Friday humour - September 30, 2005


     From Davo at bluehaze:

     G'day

 I'm trekking north for the next three weeks in search of some sun and surf
 on the Sunshine and Gold Coasts.  So you won't have to skip my editorials
 as Tony holds the fort.  However, for the thinking minority, here's a little
 serve of a few little things to ponder ...

 It's arrived.  Big Brother is watching.  Our wonderful PM, the Honourable
 John Winston Lying Rodent Howard has finally convinced all the Labor State
 Premiers to jump on board with his new improved anti-terror laws.  Of course
 they would be seen to have been "un-Australian" to have resisted.

 So it would seem that ASIO and the police will be able to lock anyone away
 for 14 days without charge.  Of course they will have to convince a judge
 that the incarceration is necessary.  But!!!  The evidence they submit to the
 judge does not have to be made available to the prisoner.

 So ... some innocent people will in all probability be locked away and not
 even know why.  Welcome to John Howard's Australia.

 It's all very well for many of you (probably the majority) to think that this
 will not affect you and yours.  Let's just wait and see.  If the government
 can deport a peace activist back to America without having to say why -
 it can do anything.

 I foresee a breakdown of social cohesion.  The government has vilified asylum
 seekers, as they see that as a winner.  When these new laws come in, I expect
 many seemingly responsible parents will tell their children not to "consort"
 with anyone who is a Muslim or of Middle Eastern appearance.  Otherwise they
 may fall foul of the authorities.

 It will breed a new underclass of citizens and, frankly, it will trigger off
 terrorist thoughts in those who are isolated by these new draconian laws.

 If only the Man of Steel hadn't sent our troops to invade Iraq on false
 grounds, Australia wouldn't have become such a target, and could have
 actually led the way instead of inflaming the problem.

 And what is the Honourable Opposition doing throughout all of this.  Well,
 Mr. me-too Kim Beazley seems to be sitting on his hands offering what can
 only be described as Liberal Lite.

 As Michelle Grattan says in The Age:

 "All the action plans in the world can be negated if young Muslims are pushed
  to the fringe of society, not because they have done anything, but because
  a jittery community worries they might.  By arming the authorities to ensure
  these people don't pose a threat, we might just help turn them into one."
  Click here

 Bluehaze Eyewitness Newsroom Latest ...
 ---------------------------------------

 Remember the Bakhtiyari family?

 They were the ones deported at midnight the day before New Years Eve, as they
 had embarrassed the government.  It didn't get much press as the government
 timed it well to be lost in the holiday festivities.

 The reason they were deported (according to the Immigration Department) was
 that they were "lying about where they came from".  So the government duly
 deported them to Pakistan.

 The Bakhtiyari family immediately headed for Afghanistan where (as has now
 been confirmed) they came from.  They were telling the truth all along.

 But the Honourable Attorney General Phillip Ruddoch, who was Immigration
 Minister for most of their 5 year incarceration, has now said that the
 only reason that they were deported was because they were "unauthorised
 arrivals".  One has to wonder if he's ever understood the UNHCR obligations
 regarding refugees.  I expect he does - but he probably also knows that the
 majority of you don't care.

 Have a nice day.


 Tortured Guantanamo Bay prisoner David Hicks is soon to go before a US
 military hearing.  One would have thought that a great democracy like America
 might have accorded him a fair trial after five years, but I suppose they
 can't concoct one that absolutely will find him guilty of something.  After
 all, if the Yanks were going to incarcerate everyone guilty of "aiding the
 enemy" in a war that hadn't even been declared, then their prisons would have
 to become skyscrapers.  Good luck to Hicks with his application to become
 a British citizen.  Maybe there is just a little bit of good old fashioned
 British justice left in Tony Blair.  There's none displayed with the divide
 and conquer philosophies of Howard, Downer, and Ruddoch.

 Now, before the funnies, Burnout has sent in this interesting web site under
 the label "sick conspiratorial idiots" but it's not the first reference I've
 heard about the 747 that hit the Pentagon on 9/11 not actually being a 747.
 The plot thickens ...  Click here

      ~~~~~~b~~~~~~l~~~~~~u~~~~~~e~~~~~~~h~~~~~~a~~~~~~z~~~~~~e~~~~~~


 First up this week it's a contribution from Eric's treetop in South Africa:

                WE'RE JUST A FEW DINOSAURS SHORT OF A FULL TANK

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on April 16, 2000.)

