Friday humour - September 02, 2005


     From Davo at bluehaze:

       G'day

    Against almost everyone's wishes, the Oz Government is still detemined to
    privatise Australia's most profitable telco - Telstra, but this week it
    released it's intentions to look after its media mates by relaxing media
    ownership rules.
    
    Australia already has the most concentrated media ownership in the free
    world.  The Keating media laws 18 years ago stipulated that nobody could
    own a combination of press, TV, and radio stations in any market.  In my
    view it's worked very well.
    
    Remember the days when The Herald and The Sun News Pictorial were like
    publicity rags for HSV7 and 3DB.  It's where the 7 callsign came from.
    
    And the HWT papers in Brisbane, Adelaide, and Perth used to plug BTQ7,
    ADS7, and TVW7.
    
    Sydney's Daily Telegraph and Daily Mirror were pushing TCN9.  And The
    Sydney Morning Herald and The Sun used to plug ATN7.
    
    The influencial Macquarie Radio Network was owned by the Fairfax papers,
    and 3AK was the Voice of Television City.
    
    Well it would seem we're about to return to this madness.  Except this
    time there won't be any foreign ownership restrictions.  The only control
    will be that there must be at least five owners in a metro area and four
    in regional areas.  Melbourne's current 10 media owners is likely to
    halved!
    
    So the likelihood is that Murdoch and Packer will end up both owning a TV
    network, newspaper chain, and radio network.  Murdoch will probably call
    his the Fox Network and have it run from the States.  A third similar TV
    and radio network is likely to end up as part of AOL, CBS, NBC, Canadian
    West ...  who knows maybe a privatised Telstra.
    
    It may be only a matter of time before we're watching the nightly CBS
    World News live or probably delayed from New York City.
    
    And the reason for this debacle?  More competition is the Liberal's
    answer.  I would have thought there was more competition when there are
    more owners.  Preferably local ones!  God help us all.
    
    [ Comment from Tony, the other Bluehaze FH editor: Unfortunately, this is
      what the majority of our moronic Australian population voted for - to
      sell the rest of the place off.  The Libs have made it perfectly clear
      since the economic rationalists (such as Howard) gained power that this
      is their vision.  And since the large media owners desperately want the
      cross-media ownership rules diluted or removed, and the Liberals said
      they'll do it, 99% of the Oz media suggested that voters tick Liberal. 
      Hey, what a surprise.  (Not really!)  Unfortunately, the non-thinking,
      non-caring (apart from their hip-pocket) lazy majority did so - quite
      predictably.  But isn't that so sad for our children? ]

    To the whimsical stuff ...

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    First one this week is from Mad Mick of Marwick:

                     MORE WRITING ON HOSPITAL CHARTS

 1. The patient refused autopsy.

 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

 3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

 4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only
    a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

 5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very
    hot in bed last night.

 6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

 7. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

 8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
    depressed.

 9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

10. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she
    got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. Skin: somewhat pale. but present.

25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

28. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

29. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane
    ran out of gas and crashed.

30. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

31. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions
    in early December.

32. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit
    on the abdomen and I agree.

33. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a
    stock broker instead.

34. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was
    feeling better.

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    Then there was this old classic from Burnout

                                 NAME DROPPING

Colin was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is
to know.  Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Colin how about
Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.

"So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door
and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Colin! Great to see you! You and your
friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Colin's boss is still sceptical.  After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was
just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Colin says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Colin says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they
go.  At the White House, Bush spots Colin on the tour and motions him and
his boss over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a
meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee
first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.  After
they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who
again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long
time." So off they fly to Rome.  Colin and his boss are assembled with the
masses in Vatican Square when Colin says, "This will never work.  I can't catch
the Pope's eye among all these people.  Tell you what, I know all the guards
so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.  Sure enough,
half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the
time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is
surrounded by paramedics.  Working his way to his 'boss' side, Colin asks him,
"What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came
out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the heck's that on the
balcony with Colin?"


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This was from Allnutss over at Highett

                          BIRDS & BEES - NEW VERSION

JUNIOR asks his dad: "Daddy, how was I born?"

