Friday humour - August 26, 2005


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

            Hi,
      Bit of housework first up this week.  IK (UK) saw the spectacular iceberg
      pic we had back on July 29 - Click here - and sent us this note: "I first

      saw the iceberg pic several years ago and have seen it numerous times
      since with different stories.  To find out more about it, Click here

      Gary (one of our esteemed scientists at CSIRO) asked me this week about
      alternative web browsers.  He said he'd heard that Microsoft's Internet
      Explorer (that's the one whose icon consists of a large blue lower-case
      letter "e") was bad news for surfing the web (read as: virus prone), and
      "had I heard of Opera?"  Well, yes - I've certainly heard of it (it's
      supposed to be very good), but personally, I use Mozilla or Firefox
      for web surfing.  We both had to laugh, though, at the fact that when
      you go to Microsoft to get any updates now, if you're NOT using their
      virus-prone Internet Explorer browser, you get a message to the effect
      that "You can't download Microsoft updates with your current web browser".
      The solution to this is actually simple - install Opera or Firefox
      or Mozilla and do make it your default web browser BUT don't delete or
      uninstall Internet Explorer.  You'll still need the "big blue e" for
      those 2% or 3% of idiot sites that have used un-approved Microsoft HTTP
      extensions for their pages.  (My solution is to create a new desktop
      folder called "Junk" and move the big blue "e" into that - that way,
      I can still run it if I ever need to.)

      On another subject, Isk sent this comment in (re the latest "Intelligent
      Design" vs Evolution fad in schools) - "There's a lot of buzz in the
      US over what should and shouldn't be taught in their schools.  This is
      an interesting link that makes light of the situation ... or does it?
      I donated :)"  Click here

      Finally, re last weeks "flaming" editorial, Beth Frear (in her beautiful
      remote part of Lincolnshire, England) was moved sufficiently to write a
      piece of her own comparing the up-coming Oz situation with that which
      already exists in the UK.  It's a large and detailed analysis, so I'll
      stick it at the end.  For now, though, it's ...

      Onto da jokes ...
                              ---------------------------


      From Ollie in CSIRO Molecular Science (hang on ... no, it's CMHT now -
      whatever that stands for) - okay, from Ollie in some new CSIRO merged
      division that no-one in CSIRO can ever remember the name of, we just
      received this contribution:

                               IN THE YEAR 2030 ...

It is the year 2030 and call centers are opening all over the West, as the
new economic power India outsources work to the countries where many jobs
originated.  Millions of Americans, still struggling to adapt to a global
economy, are willing to accept jobs that pay them in a new currency sweeping
much of the world: EuRupees.

Some of them, eager to land one of the customer service jobs from India,
are attending special training sessions in New York City, led by language
specialist Dave Ramsey, who goes by a simpler name for his Indian clients:
Devendra Ramaswaminathan.

On this warm afternoon, the professor is teaching three ambitious students
how to communicate with Indian customers.

Professor: "Okay, Gary, Randy and Jane, first we need to give you Indian
names.  Gary, from now on, you'll be known to your customers as Gaurav.  Randy,
you'll be Ranjit.  And Jane, you'll be Jagadamba.  Now imagine you just received
a call from Delhi.  What do you say?"

Gary: "Name as tea?"

Professor: "I think you mean 'namaste.' Very good.  But what do you say
after that?"

Gary: "How can I help you?"

Professor: "You're on the right track.  Anyone else?"

Jane: "How can I be helping you?"

Professor: "Good try! You're using the correct tense, but it's not quite
right.  Anyone else?"

Randy: "How I can be helping you?"

Professor: "Wonderful! Word order is very important.  Okay, let's try some
small talk.  Give me a comment that would help you make a connection with
your Indian customers."

Randy: "It's really hot, isn't it?"

Professor: "The heat is always a good topic, but you haven't phrased it
correctly.  Try again."

Randy: "It's deadly hot, isn't it?"

Professor: "That's better.  But your tag question can be greatly improved."

Randy: "It's deadly hot, no?"

Professor: "Wonderful! You can put 'no?' at the end of almost any
statement.  You are understanding me, no?"

Jane: "Yes, we are understanding you, no?"

Professor (smiles): "We may need to review this later.  But let's move on to
other things.  Have you ever heard Indians use the word 'yaar'?"

Randy: "Yes, my Indian friends use it all the time.  Just last night, one
of them said to me, 'Randy, give me yaar password.  I am needing it to fix
yaar computer."

Professor (laughs): "That's a different 'yaar,' yaar.  The 'yaar' that I'm
talking about means friend or buddy.  You can use it if you've developed a
camaraderie with a customer.  For example, you can say, 'Come on, yaar.  I am
offering you the best deal.' Do you understand, Jagadamba?"

