Friday humour - October 21, 2005

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

      I guess most of us in Oz have had a gut-full of political lambasting
      via the opinion sections of the media over the past couple of weeks.
      Personally, I can't really see what people are so worried about.  This
      Government was voted in by a clear majority of Australians, and given
      a majority in both Houses, so they have a clear mandate to do as they
      please.  They'd already made it quite plain (beginning with Peter Reith
      and the waterfront) that they want unions crushed.  And their latest
      draft bill for ammendments to the Crimes Act to explicitly allow police
      to shoot us (if they feel it's "warranted under the circumstances") or
      to lock us away for 14 days without charge and then jail us for 5 years
      if we tell anyone about it.  Heck, that's reasonable - what's wrong
      with that?

      What a bunch of whinging socialists there must be out there!  Honest
      John knows what's best for us.  Just lie back and enjoy the ride!
      Telstra will be sold soon (and probably owned by the Arabs within 10
      or 15 years).  Hey - I heard a glowing review of a new film called
      "ENRON: THE SMARTEST GUYS IN THE ROOM" a couple of days ago, and guess
      what - it seems that they deliberately blacked out bits of California at
      one stage in order to bump up their sagging share price!  People died as
      a result, of course - but this is the free market at work, so it has to
      be good.  (As soon as I heard that one, I must admit that I immediately
      thought of Telstra - I wondered just how long it will be before their
      new owners pull a stunt like that with us?)  Anyway, as I say - most
      of you out there in Oz have asked for this wonderful ride, so do enjoy!

      Oh, BTW - if Friday Humour suddenly disappears, that just means they've
      done a Section 7 (sedition) on us, okay?

      Okay, time for some serious humour - first one being from GROPWO:

1) Go to
2) Type in the word "failure" (without the quotes)
3) Press the I'M FEELING LUCKY button (instead of the google search one)

And hurry, before the good folks at Google notice it ...

           This one drifted in from Stephen's "JokesAreUs" list ...


God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make
your lives better."

And the Arabs asked, "Can you give us an  example?"

"Thou shalt not kill."

"Not kill?  We're not interested."

So, he went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."

And the Mexicans wanted an example,

and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."

"Not steal?  We're not interested."

He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."

The French wanted an example

and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not commit adultery."

"Not commit adultery?  We're not interested."

He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."

"Commandments?" they asked. "How much are they?"

"They're free."

"Good, we'll take 10."

          And a quickie from Burnout ...

                                   THE SAG

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast
table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were
sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds
fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times."

Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples
are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the
other is in your porridge."

          This one floated in from Tina and the Pups ...

                              APPLES AND WINE

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of
falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just take the rotten apples from
the ground that aren't as good, but easy.........

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality,
they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along,
the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Share this with other women who are good apples, even those who have already
been picked!

Now, Men ... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to
women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable
to have dinner with.

           And this one from John over at CUB ...

                              IRISH SAUSAGES

This bloke goes into a shop and asks for Irish Sausages.

The Assistant looks at him and asks, "Are you Irish?"

"If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?  Or,
if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?  Or if
I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?  Or, if
I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican ?  Would ya, ay?
Would Ya?"

The assistant says, "Well no".

"And if I asked you for some Bourbon Whiskey, would you ask me if I was
American?  What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't."

With indignation, the man says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me
if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish Sausages?"

The Assistant replies, "Because you're in Bunnings."

  ( For non-Oz readers, "Bunnings" is a hardware chain ... )

         This one from Digi (or should that be Elvis) Maria ...

                                 TRUE OR FALSE?

   Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a
   lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.

7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6
   years old.

9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search
    for water.

18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning
    their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a
    Gentleman" and "Tootsie."

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white
    paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane,
    just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can
    for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from
    women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

Answers below...

They are all TRUE.... Now go back and think about #16!!!

 [ Well, #3 certainly ain't true.  Not sure about the others ...!   Ed. ]

           And just before the pics, this dreadful one from Biggus:

                                 LOUELLA ARRESTED

In a recent Channel 4 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's
sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on
her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.

Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed
the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle
and tendon damage.

The husband is reported to be in serious but stable condition, and Louella
has been charged with ... a misdewiener.

