Friday humour - November 04, 2005


     From Tony at Bluehaze:


          And g'day,

      And okay, it's November!  Most of us in Melbourne had last Tuesday off
      for a horse race, would you believe?  No-one in this family bothered
      having a bet this year.  We used to have a TAB (betting) shop a few
      blocks from here, opposite Wattle Park, but they closed up around 2001
      so we haven't bothered since.  Anyway, we sat down and watched it on
      TV, of course, and what an historic event it turned out to be.
      One bookmaker's tale was reported in the Melbourne Age like this:

    "Get to know bookmakers well and punt with them often enough and they
    can be kind old souls, although in Simon Beasley's case sometimes they
    can be too kind. Like at Flemington on Tuesday when, a few hours before
    the cup, his twice-a-year hairdresser approached his rail stands spot
    and introduced him to her boyfriend, saying he wanted to have a wager
    on Makybe Diva. "Sure," said a generous Beasley, "I've got her at $4
    but you can have the $4.20."

    Expecting the boyfriend to have $20, maybe $50 on the champ, Beasley's
    heart skipped a beat when he put his hand in his pocket and handed over
    $5000. "He got me a beauty, but then again, so did plenty of other Makybe
    Diva punters," said Beasley, who held $650,000 on the race but, thanks to
    two outsiders filling the minor placings, escaped with an overall loss of
    $50,000. As for the hairdresser's boyfriend, well he's now $21,000 richer
    (including the extra $1000 he picked up courtesy of Beasley's very
    generous "overs").  For the rest - Click here
     Or read this report on the Cup itself from the SMH - Click here

                                    FH SCOOP

      Just before the humour, we have this scoop courtesy of Burnout.  Our
      poor old Oz PM is still having trouble getting his new "shoot at whim",
      "lock away at whim for sedition" (etc) laws passed, where the new
      interpretation of 'sedition' now seems to include saying anything the
      Government doesn't like.

      I still can't work out why so many seem to object to Honest John having
      his way with all this, but there are at least half a dozen noisy types
      in Oz now who seem to suggesting that the PM is "going overboard" with
      it all.  So on Wednesday, in complete frustration, HJ announced to all
      and sundry that "Oz has just received a credible terrorist threat!!"

      He wouldn't divulge any details, of course, but Burnout has just come
      up with the info, so here we go ... this is a Friday humour exclusive:

    SCOOP: This was the terrorist conversation that was intercepted by
    ASIO last Wednesday:

    "I was travelling on a train from Flinders Street minding my own business
    and wondering if my car would still be at Frankston Station.  Well, you
    know the crime there these days.  Anyway, a man of Middle-eastern
    appearance got off the train and I noticed that he'd left his bag behind.

    I grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him in the station
    and handed him back his bag.  He was extremely grateful, but he looked
    around to make sure nobody was looking and whispered "I can never repay
    your kindness, but I will try to ... with a word of advice: Stay away
    from Frankston."

    "Oh God, is there going to be an attack?" I asked him.

    "No ...", he whispered back, "... it's a shit hole!"
                            --------------------------


       Okay, enough of that - time for some proper nonsense.  First cab
       off the rank this week is Moonboot from the UK.  If you haven't
       seen this one over the past few weeks, enjoy (and if you have -
       enjoy it again):

                            TRIBUTE TO RONNIE BARKER

This was originally shown on on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker
could say all this without a snigger (although God knows how many takes
were required).  The irony is that they received no complaints. The speed of
delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it
without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read ...

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked
very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge and
the other was called Betty Swallocks.  They were really forrible huckers;
they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go
to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.  Her name
was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin
and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who
had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be
back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball,
Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock
struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran
out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the
sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let
off a fig bart.

"Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince.

"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking
brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters
without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack
in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a
hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married.  The pransome hince lived
his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Now another one from a recent FH addict, Stonefish.  It's YABJ ...
        and no, that isn't Rex Hunt, it's -

                         YET ANOTHER BLONDE JOKE

A blonde goes to a beauty parlour to have her hair done. She settles into
the chair wearing headphones connected to a Walkman.

"I'll just remove those headphones", says the attendant.

"Oh no!", replies the blonde. "They have to stay on my head. Just work
around them".

