Friday humour - November 11, 2005

     From Davo at bluehaze:

  No politics from yours truly this issue.
  After all, the Man of Steel has saved us from a fate worse than a seven year
  vacation on a Pacific island, say Nauru.
  According to the Sydney papers, the Habour Bridge and Opera House are
  now safe ...  And in Melbourne, Flinders Street Station will remain the
  transport hub it's always been.  Interesting to see the alleged terrorists
  had their sights on Casselden Towers - the Commonwealth building that
  houses, amongst other things, Immigration and Foreign Affairs.  Hey! -
  Vanstone and Downer ...  no, let's not go there.

  For a change of pace enjoy this Chaser Bulletin from what's left of our ABC.


  Chaser News Alert - The alert that keeps you alarmed.

  CNA is broadcast every Thursday at 7.55pm on ABC2 (free to air digital
  channel 21) and on demand too - Click here

  Making news on CNA this week:

  *  John Howard's IR laws already hurting workers, as a man strains his back
     trying to lift a copy of the act.

  *  The success of the movie 'Doom' prompts Vin Diesel to take on the role
     of Pacman.

  *  And the ABC dismisses allegations of being biased as "typical Liberal
     party lies".

  This week's CNA is brought to you by the new production of 'Les Miserables',
  premiering in the streets of Paris.


  And so to the jokes ... First up this week from Burnout

                                 ALMOST THERE

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor of a small town in Ireland.  One day
he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his
congregation in a pub drinking beer.

The reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and
sat down next to the woman. 'Miss Fitzgerald', he said sternly, 'This is no
place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?'.

'Sure', she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and
forth. The reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed
her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled
to the floor.

After rolling around for a few moments, the reverend wound up on top of Miss
Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi mate, we won't have any of that
carry on in this pub'.

The reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand,
I'm Pastor Fluff'.

The landlord nodded and said, 'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as
well finish'.


   This (oldie) came in from our new contributor UK Frank:

                                 BIG BANG

After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that was enough,
as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor
and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix
the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home,
get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his
ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world,
but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going
to help me." "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can
up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused,
placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his
other hand.

This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex, inner London,
Newcastle and anywhere in Wales.


   Some quickies from Rudolf out West

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long
holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead
of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him
toward a vacant pump.

"Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if
everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."


A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know
what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the
Bible means?"

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay, said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Instructions Before Leaving


The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, ask
the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for
repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the
regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last
minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the
service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to
play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are
in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and
we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And
that is how the substitute became the regular organist!


And here's a tear-jerker from Moonboot

      [ This isn't particularly funny but it moved me ... Ed ]

           [ That makes 2 of us ... the other Ed :-) ]


When I was a puppy, I entertained you with my antics and made you laugh.
You called me your child, and despite a number of chewed shoes and a couple
of murdered throw pillows, I became your best friend ...

Whenever I was "bad," you'd shake your finger at me and ask "How could you?"
-- but then you'd relent and roll me over for a belly rub.

My housebreaking took a little longer than expected, because you were terribly
busy, but we worked on that together. I remember those nights of nuzzling you
in bed and listening to your confidences and secret dreams, and I believed
that life could not be any more perfect.

We went for long walks and runs in the park, car rides, stops for ice cream
(I only got the cone because "ice cream is bad for dogs" you said), and I
took long naps in the sun waiting for you to come home at the end of the day.

Gradually, you began spending more time at work and on your career, and more
time searching for a human mate. I waited for you patiently, comforted you
through heartbreaks and disappointments, never chided you about bad decisions,
and romped with glee at your homecomings, and when you fell in love.

She, now your wife, is not a "dog person" -- still I welcomed her into our
home, tried to show her affection, and obeyed her. I was happy because you
were happy.

Then the human babies came along and I shared your excitement. I was fascinated
by their pinkness, how they smelled, and I wanted to mother them, too. Only
she and you worried that I might hurt them, and I spent most of my time
banished to another room, or to a dog crate. Oh, how I wanted to love them,
but I became a prisoner of love."

As they began to grow, I became their friend. They clung to my fur and pulled
themselves up on wobbly legs, poked fingers in my eyes, investigated my ears,
and gave me kisses on my nose. I loved everything about them and their touch
-- because your touch was now so infrequent -- and I would've defended them
with my life if need be. I would sneak into their beds and listen to their
worries and secret dreams, and together we waited for the sound of your car
in the driveway.

There had been a time, when others asked you if you had a dog, that you
produced a photo of me from your wallet and told them stories about me.
These past few years, you just answered "yes" and changed the subject. I
had gone from being "your dog" to "just a dog," and you resented every
expenditure on my behalf.