If you've been to a gas station lately, you have no doubt been shocked by the
prices: $1.67, $1.78, even $1.92.  And that's just for Hostess Twinkies.  Gas
prices are even worse.

Americans are ticked off about this, and with good reason: Our rights are
being violated!  The First Amendment clearly states: 'In addition to freedom
of speech, Americans shall always have low gasoline prices, so they can
drive around in `sport utility' vehicles the size of minor planets.''

And don't let any so-called ''economists'' try to tell you that foreigners
pay more for gas than we do.  Foreigners use metric gasoline, which is sold in
foreign units called ''kilometres,'' plus they are paying for it with foreign
currencies such as the ''franc,'' the ''lira'' and the ''doubloon.'' So in
fact there is no mathematical way to tell WHAT they are paying.

But here in the U.S., we are definitely getting messed over, and the
question is: What are we going to do about it?  Step one, of course, is
to file a class-action lawsuit against the cigarette companies.  They have
nothing to do with gasoline, but juries really hate them, so we'd probably
win several hundred billion dollars.

But that is a short-term answer.  To truly solve this problem, we must
understand how the oil business works.  Like most Americans, you probably
think that gasoline comes from the pump at the gas station.  Ha ha!  What an
idiot.  In fact, the gasoline comes from tanks located UNDER the gas station.

These tanks are connected to underground pipelines, which carry large oil
tankers filled with oil from the Middle East.

But how did the oil get in the Middle East in the first place?  To answer
that question, we must go back millions of years, to an era that geologists
call the Voracious Period, when giant dinosaurs roamed the Earth, eating
everything that stood in their path, except for broccoli, which they hated.

And then, one fateful day (Oct. Cool, a runaway asteroid, believed by
scientists to be nearly twice the diameter of the late Orson Welles, slammed
into the Earth and killed the dinosaurs, who by sheer bad luck all happened to
be standing right where it landed.  The massive impact turned the dinosaurs,
via a process called photosynthesis, into oil; this oil was then gradually
covered with a layer of sand, which in turn was gradually covered by a layer
of people who hate each other, and thus the Middle East was formed.

For many years, the Middle East was content to supply the United States with
as much oil as we wanted at fair constitutional prices.  But then the major
oil-producing nations -- Saudi Arabia, Iran, Iraq, Kuwait and Texas -- got
all snotty and formed an organization called OPEC, which stands for ''North
Atlantic Treaty Organization.'' In the 1970s, OPEC decided to raise prices,
and soon the United States was caught up in a serious crisis: The Disco Era.

It was horrible.  You couldn't go to a bar or wedding reception without being
ordered onto the dance floor to learn ``The Hustle.''

At the same time, we also had an oil crisis, which was caused by the fact
that every motorist in the United States was determined to keep his or her
automobile gas tank completely filled at all times.  As soon as your gas
gauge dropped from ''Full'' to ''Fifteen-sixteenths,'' you'd rush to a gas
station and get in a huge line with hundreds of other motorists who also
had nearly full tanks.  Also a lot of people, including me, saved on heating
oil by buying kerosene space heaters, which enabled us to transform a cold,
dank room into a cold, dank room filled with kerosene fumes.

Buying gas and dancing ''The Hustle'' with people who smelled like kerosene:
That was the '70s.

So anyway, the oil crisis finally ended, and over time we got rid of our
Volkswagen Rabbits and replaced them with Chevrolet Suburbans boasting the
same fuel economy as the Pentagon.  Now, once again, we find ourselves facing
rising gas prices, and the question is: This time, are we going to learn
from the past?  Are we finally going to get serious about energy conservation?

Of course not!  We have the brains of mealworms!  So we need to get more oil
somehow.  As far as I can figure, there's only one practical way to do this.

That's right: We need to clone more dinosaurs.  We have the technology,
as was shown in two blockbuster scientific movies, ''Jurassic Park'' and
''Jurassic Park Returns with Exactly the Same Plot.'' Once we have the
dinosaurs, all we need is an asteroid.  Or, if he is available, Michael Moore.

If this plan makes sense to you, double your medication dosage, then write
to your congressperson.  Do it now!  That way you'll be busy when I siphon
your tank.