Jane: "Yaar, I do."

Professor (smiles): "Okay, let's talk about accents.  If your client says
'I yam wery vorried about vat I bought for my vife,' how would you respond?"

Randy: "Please don't be vorrying, yaar.  She vill be wery happy and vill give
you a vild time tonight."

Professor: "Vunderful! I mean, wonderful.  You have a bright future, Ranjit.  And
so do you, Jagadamba.  But Gaurav, you haven't said anything in a while.  Do
you have any questions about what we've just learned?"

Gary: "Yes, Professor, I do have one question: Wouldn't it be simpler to
learn to speak Hindi?"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       And from Chris, SOB (which stands for Son Of Beth and NOT what you were
       thinking), we just received this interesting link re yet another
       unexpected application for an Avon Calling product - Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Muse (Canada) posted this over last Friday:

                   39 THINGS A REDNECK WILL NEVER SAY

39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

38. Duct tape won't fix that.

37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.

36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

35. We don't keep firearms in this house.

34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

33. You can't feed that to the dog.

32. I thought Graceland was tacky.

31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

30. Wrasslin's fake.

29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

28. We're vegetarians.

27. Do you think my gut is too big?

26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

25. Honey, we don't need another dog.

24. Who's Richard Petty?

23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.

20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.

19. Trim the fat off that steak.

18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

17. The tires on that truck are too big.

16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

15. I've got it all on the C drive.

14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?

12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

09. Checkmate.

08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

05. I don't have a favorite college team.

04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        And from the Kaiser, another slightly political one:

                            ONE AMERICAN'S THOUGHTS

  Here's the opinion (of one American) of what's wrong with his country  
  at the moment:

"We went from a Rhodes scholar responsible for the greatest period of peace
and prosperity this nation has seen in almost a century to a cocaine addled
misfit who despite (all in his first term) having destroyed the economy,
ignored a memo titled "bin laden determined to strike within the US" while
on vacation, fabricated intelligence showing non-existent WMD, presided over
the single largest failure of intelligence since Pearl Harbour and yet held
no one accountable, believes himself to be an emissary from God, destroyed
the military, rewrote the laws governing corporate accountancy allowing
Enron and its ilk (to prosper), unilaterally withdrew us from international
pollution agreements, and a bunch of other things.

And yet people voted for him AGAIN because he wasn't a "flip-flopper".

I have given up hope.  We will be eating Doritos and watching Britney Spears
on our 50" plasma TVs while the house burns down."

  [ Hmmmm.  In the UK and Oz, we also seem to be suffering from the same,
  brain-addled disease.  But WHOSE brains are really addled?  It has to be
  the voters, or (most likely) the Press.  But why?  Is there some degenerate
  mental disease going around that we don't know about?  (Bluehaze Ed.) ]
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         A quickie from Maria with the famous Digi connection ...

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls,
and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.  The puzzled blonde
kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally,
not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as
much as tennis elbow?"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Okay - to the pics and things.  First few are links to "others" so I
      have no idea if they'll still work in a week or more.  First up, from
      Moonboot, another amusing Ebay listing:
The wedding dress: Click here
                           ---------------------------

      And from Chris the mapper in Lands (NSW Govt), this one - with the
      comment "We're talking power!  Next time you need a bigger diesel
      engine, check with these guys first before you try ebay."

A diesel engine for those bigger jobs: Click here
                           ---------------------------


      An online game from IsK (and something's odd here - it's at Microsoft,
      but it works in Mozilla - must have been done by an Intelligent
      Programmer who wanted portability) ...

Bugged (Macromedia Flash): Click here
                           ---------------------------


      And from Peter (in the Oz Qld Govt), we just received:

Farting George Bush doll: Click here
                           ---------------------------

          From the CHBM (aka Castle Hill Books mob, in the UK):

Aussie Quizz: Click here
                           ---------------------------

      Back to Bluehaze links now (or those that Bluehaze has some control
      over ... many being over on Digi Steve's server at humour.pozzie.net).
      Here's another one from Moonboot:

Women's thoughts on men: Click here
                           ---------------------------

      From Brett the Valiant one, there's this dance collation:

I can't dance (M$ WMV movie): Click here
                           ---------------------------

      And Burnout forwarded on yet another collection of goodies for you:

The ultimate female piercing: Click here
Making a man interested in computing: Click here
Retirement calculator (M$ Excel): Click here
Blue Angels (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
For Sale (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
                           ---------------------------

      Maayan's still rapt at living over in Capetown in South Africa, and
      she also managed to get pretty fantastic grades in her Uni course,
      and she's enjoying her new job, and yet she still managed to pass on
      this collection for you:

Some more sweet furry-friend pics: Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here
More wonderful fruit sculptures (watermelons this time - are these real?):
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
                           ---------------------------

          Captain Ron passed on some more as well ...

