinda guy.

What were the two design flaws that plagued John Denver's experimental
plane? It wouldn't fly and it wouldn'tfloat.

John Denver's new song? Thank God I'm a country buoy.

Why did John Denver crash? He wanted a smash hit in the 90's.

John Denver's latest hit: I'm bleeding on a jet plane. Don't know if I will
breathe again...

Denver's new lyrics: Sunshine on the water makes me nosedive.

Cause of accident: Denver was being chased by 4 paparazzi on hang gliders.

   ____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____


                   Webster's Dictionary Definition of Windows95

Windows95: <win-doz-nin-te-fiv n.>

32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit
operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a
2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

   ____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____


   This from Shane and mob at the Courthouse B&B in Broome

                             THE AUSTRALIAN WAY

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks
into a bar and Jill (the Australian barmaid) takes his order, Fosters,
and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know
each other quite well. At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she
wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is
attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex.
Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she
agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing
her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep
with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too
happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights.

On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the
corner. Jill thinks that may be she should pay him more attention and
may be she can then shake some more cash out of him again. So she goes
over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia and
he tells her Melbourne.

"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"

"Glen Iris" he replies

"That's amazing..." she says, "... so am I - what Street?"

"Cameo Street" he replies

"This is unbelievable..." she says,"... what number?"

He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.

"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22 and my parents
still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "... your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN - THINKS AUSTRALIAN!


|^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^\  ||
|  CHARDONNAY | ||'""|""\__,_
| _____________ l  ||__|__|___|)            [plain text required ]
|(@(@)""""""""**|(@)(@)***|(@)

   "Life may not be  the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might
     as well dance."

   ____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____


       Pooley sent this one in

                             LEAVE IT TO HUMPER

Once there was a 13 year old boy named Humper. Humper was a spoilt brat and got
every thing he wanted. Now today it is Humper's parents anniversary. Humper's
parents got a baby sitter for him and left the house...

Humper and the baby sitter were sitting on the couch watching TV. Humper said,
"Hey babysitter, kiss me on the lips." The baby sitter says, "No, there's
no way I'm doing that!" Humper says, "If you don't, I'll spill juice on the
rug and tell my parents you did it."

The baby sitter says fine and kisses Humper.

Humper then tells the babysitter to take her top off. The baby sitter says,
"No way, I'm not doing that." Humper says, "I'll tell my parents you left
me all alone in the house for an hour."

The baby sitter says "fine" and takes her top off.

The TV show ends and the baby sitter tells Humper to go upstairs because
it's his bed time. Humper says, "Get in the bed with me naked." The baby
sitter says, "No, there is NO way I'm doing that."

Humper says that if she doesn't he will go down stairs and break all the
dishes and tell his parents that there was a big party over at the house. The
baby sitter says fine and gets in bed.

All of a sudden Humper's parents come home because they remember they left
the hotel reservations at home.

His mum calls, "Humper, Humper." And he replies, "I'm trying mum!"

      ____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____


   A couple from British knickers

                                BIOLOGY

A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions"
to first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject the professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what
your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "He's probably drinking beer at the bar".

   ____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____


                             MAKING PEOPLE HAPPY...

George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force
One. The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles, and says, "You
know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make
somebody very happy."

The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw 10 $100 bills
out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defence says, "Of course, then, I
could throw 100 $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very
happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses
back there. Hell, I could throw the three of them out the window and
make 56 million people really happy."

   ____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____


                                 IT WAS GOOD

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy
matches, going to the beach and BBQ's. He created night for going
prawning, sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Second Day, God created water - for surfing, swimming and BBQ's
on the beach, and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to
provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it
was good.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops,
sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the
beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw
that it was good.

On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to
go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with.
So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God
saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires,
heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the
Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and
God Saw that it was good ... well ... almost good.

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest. So
God created Sheilas - to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, To
cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just
good. It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!!!!

   ____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____


  This weeks pics are from Allnutts, Gropwo, the Courthouse B&B lot,
  Burnout, Digi Maria, Stonefish, Mad Bob from Sydney, Justice Jessie,
  Lisa T, Capetown Eric, Cartographer Chris, and Petty from The Age.

