Friday humour - October 28, 2005

     From Davo at bluehaze:


     n : an illegal action inciting resistance to lawful authority and
     tending to cause the disruption or overthrow of the government

Hey - not a word used very often.  But it soon will be after the Man of
Steel's draconian anti-terrorist laws go through.

It would appear that members of the government are free to lie (children
overboard, Iraq) and publish party propaganda (IR "reforms") until the cows
come home but no longer will anyone be able to say anything against their
mingy policies.

It's OK for the Lying Rodent to send our troops to fight an illegal invasion
of an innocent country - without even a debate in the parliament and  based
on lies - yet we will not be allowed to criticise it or even say that the
Iraqis are entitled to fight back.  Penalty: 7 years in the slammer.

Even worse ... press reporters may find themselves guilty of this heinous
crime if they even report what someone else has said, and TV and radio
interviewers may be locked up for inviting some guests onto their programs
should the guest say the "wrong thing".

But let's face it - surveys show that most of you are happy with these
new laws!  Howard and Ruddoch have cleverly put the police "shoot to kill"
clause in as a red herring distracting you from the meat and potatoes.
The shoot to kill law - the one that the majority do find unpopular - is
already on the books.

These laws will only make robust discussion and a variety of views a thing
of the past.  People with adverse opinions of the government of the day
will be forced underground ... the opposite of what should be aimed for.
Communist Russia and Nazi Germany couldn't have drafted these laws any better.

Mind you Kim Beazley and Labor haven't been at all critical of these
draconian changes.  After all, it would be un-Australian to do so, wouldn't it?

Thank God for the few Coalition back-benchers and the Democrats and Greens
who are trying to expose the dangers that these laws will create for future

If there is any time that Australia needed a Bill of Rights, it is now!

Welcome to John Howard's Australia.


    First up, a UK Smithy selection:

                         HOW TO SAVE DELTA FROM BANKRUPTCY

Replace all female flight attendants with good lookin' strippers. What the
hell? The attendants have gotten old and haggard looking. They don't even
serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would double, triple, perhaps quadruple the alcohol consumption
and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked
women. And, of course, every heterosexual businessman in this country would
start flying again hoping to see naked women. Hijackings would come to a
screeching halt and the airline industry would see record revenue.

Why the hell didn't Bush think of this?

Why do I still have to do everything myself?

   Sincerely, Bill Clinton


                                  THE CRUISE

MONDAY AFTERNOON: What a wonderful cruise this is going to be. I felt
singularly honored today as the Captain asked me to dine at his table tonight.

TUESDAY AFTERNOON: I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with the
Captain. He explained everything he was doing and told me there are 1262
passengers on board and he is responsible for everyone's comfort, safety and
having a good time. He is so charming and invited me to dine at his table
again tonight.

WEDNESDAY EVENING: The Captain saw me at the pool this afternoon and invited
me to have dinner in his cabin. His cabin is very cozy and the dinner was
served with the best wines. He made several amorous proposals to me but I
stood firm on my moral convictions.

THURSDAY EVENING: Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship if I do
not give in to his exotic proposals.

FRIDAY MORNING: I saved 1262 lives last night.... twice.


                                TALKING WAR

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk
he opens the floor to questions. One little boy puts up his hand and George
asks him what his name is.


"And what is your question, Billy?"

"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support
of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And
third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" Just then the bell rings for
recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh! That's right! - Question
time. So who has a question?" Another little boy puts up his hand. George
points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve" "And what is your
question, Steve?"

"I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support
of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third,
whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20
minutes early? And Fifth, what the fuck happened to Billy?"


                                    WHAT'S UP?

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this: There is a two-letter
word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that
is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list,
but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are
the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP
a report?

We call UP our friends And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the
silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the
house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP
trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP! is special .

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped
UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem
to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of
UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes
UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If
you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP
is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP,
you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say
it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP When it
rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for a while, things dry
UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP,
so ... time to shut! UP ... !

Oh ... one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the
last thing you do at night?



These arrived from Burnout

                                THE FALL OF STEVE

Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce
and Bluey.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and
tell his wife."

Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave
you the beer?"

"Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said to her,
'You must be Steve's widow'.

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."


Q: How do you stop an Australian woman having sex?