       ~~~~~~b~~~~~~l~~~~~~u~~~~~~e~~~~~~~h~~~~~~a~~~~~~z~~~~~~e~~~~~~

And a couple from Minnesota Scott

                                 FAST RIDE

A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks.  He wanted a truck.
She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic
around town.  He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck.
Everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few
seconds.  Nothing else will do.  My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"

He did just that.  For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Nobody has seen or heard from him since.

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                   WOMEN'S KEY WORDS AND WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN

FINE: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we
are right about but need to shut you up.  NEVER use "fine" to describe how
a woman looks.  This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES: This is a half an hour.  It is equivalent to the five minutes
that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash,
so I feel that it's an even trade.

NOTHING: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing"
is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn
you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an
argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare -- one that will result in
a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (with normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "Do what you want
because I don't care."  You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few
minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about
"Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement
very misunderstood by men.  A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot
at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing."

SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one
of the few things that some men actually understand.  She is content.  Your
best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can say
to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before
paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay"
is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised
eyebrow "Go Ahead."  At some point in the near future when she has plotted
and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO: This is not a statement; it is an offer.  A woman is giving you
the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing
whatever it is that you have done.  You have a fair chance to tell the truth,
so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS: A woman is thanking you.  Do not faint; just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT: This is much different from "THANKS."  A woman will say, "Thanks
A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you.  It signifies that you have hurt
her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh."  Be care
not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you,
"Oh, Nothing."

     ~~~~~~b~~~~~~l~~~~~~u~~~~~~e~~~~~~~h~~~~~~a~~~~~~z~~~~~~e~~~~~~

This from UK Smithy

                            SOME ENCHANTED EVENING

I saw you across a crowded room.  Among all the others that were there, The
lights seemed to shine down on you alone.  I knew then I had to have you for
my own.

Willingly, you came with me to my home.  From the car, I carried you & threw
the door.

Looking at you, I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts.  Slowly
I remove what wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you like a
glove.  Exposing your tender white skin.

>From your neck I remove your charms and carry you off in my arms, to the
warm water that awaits.

The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then,
making your legs glisten with wetness.  Droplets of water cover your taut skin.

My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads of water.  Making
them trickle down off your body.

I place my fingers inside you.  You are warm and moist, so ready.  I carry
your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put inside you
what was well prepared to enter you before we even came through the door.

As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide.  You are ready now and
so am I.

I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can take in.

I put in more, you take it willingly.  In anticipation, faster and faster I put
it in, pushing it in deeply as far as I can, until I can't put any more in, you
are so tight.  With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it,

I make you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices escape from
within.  Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft
and tender.

I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste so good.

Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating you
more, with every taste.

"Oh yes", I say to you,

"I must say Grace"

"Thank God for Butterball turkey....  Amen"

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And from Biggus aka FiFi

                                  MOSES AND BUSH

Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President
Bush encountered a man with silver hair, wearing a white robe and sandals,
holding a staff.

President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?"  The man
never answered but just kept staring ahead.

Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.  The man just kept staring
ahead, never answering the president.  Soon a secret service agent came along
and President Bush grabbed him and said, "Doesn't this man look like Moses
to you?"

The secret service agent agreed with the President.

"Well," said the President, "Every time I say his name, he just keeps
staring ahead and refuses to speak.  Watch!"  Again, the President yelled,
"Moses!" and again the man stared ahead.

The secret service man went up to the man in the white robe and whispered,
"You look just like Moses.  Are you Moses?"

The man leaned over and whispered, "Yes, I am Moses.  But the last time I
talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert!"

       ~~~~~~b~~~~~~l~~~~~~u~~~~~~e~~~~~~~h~~~~~~a~~~~~~z~~~~~~e~~~~~~

More from Eric's tree

                                   CHARLIE AND LUCY

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat
of their commode.

Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out.  He left to take care
of another matter before she returned.

She came in, undressed to take a shower, and before getting in the shower
sat on the commode.  As she tried to stand up, she realized that the drying
paint had glued her to the commode seat.

About that time, Charlie returned home and realized her predicament.  They
both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.

Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the commode seat bolts, Lucy wrapped
a sheet around herself, and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free
her.  Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of all by saying, "Well, doctor,
I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

He replied, "Actually, I've seen a lot of them, I just never saw one FRAMED!"

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   From British Ted and Mayaan:

                            DONALD AND GEORGE

Donald Rumsfeld is giving President Bush his daily briefing.  He concludes
by saying, "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!"  Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as
the president sits, head in hands.

Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion, anyway?"

        ~~~~~~b~~~~~~l~~~~~~u~~~~~~e~~~~~~~h~~~~~~a~~~~~~z~~~~~~e~~~~~~


       And from the Digi lady

              SOMEWHERE IN THE USA THERE IS A SEED OF COMMON SENSE

                      We The People.....  Of The United States

The following has been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Aye from
GA.  This guy should run for President one day...

"We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone
get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our
nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt free
liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try
one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the
terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal bed-wetters.

We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are
confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of
NON-Rights."

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any
other form of wealth.  More power to you if you can legally acquire them,
but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended.  This country is
based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you!  You
may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.;
but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm.  If you stick a
screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool
manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing.  Americans are
the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need,
but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation
of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation
of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care.  That would be nice,
but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public
health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people.  If
you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised
if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others.  If you
rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be
surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where
you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job.  All of us sure want you to
have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you
to take advantage of the opportunities of education andvocational training
laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness.  Being an American means
that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot
easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiots created by
those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country.  We don't care where you
are from, English is our language.  Learn it or go back to wherever you came
from! (lastly....) NOW..

ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or
heritage.  This country was founded on the belief in one true God.  And yet,
you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith
at all; with no fear of persecution.  The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of
our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!!!!

If you agree, share this with a friend.  No, you don't have to, and nothing
tragic will befall you if you don't.  I just think it's about time common
sense is allowed to flourish.  Sensible people of the United States speak
out because if you do not, who will?

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    From Allnuts

                          ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT?
                           (Senior Citizen Version)

Are you lonesome tonight?
Does your tummy feel tight?
Did you bring your mylanta and tums?
Does your memory stray,
To that bright sunny day,
When you had all your teeth and your gums?
Is your hairline receding?
Your eyes growing dim?
Hysterectomy for her,
And its prostate for him.
Does your back give you pain?
Do your knees predict rain?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

Is your blood pressure up?
Good cholesterol down?
Are you eating your low fat cuisine?
All that oat bran and fruit,
Metamucil to boot.
Helps you run like A well oiled machine.
If it's football or baseball,
He sure knows the score.
Yes, he knows where it's at
But forgets what it's for.
So your gallbladder's gone,
But your gout lingers on,
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

When you're hungry, he's not,
When you're cold, he is hot,
Then you start that old thermostat war.
When you turn out the light,
He goes left and you go right,
Then you get his great symphonic snore.
He was once so romantic,
So witty and smart;
How did he turn out to be such
A cranky old fart?
So don't take any bets,
It's as good as it gets,
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has left the building.

       ~~~~~~b~~~~~~l~~~~~~u~~~~~~e~~~~~~~h~~~~~~a~~~~~~z~~~~~~e~~~~~~


This weeks pics are from Digi Steve, Mad Mick of Marwick, Allnutts, Digi
Maria, Moonboot, Brett Dude, the Minerals cake-maker (her's is the clean
one!), Grumpy John, Little Di, Megazorch, Leunig and Golding from The Age,
and Leahy from the Courier Mail ...

From Moonboot: Craziness AKA Madness - here's the game version of it.
BTW, it's hard ...
1. The original Shockwave: Click here
2. And now - THE GAME!  Click here - and the cheats: Click here 


From Mad Mick of Marwicks "Something really weird for you to check out -
click on this:" Click here

... and ...

One of my mad friends sent me this.  Run your mouse cursor over the horsemen
and tell me ... how they do that???  Click here

Djandas said:
Those Clever Canadians (Counterfeit Alert)
Due to the global war on terrorism, many terrorist organizations have had
their finances frozen.  So they have resorted to counterfeiting.
The Canadian government has decided to redesign their currency to prevent
the hard line Islamists from even as much as touching it!  Thus far it
has also had a very positive effect on tourism...
 Click here Click here Click here

Inspiration Click here

Stevo's belly buttons: Click here Click here Click here Click here

Different cultures Click here

In the news: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Katrina aftermath Click here

Top man Click here

Mad Mick & Megazorch's selections
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Northern terrorist Click here

Pepsi Twist Click here

Impressed Click here

Rules for the ageing Click here

Bright crowd Click here

Happy gang Click here

Reef and rears Click here

Bad day at the rodeo Click here

Going off Click here

Bonfire Click here

Dinner is served Click here

Casanova Click here

Peter the Phantom Puller Click here

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This from Digi Maria

                                 THE NUN'S STORY

Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds
visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.

