Friday humour - September 09, 2005


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

             And g'day on yet another Friday,
       Davo's comment last week re us being "a bit light on with the pics" has
       elicited an even greater effort from our regulars (and others) this week,
       so thanks to all of you who sent material in!  Moonboot especially, who
       uploaded some massive zip archives containing stacks of stuff.

       Just about into Spring down here below the equator, and it's another one
       of those balmy Thursday nights where you can hear the wind blowing up
       some great gusts now and then.  And if you go outside, it's almost warm.
       I really love these sorts of evenings - reminds me of climbing up my old
       radio mast (actually an old windmill tower I bought 3rd-hand) to make
       adjustments to the antenna tuning ... the wind would be just a mild
       breeze at ground level, but when you reached the top of the mast, it'd
       be quite a gale.  Made me realise just how much living here in suburbia
       moderates the wind at ground level.

       So this week, you could be mistaken for thinking it's summer here in
       Melbourne.  Of course, none of this compares to the extremes of
       weather seen in Europe, the UK, and the USA - especially anything like
       Katrina that demolished New Orleans a couple of weeks ago.

       Interestingly, Darwin (northern tip of Oz) was wiped out by a similar
       cyclone in 1974.  Major General Alan Stretton was immediately flown into
       Darwin and took complete charge.  This was 31 years ago, so I was rather
       amazed when listening to Jon Faine (3LO) on the way to work last week
       to hear Stretton himself ring Jon in to pass some comments on the New
       Orleans disaster.  Stretton's first surprising comment was that Cyclone
       Tracy was around the same scale as Katrina - Navy pilots couldn't find
       landmarks because whole areas had vanished or disappeared under water.

       But his most interesting comment related to the difference in crisis
       control.  He (Stretton) had immediate, total authority in Darwin;
       nothing happened without going through him or one of trusted
       subordinates.  Commenting on Katrina and New Orleans, he noted that the
       whole setup there was entirely different.  In New Orleans, several dozen
       people in different instrumentalities seemed to regard themselves as
       (to a greater or lesser extent) being in control.  Stretton's opinion
       is that this was probably the most critical difference during the
       first few days.  He suggests that what they needed above all else
       was the same "medicine" that Darwin got - a top ranking, experienced
       defence person being flown in and taking complete control.  Stretton
       also took plane-loads of mobile comms equipment and set them all over
       the place on day one.

       Of course, the blogs (*hate* that stupid word) are running hot all over
       the place with everyone putting in their opinions on what went wrong in
       New Orleans.  But I thought I'd share the above with you because I know
       that most people don't listen to ABC AM radio (it ain't "trendy").

       Now to a few of the great jokes and other bits and pieces that you guys
       have passed on during the last week or two.  First up this week, it's
       over to the good ol' UK and this piece from Rumbers ...
                            ------------------------------

                                    CITY DESPATCHES

Latest flier being handed out at Bank tube station: "Evac-Tube - everything you
need to aid an escape" (£9.95).  Apparently this thing contains Light, Air and
Water ("identified as necessary elements in case of emergency").  Quite apart
from the fact that these are all things which I carry already - as integral
parts of my rather elderly and weatherbeaten moby - I wonder just how much
air you can put in a 6" x 2" diameter tube.  Even with whatever compression
techniques the makers have fixed on I doubt that you could squeeze in more
than 2 or 3 lungfuls.  Just enough to get any conscious and adjacent victim
really hacked off.  Probably not enough to help significantly in the event
of a "terrorist attack" or "building disaster".

The particle respirator seems a better bet, offering as it does protection
against "bird flu" and "sars".  But now for the anomaly: Presumably, it only
offers a really HIGH level of protection against these hazards if worn all
the time . . . so by the time the train roof falls on you the particles may
have degenerated to the point where they don't really offer 100% protection
against smoke and dust.

The Emergency Water Pouch - specially packaged in a protective atmosphere,
we're assured - can be stored for five years or more and is approved by the
US coast guard, who are presumably the global experts in the conservation
of water.

The Emergency Whistle is presumably included to make best use of your copious
supply of air, or perhaps to help referee football games for the more active
of fellow-passengers.  The Glow Stick lasts for 12 hours.  Whether this is
12 hours after you activate it or 12 hours immediately following delivery
isn't specified.  Do I sound cynical?

