Friday humour - October 07, 2005

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

     Just before we hit the jokes, here's a sample of a few emails that have
     floated in during the past week or so.  First up, this one from Bob in
     Sydney (wishing Davo a nice break up north):

        Hi Davo,
      I read your usual, screwed up, seditious drivel today, and agree, it's
      time for a long rest.  Cheer up, I presume the Government you hate
      will keep paying you while you are away.  Take that drip Demetriou
      with you.  He needs the break and a new employment opportunity may
      reveal itself.
      It's a great comfort to me to know that we have such great administrative
      talent waiting in the wings when this Government crumbles and you and
      yours step in to show us how it should be done.  Perhaps Keating and
      that nice man Latham will do a Phoenix, recruit the other intellectuals
      and launch the great Socialist Republic of Australia.  All portfolios
      will be staffed by Computer Programmers with Fabian leanings to
      the left.  All Refos will be welcome, and all forms of Terrorism will
      be decriminalised.
      Meanwhile, stay away from crowds, and keep taking the pills.
      PS: Did I tell you the Swans won the Grand Final?
                                   -  -  -  -

     Hmmmm ... okay.  And here's another one from Paul (re my collection of
     2 weeks ago):

          Dear friday humour,
      Just thought I'd write and say thanks for all the jokes in the humour
      archive this week.
      Your waffle about oz politics was very very funny. Isn't that Latham
      guy such a clown?
      The IE vs Firefox piece was just hilarious, especially the list of fixes.
      Couldn't get what the lengthy nonsense about profiling was all about,
      but I'm sure it must be a huge joke as it went on for so long so I
      laughed and laughed just in case.
      Split my sides over the world clock, what a cracker of an idea, and
      so novel!
      All that endless sh!t about sh!t, what can I say? Sh!t!
      So glad you included the email hoaxes about credit cards. Friends and
      acquaintances don't forward on nearly enough of that sort of rubbish.
      Cracked up over the earthlab thingie about a bunch of rocks. I find
      rocks sooooo funny. Rocks - ha ha ha !!!
      At that point I realised I'd be very lucky to find anything humourous to
      cheer myself up and should perhaps go back to plan A which was slitting
      my wrists. Might I suggest renaming the archive. Something catchy like
      FridayBoringTriviaArchive would better capture the feel of the thing.
                                   -  -  -  -

     We had a few positive ones as well, but I'll just show you this one
     from UK Beth since it relates to a particular item that we passed on a
     couple of weeks back ...

              Dear Tony,
       Thanks for publishing Pentagon Strike on the list.  Any subscribers who
       want to know more might find a good place to start.
       Chris (S.O.B.) is an aircraft anorack and has been all his life.  He has
       seen the video on "Strike" and read the other books I have to hand.
       He says the way the supposed plane manoevered before crashing into the
       least occupied side of the Petagon suggests it was probably an airforce
       spy drone, of the kind used to fly over China and the remoter regions of
       the Himalayas.  Its "friendly" transponder signal would have protected
       it from attack by the missile batteries protecting the Pentagon,
       and its radio control would account for the highly skilled acorobatic
       flying supposedly carried out by a novice pilot too weak to fly a Cesna.
       The senators wife on the real Flight 77 rang her husband and said the
       passengers had been told to ring their families to say goodbye.She
       was the only one to make that call out of a plane load of hostages.
       No one else rang home.  Who or what happened to them all is not known.
                                   -  -  -  -

     So there you go - a sample of some of the feedback received during the
     last couple of weeks.  We don't always get comments, BTW - just now
     and again ... (mainly as a function of what gets said in this bit!)

     Onto the humour, philosophy, science, politics, sex, trivia and other
     general nonsense for yet another week.  First up, a couple from Tina:

                                  BLACK TRACKER

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top
End.  On their way to Kakadu, he was describing the abilities of the Australian
Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea.

The Americans were incredulous.  Later in the day, the tour rounded a bend
on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine.
He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high
in the air.

The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate

"Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you
listening for?"

The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute.
It's red.  The left front tyre is bald.  The front end is out of whack and
it has dents in every panel.  There are 9 blackfellas in the back, all
drinking warm sherry.  There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on
the front seat."

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed
knowledge.  "Goddammit man, how do you know all that?" asked one.

The Aborigine replied, "I fell out of the f----ng thing about half an
hour ago."


