Friday humour - September 23, 2005


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

           G'day,
      This'll only mean anything to those of us who live in the land of Oz,
      but I have to say that I'm bitterly disappointed that Mark Latham has
      (apparently) quit the world of politics and the Oz Labor Party.  My
      feeling is that Mark (a) had real ideals that he was prepared to chase,
      and (b) was a great sh_t slinger - we all watched our Oz PM cringe at
      many of Mark's tirades across "the lower house" (parliament) in a way
      that no other Labor politician has managed since Paul Keating and Bob
      Hawke left.

      So many politicians, ex-politicians, and political journalists alike
      are now diving for cover because Mark has just published this expose'
      of his turbulent time "at the top" in the book 'The Latham Diaries'.
      It's quite funny to watch.

      Most people mentioned in the book are predictably crying "Foul!" and
      suggesting that he's "lost it".  Well, I reckon he's simply done
      something totally unique in Oz politics and the media - he's told
      the truth.  I don't think such a thing has ever happened before,
      which is why so many people (the "two-faced" and back-stabbing
      types - around 90% of the Canberra political scene) are now diving
      for cover.  Crikey.com has some interesting thoughts - Click here

      And Barnaby Joyce ... well, I do give up.  This guy's entire election
      platform was based on "Don't sell Telstra".  So, he got elected ... and
      a cupla weeks ago, he voted to sell Telstra.  Yep - this is Oz politics,
      folks ... the land of "core promises" and all the others.  But we don't
      call them "lies" now, do we?  Well, we should - but the current crop of
      media journalists in Oz are largely gutless wonders.

      One bit of housekeeping.  Firstly, this email from Burnout:

          "Hello Bluehaze,
        After being brutalised by some spyware a couple of days ago, I have
        rebuilt enough of my system drive so that I can websurf and send email
        again.  This time, I loaded Thunderbird as my email program rather
        than Outlook.  I had been using Firefox mostly for sufing around the
        web - some "IE" was required from time to time, but not any more!
        From now on, if I can't get something on Firefox or Thunderbird,
        I didn't need it in the first place.
          Regards, Burnout"

      Well done, Burnout.  But all Firefox users should note the following
      recent announcement:

       ===========================================================
  Mozilla have made Firefox 1.0.7 available for download.  The following is an
  extract from the Release Notes for this version:

  "Firefox 1.0.7 is a security and stability release. We strongly recommend
  that all users upgrade to this latest version.

  This version includes several security and stability fixes, including a
  fix for a reported buffer overflow vulnerability and a fix for a Linux
  shell command vulnerability.

  Specific changes in Firefox 1.0.7

   *  Fix for a potential buffer overflow vulnerability when loading a
      hostname with all soft-hyphens
   *  Fix to prevent URLs passed from external programs from being parsed
      by the shell (Linux only)
   *  Fix to prevent a crash when loading a Proxy Auto-Config (PAC) script
      that uses an "eval" statement
   *  Fix to restore InstallTrigger.getVersion() for Extension authors "

  The full release notes, and links to downloads, can be found at the
  following URL: Click here
       ===========================================================

       So there you go.  Upgrade your Firefoxes via the above link, okay?

       Okay, to the humour now - and the first one's from Burnout:
                          -----------------------------


                           IS PROFILING REALLY WRONG?

Do you remember?

1. In 1968, Bobby Kennedy was shot and killed by:

a. Superman
b. Jay Leno
c. Harry Potter
d. A Muslim male extremist between the age of 17 and 40

2. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred
   by:

a. Olga Corbett
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold Schwarzenegger
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

3. In 1979, the US embassy in Iran was taken over by:

a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

4. During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:

a. John Dillinger
b. The King of Sweden
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

5. In 1983, the US Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:

a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

6. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old
   American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair
   by:

a. The Smurfs
b. Davy Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

7. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a US Navy diver
   trying to rescue passengers was murdered by:

a. Captain Kidd
b. Charles Lindberg
c. Mother Teresa
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

8. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:

a. Scooby Doo
b. The Tooth Fairy
c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

9. In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:

a. Richard Simmons
b. Grandma Moses
c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

10. In 1998, the US embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:

a. Mr. Rogers
b. Hillary Clinton, to distract attention from Wild Bill' s women problems
c. The World Wrestling Federation
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

11. In Oct. 2000, bombed and killed U.S. Sailors on U.S.S. Cole docked in
    Yemen by:

a. John Deere
b. Killer Attack Lesbians
c. Mississippi Mud Pies
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

12. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to
    take out the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one crashed
    into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted and crashed by the
    passengers. Thousands of people were killed by:

a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
b. Pope John Paul
c. Mr. Bean
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

13. In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:

a. Enron
b. The Lutheran Church
c. The NFL
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

14. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:

a. Bonnie and Clyde
b. Captain Kangaroo
c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40


Nope, I really don't see a pattern here to justify profiling, do you?

Yeah, right!

So, to ensure we never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent on
killing us, airport security screeners will no longer be allowed to
profile certain people. They must conduct random searches of 80-year-old
women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, secret
agents who are members of the President's security detail, 85-year old
Congressmen with metal hips, and Medal of Honour winner and former South
Dakota Governor Joe Foss, but leave Muslim males between the ages 17 and
40 alone because of profiling.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        This one from our librarian, Jill, isn't funny at all.  It's a world
        time zone converter that you may like to bookmark:

World timezone converter: Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Over now to the house of many bubbles, CUB, and this contribution
        from John the K.   I should warn you in advance that this one is
        rather ... "earthy", shall we say ...?

                                 TYPES OF SH_T

Ghost sh_t: The kind where you feel the sh_t come out but there is no sh_t
in the toilet.

Clean sh_t: The kind where you sh_t it out, see it in the toilet, but there
is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet sh_t: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it feels unwiped
so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear
so you don't ruin your pants with a stain.

Second Wave: It happens when you're done sh_tting and you've pulled your
pants up to your knees and you realize you have to sh_t some more.

Pop-a-vein-in-your-forehead sh_t: The kind where you strain so much you
practically have a stroke.

Richard Simmons sh_t: You sh_t so much you lose 30 pounds.

Lincoln Log sh_t: The kind that is so huge you're afraid to flush without
breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

Gassy sh_t: It's noisy and everyone within earshot is giggling.

Corn sh_t: Self explanatory.

Gee-I-wish-I-could sh_t sh_t: The kind where you want to sh_t, but all you
can do is sit on the toilet, cramp and fart a few times.

Spinal tap sh_t: That's when it hurts so bad coming out, you'd swear it was
leaving you sideways.

Wet cheek sh_t (the power dump!): The kind that comes out of your butt so
fast your cheeks get splashed with water.

Liquid sh_t: The kind where yellowish brown liquid shoots out and splatters
all over the toilet bowl.

Mexican food sh_t: It smells so bad the room must be condemned.

Upper class sh_t: The kind that thinks their sh_t doesn't smell.

Fisherman's bobber sh_t: The kind where you are in a public restroom, there
are two people waiting on your stall, you sh_t and flush two times, but
several golf ball size pieces are still floating at the water line.

Ambush sh_t: The kind that never happens at home, but usually at a party or
while playing golf. It is the result of trying to fart just a little, but
you end up with trouser chilli and you walk bow-legged for the rest of the day.

Drunken sh_t: The kind you have the morning after a long night of drinking.
It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

Champagne sh_t: You're so constipated that by the time the cork blows,
a bubbly liquid streams from your ass.

Kling-On sh_t: The kind where, when you go to wipe it, it's there waiting on
the edge.

Blow Out sh_t: The sh_t that's proceeded by a fart so vicious, you have to
check the bowl afterwards to make sure there are no cracks.

Exorcist sh_t: The kind where yellowish-brownish liquid shoots out of your ass
and burns your ass while it splatters all over the toilet. (See Liquid sh_t)

Peek-A-Boo sh_t: It comes halfway out, then it goes back in, comes back out,
goes back in, etc.

