Friday humour - August 19, 2005


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

           Gidday,
      Firstly, a sad and shocking announcement for any ex-CSIRO DMP/Minerals
      people on this mail list (and I know there are a few of you).  Hugh
      Gidney, well known CSIRO workshop and automotive guru extraordinaire
      at DMP Port Melbourne (and later Clayton Minerals) died in the Austin
      hospital last Tuesday.  I won't give any more details via this medium,
      but suffice to say that any of you who'd like to attend the funeral out
      at Springvale on Monday, ring the work switchboard on 9545 8500
      (or Doug knight) and get the details.  He was 54.  R.I.P Huey.
                            -----------------------------

      Jen sent this comment after my 'editorial' of 2 weeks ago: "Have you
      seen this website? Click here It has a similar slant to your intro".


      It seems to be a rapidly growing web-based group who are furious with
      the current political situation in Canberra  (ie: Liberals having total
      control of both houses, the Australian Labor Party being so corrupt
      and stacked that no real talent can get their toe in the door) - and
      they want to do something about it.  They've been getting a fair bit
      of coverage in the mainstream press lately, which you'll see if you
      click around the site a bit.

      At the risk of being repetitive, I'm still in a state of gob-smacked
      shock with this Oz Government's agenda.  I mean - where on earth is
      the logic, financial or otherwise, in selling off highly profitable
      Government-owned instrumentalities like Telstra or Medicare Private?
      To me, it smacks of selling off that 2nd house you've been renting out
      so you can splash out on some expensive holidays for yourself for
      the next 10 to 20 years.  Our kids will lose out badly, of course,
      because that steady and increasing source of income is gone forever,
      but hey - *we* had a good time for a while, didn't we?

      More to the point, I'm still totally amazed at the 55% of Australians
      who voted for this sort of future at the last election.  Sure - once
      these money-making instrumentalities are sold off, the Oz economy will
      be swimming in money for the next 10 or 15 years, but then what?

      As I think I mentioned once before - I do have friends in Telstra and the
      word 5 or 6 years ago was that all infrastructure investment was being
      steadily wound down and staff sacked at an unprecedented rate with the
      specific goal of maximising Telstra's "saleability".  The goal was to
      "make it lean and mean" and maximise profits, just like private industry.
      "Roll out new lines to support cable and copper broadband?  Ha ha ha -
      you've gotta be joking!  Worry about long-term reliability of the
      underground cabling?  No way - get rid of the gas-pressurisation systems,
      too expensive.  Let the new suckers who buy us worry about all that."
      (This was in reference to the pressurising systems that used to keep
      water out of the underground copper lines for increased reliability).

      "But what about service levels?"  (More hollow laughter heard)  Oh well,
      as I said a cupla weeks ago, this is what most people in Oz want.  No
      accounting for latter-day moronic stupidity, is there?
                            -----------------------------

      Davo's off for a week's well-earned rest next week so you'll have to
      put up with me again next Friday.  But Ian passed on some great stuff
      for this week to make up for it - thanks Ian!

      Anyway, off the editorial soapbox and onto da jokes ...
      -------------------------------------------------------------------------


      We now have a connection with yet another humour list run by Stephen,
      known as "JokesAreUs".  It's almost as old as this one, and these
      contributions just floated across from that one ...
                            -----------------------------

A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom,
staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed:
"Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head,
hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again,
what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed
again. Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he
scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.

                           ----====#===#===#====----

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes
home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter...

Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes,
she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"

She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"

She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"

She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it - with the insurance money!"

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blow
job I promised you?  Here it comes ..."

                           ----====#===#===#====----

                               A REDNECK LETTER

   Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow' cause I know you can't read fast.  We don't live where
we did when you left.  Your dad read in the paper where the most accidents
happened within twenty miles of home, so we moved.  I won't be able to send you
the address 'cause the last Alabamian family that lived here took the numbers
with them for their next house so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine.  The first day I put four shirts in and
pulled the chain, and we haven't seen 'em since.  It only rained twice this
week, three days the first time and four the second time.

About the coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a
little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut the
buttons off and put them in the pockets.

We got the bill from the funeral home - said if we didn't make the last
payment on grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

About your father-he has a lovely new job.  He has over 500 people under him -
he's cutting grass at the cemetery.

About your sister - she bad a baby this morning.  I haven't found out whether
it's a boy or girl so I don't know yet if you are an aunt or an uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat.  Some men tried to pull him out but
he fought them off playfully, so he drowned.  We cremated him.  He burned for
three days.

Three of your friends went of the bridge in a pickup truck.  One was driving,
the other two were in the back - the driver got out - he rolled down the
window and swam to safety.  The other two drowned - they couldn't get the
tailgate down.