Now, you have a new career opportunity in another city, and you and they will
be moving to an apartment that does not allow pets. You've made the right
decision for your "family," but there was a time when I was your only family.

I was excited about the car ride until we arrived at the animal shelter.
It smelled of dogs and cats, of fear, of hopelessness. You filled out the
paperwork and said "I know you will find a good home for her." They shrugged
and gave you a pained look. They understand the realities facing a middle-aged
dog, even one with "papers."

You had to pry your son's fingers loose from my collar as he screamed,
"No, Daddy! Please don't let them take my dog!" And I worried for him,
and what lessons you had just taught him about friendship and loyalty,
about love and responsibility, and about respect for all life.

You gave me a good-bye pat on the head, avoided my eyes, and politely refused
to take my collar and leash with you. You had a deadline to meet and now I
have one, too. After you left, the two nice ladies said you probably knew
about your upcoming move months ago and made no attempt to find me another
good home. They shook their heads and asked "How could you?"

They are as attentive to us here in the shelter as their busy schedules
allow. They feed us, of course, but I lost my appetite days ago.

At first, whenever anyone passed my pen, I rushed to the front, hoping it
was you that you had changed your mind -- that this was all a bad dream... or
I hoped it would at least be someone who cared, anyone who might save me.

When I realized I could not compete with the frolicking for attention of
happy puppies, oblivious to their own fate, I retreated to a far corner and
waited. I heard her footsteps as she came for me at the end of the day, and
I padded along the aisle after her to a separate room. A blissfully quiet room.

She placed me on the table and rubbed my ears, and told me not to worry.
My heart pounded in anticipation of what was to come, but there was also a
sense of relief. The prisoner of love had run out of days.

As is my nature, I was more concerned about her. The burden which she bears
weighs heavily on her, and I know that, the same way I knew your every mood.

She gently placed a tourniquet around my foreleg as a tear ran down her
cheek. I licked her hand in the same way I used to comfort you so many
years ago.

She expertly slid the hypodermic needle into my vein. As I felt the sting
and the cool liquid coursing through my body, I lay down sleepily, looked
into her kind eyes and murmured "How could you?"

Perhaps because she understood my dogspeak, she said "I'm so sorry." She
hugged me, and hurriedly explained it was her job to make sure I went to a
better place, where I wouldn't be ignored or abused or abandoned, or have
to fend for myself --a place of love and light so very different from this
earthly place.

And with my last bit of energy, I tried to convey to her with a thump of my
tail that my "How could you?" was not directed at her. It was directed at you,
My Beloved Master, I was thinking of you. I will think of you and wait for
you forever. May everyone in your life continue to show you so much loyalty.


   This from (Whizzbang) Pooley

                             HOW LATEX GLOVES ARE MADE

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very
nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't" she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and
workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them
dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But five minutes
later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out

"What's so funny?" he asked.

I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.

Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working.


    From new contributor Stonefish

                                PAUL AND ROLLO

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his
blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone
had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo
while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands,
sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."

The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a
hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing
to the ground 40 floors down.

Just then Paul's date walked out.

"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

"To tell the the truth, " he replied, "he seemed a little depressed to me."


   And from Burnout ...


A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in
Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near the outback. A few days after
moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the
new guy to the region. So he goes next door, but on his way up the drive-way,
he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt this "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome
on hold for the day. The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he
is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees
the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it.  Not wanting to
interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold
for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door,
he sees the Chinese man leading a cow down the drive-way, pause, and then
put his head next to the cow's bum. The Aussie bloke can't handle this,
so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "What the hell is it with your
Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you
running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass,
and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that cow's bum,
it could just about shit on you."

The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry Sir, you do not understand,
these aren't Chinese customs I am performing, but Australian customs."

"What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs."

"Yes they are", replied the Chinese man, "for you see, in order for me
to become a true Australian, I must Chase Chicks, Drink Piss, and listen
to Bull-shit.


Try this from Moonboot

	1. Go to Google

	2. Type in 'the end of the internet'

	3. Click 'I'm Feeling Lucky'

	4. Smile


        Some quickies about voters from Sister Carol ...

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge,
he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying "Free to good home,
You want it you take it".

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice
at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal,
looks to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read "Fridge for sale
$50". The next day someone stole it.

Caution! These people Vote...


While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking
him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?"

When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for
sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that
stuff". .

She ALSO votes!


I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got
a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I
told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He
responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly,
I said, "Uh, Pacific" .

He ALSO votes!


My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard
one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got
on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but
"didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". . .

She ALSO votes!