Pregnancy sh_t: The kind where you're really backed up and it makes you grunt
and wheeze for a long while until it finally splits your crack in a child
bearing fashion.(See Pop a Vein sh_t, Spinal Tap sh_t)

Rabbit sh_t: It comes in cute, round portions, but there loads of it
about. Actually, you're never really finished, but stop at some point from
boredom.

Alphabet sh_t: It comes leisurely, with one or a few breakaways, and when
you look at it you think: "Doesn't that just look like the letter ...?"

Feminist sh_t: No matter what it looks like or how it comes out, it's a
man's fault.

Blowtorch sh_t: sh_t that burns your ass so much, you'd swear that it's
flammable.  (usually occurs morning after eating WAY too much spicy food)

Dual Density sh_t: The kind where some sh_t floats and some sh_t sinks to
the bottom of the bowl.

Ribbon sh_t: A semiliquid fecal matter that is too thin to be a Lincoln Log
sh_t but not runny enough to be a Liquid sh_t. Rather, it looks like a 1
inch wide piece of brownish fettuccine, with some specks of color.

The Public sh_t: Sh_t that reminds your senses of the warm, moist stench that
embraces you when you enter a less than sanitary public restroom.

Little Boy sh_t: Sh_t powerful enough to level a small city.

Flood sh_t: You sh_t so much that it acts like a huge sandbag and ends up
flooding your bowl and running out all over the place, leaving you to clean
up a brown,pasty mess. (Add a bonus point if John Mellencamp does a relief
concert to help cleanup efforts)

Dream sh_t: When you haven't been to the toilet in 14 days, this is the sh_t
that you'll be dreaming about.

Concrete sh_t: This is what you'll drop after you haven't been to the toilet
in 14 days.

Surgery sh_t: After the Concrete sh_t, you'll have to go into surgery because
your ass is torn apart so badly.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


            And from Moonboot:

                      MORE CREDIT CARD SCAMS

SCAM  1

A friend went to the local gym and placed his belongings in the locker.

After the workout and a shower, he came out, saw the locker open, and thought
to himself, "Funny, I thought I locked the locker. Hmmmmm."  He dressed and
just flipped the wallet to make sure all was in order.  Everything looked
okay - all cards were in place.

A few weeks later his credit card bill came - a whooping bill of $14,000!
He called the  credit card company and started yelling at them, saying that he
did not make the transactions. Customer care personnel verified that there
was no mistake in the system and asked if his card had been stolen.

"No," he said, but then took out his wallet, pulled out the credit card,
and yep - you guessed it - a switch had been made.  An expired similar credit
card from the same bank was in the wallet.  The thief broke into his locker
at the gym and switched cards.

Verdict:  The credit card issuer said since he did not report the card
missing earlier, he would have to pay the amount owed to them.  How much
did he have to pay?  $9,000!

Why were there no calls made to verify the amount swiped?  Small amounts
rarely trigger a "warning bell" with some credit card companies.  It just
so happens that all the small amounts added up to big one!

                             == # == # == # ==

SCAM 2

A man at a local restaurant paid for his meal with his credit card.  The bill
for the meal came, he signed it, and the waitress folded the receipt and
passed the credit card along.  Usually, he would just take it and place it
in his wallet or pocket.  Funnily enough,though, he actually took a look at
the card and - lo and behold, it was the expired card of another person.

He called the waitress and she looked perplexed. She took it back, apologized,
and hurried back to the counter under the watchful eye of the man.  All the
waitress did while walking to the counter was wave the wrong expired card
to the counter cashier, and the counter cashier immediately looked down and
took out the real card.

No exchange of words --- nothing! She took it and came back to the man with
an apology.  Verdict:   Make sure the credit cards in your wallet are yours.
Check the name on the card every time you sign for something and/or the card
is taken away for even a short period of time.  Many people just take back
the credit card without even looking at it, thinking that it has to be theirs.

