Friday humour - September 16, 2005

     From Davo at bluehaze:

      G'day, and ...

                 Welcome to John Howard's Australia - No. 544

   Scott Parkin, a 35 year old former school teacher from Houston Texas,
   arrived in Oz on a 6 months tourist visa in June.

   Scott is a member of Greenpeace, and in the last few years has made the
   news as a peace activist demonstrating against the Iraq Invasion, and also
   Halliburton - the company Cheney ran before becoming Vice President.  This
   company has reaped so much revenue by being appointed to clean up all
   the mess that the neo-con's "Shock and Awe" merchants created.

   On the way to a peace rally last weekend, Scott was grabbed by ASIO officers
   and locked away in the Melbourne Custodial Centre where he stayed for
   five days prior to being deported.  He also had to pay for his custodial
   accommodation - plus the cost of his airfare back to America - plus two
   more airfares so that two officers could escort him.

   Scott Parkin was not charged with any crime.  And Mr Howard's government
   won't tell us why he was detained and deported.

   At the same time, the Man of Steel is trying to draft "terrorist" laws
   giving ASIO the power to lock up Aussies for 14 days without charge and no
   phone call.  Do we take it that we may cop this treatment by just saying
   things critical of this morally bereft government?

   What sort of country does the Lying Rodent wish for us to live in?
   Where is his vision?

   The above, and what is planned, sound more like what you would have
   expected in Communist Russia or Nazi Germany.

   People who know me know that I'm not prone to swearing.  But I have to
   say that all of this is a fucking disgrace!

   In last weeks FH the Great Man commented "But I thought I'd share the
   above with you because I know that most people don't listen to ABC AM radio
   (it ain't 'trendy')".

   Well I'm here to tell you ABC Radio on the AM band is trendy.  The radio
   ratings released three days ago listed the local capital city mainland
   stations' ratings as follows ...

   2BL Sydney       9.5%
   3LO Melbourne   11.9%
   4QR Brisbane     8.1%
   5AN Adelaide    13.5%
   6WF Perth       13.2%

   These ABC "locals" are indeed towards the top of the ladder in each of their
   respective markets.  Considering all the government cutbacks in the last nine
   and a half years these stations should be applauded.  They are so successful
   that it's a wonder Howard hasn't sold them!

   On the Hurricane Katrina aftermath here is an interesting editorial from
   the New Orleans Times-Picayune (reprinted in The Age):


   Megazorch Sanderson sent in this interesting and entertaining Kiwi website.
   Reading the comments right to the end is recommended.  Your banana will
   never have it so good again ... (btw - Good luck to Helen Clark tomorrow!)
   Click here

   Gropwo sent in this web site with the comment "If you want to be frustrated
   go to ..." - Click here

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   First up this week is from Fosters John at CUB


When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over
the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They
still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

An Italian woman competed with a French woman and an English woman in the
Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The French
woman came in first, the English woman second. The Italian woman finally
reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and
coffee, she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other
two girls used their arms.

A prostitute enters a pub and notices a koala bear sitting at the end of
the bar. After a little small-talk and flirting, the koala bear goes home
with her. They frolic all night long. The next morning, the koala gets up
and wanders towards the door.

"HEY! Where are you going?" yells the prostitute."I haven't been paid yet!"

Realizing that he is a koala bear and might not understand, she reaches for
a dictionary and looks up *prostitute*.She shows him the definition:

PROSTITUTE (pros'ti toot) n. A woman who performs services for money.

The koala bear looks at her and then grabs the dictionary. He shows her
a definition:

KOALA BEAR (ko' ahl e bar) n. A furry marsupial. Eats bush and leaves

A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put
a $100 bill on his willie. The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the
man why he wants to do this. The man replies, " I have my reasons which I
would rather not tell right now".

So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious
with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his penis.

So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says
that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tatoo if he would
just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his willie.

So, the man consents and offers these three reasons: "First, I like to play
with my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow. And third, and most
importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to
do it."