Not much more news this time, nothing much has happened.  Love Mum

PS: I was going to send you money, but the envelope was already sealed.
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

         And from Boots in at the Melbourne arm of the ABC ...

                    WAR OF THE WORLDS - JAPANESE STYLE

Tsk Tsk ... Click here
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------


       And from Tom, this interesting site re Solar Power - Tom says
       "Whilst not something you'd put in your backyard, the brochure reads
       quite favourably" ...

World's largest solar installation to use Stirling technology: Click here
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------


                  Now for a couple of contributions from Biggus ...
                          -----------------------------

Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a light
   bulb?

A: None.  There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; it's conditions are
   improving every day.  Any reports of its lack of incandescence are delusional
   spin from the liberal media.  That light bulb has served honourably, and
   anything you say undermines the lighting effect.  Why do you hate freedom?

                           ----====#===#===#====----

                               GREAT NEW JOB

A young man, fresh out of business school, answered a want ad for an
accountant.  He was interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a three-man
business:

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly,
I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to
worry about money.  Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars a year."

"Eighty-five thousand dollars!" the young accountant exclaimed. "How can
such a small business afford to pay me a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------


                And from Mark at PLC in another Oz state ...
                          -----------------------------

                               THE NEW PRIEST

A new priest had arrived at the parish, and in honour of his arrival the
parishioners decided to hold a festival of welcome for him.

The choir leader approached the priest and said "To celebrate this occasion
you may choose three hymns"

The priest turns to the choir, thinks carefully for a minute, then points
saying "I'll take him, and him, and him....."
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------


          Just before we hit the pics for this week, this interesting
          one from M&M (with her poor little broken foot) ...
                          -----------------------------

                          THREE LITTLE WORDS THAT WORK

"Hold on please ..."

Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of
hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more
time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.   Then when you
eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's
time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed
its task.  These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.

                                  --#-#-#--

                             EMPTY TELEPHONE CALLS

Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and
records the time of day when a person answers the phone.  This technique is
used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call
back and be assured someone is at home.

What you can do after answering if you notice there is no one there is to
immediately start hitting your # button on the phone 6 or 7 times as quickly
as possible.  This confuses the machine that dialled the call and it kicks
your number out of their system.

Gosh - what a shame it is for them not to have your name and number readily
available any longer.

                                  --#-#-#--

                                  JUNK MAIL

When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these ads"
with your payment.  Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.

When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from
credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the
return envelope.  Most of these come with postage-prepaid return envelopes,
right?

It costs them nothing if you throw them away.  It costs them more than the
regular 50 cents postage "IF" and when they are returned.  In that case,
why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool
little, postage-prepaid return envelopes.  Send an ad found in the letter box
for your local chimney cleaner to American Express.  Send a pizza coupon to
Westpac.  If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their
blank application back!

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them
guessing.  It still costs them $1.00.  If you want to remain anonymous, just
make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own
junk back in the mail we need to OVERWHELM them.  Let's let them know what it's
like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it.  Twice!

Since they say that e-mail is cutting into their business profits so let us
help keep Australia Post busy and assist in preventing any  need to increase
postage costs again.  You get the idea !

If enough people follow these tips, it will work.  Maybe you'll get very little
junk mail anymore ...

This just might be one of those that you WILL want to forward to your friends.
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------


         To the pics for this week now - and first up, three items from a
         new contributor, Tina.  The first one's a Powerpoint slide show
         with music - not so much humourous as beautiful:

Vincent (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
No comment necessary - has a cupla repeats, but good (M$ Powerpoint) Click here
A new mouse (M$ WMV movie): Click here
                          -----------------------------

         Dave Barker found yet another Schapelle joke ...

Conviction: Click here
                          -----------------------------

         Muse over in Canada passed this one on ...
Marriage symbol: Click here
                          -----------------------------

         And from Doug the Knightly one (who's about to mount his steed and
         ride out of CSIRO):

Woman formula: Click here
Virus really killed the system: Click here
                          -----------------------------

                   A few from Captain Ron next ...

Funny ad collection (M$ WMV movie): Click here
Bud ad #1 (M$ WMV movie): Click here
Bud ad #2 (M$ WMV movie): Click here
Bud ad #3 (M$ WMV movie): Click here
Snow fight (may be a repeat but what the heck) - MPEG Movie: Click here
                          -----------------------------

                      And a couple from Burnout ...

Grand-dad (M$ WMV movie): Click here
No arms (M$ WMV movie): Click here
                          -----------------------------

            From GROPWO (our GRossly Overpromoted Warrant Officer):

Period time: Click here
                          -----------------------------

            This one from Digi Steve (where many of the FH pics live now):
My family: Click here
                          -----------------------------

               The Madsens came across this little movie ...