My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car.  It's designed to cut through
a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

My sister ALSO votes!


My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted
10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2
times 10% and gave us a 20% discount...

He ALSO votes!


I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain
rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's
nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head
is turned.

My friend ALSO votes!


I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost
luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She
smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and
I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?".

SHE ALSO votes!


   This weeks pics are from Burnout, Rowan Davo, Allnutts, Megazorch,
   Cartographer Chris, Rudolf from the West, Moonboot, Whizzbang Pooley,
   Stonefish, Digi Maria, Gropwo, and Justice Jessie.

   From Burnout
Try the Maze Game (Shockwave) Click here

   From John Sando
Yoda's looking a bit ruff Click here

   From Editor Tony (a "Hey Hey ..." fan from way back)
Don't normally read the 'tainment section of the Age, but this was
interesting to see after all this time ... :-) Click here

   And more ...
Rosie just passed on this clip.  Kids get a bit crazy at exam time and create
things like ... The Chinese Backstreet Boys (M$ proprietary WMV movie): Click here

And even more ... I am not sure if all of this can be true...?  Scary if it
is though.  Click here

   From the Kaiser
(Hope these work ... they're .jpgs and the .jpg extensions have dropped off)
 Click here Click here

   From Cartographer Chris: "Ian, After a lot of gym time, I've finally
   mastered the art of 'pec lifts', Chris" (MPG movie): Click here

   More from Burnout
Toilet Paper...........................................check
Bud Light..............................................check
Keystone Ice...........................................check
Red Dog................................................check
Misc. other bottles of alcohol.........................check
Piece of plywood to float your old lady and booze on...check
Next time let's all be more prepared..................
 Click here

   From storeman Brett
Don't piss the missus off when you know she is a nut case
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here 

   From Kiwi Gordon at NZ Telecom
A rework of some old photos, but quite well done:
Small horse (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
Wedding Diary (M$ Powerpoint): Click here 

   From Pooley
At last something useful on the internet (move your mouse left-right to change
the speed; left click to turn around): Click here

   From "Webtribe nomates"
New Beans Meanz No Fartz Click here

Yoga position: Click here Click here

Left an imprint Click here

Revenge Click here

DVD writer Click here

Palm pilot Click here

Rednecks (M$ Powerpoint): Click here

Break-up letters (M$ Powerpoint): Click here

Antique show (M$ proprietary WMV movie): Click here

Prostrate exam (M$ Powerpoint):  Click here

Sand sculpture (M$ Powerpoint): Click here

Oh Crap! (M$ proprietary WMV movie, repeat): Click here

Naming the baby Click here

Weed-whacker wrestling (M$ proprietary WMV movie): Click here

Careful with the yoghurt (M$ proprietary WMV movie): Click here

What the judges saw (M$ Powerpoint): Click here

Why go to Brazil (M$ Powerpoint): Click here

Cleanup (M$ proprietary WMV movie): Click here

Believe it or not (M$ proprietary WMV movie): Click here

Hunk house (M$ Powerpoint): Click here

Bungie surprise (M$ proprietary WMV movie): Click here

Life in a block of flats (Shockwave - a re-run): Click here


      Back to ASCII now and this classic oldie from Stonefish ...


A blonde goes to an electronic store. She goes up to the salesman and says
"I'd like to buy this TV". The salesman replies "Sorry, I don't sell to
blondes." The blonde, very angry goes home.

The next day she dresses up very professionally, pins her hair up and puts on
a pair of glasses. She goes back to the store and says to the same salesman,
"I'd like to buy this TV" The salesman again says, "Sorry but I don't sell
to blondes."

Now the blonde is very angry. The next day she dyes her hair brown and puts
on the glasses and goes back to the store. Again she says to the salesman
"I'd like to buy this TV" and again the salesman replies "Sorry I don't sell
to blondes."

The blonde starts yelling "I'm not blonde, look my hair is brown. Why won't
you just sell be the damn TV?"

The salesman replies "Because it's a microwave".


      And another classic oldie from British Knickers ...


A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten
million bucks. This bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings
along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you
embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million
dollars is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's
temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't
tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,
buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."


   Finally, from UK Smithy

                                BARMEN SUCK ...

A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with a
ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a
stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!"

The scared bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!"

The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!"

The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot; I have a wife and kids! I'll
do whatever you say!"

The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's head and says,
Alright, now suck my cock!"

"Anything!" cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!"

The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he drops
the gun.

The bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to the
crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it!" One of my friends might walk in!"



    "I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the
     set, I go into the other room and read a book.

                - Groucho Marx

[ End Fri humour ]

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