His dad sighs and replies: "Ah, my son, I guess one day, you would Have to
find out anyway.

Well, you see, your mum and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mum and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from
my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither of us had used
a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button.

Six weeks later, your mum sent me an instant message saying that her
operating system was showing signs of unauthorised program activity from a
self-extracting file, which had implanted itself in her BIOS.

Then nine months later, a pop-up appeared and said  'You've Got Male!' "

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     A quickie from Fosters John

                                       MAGIC

David Copperfield has just finished his magic show. He decides to ask the
audience if they have any tricks they would like to share.

Nobody puts their hand up except one man. David beckons him on to the stage
and tells him to perform his trick. The man says "For this trick David I
will require the assistance of the lovely Claudia Schiffer and I will also
need a table."

He walks Claudia Schiffer over to the table and bends her over it. He then
proceeds to lift up her skirt, pull down her knickers and takes her from
behind.

David Copperfield is horrified and says "That's not a trick!!", to which
the man replies, "I know, but it's fucking magic."

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This from The Castlehill Bookworms:

                           WHICH ONE IS MAD MICKUS??

Last night I went to a party at our local senior center. The last Saturday
of every month they have an evening potluck supper.

We usually eat, play bingo, reminisce, and horny old Andy Thompson usually
cops a feel or two from the ladies. We heard, Selma Martin's grandson is
staying with her for a few weeks. It's rumored he got in a scrape over some
marijuana with the law in Pottsville and he came here to avoid the heat.

Anyway, Selma is known for her delicious Brownies and she always bakes up
a quadruple batch for each get-together. She makes enough for everyone and
some for folks to take one home for later.

For some reason they was extra good this week and every last one of them
was eaten. Not a one left over. We later found out, Selma's grandson, Barry,
laced them brownies with some of his marijuana.

Knowing this I guess it offers a logical reason for everyone feeling good
that night.

By the time Jack put on the bunny hop record everyone was in a real good
mood and it was the first time the whole place got up and danced..............

That is until the cops came to check all the noise complaints. Ah, but that's
another story ...

Check out the photo!  Click here

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   Not too many pics this week.  But we got a few from good old regulars
   Gropwo, Digi Maria, Allnutts, Burnout, Cartographer Chris, Capetown Eric,
   Sister Carol, Trina, Leahy from the Courier Mail, and Moir from the SMH.
   How about some contributions from you know who you are ...

   This late pic file on ATMs from Mandy M&Ms who says:

"This actually looks legit!!" Click here

   This message came out of the blue from a first-timer known as Duncan B:

   Hi there
I came across your website by accident and noticed on your Friday Humour
page dated June 08 2001, a funny letter about a bricklayers accident report
which you state is a true story. This may be incorrect as the origins of
this story are fairly old and were made famous by Gerard Hoffnung in his
address to the Oxford Union back in the 1950's.

The origins are even older than this and are said to be in the late
thirties. In 1940 it appeared in READER'S DIGEST as an actual letter
supposed to have been received by a naval officer from an enlisted man
who was explaining why he had overstayed his leave. Since then a version
of the story was performed as a song by Sean Cannon of the Dubliners and
it was called the Sicknote. This was written by a man called Pat Cooksey
based on Gerard Hoffnungs address.  I have included a couple of links. The
first one is a links to a MP3 file of Hoffnungs address (26Minutes)
and the second is the lyrics to the Sicknote song entitled Why Paddy's
not at work today: Click here and Click here

   Tony's plonked the address onto the bluehaze server - Click here

Fun in Los Vegas: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Telstra: Click here Click here Click here

Smithy assortment: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Belly singer Click here

The Big Reveal Click here

Motorola strip Click here

Sunday drive Click here

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   Back to ASCII and this from from UK Smithy

                                    DRINK UP

A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out
his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses
are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."

An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass
into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says,
"In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink
out of the same glass twice either.

The Texan, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his
glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi,
and catches his glass. He says, "In America we have so many Mexicans and
Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.

"God bless Texas!"

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    Burnout sent this in - err - out ... err ...

                            IS PROFILING REALLY WRONG?

Try this quiz ...