                              CATHOLIC EDUCATION

Little Tommy was doing very poorly in maths. His parents tried everything ...
tutors, flash cards, special learning centres ...  In short, everything they
could think of to improve Tommy's grades just wasn't working.

As a last ditch effort, they enrolled Tommy in the local Catholic School.

After Tommy's first day at the new school, he came home with a very serious
look on his face.  He didn't even kiss his mother hello, but walked straight
to his room and started studying.

Books and paper were soon spread out all over the room with Tommy hard at work.

His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner, and to her shock,
the minute he was done, he marched right back to his room without a word
and started hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on day after day while his mother tried to understand what was
making the difference.  Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card.
He placed it quietly on the table and walked directly to his room to hit
the books again.

With great curiosity, Tommy's mom opened the report card, and to her delight,
little Tommy got an A+ in math!  She had to know why the Catholic School
had made such a difference, so she went to Tommy's room. "So, what was it?
Was it the nuns?", she asked.

Little Tommy kept his eyes on the ground and shook his head,"No".

"Was it the books... the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?"

Little Tommy again shook his head, "No".

"Then, what was it?"

Little Tommy looked at her, with a fearful expression on his face, and
finally answered,

"Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the
plus sign, I knew they weren't f___ing around".

      This one from our BHP correspondent was originally featured about 6
      years ago, but it's nice to know that some things stay constant over
      at the Dark Side ...


Open a Word document and type:

= rand (200,99)

Press Enter and wait 3 seconds

        And from from our ex-SQL and web page contractor, Lars:

                           WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY ...

Two weeks ago was my birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning.
Anyway, I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy
Birthday," and probably have a present for me.  But she didn't even say
"Good Morning."

I thought, "Well, that's wives for you ... the children will remember."

The children came to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I
walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, "Good morning, boss! Happy
Birthday!"  So I felt a little better ... someone had remembered!

I worked until noon. Then, Jane knocked on my door and said "You know, it's
such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday; let's go and do lunch,
just you and me."

I said, "Okay Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."

We went to lunch.  We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the
country to a little private place.  We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch
tremendously.  On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such
a beautiful day.  We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think
I'll go into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back."

"Sure," I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom, and after a couple of minutes, she came out
carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of
our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there.

On the couch...


        My daughter Rosie's best friend Jen tends to have quite high
        sensitivity to alcohol, so she recently came up with these ...

                          WHEN I GET REALLY P_SSED ...

1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse and phone are.

2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my butt while
   yelling "woo-hoo!" is truly the sexiest dance move around.

3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe
   I could do it too.

4. In my last trip to pee, I realize I now look like a homeless hooker than
   the goddess I was just four hours ago.

5. I drop my 3:00 AM cheeseburger on the floor (which I'm eating even though
   I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.

6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.

7. I get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song plays
   and scream "Oh My God! I Love This Song!"

8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the Greek sitting next to me.

9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or
    dance becomes strangely overwhelming ...

11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them
    half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.

12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.

13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just
    lemonade, but that's because I can no longer taste the gin.

14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.

15. I start every conversation with a booming, "Don't Take This The Wrong
    Way But ..."

16. I fail to notice the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.

17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take down moves.

18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing)
    and take a quick nap.

19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut down on
    the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink

20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm having
    problems walking straight ...

          This one just arrived from our BHP correspondent:


13. They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.

12. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.

11. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.

10. If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.

9.  You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.

8.  Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

7.  The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

6.  When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

5.  The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

4.  You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just

3.  No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes!

2.  You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane!

         and last but not least...

1.  All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

          And from the ever reliable Maria of the clever Digit:

                             SHERIFF ARPAIO

To those of you not familiar with Joe Arpaio, he is the Maricopa Arizona
county sheriff and he keeps getting elected over and over.

This is one of the reasons why:

Sheriff Joe Arpaio (in Arizona) who created the "tent city jail":

He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them.

He stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails. Took away their
weights. Cut off all but "G" movies.

He started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on county and
city projects.

Then he started chain gangs for women so he wouldn't get sued for

He took away cable TV until he found out there was a federal court order
that required cable TV for jails. So he hooked up the cable TV again only
let in the Disney channel and the weather channel.

When asked why the weather channel he replied, so they will know how hot
it's gonna be while they are working on my chain gangs.