Lastly ...  Lastly ..  Two antiseptic wipes.  Highly useful for those off-the-
cuff amputation scenarios - I don't think.  And to add insult to injury - NON
ALCOHOLIC antiseptic wipes.  They must seriously consider this some kind of
plus.  My guess is that anybody who thinks a pair of wet-wipes could possibly
compete with half a hipflask of something very old and very very French has
never experienced London at it's most ...  umm ... newsworthy.

Now the challenge: This thing retails at £9.95 - that's nine POUNDS ninety-five,
not nine USD ninety-five.  Do you know anybody gullible enough to hand over
their Visa number? Come on, between us we must know someone that naive.  I
await consumer reviews with considerable interest.

Incidentally, the perpetrators of this offer call themselves Tubetastic Ltd.
Is it just me or does that point at Smashie and Nicey being major shareholders?
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Whilst on the subject of the London bombings, there was this one from
        the Castle Hill Books mob - also in the UK:
                            ------------------------------

                            FURTHER INFO ON SECURITY THREAT

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings, the
security level has just been raised from 'miffed' to "peeved'.  Soon though,
the levels may be raised yet again to 'irritated' or even 'a bit cross!!'
Londoners have not been 'a bit cross since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies
all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "tiresome" to "a bloody nuisance"
the last time a "bloody nuisance" warning level was issued was during the
great fire in 1666.

Be aware that the French government announced yesterday that it has raised
its terror alert level from RUN to HIDE.  The only two higher levels in France
are Surrender and Collaborate.  The rise was precipitated by a recent fire
that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing their
military capability.

It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert, the
Italians have increased their alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly"
to "elaborate military posturing".  Two more levels remain, "ineffective
combat operations" and "change sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance"
to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs".  They have two higher levels
"invade a neighbour" and "lose".

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from
"isolationism" to "find another oil-rich nation in the middle east ripe for
regime change".  Their remaining higher alert states are "attack the world"
and "beg the British for help".

Finally in GB they've gone from "pretend nothing's happening" to "make another
cup of tea".  Their higher levels are "remain resolutely cheerful" and "win".
Especially the Ashes!
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Over to bottling line B1 at Fosters now for our first two contributions
      from John the K:
                            ------------------------------

                                SEEING THE POPE

An American businessman was in Rome, and with only a few days remaining
in his trip, decided he wanted to see the Pope.  He went to the Vatican,
and waited in line for a long time.  Finally the Pope emerged and
proceeded down the line.

The businessman was wearing his finest Armani suit and Italian leather shoes,
and was hoping that the Pope would notice him.  To his disappointment,
however, the Pope went straight past him without so much as a glance.

The businessman was even further dismayed when a few metres further down
the line, the Pope stopped in front of a decrepit local tramp, leant forward
and said a few words into the tramp's ear.

Straight afterwards the businessman went up to the tramp, and offered to
trade his Armani suit for the tramp's shabby outfit.  The tramp readily agreed.

The next day the businessman went back to the Vatican wearing the tramp's
gear, and to all appearances looking (and smelling) like a homeless bum.
He waited in the line again until the Pope emerged and proceeded down the line.

This time the Pope noticed him immediately, came straight towards him,
leant forward and whispered in his ear "I thought I told you to f__k off!"

                           ----====#===#===#====----

                                  BEER QUOTES

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
 --Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself
a pleasure.
 --Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
 --W.C.  Fields

Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder.

Lady Astor to Winston Churchill: "Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison
your drink."
His reply: "Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
 --David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
 --Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
 --Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the
time and have the time of your life.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
 --Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.  Coincidence?

Beer is good food.

You don't like jail?Naw, they got the wrong kind of bars in there.
 --Charles Bukowski

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes
beer shoot out your nose.
 --Deep Thought, Jack Handy

It's better to have beer in hand than gas in tank.

Life is too short to drink cheap beer.

Beer it's not just for breakfast anymore

Beer: Nature's laxative.

Beer.  If you can't taste it, why bother!

One more drink and I'd be under the host.
 --Dorothy Parker

All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry
Manilow.
 --Dave Barry

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year.
I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with
slightly over half that quantity of beer.
 --Postpetroleum Guzzler, Dave Barry

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza.
 --Dave Barry's Bad Habits, Dave Barry

Not all chemicals are bad.  Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for
example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
 --Dave Barry

My problem with most athletic challenges is training.  I'm lazy and find that
workouts cut into my drinking time.
 --A Wolverine is Eating My Leg

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart

Friends don't let friends drink Light Beer.

If nothing beats a Bud, given the choice, I'd take the nothing ...

Draft beer, not people!