FOR YOUR OWN SAKE, DEVELOP THE HABIT OF CHECKING YOUR CREDIT CARD EACH TIME
IT IS RETURNED TO YOU AFTER A TRANSACTION!

                             == # == # == # ==

SCAM 3

Recently I went into a pizza restaurant to pick up an order that I had called
in. I paid by using my Visa Check Card which, of course, is linked directly
to my checking account.  The young man behind the counter took my card,
swiped it, then laid it flat on the counter as he waited for the approval,
which is pretty standard procedure.

While he waited, he picked up his cell phone and started dialing.  I noticed
the phone because it is the same model I have, but nothing seemed out of
the ordinary.  Then I heard a click that sounded like my phone sounds when
I take a picture.  He then gave me back my card but kept the phone in his
hand as if he was still pressing buttons.

Meanwhile, I'm thinking: I wonder what he is taking a picture of, oblivious
to what was really going on.  It then dawned on me: the only thing there
was my credit card, so now I'm paying close attention to what he is doing.
He set his phone on the counter, leaving it open.  About 5 seconds later,
I heard the chime that tells you that the picture has been saved.

Now I'm standing there struggling with the fact that this boy just took a
picture of my credit card.  Yes, he played it off well, because had we not
had the same kind of phone, I probably would never have known what happened.
Needless to say, I immediately cancelled that card as I was walking out
of the pizza parlor.

All I am saying is, be aware of your surroundings at all times.  Whenever you
are using your credit cards, take caution and don't be careless.  Notice
who is standing near you and what they are doing when you use your card.
Be aware of phones because many have a camera these days. When you are in
a restaurant and the waiter/waitress brings your card and receipt for you
to sign, make sure you scratch the number off.  Some restaurants are using
only the last 4 digits, but a lot of them are still putting the whole thing
on there. I have already been a victim of credit card fraud and believe me,
it is not fun. The truth is that they can get you even when you are careful,
but don't make it easy for them.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Time for some pics.  First up, this one from Bob Flann - more of
      interest than humour, and bordering somewhat on the incredible ...

                         MAKING IT HOME WITH ONE WING??

Should we believe this? Click here and Click here and Click here
                          -----------------------------


             And from Maria the Digi girl:
Baby porcupines (cute): Click here
Anti-stress (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
Guess the song (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
More Engrish (M$ Powerpoint): Click here

  And guess what - I just discovered this week that Digi Maria has her own
  web site: Click here
                          -----------------------------


       This collection from one at CSIRO who likes to remain anon:

Idiots 101 (M$ proprietary WMV movie clip): Click here
Idiots 102 (M$ proprietary WMV movie clip): Click here
Idiots 103 (M$ proprietary WMV movie clip): Click here
                          -----------------------------


       Moonboot has been prolific as usual and these are but a small
       fraction of what he's sent over (more will follow):

Landscapes (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
Vehicles (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
Stone Trek (Shockwave): Click here
Dodgy cow (Shockwave): Click here
Switch Linux (Shockwave): Click here
I love this ... move the mouse around to have a peek ... you'll never look
at anyone at a bus stop the same way again (Shockwave): Peeping - Click here
                          -----------------------------


       And this one from Digi Maria's slave in waiting, Digi Steve:

Just driftin' (M$ proprietary WMV movie clip) - Click here
                          -----------------------------


       One of our PC gurus, Andrew Smith, passed this on - something to send
       to your friends on a Friday:

YEH!!  Click here
                          -----------------------------


       Brett came across this one and thought you might be amused ...

Beer 'fridge ... (MPG movie clip) Click here
                          -----------------------------

       And from Tina:

Tips for our police force (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
Pick the spy: Click here
Modesty: Click here
And here's what one speed cam picked up during Katrina: Click here
                          -----------------------------


       These were passed on by Burnout:

New fule gauge: Click here
Gas song (Shockwave): Click here
Who says women can't park? (M$ proprietary WMV movie clip) Click here
Worst jobs in history: Click here
                          -----------------------------


       From Jeff at the Uni of Sydney, who notes "I know Melbourne aren't
       too interested in Thugby League but this is topical AND funny" ...
Russell: Click here
                          -----------------------------


        And one from our list out in the wild, wild west ...

