Friday humour - November 18, 2005


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

           G'day,
      A few bits of general stuff before we hit the humour this week.

      Moonboot's been tearing his hair out trying to solve that river-crossing
      puzzle that Trina was so mean in sending in on Oct 21st.  He reckons he's
      done it, so Click here for his solution (or Click here for the puzzle).


      Last Tuesday, we had protest demonstrations around Oz against our Liberal
      Party Goverment's proposed new Industrial Relations laws, and your trusty
      FH editors and some of our contributors were there to take part.  Mandie,
      for example - a young and energetic scientist in her 20s.  She jotted
      down her own impressions, which you can read if you Click here
      The atmosphere was certainly quite surprising.  As Mandie says, it was
      impressive to see so many actually get up off their bums and make an
      effort to express their disgust.  It won't change a thing, of course -
      Howard and the Liberals are all "born to rule" ... but it's a start.
      We can but wait for the result of the next election.  I just wish Mark
      Latham hadn't been forced out of the political scene ... Beasley is such
      a pompous wimp.  Incidentally, for those who have broadband and can
      afford to download 35Mb (14 minutes) of medium quality WMV video, you
      can watch some of the action here in Melbourne via some of the footage
      I shot - /video/wmv/20051115_ir_rally.wmv - (you may even see Mandie in one of the Swanston
      Street shots).

      On an entirely different subject, another FH reader passed on this
      interesting health-related piece re "strokes" - worth a quick read:
      Click here

      And a friend of daughter Rosie came across this amazing site that seems
      to fly in the face of everything we've been taught about healthy living
      in the past 35 years - Click here
      I could hardly believe most of that so I started looking around and came
      up against (almost) the opposite extreme (re water and dehydration) -
      Click here  I do remember a contribution we received a few years ago

      re the tendency for most people to get dehydrated during the day
      without realising it.

      On a related topic - I hadn't realised that most salt in Oz these days
      is non-iodised.  This came out from a fascinating "Catalyst" program
      on our ABC - Click here  Not only that, but it (trace iodine) seems to

      have a direct effect on IQ, particularly in developing children's brains.
      Out to buy some packets of sea-salt then (which I just did).

      So there you go - lots of reading to keep you busy over the next few
      days :-)
                           -----------------------------


      Onto the humour at last - and first up, this one from Tina and the pups.
      We did run this back on May 5, 2000, so technically it's a repeat, but
      it is a classic ...

                               IF I HAD A HAMMER

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating
your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to
death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir,
I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime.  But no more
outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt.  Is that understood?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour,
but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time
I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


          And this quickie from GROPWO:

                                  FUNNY ZOO

A man goes to the zoo.

When he gets there, there was only a dog.

It was a shitzu.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


            Kevin 3ZI (Melb Uni) passed this one on ...

                              RACIST PILOTS

An airplane takes off from the airport. The Captain is Jewish and the First
Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it's
obvious, by the silence, that they don't get along.

After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: "I don't like Chinese."

The First Officer replies: "Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?"

"Your people bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese."

"Nooooo, noooo, Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese."

"Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike."

Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says: "No
like Jew."

"Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"

"Jews sink Titanic."

"The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg."

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ... all da same."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


             And another quickie, this time from Burnout ...

                        ARGENTINIAN STUDY OF MICE

A South American scientist, from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with not enough sexual activities read their e-mails
with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off, it's too late ...
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


          Okay - from the quickies to a long one, this time from John
          over at the bubbly CUB ...


    TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH
    --------------------------------------------

1.  You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them.
2.  You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.
3a. You can legally kill yourself
3b. You can legally be killed
4.  You're exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you.
5.  You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks Copenhagen
    is your capital...
6.  You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a national
    tradition.
7.  You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country.
8.  You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still
    you've never seen your neighbours.
9.  If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started blame
    the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans.
10. Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.


    TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING BELGIAN
    -----------------------------------------------

1.  You get to speak three languages, but none of them intelligibly.
2.  If other countries want to fight a war, they will do it in your
    country.
3.  You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still call it beer.
4.  You are either
4a. like the Dutch, just less efficient
 b. like the French, just less romantic
 c. like the Germans
5.  Decent fries. Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The best beer.
6.  No one knows anything about you, except for the Dutch and French and
    they make fun of you.
7.  More scandals in a week than any other country in a decade.
8.  You can drive like a maniac on the road and nobody cares.
9.  All your famous countrymen are either imaginary, or sex-offenders.
10. Face it. It's not really a country, is it?

    TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH
    ---------------------------------------------

1.  When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
2.  Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time.
3.  You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
4.  If there's a war you can surrender really early.
5.  You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on
    Channel 4.
6.  You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
7.  You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
8.  Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating
    your sense of national pride.
9.  You don't have to bother with toilets, just sh_t in the street.
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.


    TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN
    ---------------------------------

1.  You can have a woman president without electing her.
2.  You can spell color wrong and get away with it.
3.  You can call Budweiser beer.
4.  You can be a crook and still be president.
5.  If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6.  If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7.  It's cool to be really obese.
8.  You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody
    seems to care.
9.  Pitch up at the 11th hour for major World conflicts.
10. You get to play/watch glorified rounders called baseball.


    TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING NORWEGIAN
    ----------------------------------------------------

1.  You get to pay the highest taxes in the world.
2.  You can kill baby seals and eat Rudolf the Reindeer.
3.  You live in total freezing darkness half the year and get 24 hour
    ozone-hole radiation the other half.
4.  You can get capital punishment for smoking dope.
5.  You can go skiing in your knickers.
6.  You get to hate the Swedes and beat the Brazilians in football.
7.  You have to be a woman to get anywhere.
8.  You don't need to worry about land prices rocketing - its fairly
    spacious.
9.  When abroad you can impress people you meet with stories about killing
    polar bears and shagging penguins - and they believe you.
10. You can actually get bored with blondes.


    TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH
    -----------------------------------------------

1.  Two World Wars and One World Cup.
2.  Warm beer.
3.  You get to play/watch glorified rounders called cricket.
4.  You get to accept defeat very graciously in major sporting events.
5.  Union jack underpants.
6.  Water shortages guaranteed every single summer & flooding in Winter.
7.  You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8.  Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not.
9.  Ditto changing underwear.
10. Beats being Welsh.


    TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH
    -------------------------------------------------

1.  You ain't English!
2.  You ain't English!
3.  You ain't English!
4.  You ain't English!
5.  You ain't English!
6.  You ain't English!
7.  You ain't English!
8.  You ain't English!
9.  You ain't English!
10. You ain't English!


    TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN
    -----------------------------------------------

1.  In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2.  Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3.  No need to worry about tax returns.
4.  Glorious military history prior to 400BC.
5.  Can wear sunglasses inside.
6.  Political stability.
7.  Flexible working hours.
8.  Live near the Pope.
9.  Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers.


    TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH
    -----------------------------------------------

1.  Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
2.  The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
3.  You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits, etc.
4.  The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
5.  Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.
6.  Honesty.
7.  Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight
    clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.
8.  You get to eat bull's testicles.
9.  Gibraltar.
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.


    TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN
    ----------------------------------------------

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

        Okay - give them a second chance ...

1.  Oktoberfest.
2.  Okotberfest-beer.
3.  BMW.
4.  VW.
5.  Audi.
6.  Mercedes.
7.  On a highway you can travel at a speed that would bring you to jail in
    any other country of the world.
8.  You do not have to learn German as a foreign language.
9.  You think Sauerkraut is delicious.
10. Contrary to common belief laughing is not forbidden by law (yet).


    TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN
    ----------------------------------------------

1.  Chicken Madras.
2.  Lamb Passanda.
3.  Onion Bhaji.
4.  Bombay Potato.
5.  Chicken Tikka Masala.
6.  Rogan Josh.
7.  Popadoms.
8.  Chicken Dopiaza.
9.  Kingfisher lager.
10. Aggravate everyone else by shaking your head when talking.


    TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH
    ---------------------------------------------

1. You've got to be having us on, haven't you?

    TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH
    --------------------------------------------

1.  Guinness.
2.  18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
3.  You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.
4.  Pubs never close.
5.  Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in second Vatican Council of
    1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on.
6.  No one can ever remember the night before.
7.  Kill people you don't agree with.
8.  Stew.
9.  More Guinness.
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning
    after a bout of sectarian violence.


    TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN
    --------------------------------------------------

1.  It beats being an American.
2.  Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the
    ground.
3.  You can play ice hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4.  Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the
    ground.
5.  Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6.  A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity
    ratings will rise.
7.  Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the
    ground.
8.  Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their
    skins.
9.  Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to
    the ground.


    TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN
    ----------------------------------------------------

1.  Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bar steward that no civilized
    nation on earth wanted.
2.  Fosters Lager.
3.  Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years
    because you think it belongs to you.
4.  Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.
5.  Tact and sensitivity.
6.  Bondi Beach.
7.  Other beaches.
8.  Liberated attitude to homosexuals.
9.  Drinking cold lager on the beach.
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.


    TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GREEK
    -------------------------------------------

1.  You get to shout about your culture although the only real culture most
    Greeks have is what is growing between their toes.
2.  The police are even more corrupt than the criminals they are supposed to
    be chasing.
3.  You can blow your nose in the street by pinching it between the thumb
    and forefinger and trumpeting forth without everyone around wretching
    their stomach contents up at the sight.
4.  Old women can sport moustaches.
5.  Young women can sport moustaches.
6.  Men can be hairier than the average grizzly bear and not get put in a zoo.
7.  You get to call the bouzouki a musical instrument when the rest of the
    world sees it as an instrument of torture.
8.  You are the only nation to have lost its marbles and still wants to
    let everyone else around the world know about it.
9.  Ridiculous bureaucracy.
10. Nana Mouskouri and Demis Roussos.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

   Okay - time for the pics.  First up, from Burnout and Digi Steve, it's
   the first ever remote-control: Click here
                         -----------------------------

   From Kevin (3ZI), a lion optical illusion (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
                         -----------------------------

   From Digi Maria - some men brag too much ... Click here
   and the Lawn-chair drill team (M$ WMV movie): Click here
                         -----------------------------

   And from Trong at Noble Park SC - Catch it!  Click here
                         -----------------------------

   Tina and the pups sent this collection:

 More of graphics designers with too much free time (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
 Good dog (M$ WMV movie): Click here
 Miss Canada camel-toe: Click here and Miss USA camel-toe: Click here
 Funny dogs (M$ WMV movie): Click here
 November 16, 2005: Click here

 This one comes with an intro ...

A girl I know lives on the 9th floor of an apartment building, and even
though it is a fairly good neighborhood, she has been having trouble
with a Peeping Tom that lives next door...

Every time she goes out on her balcony to catch a bit of sun while
wearing her bikini, this Peeping Tom looks over from his balcony and, as
soon as she removes her top, stares at her...

She has complained to the superintendent about this Peeping Tom, but he
says she must have positive proof before he can do a thing --

She FINALLY got a picture of him while he was staring at her... Click here
                         -----------------------------

      Maria and the Castle Hill books mob both passed this one on:

 African iPod: Click here
                         -----------------------------

      And from Rudolph VK6BRJ, a little animated GIF (wait a cupla secs) -
 Birds on a power line: Click here
                         -----------------------------

      This next collection from Burnout:
 Beer (M$ WMV movie): Click here
 Big fish: Click here
 Mexican death penalty: Click here
 Honest advertising: Click here
 How to dance like ... (M$ ASF movie) Click here
 Diamond mine (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
 Smart dog (M$ WMV movie): Click here
                         -----------------------------

      And yet another collection - this time from GROPWO:

 Drifts (all M$ WMV movies): Click here Click here Click here Click here
 And on 2 wheels: Click here
 Pirelli for women: Click here and Pirelli for men: Click here
                         -----------------------------

      Maayan sent in a few (from Capetown) as well:

 Dirty dancing: Click here
 Well, stiff ...  Click here
 Another sale: Click here
                         -----------------------------

      And then across to Paula in Vancouver for a couple ...