Pretty soon the hairdresser, who's having a hard time dealing with the
headphones, notices that the blonde has gone to sleep. She carefully
removes the headphones and the Walkman, then gets back to work. A couple of
minutes later the blonde slumps down in the chair, apparently passed out.
The hairdresser feels for a pulse and can't find one. An ambulance is called
and when the ambulance officers arrive they find the blonde is dead.

After the ambulance departs with the blonde's body, the hairdresser notices
that the Walkman is still under the counter where she'd put it earlier.
She's very shaken up and decides to put on the headphones to hear whatever
it was the blonde was listening to before she expired. All she hears is a
soft voice saying over and over again: "Breathe in ... breathe out.  Breathe
in ... breathe out."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         Biggus doesn't send much these days - but (as Lee says), they're
         always good.  Here are a couple more:

                               HAUNTED HILLARY

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in
the White House. The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says,
"How can I best serve my country?"

Washington says, "Never tell a lie."

"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears. Hillary says, "How
can I best serve my country?"

Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."

"Ohhhh! I really don't want to do that."

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears. Hillary says, "How
can I best serve my country?"

Lincoln says, "Go the the theatre."

                                === # # # ===

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
"I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then
I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not
to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50
in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to
the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.  The priest,
who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't
put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according
to you, that's the same as putting it in."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Katharina from Rugby sent one in but it was a 2x repeat so I won't
        include it - but thanks Katharina, and I hope things are improving.

        And just on that subject - 60% or 70% of the submissions we get are
        ones we've already run once or twice so we just dump those and try
        to stay with the new contributions.  But don't let that put you off,
        keep sending 'em anyway, okay?
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
        

        And from the Kaiser, this one ...

                     10 REASONS WHY GAY MARRIAGE IS WRONG

1)  Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things
like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

2)  Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that
hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3)  Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy
behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal
standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4)  Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all;
women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is
still illegal.

5)  Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the
sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6)  Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples,
infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our
orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7)  Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents
only raise straight children.

8)  Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours,
the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country.  That's why
we have only one religion in America.

9)  Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at
home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise
children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt
to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector
economy, or longer life spans.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         And from Hollywood Len (currently having a rest from Hollywood ...
         but I'll bet he goes back within 12 months :-), this one:

                                 NAUGHTY RIDDLES

Q:  What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A:  A cherry float.                                        

Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 US leader. 

Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.

Q: What's the difference between sin and shame? 
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q: What's the speed limit of sex? 
A: 68.  When you get to 69, you have to turn around.

Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box? 
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q: Why is air a lot like sex? 
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q: What's another name for pickled bread? 
A: Dill-dough.

Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy? 
A: She's withholding evidence.

Q: What's the difference between light and hard? 
A: You can sleep with a light on.

Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Q: What's the definition of macho? 
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A:  Their balls are just for decoration.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Okay - to a few pics and things now.  First up (from Steve), this
      page which is somewhat X-rated (Paula - put those shades on now).
      Warning - I just tried looking at this but there are so many animated
      GIF images that the PC I'm using overheats.  Good luck:

Too much (X-rated): Click here

      Steve also passed on a Powerpoint version (these are all of Sydney):

 Click here

      Or if your PC (or sensibilities) can't handle that, try (a repeat):

Boobs (also X-rated): Click here

      Then again, if your computer is too slow to handle any of the above,
      here are some of Sydney's original GIFs again:

Lumps? Click here
Peekaboo! Click here
Exercises! Click here
Jiggle! Click here
Wiggle! Click here
And twist! Click here

      Okay, okay - and there was even an SWF game made from Sydney's pics.
      See if you can get through this:

The game: Click here

Bush to you: Click here
Hitler: Click here
Engineering poster: Click here

      This last one of Steve's is one we've already run a cupla times as a
      written joke, but now someone's made a Powerpoint version:

Loving wife: Click here
                            --------------------------


       This one was passed on by a friend of mine in at the ABC.  Like me,
       he's a radio ham.  If you've never heard of Morse Code, just skip
       this one ...

Morse versus SMS: Click here
                            --------------------------

        And from another radio ham friend of mine (Kevin, VK3ZI) ...

My new car: Click here
                            --------------------------


        Tina and the pups sent this collection of MPEG movie clips over ...