Nuts to you! (M$ WMV movie) Click here
                          -----------------------------

           Back to the good old UK now and this pair (one pic, one movie)
           from the Castle Hill Books mob ...

Racist blonde: Click here
Pierced ears (X-rated) (M$ WMV movie) Click here
                          -----------------------------

                From Kirsten, another little WMV movie clip:

Slide fun (M$ WMV movie): Click here
                          -----------------------------

                     And from UK Smithy, another WMV movie:

Wedding ring (M$ WMV movie): Click here
                          -----------------------------

                 From Chris the Cartographer in Sydney:

Ouch (M$ WMV movie): Click here
                          -----------------------------

         Another collection from the UK - these ones from Moonboot:

Keep Your Parents off the Internet (Macromedia Shockwave) Click here
Sue 2003-style (Macromedia Shockwave) Click here
Watching Porn (Macromedia Shockwave) Click here
                          -----------------------------


                       SHORT SOUND BITES - PETE AND DUD

      Finally, a couple of sound files from a long while ago.  These are
      from Pete and Dud (Peter Cook and Dudley Moore).  Take care though -
      even though they're from the late 1960s, the 2nd one is especially
      disgusting (albeit quite funny).  Dredged these ones up myself ...

Celebrity suicide (MP3 audio) Click here
Come again (warning: quite disgusting, even for nowadays, but funny) MP3 audio: Click here
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Back to the spoken (or written) word now, and it's over the the B1
     bottling line and this collection from CUB John:
                          -----------------------------

                                   ARMLESS

A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up.  Her first
husband was violent, and her second husband ran off with another woman.
Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually, so she
put an ad in the classifieds:

Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't abuse me, won't leave me,
and is good in bed.

About a week later, her doorbell rings.  She opens the door to find a man
with no arms and legs on her front porch.

"I'm here about your ad," he offers.

"You must be mistaken," she begins to reply.

"Let me explain," he interjects. "I can't beat you, because I don't have
any arms.I can't run off, because I don't have any legs.

"But," she demands, "How do I know you're good in bed?"

"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

                           ----====#===#===#====----

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a
rooster.  Whack!  The rooster disappeared under the car.  A cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell.  A farmer
appeared.  The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster,
please allow me to replace him".

"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."

                           ----====#===#===#====----

PHILADELPHIA, Pa.  A woman is suing the pharmacy that sold her a popular
contraceptive jelly because she ate the stuff on toast and got pregnant
anyway.And, incredibly, many legal experts are saying she's got an
excellent chance of collecting!

"The woman is a complete idiot," said one attorney who asked that we not
use his name. "How bright can you be if you think eating a vaginal gel
will prevent conception?

"But certain aspects of the case involve truth in labeling and false
advertising issues.  She may not collect but she'll make a lot of noise
and trouble.  People are down on lawyers anyway.  They think we waste time
and money on frivolous lawsuits.  This isn't going to help our public
relations any."

A spokesman for the unnamed mom-and-pop drugstore says he's shocked and
angry that such a case could ever be taken seriously. "All she has to do
is open the box and read the directions," says the spokesman. "Next thing
you know someone will come after us because they couldn't stick things
together with their toothpaste. "I can just imagine some moron saying:
'It's paste, isn't it? Why can't I glue these papers onto my bulletin
board?' "

But attorneys for Mrs. Chyton say she was swindled and lied to by
implication and they intend to make the pharmacy pay $500,000 for the
hardship the woman will have to endure.

"It says right on it 'jelly,'" says Mrs. Chyton, a former model who was
once a cheerleader for a popular professional basketball team. "And they
kept it on the shelf just two aisles from the food section.  I know, now,
that the directions say it should be used vaginally with a condom. "But
who has time to sit around reading directions these days -especially when
you're sexually aroused? "The company should call it something else and
the pharmacy shouldn't sell it without telling each and every customer
who buys it that eating it won't prevent you from getting pregnant."

As bizarre as it sounds, the pharmacy could wind up losing the lawsuit.
"It's hard for businesses to avoid troublesome lawsuits," said another
attorney. "With the courts bending over backwards to please consumer
groups, the temper of the times is perfect for these crackpots to bring
legal action against businesses even a moronic legal action like this."
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------


          A cupla boom-boom quickies from Maria the Digi person ...
                          -----------------------------

Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis?
A: So they can get oxygen to their brain!

Q: Why is food better than men?
A: You don't have to wait an hour for seconds
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------


         Over to the UK now and this one from the Stu ...