The new pope is Bavarian ... maybe this is how a Catholic mass will be
celebrated?  Click here
It looks like a particularly tasty hefeweizen to me.
                          -----------------------------


       John Sanderson found this interesting article:

30,000 volts? Click here
                          -----------------------------


       Maayan's still in love with Capetown (and one or two of its hotter
       inhabitants), but she still managed to pass this one on:

Crazy pics (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
                          -----------------------------


       And from GROPWO, this rather fishy tale ...
Very fishy (M$ proprietary WMV movie clip) ... Click here
                          -----------------------------


       And finally, our scientific librarian (Jill) forwarded these
       rather interesting links on:

1. Earth Lab Datasite

This database of UK fossils, minerals and rocks is provided by the
Natural History Museum (London, UK). The database can be viewed by
category or browsed in its entirety; for each speciment an image is
provided together with some data (location etc): Click here

2. MSN Dictionary
When Ryan Jones instant messaged with some young people and couldn't understand
a "thing they were typing," it made him mad -- and inspired him to create
the Internet Slang Dictionary and Translator. The site, a resource for those
who find themselves befuddled or enraged by what masquerades as language
on the web today, offers translations, a dictionary, a "Website Validator,"
and a "Guide to Netspeak." So when you walk in the room and catch your child
feverishly typing "p911," you won't be in the dark. And when you're joking
with a friend who suddenly writes, "c|n>k," you'll be able to laugh knowingly
and shoot back, "lawlz!"  Click here

3. Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter

The Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter was launched on 12 August 2005. Its
mission will be to study the history of water on Mars. This mission
website from NASA includes: a mission overview; the underlying science
(life on Mars, the Martian climate, the planet's geology, preparation
for human exploration); the spacecraft and instrumentation; a mission
timeline; and images and videos: Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Back to the humour to finish off now, with another contribution
        from Burnout:
                          -----------------------------

        BILLY CONNOLLY'S CHAIN LETTER - I COULDN'T HAVE SAID IT BETTER

Hello, my name is William and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion
f**king chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you
send them on, a poor six year old girl in Queensland with a breast on her
forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her
redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.

And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, And
everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000?

How stupid are we?

Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid
by a model I just happen to run into the next day!"  What a bunch of bulls**t.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me
in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter in
5AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrim stowaways on the Endeavour.

F*ck 'em.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly
amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and
this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel
from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.

I don't f*cking care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing
to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity.
The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you
shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.  If it's funny,
send it on.

Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana
with no teeth who has been tied to the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years
and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you
forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your
underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.

PS: Send me 15 bucks and Then F*ck Off
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        And from Stephen's "Jokes Are Us" mailout, this collection:
                          -----------------------------

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting
unit called the US Redneck Special Forces (USRSF). These North Carolina,
South Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Arkansas, Alabama,
Georgia, Texas and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been
given the following facts about Terrorists:

1. The season opened today

2. There is no limit

3. They taste just like chicken

4. They don't like beer, pickups, Harley Davidson's, country music or Jesus

5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt

                             == # == # == # ==

"Mum, teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will
be coming to school."

"That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear.  What did she say when
you told her you are the only child?"

She just said, "Thank goodness!"

                             == # == # == # ==

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police
station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most
wanted men.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the
photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."

So Little Johnny asked, "How come you didn't keep him when you took his
picture?"

                             == # == # == # ==

                         MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMPUTING

1. When computing, whatever happens: behave as though  you mean it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer,
it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual
where you least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more
human, it is downright natural.

7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

8. If at first you don't succeed, blame your server.

9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved
from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely
what you want to do.

                             == # == # == # ==

The old perfesser visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything
seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life.