Adhere to Schweinheitsgebot.  Don't put anything in your beer that a pig
wouldn't eat.
 --David Geary

Why is American beer served cold?  So you can tell it from urine.
 --David Moulton

A drink a day keeps the shrink away.
 --Edward Abbey

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like
to pee a lot.
 --Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Put it back in the horse!
 --H. Allen Smith, an American humorist in the '30s-'50s, after he drank
   his first American beer at a bar.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       These two contributions were just passed on by Maria the Harding:
                          ------------------------------

                                 PUBLIC TOILETS

My mother was a fanatic about public bathrooms.  When I was a little girl,
she'd take me into the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the
seat.  Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat.
Finally, she'd instruct,"Never, NEVER sit on a public toilet seat.

Then she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the
toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make
contact with the toilet seat.  By this time, I'd have wet down my leg and
we'd have to go home to change my clothes.

That was a long time ago.  Even now, in my more "mature years, "The Stance" is
excruciatingly difficult to maintain, especially when one's bladder is full.
When you have to "go" in a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women
that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Bonds underwear in there.

So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, who are also crossing
their legs and smiling politely.  You get closer and check for feet under the
stall doors.  Every one is occupied.  Finally, a door opens and you dash in,
nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.  You get in to find the
door won't latch.  It doesn't matter.

The dispenser for the new fangled "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mum,
no doubt) is handy, but empty.  You would hang your purse on the door hook if
there was one - but there isn't - so you carefully but quickly hang it around
your neck. (Mum would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!).
You yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance" Ahhhh, relief.  But then
your thighs begin to shake.

You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat
or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance" as your thighs experience
a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale.  To take your
mind off of your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be
the empty toilet paper dispenser.  In your mind, you can hear your mother's
voice saying, "Honey, if you would have tried to clean the seat, you would
have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!"

Your thighs shake more.  You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose
on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse.  That would have to do.
You crumple it in the puffiest way possible.  It is still smaller than your
thumbnail.  Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work.
The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your
chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny,
crumpled tissue in a puddle, and sliding down, directly onto the insidious
toilet seat.  You bolt up quickly, knowing all too well that it's too late.
Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form
on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that
there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because
you're certain that her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because,
frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get,"

At that point, you give up.  You're soaked by the splashing water.  You're
exhausted.  You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket,
then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.  You can't figure out how to
operate the taps with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with
spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting,
cross-legged at this point, no longer able to smile politely.

One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing
a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River!
(Where was it when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk
it the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has since entered, used and exited
the men's restroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you.
Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging
around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public
restroom (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!).

It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long.  It also
answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom
in pairs.  It's so the other woman can hold the door and hand you Kleenex
under the door.

                           ----====#===#===#====----

                                 THE YEAR 1905

This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!   The year is 1905.  One
hundred years ago.  What a difference a century makes!

Here are some of the U.S. statistics for the Year 1905:

The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.  Only 14 percent of the
homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.  Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.

There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S, and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated
than California.  With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the
21st most populous state in the Union.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents per hour.  The average U.S. worker
made between  $200 and $400 per year.  A competent accountant could expect
to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between
$1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home.  Ninety
percent of all U.S. doctors had no  college education.  Instead, they attended
so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by
the government as "substandard."

Sugar cost four cents a pound.  Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.  Coffee was
fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks
for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their
country for any reason.

The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:

1. Pneumonia and influenza,
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and
Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!  Crossword puzzles, canned
beer, and ice tea hadn't been invented yet.  There was no Mother's Day or
Father's Day.  Two out of every 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write.  Only
6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the
local corner drugstores.  Back then pharmacist said, "Heroin clears the
complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels,
and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."

Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time servant
or domestic help.  There were about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.

And I forwarded this from someone else without typing it myself, and sent it
to you in a matter of seconds.  Try to imagine what it may be like in another
100 years.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Okay - here's this week's (rather large) pics and clips collection.