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This arrived from British Knickers and Burnout

                              NEWSROOM LATEST

Alan Price, singer, composer and keyboard player with former sixties band
The Animals, yesterday issued an apology to fans on behalf of the band,
for what he described as a 'factual inaccuracy' in one of the their most
popular and successful songs.

Apparently, there isn't a house in New Orleans!

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    More from Digi Maria

                             IF MY BODY WERE A CAR

If my body were a car , this is the time I would be thinking about trading
it in for a newer model.

I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is
getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it. My fenders are too
wide to be considered stylish. They were once as sleek as a little M. G. but
now they look like an old Buick.

My seat cushions have split open at the seams, my seats are sagging. Seat Belts
? I gave up all belts when Krispy Cremes opened a shop in my neighborhood.

Air Bags ? Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my eyes Not
counting the saddlebags, of course.

I have sooooo many miles on my odometer, Sure I've been many places and seen
many things, but when's the last time an appraiser factored life experiences
aganist depreciation.?

My headlights, are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things
up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and bump
into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls, are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach
my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But, here's the worst of it ... almost every time I sneeze, cough or
splutter .............. My radiator leaks !!

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One from Mad Mick of Marwick

                               A MATTER OF SIZE

Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to
confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she
suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her soooo much, however, Jim
felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had
a deformity too.

Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said...."I too have a problem. My penis is the
same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.

She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."

Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon.

Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing,
holding one another... As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants, she began to
scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"

"Yes, it is..... 8 pounds, 7 ounces & 19 inches long!!"

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     GROPWO sent this in

                                     BAD DAY

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now... the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and
play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my
mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the
medicine cabinet."

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold
wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in
your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg
(or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How
hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined
enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck
together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out
the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah... right!) I lay
the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair
removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair
and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back
into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my
panties and place one foot on the toilet.  Using the same procedure, I apply
the wax strip across the right side  of my bikini line, covering the right
half of my girlie bits and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek
(Yes, it was a long  strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself.... RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.... OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning,
I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.

CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and
spotted. I think I may pass out... must stay conscious... Do I hear crashing
drums??? Breathe, breathe... OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so
much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory
that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!  There's no hair on
it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the
hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I
run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered
in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake... remember
my foot is still propped up on the toilet?

I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!! Girlie
bits? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom
trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me
need the toilet. My head may pop off!"

What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll
run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the
wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off,
right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together,
is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub... in
scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied
myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months
ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret
of how to get me undone.

It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued
together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause.

She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide
her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,
"Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now... I can hear her. I give her the rundown
and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with
a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot
wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the
sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major
hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling
for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my
saving grace.... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do
I really have to lose at this point?

I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and
scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, l but I really don't
care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!"

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully
remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair.... THE
HAIR IS STILL THERE....... ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

So I recklessly shave it off.

Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at
this point. Next week I'm going to try hair colour......

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     To this week's pics now, with thanks to the prolific Moonboot, Gropwo,
     Digi Maria, Mandie M&Ms, Brett Dude, Cartographer Chris, Burnout,
     Allnutts, Justice Jesse, Michael from Metronet Rail (UK), IsK, UK Smithy,
     the good Dr Rand, Rowan Davo, Leunig and Golding from The Age, and Leahy
     from the Courier Mail.

     BTW - great to see UK Unilever Joe pop in during the week!

From Brett Dude: Navy Releases Terrorist
The US Navy today announced that it has released a senior Al Quaeda terrorist
after questioning him extensively for 27 days while being held prisoner
aboard a US aircraft carrier in the Arabian Sea.  In a humanitarian gesture,
the terrorist was given $50 US and a white 1962 Ford Fairlane automobile
upon being released from custody.  The attached photo shows the terrorist
on his way home just after being released by the Navy.  Click here

The Katrina Aftermath: Click here Click here Click here

The real Kath n' Kim ? These girls have got style! Click here

The cost of petrol: Click here Click here

In the news: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Safe driving Click here

Biker convention Click here

Wrong way Click here

Knowledge Click here

New men's classes Click here

Productivity Click here

Absolute pride Click here

A Moonboot assortment: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Perfect - The Movie Click here

Kentucky fire fighters  Click here

Revenge of the nail-gun Click here

Mum of the Year Click here

From Joe the Cameraman Click here

Home Sweet Home Click here

Hurricane Hell Click here

Rowan's flowchart on getting sex Click here

Talking dogs Click here

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    Back to ASCII now and a couple from Nottingham

               SEXUAL CALORIE COUNTER (an oldie, but always useful)

  It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but until
  recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of
  different sexual activities. Now after original and proprietary research
  they are proud to present the results.