 Become smarter (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
 Big M ... Box Mart in Canada and the USA: Click here
                         -----------------------------

      Plus another one from the Castle Hill Books mob ...
 Bird comedian: Click here
                         -----------------------------

      Digi Steve posted a couple as well ...

 Shield-0-helmet: Click here
       Before and after marriage (may be a repeat) ...
 Before - Click here and after - Click here
                         -----------------------------

      And from Davee ....

 So what did you learn in school today?  Click here
 Hard puzzle: Click here
 Super heroes: Click here
 Baarrfff ... Click here
 Blonde lock: Click here
                         -----------------------------

      Finally, some more great stuff from the Moonboot collection:

Killer beans (big - 30Mb MPEG movie clip): Click here
Anti-cocaine ad (MPEG movie clip): Click here
Crazy frog (Shockwave): Click here
Girlfriend problems (MPEG movie clip): Click here
Another (banned) Bud ad (MPEG movie clip): Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Enough multimedia.  Up to the University of Sydney now, and this
      one from Jeff ...

                     MICROSOFT PURCHASES EVIL FROM SATAN

                         By Brian Briggs

Redmond, WA - Microsoft purchased evil from Satan for $2.7 billion after
many months of tough negotiations.

"We've been after Satan for some time," said CEO Steve Ballmer.  "Negotiations
were tough, but I think both Microsoft and the Prince of Darkness are happy
with this deal."

Microsoft already controls 15% of the evil market, and with this purchase
that number nears 100%. The Department of Justice voiced concerns over one
corporation controlling so much evil, and launched investigations.

"We feel that there are real opportunities with evil, and that when evil
is integrated into our next generation of Windows products consumers
will appreciate evil on their desktop," said Microsoft Chairman
Bill Gates. "Businesses haven't been able to fully realize their evil
potential. With evil integrated into Office XP, corporations big and small
will begin to see enhanced evil productivity."

"Evil is a real growing market," market strategist Frank Dresgan of Merrill
Lynch explained. "Microsoft is a little late in the game, but even when they
enter a market late they still tend to dominate. I think we'll see the same
results with evil."

"I've been dealing with Microsoft for some time," Lucifer said. "I've been
at this evil thing for millions of years, and wanted a way out. I considered
an IPO, but then Steve-O and Billy came along and told me about their 'Evil
Everywhere' plan. I just couldn't refuse."

Evil was founded by Satan close to the beginning of time. It has been growing
steadily ever since, although most of the growth has accelerated in the past
five years with the development of the Internet. Satan plans to retire to
a small island in the Bahamas and write a column for the local newspaper.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


           Another quickie now - this time from Digi Maria ...

                          CHRISTMAS PROBLEM

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in
Washington, DC, this Christmas season.  They have not been able to find
three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable!
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         Plus this one from Mad Bob in Sydney, who says "To take your
         mind off the Dismissal ..." (Nov 11 was the 30th anniversary):

                               SHORT SHARP ONES

Man says to wife "I had a wet dream about you last night, I dreamt you
got run over by a bus and I pissed myself laughing".

A couple in a cafe in Llangollen asks "Can you settle an argument for us
and pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?"
The waitress leaned over and said ... "Burrr gurrr king".

Boss has to lay off Ann or Jack. Ann walks into the office and the boss
says "I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off."
"You'd better jack off, I've got a headache".

Paul McCartney poem:- We lay upon the grassy bank, my hands were all a
quiver, I slowly undid her suspender belt and her leg fell into the river.

Sorry I haven't been in touch, a friend was rushed to hospital to have a
dangerous mole removed from his penis.  He won't be shagging one of those
again!

Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel.
They say it's only for the Christmas period.

A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her pussy.
Doc says "that looks nasty".

"Nasty?" she says. "That's just the tip of the iceberg."

Two newly weds turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite and the
receptionist asks "do you have reservations?"

The bride answers "Definitely. I won"t take it up the arse."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


          And finally, this one from Burnout ...

                               HEY, DAD!

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the
midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman, "You have a
healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the
baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and
nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film.  The lead man
was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business
and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also
tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was
this Swedish guy."

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business
either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."

"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie,
I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents Her
to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt.

The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that
she was going to bark."
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[ End Friday humour ]


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