                            UNDERGROUND ANNOUNCMENTS

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on
any part of the Underground.  However, if you are smoking a joint, it is only
fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

Heard at Earl's Court: "The train at platform three is not going to Parsons
Green but to Richmond.  The train approaching platform two is also not going to
Parsons Green but to Ealing Broadway.  These trains are not going to Parsons
Green despite what the signal men think."

On the Northern Line: "Beggars are operating on this train; please do NOT
encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please
give it to a registered charity.  Failing that, give it to me."

At Leyton station (where a train was stationary despite a green light):
"Sorry for the delay ladies and gentlemen but there is a queue of trains
ahead of us so I have decided to wait here, because I'm sure you don't want
to sit in a tunnel getting hot and sweaty"

On the Central Line: "Next time, Sir, you might find it easier to wait until
the doors are open before trying to get on the train"

At King's Cross: "This train is completely broken, it isn't going anywhere"

At Camden Town Station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): 'Please let
the passengers off the train first.... Please let the passengers off the
train first.... Please let the passengers off the train first.... Let the
passengers off the train FIRST!   Oh, go on then - stuff yourselves in like
sardines, see if I care - I'm going home.'

Mill Hill East: "Hello this is (xxx) speaking.  I am the captain of your train,
and we will be departing shortly.  We will be cruising at an altitude of
approximately three feet, and our scheduled arrival time in Morden is 3:15pm
local time.  The temperature in Morden is approximately 15 degrees Celsius,
and Morden is in the same time zone as Mill Hill East, so there's no need
to adjust your watches."

On a delayed train at Epping (when the driver had a chat with a colleague,
unaware that he'd left the Tannoy on): "B******s to the lot of them.  I don't
care if they don't make it to work."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced
in a West Indian drawl: "Step right dis way for de sauna, ladies an
gennelmun.... Unfortunately, towels are not provided."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security
alert at Victoria Station, and we are stuck here for the foreseeable future,
so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together.  All together
now.... `Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....`"

"Ladies & Gentleman, upon departing the train may I remind you to take your
rubbish with you.  Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal,
fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for public transport
and not a wheelie bin."

Driver: "I apologise for the delay leaving the station ladies and gentlemen;
this is due to a crusty masturbating on the train at Edgware Road.  Someone
has activated the alarm and he is being removed from the train."

"Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the bad news??
The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had
a great time.  I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent me a
card! I drive you to work and home each day and not even a card.  The bad news
is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham,
which means that we probably won't reach our destination for a good ninety
minutes yet.  We may have to stop and return.  I won't reverse back up the line
- simply get out, walk up the platform and go back to where we started.  In the
meantime if you get bored you can simply talk to the man in front or beside
you or opposite you.  Let me start you off: "Hi, my name's Gary how do you do?"

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from
elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing one from the other.  I'll let you
know any further information as soon as I'm given any".

"Please mind the closing doors..." (The doors close. The doors open.)
"Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of the
train are called the doors.  Let's try it again, shall we? Please stand clear
of the doors."  (The doors close...)"Thank you."

"I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered into
the tunnel at Euston.  We don't know when we'll be moving again, but these
people tend to come out pretty quickly...usually in bits."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service.  I know
you're all dying to get home unless, of course, you happen to be married to
my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the westbound platform
and go in the opposite direction.

"Please allow the doors to close.  Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold
the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.  Please note
that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about
to close.  It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

"Apparently this train is no longer terminating at Barking, but is in fact
terminating here.  I'm sorry about this, but I too was under the impression
that this train was going to Barking, but `they` have other ideas.  I mean,
why tell me? I'm merely the driver...."

"We are now travelling through Baker Street: As you can see, Baker Street
is closed.  It would have been nice if they had actually told me so I could
tell you earlier but no, they don't think about things like that."
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------


     And one final contribution from Stephen at JokesAreUs to close out
     the week (always good to have closure, ain't it):
                          -----------------------------

                               ANTI-TERRORISM

As part of an effort to crack down on terrorist activity within Britain,
Prime Minister Tony Blair has instituted a new series of tests that any
applicant for British citizenship must pass:

- The ability to express the full range of human emotion by gentle throat
  clearing.

- The ability to drink a full pint of warm flat beer (non-alcoholic beer is
  permitted, but in this case two pints must be consumed).

- The ability to complement the cook after consuming a dinner of cold mashed
  potatoes, cold peas, and cold burnt meat.

- The ability to instinctively know if it's tea first or milk first.

- The ability to praise the French while clearly indicating that since 1066
  they've pretty much been a bunch of losers.

- The ability to praise the Americans while clearly indicating that they
  got lucky that one time in the late 1700's.

- The ability to colour in red those bits of the globe that still should
  properly belong to Britain (extra credit if the United States is included).

   And finally

- The ability to utter the phrase "British Way of Life" without cracking
  even the hint of a smile.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Friday humour ]


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