  With her consent....................... 12 Calories
  Without her consent.................... 187 Calories

  With both hands........................ 8 Calories
  With one hand.......................... 12 Calories
  With your teeth........................ 85 Calories

  With an erection....................... 6 Calories
  Without an erection.................... 315 Calories

  Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories
  Trying to find the G-Spot............. 92 Calories

  Missionary............................. 52 Calories
  69 lying down.......................... 78 Calories
  69 standing up......................... 112 Calories
  Wheelbarrow............................ 216 Calories
  Her on top............................. 524 Calories
  Doggy Style............................ 726 Calories
  Donkey punch........................... 912 Calories

  Real................................... 112 Calories
  False.................................. 315 Calories

  Lying in bed hugging............................... 18 Calories
  Getting up immediately............................. 36 Calories
  Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories

  20-29 years old........................ 36 Calories
  30-39 years............................ 80 Calories
  40-49 years............................ 1124 Calories
  50-59 years............................ 1972 Calories
  60-69 years............................ 2916 Calories
  70 and over............................ Results are still pending

  Calmly..................................... 32 Calories
  In a hurry................................. 98 Calories
  With her father knocking at the door..... 1218 Calories
  With your spouse knocking at the door.... 5521 Calories

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                                   FIRST DATE

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you
read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!!

We have all had bad dates.. but this takes the cake. This just tells you
how tough it is to be single nowadays. This was on the "Tonight Show" with
Jay Leno.

Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that
a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.
There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken
her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip
(no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home
late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she
gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the
middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she
did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going,
there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her
pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants
down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let
her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood
on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman
and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she
felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she
bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly
glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles
immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the
icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to
the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered
her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed,
she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!"

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater, and
then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.  She
too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves,
they assessed her dilemma.  Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was,
they also were faced with a real problem.  Both agreed it would take something
hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place,
both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as
she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants
and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands
down ... or perhaps that should be "pants down."

And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment .. "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."

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More from Burnout

                                 MESSAGE FROM ABOVE

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behaviour
that was going on. So God called one of the angels and sent the angel to
Earth. When she returned, she told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are
misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a  second
angel to get another opinion."

So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time too. When the
angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true The earth is in
decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were being  good,
because he wanted to encourage them... give them a little something to help
them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay ... just wondering.   I didn't get one either.

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Another from B1 Fosters John

                                DON'T WORRY MARIA

Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a
virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was
nervous. But her mother reassured her.

"Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good-a-boy. Go upstairs and he'll-a take-a good
care of you."

So up she went.  When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed
his hairy chest.  Maria runs downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama,
mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "all-a good men have-a hairy chests. Go
upstairs.  He'll-a take a good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants
exposing his hairy legs.  Again Maria runs downstairs to her mother. "Mama,
mama, Tony took off his pants and he's a got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have a the hairy legs. Tony's a good a man. Go
upstairs and he'll a take a good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and
on his left foot he was missing three toes.  When Maria sees this, she runs
downstairs. "Mama, mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir-a the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"

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Quote of the Week:

  "I no longer regard Labor as a viable force for social justice in this
   country.  Its massive cultural and structural problems are insoluble."

         Mark Latham, Former Labor Party Leader

 [ See Mark discuss 'The Latham Diaries' with Andrew Denton on Enough Rope -
  this coming Monday at 9:30 pm on ABC-TV]

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[ End Fri humour ]

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