  Lame train: Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Cork in it: Click here

Silly monkey: Click here

Sillier monkey: Click here

Christmas in India: Click here

Bird flu: Click here

Rape: Click here

The reality of Christmas: Click here

Please explain: Click here

Belly-button jewellery: Click here

Courageous thrownroom: Click here

Calvin: Click here

First-timer: Click here

Capture in Texas: Click here

The power of makeup: Click here

Butt rocket Click here

Christmas recipe: Click here

Christmas paper: Click here

The Latham Diaries: Click here

Dickbats: Click here

Dig it up: Click here

Not the daddy: Click here

Parking experts: Click here Click here

Pizza order Click here

         ____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____


    Staying with websites ... these came from Gropwo, also Megazorch, and Horny Mike

                                     WEB ADDRESS LOGIC

Sometimes people designing websites just get carried away and forget to
do a sanity check before going live with their sites...

And yes -  they are real sites.....

1)  Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous:

    Click here

2)  Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice
    and views:

    Click here

3)  Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:

    Click here

4)  Need a therapist?

    Click here

5)  Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:

    Click here

6)  Gas central heating anyone?

    Click here

7)  New to Italy and you need electric light? Why not sign up on-line
    with Power-Gen?

    Click here

   ____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____


      Back to ASCII with Stonefish

                                     THOUGHTS


# Thought 1 #

When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers.

When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.

When we die, our widows get the life insurance. What do women want to be
liberated from?


# Thought 2 #

The average man's life consists of :

Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,

Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;

and at the end, the mourners wondering too.


# Thought 3 #

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you
take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was
astonished.

He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road.

Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step
a car will run over you, and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the
corner, barely missing him.

The man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

   ____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____


                             THE FOOTY IS OFF

It is likely that the AFL competition for 2006 will have to be
cancelled.

Under the new Anti Terrorism Laws the Bombers are banned, the new
Industrial Relations legislation rules out the Dockers and the avian flu
epidemic is wreaking havoc with the Crows, Eagles, Hawks, Magpies and
Swans.

Any transfers to the Kangaroos, Cats, Lions, Dogs and Tigers must now be
quarantined for at least 12 months.

Religious vilification laws mean that no one can legally barrack for the
Demons or the Saints.

This only leaves the Power and the Blues who no one wants to barrack for
anyway.

   ____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____


   Finally some frog bashing from Minnesota Scott

                                   VIVA LA FRANCE

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks,
it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." Mark
Twain.

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one
behind me." General George S. Patton.

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your
accordion." Norman Schwartzkopf.

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
Marge Simpson

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." Jacques Chirac, President
of France. "As far as France is concerned, you're right." Rush Limbaugh.

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is
sitting in Paris sipping coffee." Regis Philbin.

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better,
on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris
and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting
inside and drinking large glasses of whisky I don't know." P. J O'Rourke
(1989).

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s
who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for
it." John McCain, U. S. Senator from Arizona.

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he
hates America, he loves mistresses, and he wears a beret. He is French,
people!" Conan O'Brien

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam
out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get Hitler out of France
either." Jay Leno.

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof,' it came marching into
Paris under a German flag." David Letterman

"Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada."
Ted Nugent.

"War without France would be like ... uh ... World War II. The favorite bumper
sticker in Washington now is one that says 'First Iraq, then France.'" Tom
Brokaw.

"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its
national will fighting against DisneyWorld and Big Macs than the Nazis?"
Dennis Miller.

"It is important to remember that the French have always been there when
they needed us." Alan Kent

"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for
an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a
three-day supply of mistresses in the house." Argus Hamilton

"Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being
advertised on eBay the other day -- the description was, 'Never shot.
Dropped once.'" Rep. Roy Blunt (MO)

"The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found
truffles in Iraq." Dennis Miller

Raise your right hand if you like the French ... raise both hands if you
are French.

Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the
city in WWII? A. Table for 100,000 m'sieur?

"Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It's not known;
it's never been tried." Rep. R. Blount (MO)

"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII?
And that's because it was raining." John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv.

The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the London
bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The
only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise in
the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's
white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.

French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney (AP), Paris, March 5, 2003 -- The French
Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks
at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display
at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at
a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.

   ____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____.-_bh-_.____


Quote of the Week:

   "Never believe anything in politics until it has been officially denied."

          Otto Von Bismark.
 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Friday humour ]


 Previous (November 18, 2005)  Index Next (December 02, 2005)