    Actually - this first one's less a pic and more another incredible article.
    Remember a cupla weeks ago IsK posted that link re the "Intelligent Design"
    fad in some US schools?  Quite hilarious if you missed it - Click here
    Anyway, if you thought Intelligent Design proponents are a bit mental,
    check out this from Jen (via James).  After all these years, gravity has
    finally been fully explained: Click here
                           ------------------------------

    Burnout came across this clever little "timeline" program that gives
    you the time and date via the old "sliderule" system:
Timeline (Shockwave): Click here
 -or if the above site doesn't respond, here's a local copy: Click here
Can-crushing mama: Click here
Speeding - who, me?  Click here
Breakfast: Click here
New Orleans (M$ Powerpoint - 5 secs per image unless you click): Click here
Security camera footage: Click here

    And from both Burnout and Digi Maria:
Steal your fuel: Click here

    This one's actually a repeat from 4 years ago (as originally passed on by
    James Powell).  Reading this sort of stuff makes one realise why women
    took up the cudgel for equality so vehemently in the late 50s and
    1960s, and what an enormous debt we in Australia owe to the energy of
    women like Germaine Greer.  If only one good thing came out of WWII, then
    making it obvious that women could run factories, commerce, industry,
    politics (and everything else) just as well as men must have been it:
Be a good housewife now! Click here
                           ------------------------------


      And another great collection from Tina.  From 30 years in the future,
try to guess who this "was" ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Man's first invention (M$ proprietary movie format): Click here
The CFA (Country Fire Authority - M$ proprietary movie format): Click here
How to recognise a loser: Click here
Vocabulary Test for the Dirty Minded (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
Footy (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
Tanker explosion (M$ proprietary movie format): Click here
Vegetables: Click here
To God from dogs (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
The seashell (repeat - MPG-1 movie clip - should play anywhere): Click here
                           ------------------------------

        Another one from Hollywood Len:
Guess the beer! Click here
                           ------------------------------

      Eric in South Africa jumped out of his tree just long enough to
      pass this one on:
More Eric Grohe murals: Click here
                           ------------------------------

      And from Maayan on the same continent (but in Capetown), we just
      received this one:
Mathematical chances of a man winning an argument: Click here
                           ------------------------------


      This collection from Digi Maria - "This gives a pretty good idea
      what can be achieved with a Laser Beam.  From this we can surmise
      what laser surgery performed on one's iris is all about, and how
      magically one's vision can be improved in just a few moments.
      Science is wonderful, and is still the frontier" ...

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

When you're in deep s__t, try to look inconspicuous: Click here
                           ------------------------------

      Jas sent these pics over.  I've dropped them into a Powerpoint Pres
      to make them a little easier to look at.  They'll cycle through by
      themselves if you let them (or click to speed them up):

Nice hotel (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
                           ------------------------------

        This one from an occasional contributor, our ex-Port Melbourne glass-
        blower extraordinaire, Rudi.  Again, I've extracted it from his Word
        Doc and dropped it into a M$ Powerpoint presentation, and it'll just
        cycle itself through if you allow it:

A little smile (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
                           ------------------------------

         Did you get as far as Davo's "Quote Of The Week" last week?  Well
         anyway, here's the pictorial version from another Davidson - Rowan:

Looting vs Finding: Click here
[ BTW, did you notice the poor English grammar? ]
                           ------------------------------

         This one was passed on by good old bondage-Brett:

Oooops! Click here
And also, a few Andy Thomas pics (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
                           ------------------------------

         And from Digi Steve (who's currently hosting all the big stuff so
         the load on poor old Bluehaze isn't as high):

Speed challenge: Click here
Bud Light stranger game: Click here
Leunig on New Orleans: Click here
                           ------------------------------

         GROPWO sent a couple over this week too:

Broke: Click here
Shopping in Singapore: Click here
                           ------------------------------

         Dermot passed these on at the last minute (like - they arrived as
         I was typing this area up):

Sky News finally got something right: Click here
Fuel Prices hitting the super heroes: Click here
Don't get drunk at office parties (M$ proprietary movie format): Click here
                           ------------------------------

         And finally, a Moonboot collection, beginning with: "Just in case
         you don't know, the UK announced this morning that they WILL be
         sending aid to America, and over the last week or two there have been
         a lot of discussions about China sending too many imported clothes
         to the UK and are now stuck in customs ..."

Late news: Click here
[ If you're wondering what this is all about (!) - Click here
  Interesting - other countries don't lower their tarifs, unlike the really
  clever ones like Oz ]

The elements of booze: Click here

And a miscellanous Moonboot collection:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Okay - back to another dose of written stuff (those with A.D.D. can
      leave now) ... beginning with a couple more from Burnout:
                           ------------------------------

                           INTERPRETING THOSE PC MESSAGES

It says: "Press Any Key"
It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."

It says: "Fatal Error.  Please contact technical support quoting error no.
          1A4-2546512430E"
It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 30 minutes, only to be
          told that it's a hardware problem."