He cut off coffee since it has zero nutritional value.

When the inmates complained, he told them, "This isn't the Ritz/Carlton.
If you don't like it, don't come back."

He bought Newt Gingrich' lecture series on videotape that he pipes into
the jails.

When asked by a reporter if he had any lecture series by a Democrat, he
replied that a democratic lecture series might explain why a lot of the
inmates were in his jails in the first place.  More on the Arizona Sheriff:

With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just
set a new record), the Associated Press reports: About 2,000 inmates living in
a barbed-wire-surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County Jail have been
given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts.

On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their
bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 degrees inside the
week before.

Many were also swathed in wet, pink towels as sweat collected on their chests
and dripped down to their pink socks.

"It feels like we are in a furnace," said James Zanzot, an inmate who has
lived in the tents for 1 year. "It's inhumane."

Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago
started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not
one bit sympathetic He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates:
"It's 120 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and
they have to wear full battle gear, but they didn't commit any crimes,
so shut your damned mouths!"

Way to go, Sheriff! Maybe if all prisons were like this one there would be
a lot less crime and/or repeat offenders. Criminals should be punished for
their crimes - not live in luxury until it's time for their parole, only to
go out and commit another crime so they can get back in to live on taxpayers
money and enjoy things taxpayers can't afford to have for themselves.

          Okay - lots of pics and other multimedia this week.  First one's
          a variation on the bubble bouncer, from Rob White:

Floating George: Click here

          Maayan (Capetown) has almost been behaving herself lately by the
          sound of it - and she sent in this interesting collection:

Japanese proverb: Click here
David Copperfield: Click here
Toilets of the world: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
What to eat (M$ Powerpoint): Click here

         Our Illinois correspondent, Nestor, saw this one at a recent
         microscopy conference:
EMS Music Poster: Click here

         Tina sent these in:

Blonde Star (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here
Every office should have one of these (M$ WMV movie clip) ... Click here
Woof! (Well, woof to you too, Fido): Click here

         Brett (our Limewire and Bittorrent specialist) sent these:

How not to tow a boat (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here
Clowning around in NY (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here

         Another massive collection from Moonboot this week (and this is
         only about 15% of what he's sent):

Mona Lisa updated: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Really, really tired: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
A miscellaneous collection (some are a bit naughty) ...  Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here
Get rid of that girl! (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here
Karting shots (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here
Peeing can be useful (Shockwave): Click here
Road blocks (Shockwave): Click here
Bondi-vision (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here
Stop the bank robbers (Shockwave): Click here
Newscasters on the job (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here
Sexy table: Click here
Nice song from the late and great Brenda Fassie (South African) - MP3: Click here

          And from Sydney Bob (yep - the same), an audio version of one
          we've had before in text form:

Morton mud crab (MP3): Click here

       Biggus passed on this (silent) one - it's an interesting style ...

Mortor: Click here

        This one from Rowan Davo has an opening story to go with it ...

                                ONE TOUGH MULE

A couple from Montana were out riding on the range, he with his rifle and
she (fortunately) with her camera. Their dogs always followed them, but
on this occasion a mountain lion decided that he wanted to stalk the dogs
(you'll see the dogs in the background watching).  Very, very bad decision...

The hunter got off the mule with his rifle and decided to shoot in the air
to scare away the lion, but before he could get off a shot the lion charged
in and decided he wanted a piece of those dogs. With that, the mule took
off and decided he wanted a piece of that lion. That's when all hell broke
loose... for the lion.

As the lion approached the dogs the mule snatched him up by the tail
and started whirling him around. Banging its head on the ground on every
pass. Then he dropped it, stomped on it and held it to the ground by the
throat.  The mule then got down on his knees and bit the thing all over a
couple of dozen times to make sure it was dead, than whipped it into the
air again, walked back over to the couple (who were stunned in silence)
and stood there ready to continue his ride... as if nothing had just happened.

Fortunately even though the hunter didn't get off a shot, his wife got off
these ...  Click here Click here Click here Click here

        Burnout passed this one on ...

A real gentleman (M$ WMV movie clip): Click here

        And an old mate, Kevin VK3ZI (now working at Melb Uni) thought
        you might appreciate this thought ...