Bent supporter: Click here
Off the ropes: Click here
Bikie stunt: Click here
Pulled up: Click here
Good stunt: Click here

        plus this pictorial version of an oldie:

Eden: Click here
                            --------------------------

         And from the ever reliable Maria of the Digi establishment, these
         signs of impending divorce:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
                            --------------------------

         These have been used before, but what the heck ... they're good.
         A few old-time advertisements, re-worked (from Biggus):
        
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
                            --------------------------

         GROPWO passed this on:

Try this sucker: Click here
                            --------------------------

         And from John Sanderson - 

Drift dude: Click here
                            --------------------------

         From the UK and the CHBM (Castle Hill Books mob):

Eye test: Click here
                            --------------------------

         Another new one from Mr Stonefish - it's ...

The drunk clock: Click here
                            --------------------------

         And from Rowan Davo:

                        A FIRST FOR WOMEN'S INSURANCE?

      A woman rented a Citroen C4 in Budapest.  She drove from Budapest to P.
      Approximately 220km.  In 1st gear.  She thought it was automatic.
      Here are the insurance photo's of the engine and the bonnet:

Big revs! Click here Click here Click here Click here
                            --------------------------


      Burnout thought you might appreciate these ...

Bush condom: Click here
Bob the builder's sister: Click here
                            --------------------------

      And Aaron thought you might like this game:

Crazy Pay-Phone: Click here
                            --------------------------


      Now let's dig in to some more of the (UK) Moonboot collection - another
      random grab-bag from the pics and things he sent a few weeks ago ...

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

      Plus a couple of "little dead girl" SWFs:

LDG 1: Click here
LDG 2: Click here
Help me: Click here
Jesus final: Click here
                            --------------------------

      Finally, a few audio bites.  Not humour, I'm afraid - just some
      philosophical discussions that I came across over the past cupla
      weeks on Oz Radio National that I suspect some of you would be
      interested in hearing.  Some weekend or late night listening for
      those of you who can find the time to be challenged ...
      
Should Australia become the world's nuclear dump?  Click here
Would democracy in Iraq really stop terrorism?  Click here
Freedom of the press and digital radio: Click here

  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Okay - back to the UK and Moonboot now, and some quick news grabs:
                            --------------------------


                                 QUOTABLE QUOTES

From The Guardian:"After being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pounds overdraft, 30
year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire
Bank Plc are Fascist B*****ds". The Bank has now asked him to close his
account, and Mr B*****ds has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque,
made out in his new name."

Phreakers, or 'phone hackers', managed to break into the telephone system of
'Weight Watchers' in Glasgow, and changed the outgoing message to 'Hello,
you fat bastard'

From the Churchdown Parish Magazine: "Would the Congregation please note
that the bowl at the back of the Church, labelled "For The Sick", is for
monetary donations only."

From The Scottish Big Issue: 'In Sydney, 120 men named Henry attacked each
other during a "My Name is Henry" convention. Henry Pantie of Canberra accused
Henry Pap of Sydney of not being a Henry at all, but in fact an Angus. "It
was a lie", explained Mr Pap, "I'm a Henry and always will be.", whereupon
Henry Pap attacked Henry Pantie, whilst two other Henrys - Jones and Dyer -
attempted to pull them apart. Several more Henrys - Smith, Calderwood and
Andrews - became involved and soon the entire convention descended into a
giant fist fight. The brawl was eventually broken up by riot police, led by
a man named Shane."

From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed "Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds
to Save Prostitutes": "... the money will not be going directly into the
prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better
life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels."

From The Manchester Evening News: "Police called to arrest a naked man on
the platform at Piccadilly Station released their suspect after he produced
a valid rail ticket."

An elderly woman at a unit for sufferers of senile dementia passed round a
box of mothballs thinking that they were mints. Eleven people were taken to
hospital for treatment.

Following drinking binge in Christchurch, New Zealand, Koto Salaki passed
out - so his friends stripped him and shaved off his eyebrows as a joke.
Getting no reaction, they proceeded to cut off his ear and glue it onto his
forehead. Doctors managed to sew it back on.

After a heavy drinking session in Weymouth in August 1990, 51 year old Philip
Pyne fancied a kip on a bench. To stop himself rolling off, he put 12 nails
through his trousers and in the process, drove several of them through his
leg. Fortunately he was discovered by police.

An operation at Nottingham hospital in January 1989 ended prematurely when
the patient exploded. The casualty, an 82-year-old woman, was undergoing
electrosurgery for cancer. The blast was attributed to an unusual build-up
of stomach gases ignited by the sparks.

                                === # # # ===

       This one's a variation on a repeat, but still good ...