As luck would have it a petrol station was just a block away.  She walked to
the station to borrow a petrol can and buy some petrol.

The attendant told her the only petrol can he owned had been loaned out but
she could wait until it was returned.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and
walked back to her car.  She looked for something in her car that she could
fill with petrol and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.  Always
resourceful she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with petrol,
and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the petrol into her tank two men watched from across
the street.

One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.''

      ~~~~~~b~~~~~~l~~~~~~u~~~~~~e~~~~~~~h~~~~~~a~~~~~~z~~~~~~e~~~~~~

A couple more from Nottingham

                                 LONG COLD WINTER

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief
if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.  Since he was a Chief in
a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets.  When he looked
at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was
indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect
firewood to be prepared.  But being a practical leader, after several days he
got an idea.  He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service
and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at
the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more
firewood in order to be prepared.  A week later he called the National Weather
Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be
a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every
scrap of firewood they could find.  Two weeks later the Chief called the
National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is
going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going
to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

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This collection from John K, Sarge, et al on the CUB B1 bottling line

                                TRUE STORIES

If experience is the best teacher, these criminals need more experience.  These
true stories were gleaned from police records across the country....

LICENSE TO STEAL Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by
running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck.  Instead
of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper
off the truck.  They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to
the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their license
plate still attached to the bumper.

IN THE BAG A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the
customs counter.  While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it
odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was.  The officer then asked
the tourist to demonstrate his swing.  He did backwards.  A substantial amount
of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

MADE FOR TV Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights
for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have
her husband shot.  She was sentenced to four years in jail.

DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?  A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal
to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence.  For
payment, he provided the court a forged check.  He got his prison term back,
plus eight more years.

YOU MEAN ME?  A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously
waving revolvers.  The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"When his partner moved,
the startled first bandit shot him.

DEADHEADS A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for
driving alone in the carpool lane.  He claimed that the four frozen cadavers
in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted.  The judged ruled that
passengers must be alive to qualify.

THIS WOULD BE ME The judge called the case of People vs.  Steven Lewon
Crook.  The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, "Crook,
come forward."  Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.

LEARN YOUR LESSON When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a
traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher.  The judge rose from the
bench."Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before
this court," he smiled with delight."Now sit down at that table and write
'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."

AHH, THAT'S BETTER!  A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too
far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of
five robberies and a kidnapping.  The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.

OOPS!  I BLEW THAT ONE!  A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried
this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window
and removed a few trifling articles.  His arm is not himself, and I fail
to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by
his limb.""Well put," the judge replied."Using your logic, I sentence the
defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment.  He can accompany it or not, as
he chooses."The defendant smiled.  With his lawyer's assistance he detached
his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

       ~~~~~~b~~~~~~l~~~~~~u~~~~~~e~~~~~~~h~~~~~~a~~~~~~z~~~~~~e~~~~~~


Finally a quickie from Allnutts

                               TWO BLONDES

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.  One would
dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.  They
worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the
next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole,
the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they
were doing.  So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you
two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole,
only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably
looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.  But today the girl
who plants the trees called in sick."

       ~~~~~~b~~~~~~l~~~~~~u~~~~~~e~~~~~~~h~~~~~~a~~~~~~z~~~~~~e~~~~~~


Quote of the Week:

                               THE KATRINA AFTERMATH

   "I have overseen over 150 presidentially declared disasters.  I know what
    I am doing.  And I think I do a pretty darn good job of it."

         Michael Brown - former director of the US Federal Emergency
         Management Agency

       ~~~~~~b~~~~~~l~~~~~~u~~~~~~e~~end~~h~~~~~~a~~~~~~z~~~~~~e~~~~~~


[ End Fri humour ]


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