[ Answer below ]


                                   ILLINOIS COWS

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did
some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line
in Illinois for $200.

They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced
lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows
like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However,
whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter
what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he
could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to
ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our
cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When
he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side,
she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they
bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we
got the cow in Illinois?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."


Q: How do you stop an Australian woman having sex?

A: Marry her !


A quickie from Minnesota Scott

                                  BREAKING NEWS

A man was found dead in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene
found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk,
sugar, cornflakes, and sliced bananas.

Police suspect a cereal killer.


A couple from Gropwo


I had parked my car in the supermarket parking lot and was walking past an
empty cart when I heard a female voice say, "Mister, are you using that cart?"

"No," I answered. "I'm only after one thing."

As I walked toward the store, I heard her murmur, "Typical male."


                            WOULD YOU BELIEVE ...

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was
attacked by the Loch Ness monster.

In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then
it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Please help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung
in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't
believe in Me!"

"Come on God, give me a break!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't
believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"


   This weeks pics are from  Burnout, Digi Maria, Moonboot, Muse, Snowfields
   Beryl, Cartographer Chris, Young James, Paula, Allnutts, Rudolf of the west,
   and you know who you are ...

From our new contributor Paula from Canuckchuk in Vancouver - try that with
a mouth full of marbles - which henceforth will be known as Canuckchukland
Store Wars Click here

From Moonboot: I'm gonna add to this but even you aussies came from
africa.... us too (over in the Northern hemosphere)...  but for now listen
to the tunes - I've been up too late & need to sleep Click here

From Mandie M&Ms: Some people just have way too much time on their hands ...
although at least they use their talents for good instead of evil!  Have seen
these pics before, but still good all the same.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

From Rowan Davo: The owner of Chelsea FC - Nice Boats: Click here

More from Paula of Canuckchukland: A superb link about the real estate
market - like the UK, it's pretty frothy here in Vancouver, B.C. with its
40% gains.
Original web site and movie - Click here or just the movie (full screen) - Click here

and ... we can't leave the President of the free world out: Click here

From Burnout and Allnutts: Boooo!  Click here

From UK Smithy Burnout and Allnutts:
The new men's loo at the Sofitel in Queenstown NZ - Click here

From Allnutts: This pic is AMAZING!  In China, they carve watermelons (similar
to what we do at Halloween) - Click here

Be Alert, Not Alarmed Click here

Airbags Click here

Work Click here

Road rage: Click here Click here Click here

Dead duck Click here

Need it now Click here

Queer sermon Click here

Carpenter Click here

Rhythm of Life Click here

Bus dive Click here

Pick up lines Click here

Hitchhiker Click here

Tibetan Personality Test Click here

Jack In The Box Click here

The Village Idiots Click here

Splish Splash Click here


An off joke from Allnutts   [ we publish any shit ... ]

                           WHY TERRORISTS COMMIT SUICIDE

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit

Let's see, now.

No Jesus, no K-Mart, no television, no topless beaches, no rugby, no cricket,
no surfing, no hockey, no golf, no grog, no pre-marital nookey. No pork BBQ,
no hot dogs, no burgers, no lobster, no shellfish (or even frozen fish sticks),
no gumbo, no jambalaya. More than one wife.

Rags for clothes and towels for hats. Constant wailing from the bloke next-door
because he's sick and there are no doctors. Constant wailing from the bloke
in the tower.

No chocolate chip cookies. No Christmas, no Easter, no annual holidays,
no prospects.

You can't shave. Your wives can't shave. You can't shower to wash off the
smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.

The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.

Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey,
but your donkey has a better disposition.

Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!

I mean, really, IS THERE A MYSTERY HERE ????????????


  Finally, from Nottingham Smithy


I've been to the patent office trying to register some of my inventions. I
went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that
had to filled out. She wrote down my personal information and then asked me
what it was that I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay, what do you call it...?"

"A Fottle," I replied.

"What else do you have, she asked...?"

"A folding carton."

"And, what do you call it...?"

"A Farton."

She snickered saying, "Those are silly names for products and one of them
even sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office
without telling her about my folding bucket.


Quote of the Week:

    "It ought to be understood clearly that we are not seeking to limit
     free speech."
              - Philip Ruddock (Australian Attorney General)


[ End Fri humour ]

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