It says: "Installing program to C:\...."
It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and
          C:\WINDOWS\SYSTEM where you'll NEVER find them."

It says: "Please insert disk 5"
It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 4 disks."

It says: "Not enough memory"
It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 128MB of RAM, I want to use the bit
           below 640K."

It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."
It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."

It says: "Please Wait...."
It means: "... Indefinitely."

It says: "Directory does not exist...."
It means: ".... any more. Whoops."

It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."
It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your
          work back. Kiss your afternoon goodbye..."

                           ----====#===#===#====----


                                CARNATION MILK

When opening a can of Carnation evaporated milk for your recipes, just smile
and think of this.

A little old lady from Newfoundland had worked in and around her family
dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and
little compensation.  When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery
stores around the 1940's, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the
best slogan.

The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all ..."

She said, 'I know all about milk and dairy farms ... I can win this!"

She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front
of her house, a man got out, and he said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much,
we're here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it ..."

This was her entry:

   Carnation milk is best of all,
   No tits to pull, no hay to haul,
   No buckets to wash, no shit to pitch,
   Just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         Another one from the prolific and ever-reliable Digi Maria:
                           ------------------------------

                               DOG TERMS EXPLAINED

By Fido Dalmatian, Professor of Doglish, Dog University:

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your
person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest
room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't.  To do this
properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool
fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs.  Place your nose
as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat
several times, or until your person makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test
your ingenuity.  You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off
with your nose.  If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers
to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body
fat.  To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash
out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves
and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in
and they want to stay out.  Symptoms include staring blankly at the person,
then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end.  Humans remain
amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of
the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly,
and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy
wrapper.  When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all
over the house until your person comes home

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people.  After eating it is polite to
run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and
themselves.  You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LEAN: Every good dogs's response to the command "sit !", especially if your
person is dressed for an evening out.  Incredibly effective before black-tie
events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a
fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't
get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with
The Sniff.  See above.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without
restriction.  The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail.  If
you're lucky, a human will love you in return.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       And from one of our sister lists (Jokes Are Us), this variation on
       a theme:
                           ------------------------------


                   IN AUSTRALIA - YOU HAVE THE RIGHT ... TO LEAVE!

After Sydney not wanting to offend other cultures by putting up Christmas
lights.

After hearing that the State of South Australia changed its opinion and let
a Muslim woman have her picture on her driver's license with her face covered.

This prompted this editorial written by an Australian citizen.  Published in
an Australian newspaper.

     Quote:

IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT.  Take It Or Leave It I am tired of
this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their
culture.  Since the terrorist attacks on Bali, we have experienced a surge
in patriotism by the majority of Australians.

However, the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the "politically
correct" crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism
was offending others.  I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge
against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to Australia.

However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our
country, and apparently some born here, need to understand.

This idea of Australia being a multicultural community has served only to
dilute our sovereignty and our national identity.  As Australians, we have
our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle.

This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and
victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom.

We speak ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian,
or any other language.  Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society,
Learn the language!

"In God We Trust" is our National Motto.  This is not some Christian, right
wing, political slogan.  We adopted this motto because Christian men and
women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly
documented.  It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our
schools.  If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of
the world as your new home, Because God is part of our culture.

If the Southern Cross offends you, or you don't like " A Fair Go", then you
should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet.

We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, And we really
don't care how you did things where you came from.

This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you
every opportunity to enjoy all this.

But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag,
Our Pledge, Our National Motto, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you
take advantage of one other great Australian freedom, "THE RIGHT TO LEAVE".

If you aren't happy here then f#@* off! We didn't force you to come here.

You asked to be here.  So accept the country YOU accepted.

Pretty easy really, when you think about it.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


           And finally, one more contribution from Burnout ...
                           ------------------------------

                             THE GREAT AUSTRALIAN YARN

Len Evans, restaurateur, wine writer and raconteur, used to write a column
for The Australian newspaper, and over a period of weeks, sought entries
for the Great Australian Yarn.

This was the winner:

   Two drovers standing in a bar.  One asked, "What are you up to?"

   "Ahh.  I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

   "Oh yeah?  And what route are you takin'?"

   "Ah, prob'ly the Missus.  After all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

         Oh - and here's Davo's Quote of the Week:

"The world saw this tidal wave of disaster and now they're going to see a
tidal wave of compassion."

      - President George Bush
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Friday humour ]

 Previous (September 02, 2005)  Index Next (September 16, 2005)