"Well..." the perfesser drawled, "not bad at all, to be honest. The wife
isn't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week
I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over
thirty years old."

"My goodness, and at your age too," the doctor said. "I hope you at least
took some precautions."

"Yep. I may be old, but I'm not senile yet, doc. I gave 'em all a phony name."

                             == # == # == # ==

Four novice nuns were about to take their vows. Dressed in their white gowns,
they came into the chapel with the Mother Superior and were about to undergo
the ceremony to marry them to Jesus, making them "Brides of Christ."

Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews with yarmulkes,
long sideburns and long beards came in and sat in the front row.

The Mother Superior said to them, "I am honoured that you would want to
share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?"

One of the Jews replied, "We're from the groom's family."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


          Back over to CUB now, with these from John the K:
                          -----------------------------

                                 MEDICAL ETHICS

A young woman comes to a gynaecologist for the first time in her life.
She is shy and confused, more even by the fact the gynaecologist is male.

The doctor tells her to undress. So, she replies: "Well, I am a bit shy about
it. May you close the curtains and turn lights off while I am undressing?"

"Ok", says the doctor and the room goes dark.

The woman undresses and asks the doctor: "Where should I put my clothes?"

"Oh, just where you are standing, next to mine."

                             == # == # == # ==


One misty Scottish morning a man was driving through the hills to Inverness.

Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander stepped into the
middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four and has the appearance
of a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and despite the wind, mist
and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a
tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.

At the roadside there also stands a young women.  She is absolutely beautiful
slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair ... heart stopping. The driver
stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl
when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the
road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.

"Right, you Jimmy" he shouts, "Ah want you to mast_rbate"

"But ..." stammers the driver

"Du it now ... or I'll bluddy kill yer"

So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to
mast_rbate.  Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this doesn't take him long.

"Right" snarls the highlander "Du it again!"

"But ..." says the driver.

"Now...."

So the driver does it again.

"Right laddie, du it again" demands the highlander.

This goes on for nearly two hours.  The hapless driver gets cramps in both
arms, he has rubbed himself raw, has violent knob-ache, his sight is failing
(as promised for years by his priest) and despite the cold wind has collapsed
in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.

"Du it again" says the highlander.

"I can't do it anymore you'll just have to kill me", whimpers the man.

The highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside.

"All right, laddie," he says, "NOW you can give ma daughter a lift to
Inverness".
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


            One more from Tina here ...

                                  MOTHER IN LAW

A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem. While
they were there the mother-in-law passed away.  The undertaker told them,
"You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the
Holy Land for $150.

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The
undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home,
when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150.

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days
later he rose from the dead.  I just can't take that chance."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


            And these from Jeff over at the University of Sydney:
                          -----------------------------

This is a classic demonstration of the importance of correct spelling ...

Many older readers will know the song "My Grandfather's Clock" which
was written in the late 19th century.

Read through the song CAREFULLY; it helps if can sing it. If you don't
know the tune the attached midi file will play it for you.

NOW sing/read the song again... leaving the "l" out of clock; the
second verse makes things worse!

While not important to the joke; the story of the song can be found at
this website: Click here

    My Grandfather's clock was too tall for the shelf
    so it stood ninety years on the floor
    It was taller by half than the old man himself,
    but it weighed not a penny weight more
    It was bought on the morn of the day he was born
    and was always his pleasure and pride
    But it stopped short never to go again
    when the old man died

    Ninety years without slumbering
    tick tock tick tock
    its life seconds numbering
    tick tock tick tock
    But it stopped short never to go again
    when the old man died

    In childhood and manhood, the clock seemed to know
    and to share both his grief and his joy
    For it struck twenty-four as he entered through the door,
    with his blushing and beautiful bride,
    But it stopped, short, never to go again,
    when the old man died.

    Ninety years without slumbering
    tick tock tick tock
    its life seconds numbering
    tick tock tick tock
    But it stopped short never to go again
    when the old man died
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Friday humour ]

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