Bush dead! Click here

        Finally - a serious audio bite for that spare half-hour when
        you feel like hearing about what's really going over in Iraq.
        It's from a reporter who's spent a lot of time there lately:

Robert Fisk chats to Phillip Adams about Iraq and the Middle East -
from Sept 29, 2005 (MP3): Click here

        Okay - back to some written stuff to finish off the week's collection.
        From a new contributor (Rudolph) who writes "Enjoy your site, hope you
        find this worthy of including into your archives. (Was sent to me by
        a friend)
          Regards, Rudolf. (Albany, W.A)"

        It's a variation on one we ran several years ago, updated somewhat:

                            COMMON SENSE OBITUARY

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has
been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago
lost in bureaucratic red tape.  He will be remembered as having cultivated
such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm;
life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing
regulations were set in place.  Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with
sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for
using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly
student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job
which they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent
to administer Tylenol, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but
could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to
have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband;
churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than
their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when a person couldn't defend himself from a
burglar in his own home and the burglar can sue for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her
lap and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his
wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.  He is
survived by three stepbrothers: I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame,
and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.  If you
still remember him pass this on, if not join the majority and do nothing.

           Now to Canada and this one from Muse ...

                                OH THOSE OLD FOLKS

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the
next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his
fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down
the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the
lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad
passionate love to the man right there in the boat ! When they finished,
the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just
experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they
came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate
love to him again.This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he
asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when
they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or
down ?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the
river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,
"Up or down ?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal?
Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made
mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I
thought the choices were fuck or drown."

          Next, it's to CUB and bottling line B1 and these from John K:

                                 AUSSIE JOB

This would be funny if it weren't so true.

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN
JAPAN) for 6am. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he
shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress
shirt MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis
shoes (MADE IN KOREA).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA)
he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could
spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE
IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search
for a good paying Australian JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to
relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself
a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN
INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in


                              NAKED ACCIDENT

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was
thrilled with the speed. "If I do 150mph will you take off your clothes?"
he asked.

"Yes" said the girl.

When he got to 150mph, she peeled off her clothes. The boyfriend couldn't
keep his eyes on the road,and soon went off into the woods, crashing the
car. She was flung clear of the wreckage, but he was stuck between the
steering wheel and the seat.

"Go and get help" he cried

"But I can't, I'm naked and my clothes are gone" said the girl.

"Take my shoe and cover your fanny Go quickly"

She came up on a service station and said to the bloke behind the counter

"Quick help me, my boyfriend's stuck"

The bloke looked at the shoe and said "There's nothing I can do lady, he's
in way too far."


                                NO FLIES ON HIM

A cowboy in Texas got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding.  The trooper
started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to
throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable. Finally,
the trooper got around to writing out the ticket.  As he was doing that,
he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy said, "Having some problem with Circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what
they are. I never heard of Circle flies."

So the cowboy says, "Well, circle flies are common on ranches. See, they're
called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the
back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a
minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The cowboy says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement
and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing
the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

            And this from moonboot ...

                              TOOTH OR FICTION

A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls
out a freezing needle to give the man.

"No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

"I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is
 suffocating to me!"

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

"No,"- the patient says, -"I am fine with pills".

The dentist then returns and says, "Here is a Viagara tablet."

The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagara worked as a pain pill!"

"It doesn't," said the dentist "but it will give you something to hold
 onto when I pull out your tooth."

           And finally for the week, this one - sent in by two of our
           regulars - Digi Maria and GROPWO:

                          LOOK OUT - THEY'VE STARTED ...

Bush has just released a statement following his investigation into the New
Orleans disaster - The blame is being put on a Muslim suicide plumber.


President Bush has asked for pop groups to stage a benefit concert for the
victims of New Orleans.  However, Katrina and the Waves have been told to
f*ck off.


Mayor of New Orleans has denied rumours the Mardi Gras is cancelled.  He
expects a record number of floats this year on Main St.


Five black men in purple dinner jackets and bow ties were found floating today
under a pier in New Orleans.  DNA tests later identified them as The Drifters.
Rumour has it they were under the boardwalk down by the sea.


Hurricane Katrina, typical female!
When she came, she was warm wild and wet.
When she left, she took the house and contents with her.


Two planeloads of volunteers left Liverpool airport today bound for New
Orleans to assist with the looting.
[ End Friday humour ]

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