Spicy Porn: Click here
How to deal with terrorists - the old way (you'll love this :-): Click here
                           ---------------------------

          And from GROPWO, a puzzle for you - what's wrong with this picture?

Can you pick it?  Click here
                           ---------------------------

          Finally for the week - these were passed on by DSC Tina:

Stripper (X-rated ... take GREAT care opening this one): Click here
BBC cops (M$ WMV movie): Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Back to the power of the written word now, and this one from Stephen
        over at the Oz "Jokes Are Us" list:
                           ---------------------------

A young Italian man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. 

For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things ... chickens,
cows, crops, etc.

After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored,
and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.

Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs,
and go out shooting?"

This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs
in trail.

After a few hours, the nephew returned.

"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         And then there was this quickie from John over at CUB:

A man is in a hotel lobby.  He wants to ask the clerk a question.  As he
turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside
him and, as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.  They are both quite
startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your
breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your pen_s is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

         Okay - that's it for the overt humour.  Now to Beth's comment re
         last week's editorial:

                             LETTER TO THE EDITOR

    (From Beth Frear in her beautiful remote part of Lincolnshire, England,
     where broadband (ADSL) has yet to reach)

  Dear Tony,
What you are describing is something we know all about from the Thatcher years.
One famous ex Prime Minister tried to stop her and labelled it "selling off
the family jewels".  Under 17 years of Tory rule we sold off first gas, then
electricity, the telephone system and major parts of the NHS ancillary services
(like hospital cleaning), and in the end, anything that would or could move.
North Sea Oil was plundered too, and now reserves are declining rapidly.

We thought the process would end when we got a Nu Labour Government, but
soon the railways went too.  Blair bought his election success with a private
meeting with Murdoch.  Now the wheeze is to buy in expert services at twice
the cost or more.  It's called the "Private Finance Initiative" .  It works
like this.  No local project, for example a hospital, can be built unless
the local National Health Service Trust accepts private finance in the deal.
Thats an inflexible government rule.  Along comes Finance Development Company
X with the only offer. (Company X is usually American).  The hospital is built
on land already owned by The NHS, but in an inconvenient out of town area.
It's smaller than was needed and services are restricted.  However in order to
get the finance the local NHS Trust has to demolish its valuable old in-town
site and hand it over to the developers who make a fortune building flats
and houses on it.  The sting in the tail is that the NHS has to contract
out all purchases of medical and ancillary services for the next 30 years
or so to Development Company X at astronomical fees.  It is inevitable that
the local Trust cannot pay these fees and will sooner or later go bankrupt.
There are then two options.  The first is that the Government (ie. us) pay
the kings ransom for the next 30 years, or the hospital is handed back to
the developers to run privately.

It's asset stripping on huge scale.  It's not just the NHS either - it's
schools and anywhere else there is land to be "freed " for development.
We are being robbed of our future by multi-national conglomerates working
hand in glove with a "Labour Government".  It's happening all over the globe,
not just in Australia.

Think of all that U.S. aid promised to Africa last month.  It's all
conditional on being used to buy American products and allowing in American
based multi-national companies to set up an asset strip the third world.
All those Anti-Aids drugs have to be bought at full market price, and the
local firms producing generic versions at a tenth the price must be shut
down before the "aid" is delivered.

I suggest a few enquiries about "who benefits most from this sell-off of
Australian assets" would tend to lead to the same conclusion.  You're being
corporate-raided by large American based multi-nationals.  They are like
a plague of locusts consuming the planet right now.  Look at Haliburton and
its associates in Iraq, with its own private mercenary army (aka technical
advisors) to enforce its writ.

You have to get up and fight politically. "Decisions are taken by those who
show up " is a famous and useful dictum.  The multi-nationals don't always
win.  You should hear what the people of The isle of Skye did when their new
bridge link was built by private finance.  The Isle of Skye is just over
100 yards from the mainland but the toll fare was 5 pounds each way!
Far more expensive than the old ferry ever was.  It took three years of
determined civil disobedience against a corrupt and weighted legal system,
but it was carried out with humour and style.  Last Christmas they won -
the bridge was paid for by central government and the tolls abolished.