                    THE MAYONNAISE JAR AND 2 CUPS OF COFFEE

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a
day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee ...

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of
him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty
mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the
students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.
He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between
the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They
agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of
course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar
was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and
poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space
between the sand.

The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided," I want you to recognise
that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things--- God, your family, your children,
your health, your friends, and your favorite passions -- things that if
everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house,
and your car.

The sand is everything else -- the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room
for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all
your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the
things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.  Play with
your children.  Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18 holes.
There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal."

Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter. Set your
priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee
represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show
you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a
couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

So share this story with someone you care about ...

                                === # # # ===

       This is a re-run too, although it's a UK version this time ...


                                DOUBLE DARE!

Just for a minute, forget everything stressful and read this ...

Close your eyes and go back in time ...

Before the Internet or the Apple Mac.

Before semi-automatics, joy-riders and crack ...

Before SEGA or Super Nintendo ...

Way back ...

I'm talking about Hide and Seek in the park.

The corner shop.  Hopscotch. Butterscotch. Skipping. Handstands.

Football with an old can.

Fingerbob.

Beano, Dandy, Buster, Twinkle and Dennis the menace.

Roly Poly.

Hula Hoops, jumping the stream, building dams.

The smell of the sun and fresh cut grass.

Bazooka Joe bubble gum.

An ice cream cone on a warm summer night from the van that plays a tune -
Chocolate or vanilla or strawberry or maybe Neapolitan or perhaps a
screwball

Watching Saturday morning cartoons.  Short commercial breaks.

The Double Deckers, Road Runner, He-Man, Zeebedee

Tiswas or Swapshop?, and 'Why Don't You'? - or staying up for Doctor Who.

When around the corner seemed far away and going into town seemed like
going somewhere.

Earwigs, wasps, stinging nettles and bee stings.

Sticky fingers.

Cops and Robbers, Cowboys and Indians, and Zorro.

Climbing trees. Building igloos out of snow banks.

Walking to school, no matter what the weather.

Running till you were out of breath, laughing so hard that your stomach
hurt.

Jumping on the bed. Pillow fights.

Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.

The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.

Water balloons were the ultimate weapon. Football cards in the spokes
transformed any bike into a motorcycle. Choppers and Grifters

Eating raw jelly. Orange squash ice pops.

Remember when there were two types of trainers - girls and boys, and
Dunlop Green Flash - and the only time you wore them at school was for
P.E.

It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.

You didn't sleep a wink on Christmas eve.

When nobody owned a pure-bred dog.

When 2 shillings was decent pocket money. When you'd reach into a muddy gutter
for a penny.

When nearly everyone's mum was at home when the kids got there.

It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.

When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real
restaurant with your parents. You knew everyone in your street - and so did
your parents.

When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed them or use them to carry
groceries and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.

When being sent to the head's office was nothing compared to the fate that
awaited a misbehaving student at home.

Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't because of drive-by
shootings, drugs, gangs etc. Parents and grandparents were a much bigger
threat! - and some of us are still afraid of them!!

"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.

Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly".

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was germs. And the
worst thing in your day was having to sit next to one.

It was unbelievable that 'British Bulldog 123' wasn't an Olympic event.

Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a catapult.

Nobody was prettier than Mum.

Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.

Taking drugs meant orange-flavoured chewable aspirin.

Ice cream was considered a basic food group.

Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.

Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.

If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED.

Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grown up" life...

I DOUBLE-DARE YOU!
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       And a little "quote of the week" (from The National Interest on Oz
       Radio National) ...

Terry Lane:
"I'm going to ask you a question which would require perhaps the rest of
the day to answer, but given your stated respect for Mr Keelty (Australian
Federal Police Commissioner) and given that we know Mr Keelty says that
we are a terrorist target because our Army is in Iraq, did anybody at the
COAG meeting suggest to the Prime Minister that the quickest and surest
way of making the people of Australia safe from terror attacks is to get
out of Iraq?"

John Stanhope (ACT Chief Minister):
"It wasn't a point that I made ... at the table, but I make it publicly and
loudly, constantly.  I am one of those, Terry, that believes (that we should)
genuinely address the root causes of terrorism.  ... (waffle deleted) ...
And for the Prime Minister to continue to refuse to accept the obvious causal
link between the invasion of Iraq and terrorism doesn't help."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Friday humour ]


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