1. In 1968, Bobby Kennedy was shot and killed by:
a. Superman
b. Jay Leno
c. Harry Potter
d. a Muslim male extremist between the age of 17 and 40

2. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by:
a. Olga Corbett
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold Schwarzenegger
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

3. In 1979, the US embassy in Iran was taken over by:
a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

4. During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
a. John Dillinger
b. The King of Sweden
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

5. In 1983, the US Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

6. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old
   American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by:
a. The Smurfs
b. Davy Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

7. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a US Navy diver trying
   to rescue passengers was murdered by:
a. Captain Kidd
b. Charles Lindberg
c. Mother Teresa
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

8. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
a. Scooby Doo
b. The Tooth Fairy
c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

9. In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
a. Richard Simmons
b. Grandma Moses
c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

10. In 1998, the US embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
a. Mr. Rogers
b. Hillary Clinton, to distract attention from Wild Bill' s women problems
c. The World Wrestling Federation
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

11. In Oct. 2000, bombed and killed U. S. Sailors on U. S. S. Cole docked
    in Yemen by:
a. John Deere
b. Killer Attack Lesbians
c. Mississippi Mud Pies
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

12. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to
    take out the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one crashed
    into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted and crashed by the
    passengers. Thousands of people were killed by:
a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
b. Pope John Paul
c. Mr. Bean
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

13. In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
a. Enron
b. The Lutheran Church
c. The NFL
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

14. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
a. Bonnie and Clyde
b. Captain Kangaroo
c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

Nope, I really don't see a pattern here to justify profiling, do you?

Yeah, right!

So, to ensure we never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent on killing
us, airport security screeners will no longer be allowed to profile certain
people. They must conduct random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids,
airline pilots with proper identification, secret agents who are members of
the President's security detail, 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips,
and Medal of Honour winner and former South Dakota Governor Joe Foss, but
leave Muslim males between the ages 17 and 40 alone because of profiling.

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Here's an oldie but goodie from Brett Dude

                                  PAINT JOB

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction
of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on
their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the
door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from
outside the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can
come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

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A couple more contributions from Nottingham

                                   TRAINING

A mother took her small son to the city for the first time. After a day of
sightseeing they arrived at the station to catch the train back to the bush.

"Mummy". Asked the little boy, "big horses have little horses and big cows
have little cows, so why don't big trains have little trains?"

Faced with an awkward question, his mother took the easy way out.

"Go over and ask that man," she said and pointed to the information booth. The
boy trotted over and repeated the question.

"Who told you to ask me that" asked the info bloke.

"It was my mum" he replied.

"Right," said the bloke, "you go back and tell your mother it's 'cos big
trains pull out on time."

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                                 NUTS TO YOU

A man with a speech impediment goes into a nut shop, and the first thing he
notices is that the guy behind the counter has the largest nose he's ever
seen. The man with the speech problem quickly turns his attention to the
merchandise and asks, "Ess-tues me, sir?"

"Yes?" replies the clerk.

"Tould you tale me how mutsh your pisstasheos arr?"

"Pistachio's? They're $9 a pound."

"SSit!" The tongue-tied guy goes back to browsing and then asks, "Welp,
how mutsh arr your aahhmons?"

"Almonds? They're $11.50 a pound."

"SSIT! tas pensive," replies the tongue-tied man.

"Welp, how bout your pikanns?"

"Pecans? They're on sale today, they're only $14.50 a pound."

"Welp, Ssit. Just div me a pound of dose dhen."

"All right then," says the clerk as he bags up a pound of pecans.

Then the man says to the clerk, "Sirr, I just wanna thay tank you fo not
making fun of de way I talk, cauz I tan't hep it."

The clerk replies with a smile. "Oh sir, you don't have to thank me for that
I don't make fun of anybody. I don't know if you noticed but I have a rather
large nose."

The man replies, "Oh, is dat your noze? I tought dat wuz your pecker since
your nuts are so high!"

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Quote of the Week (re the floods in New Orleans).  From Kai:

  "It appears that there IS a difference between finding something and
   looting something.

   If you're white, it's called finding ..."

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[ End Fri humour ]


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