But I have to say that 25 years down the line from the beginning of the
process we are all the poorer.  Goods and services are more expensive here
than practically anywhere else in Europe, and the quality we get in retun is
extremely poor.  Our schools are in a mess both physically and in terms of
staffing and equipment, our hospital waiting lists a disgrace.  The hospitals
are almost overcome with MRSA and Clostridium Difficile, and our trains have
had multiple rail disasters due to poorly maintained tracks.  The roads are a
mess and get worse, local council services always contract, never grow, and
the care of the elderly is a national disgrace.  The Government is milking
that too.  If the frail elderly have to go into one of the often disgusting
private care homes, their home and other assets are immediately put up for
sale to pay for it .  Only if the elderly exist there for a long time until
their funds run out does the government cover the cost.

But what about all the people who made a quick buck off all those sell-offs
of Government Assets?  They surely are sitting pretty?  Ah well - now that's
the beauty of Karma - or so I like to think.  The stock market crashes of
1987 and all the others that followed including September 2001, have wiped
out all those little nest eggs.  Now major pension providers have started
to crash too - and it's the gilt edged ones whe have gone first!  Nest eggs
have been halved or worse as the companies go into receivership.  Only the
big companies (with forenowledge?) escaped.  For instance they knew to sell
their shares in affected airlines in the days before 9/11. ( Why can't the
Yanks do the calender the right way around?)

What is happening is that the locusts have seen Australia as their latest
target.  It only takes a few corrupt politicians to open the door and soon your
country too will be stripped bare.  Your middle classes will be impoverished
or reduced to blue collar status as part of the plan.  Leaders, especially
political opposition, traditionally come from the middle-class, so they must
be abolished.  Just look at what Bush is doing to his own middle classes to
see what's in store.

Sorry if this is grim, but I've maintained an active interest in politics
since I graduated in that subject 34 years ago.  The trail of evidence is
too strong - this little letter is no left wing polemic - it is happening and
you are next.  Things can be done if people wake up in time, but you have the
handicap of having your media largely controlled by a prime player in all this.

My own personal answer is to retreat as far as possible from the system.  I
am chronically sick and disabled and not able to campaign anymore.  If your
home is paid for in an area no one wants to develop, your fuel supplies grow
all around you and your lifestyle is simple then you are of no interest to
the locusts.  I have opted out of our insane and stupid allopathic NHS that
just trains doctors to prescribe medicines that the drug companies tell them
will work.  (Merck, Sharp and Dohm should have their leading people arrested
and tried for crimes against humanity, but they are not alone.)  Homeopathy,
hypnosis and chiropractic work for me.  Food I buy locally where ever I can -
God Bless whoever thought of the farmer's markets!  As much as possible in
this globalised world, I avoid buying American.  I do what is in front of
me to make a difference.  That's all any of us need to do - small increments
by millions of people make an overwhelming difference.  Meanwhile, I use
Friday humour to maintain a sense of proportion and to remind me how to laugh.

What you are doing matters.  I post on your jokes (well - the cleaner ones)
to lots of others who need a lift (personally, I love the "sheepy jokes"
but not every one shares my crude sense of humour).

    Best wishes,
       Beth.
                           ---------------------------

  Bluehaze comment #1 (Tony):

  Psssst ... Beth: I'll bet they do share it!  They just wouldn't admit it :-)

  Re PM Blair, it wasn't just Murdoch that backed him.  Also Click here
  for the UK Labour Party's Zionist connection, which nicely explains Blair's
  particular interest in getting Iraq under control.  (Remember those Scuds
  that Hussein sent to Israel by air-mail in 1992, hmmmm ...?)

  But the obvious question: This is what Bush, Blair and Howard are trying to
  foist on the rest of the world (eg: Iraq) in the name of "Democracy".  But I
  don't get it.  It really doesn't seem very democratic to me.  What's gone
  wrong here?  We definitely seem to need some new political parties, guys!
                           ---------------------------

  Bluehaze comment #2 (Davo):

   Beth,
As I read what you were saying I felt I'd heard it all before - and then
realised that a taxi driver told me much of what you describe a few weeks
ago.  He moved here several years ago as he was so disillusioned about what
was happening in the UK.  He described what you said about the hospitals.
Whereas public hospitals used to conveniently exist in town centres - now
they are all privately owned by the multinationals in inconvenient locations
out of town.  It's such a shame that the Labour Party has maintained the
warped thinking of the Tories.  At least in the UK you have a good range of
daily newspapers.  We often read The Guardian articles reprinted in The Age.

I've managed to get Crossing the Rubicon from the library and it's a real
eye opener.  Unfortunately it's pretty much too deep and heavy going for me
but I'm trying to persevere with it.  It's the sort of thing that everyone
should read but fewer than 5% would read anything similar.  Most seem content
to get their news in 1 minute TV grabs and short feel-good yet war-mongering
Murdoch-inspired tabloid reports.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Friday humour ]


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