       Okay, now to the multimedia - and first up, from Tina:

Ve must inspect! Click here

       And some more Maria-pet-pics - cute (M$ Powerpoint):

Pet pics: Click here

       This lot drifted in from Burnout ...

Buggar: Click here Click here Click here
Drat - it popped out (M$ proprietary WMV flick): Click here
Good idea: Click here
Gimme my beer (M$ proprietary WMV flick): Click here
Dodge the bus (M$ proprietary WMV flick): Click here

       Bob and Di thought you may be amused by this one:

Tourette's: Click here

       And from the UK, the Castle Hill Book mob sent these:

The worst named bus company in Finland: Click here
Oh my God ... (M$ proprietary WMV flick): Click here

       Burnout and Kevin (VK3ZI) both passed this on ...
How to reliably detect the presence of terrorists at any airport: Click here

       And a couple from Digi Maria ...

The lift (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
Good car speakers (a repeat, but a classic) - MPG movie clip: Click here

       From Captain Ron:

Yet another way out Jap sign: Click here

        Maddus Mickus (from Stonehenge, UK) sent these:

Which is the cold beer? Click here
Boeing 797: Click here

        And this one from Isk - and a warning, it's terrible cruelty:

Dogs attack crocodile (stupid M$ Powerpoint): Click here

        This one from Rowan Davo:

Motor bike fun: Click here

         Trina sent this one in - not so easy ...

River IQ test: Click here

         And Unix-James reckoned you might be amused by this one ...

Avian Flu (Apple-Mac proprietary MOV clip ... sorry): Click here

         Muse (Canada) passed this one on -

"My son is a WHAT ...?" Click here

         And from Rudolph, it's another ...

Sex flow-chart for guys (and a few girls) ... Click here

         Stephanie sent this one over - it's ...

The new US Defence Dept answering machine: Click here

         And a little more from the amazing Moonboot collection.  As with
         last week, you can check out the still pics via M$ Powerpoint:

Moonboot collection: Click here

         Or you can just click on the individual pics here:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

         and these ...

Featuring in your local department store window ...  Click here
Porche crash (M$ proprietary WMV flick): Click here
Ugly girl (Open standard MPG flick): Click here
Wipe out (M$ proprietary WMV flick): Click here

                         AUDIO BITES (PHILOSOPHICAL)

       In Oz, the name Latham is now synonomous with stirring the heck out
       of his former political party (Labor) and the now largely toothless
       Canberra "press gallery".  So it was amazing to hear a guy from the
       good ol' US of A with a similar sounding name (Lewis Lapham, editor
       of Harper's Magazine) recently giving this talk to the Sydney Writers
       Festival and sounding off in a very similar fashion to Mark.  Lewis
       gives some amazing insights into US politics and their media in
       this speech (and the parallels are striking) ...

Lewis Lapham - "Make-believe Democracy": Click here

       And along similar lines, there was this speech re the local Oz media
       by John Doyle:

Andrew Ollie memorial lecture - "Embargoed against delivery: Click here

    Back to da written stuff and this one from Digo Maria (may be a repeat):

                                  FARMER JOE

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough
to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court,
the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

"Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule
Bessie into the ..."

"I didn't ask for any details,' the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

"Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road --"

"Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident,
this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now
several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe
he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told
the lawyer so.

"Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my
favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this
huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in
the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I
was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol'
Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her
groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He
could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked
at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman
came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said,
'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

           And to finish off for the week, a couple more from Burnout:


   Year 1981

1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes
4. Pope Died

   Year 2005

1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes
4. Pope Died

In future, if Prince Charles decides to re-marry and Liverpool wins another
European crown....  someone please warn the Australian cricket side and
the Pope!

                                 *   *   *   *   *

                                     AS IF ...

   Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.

I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show
for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me
that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and
nails done, cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.

You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after
watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch
me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what
ever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away
to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

   Your ex-wife
                                    -  -  -  -  -

   Dear Ex-Wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far
cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your
constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice (when you cut off all of your hair last week) that the first
thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!"  My mother raised
me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my
favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because
I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price
tag was still on it.  I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had
just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit
my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life
you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't
get a dime from me. So do take care.

PS: I don't know if I ever told you this, but Carl my brother was born
Carla. I hope that's not a problem?


     Rich As Hell and Free!
[ End friday humour ]

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