Friday humour - August 05, 2005


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

            G'day,
      In Australia, many of us are only just beginning to realise what the
      majority of our gullible population voted in at the last election.
      The Government have proposed a set of workplace reforms which will
      essentially abolish any form of "basic wage" or protection for employees.
      Not only that, but *everything* will now be up for grabs.  Do you
      *really* need a  morning and afternoon tea and lunch break?  Do you
      *really* want "time and a half" for working beyond the normal 8 hours?
      Do you *really* want Long Service Leave?  Sick Leave?
      "Well, go somewhere else - we don't offer those luxuries here!"

      Fine - and many people will go elsewhere, but if you were applying for
      that job and you just happen to be on unemployement benefits, you'll
      probably lose the next 3 month's payments for having turned this great
      opportunity down.

      Because the majority of Australians gave these Liberal Party "Economic
      Dry" fanatics a majority in *both* Houses of Parliament at the last Oz
      election, they're now about to do this, and more.  It seems that their
      general (unstated) theory is that, if workers in China are prepared
      to work for 50c an hour, Australians had better get used to the idea
      of doing the same.  After all, this is the "global free market" at work.

      Ten or twenty years ago, we did seem to have the spectre of some unions
      running rampant in Australia (it was almost funny to watch).  Especially
      in the building industry and on the waterfront.  So this Government,
      beginning with Peter Reith, has had as a major goal their destruction.
      To some extent, it's already achieved this, although general apathy
      toward Union membership in the workplace has probably done even more.
      (What percentage of YOUR workplace belongs to a union, hmmmm?)

      Anyway, since I'm obviously in the minority in worrying about any of
      this, I guess it's just a case of Onward and Upward and "shut-up and
      stop whinging".  The majority have spoken, and we'll all get what they
      wanted - no more and no less.  Brave new world ... whooo whoooo.
                         ---------------------------

      Just before we do hit the humour - back on November 14, 2003 we gave
      you a song from a mystery group called the Chimney Sweeps.  Howard
      Allingham was their lead singer, and he just told me that their CD
      has been re-released on a 12 inch vinyl LP in the US, would you
      believe?  Click here and scroll about half-way down!  This New York

      company sent Howard a few gratis copies and he just showed me one.
      Unbelievable - a real 12 inch vinyl LP, just released in the US!
                         ---------------------------

      Okay - to the humour now, and first up, one from Sir Douglas:
                         ---------------------------

                               NEVER BE LATE

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in
the parish.  A leading local politician and member of the congregation was
chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was
delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard
here.  I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.  The very first
person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and,
when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer.  He had stolen
money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair
with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.  I was
appalled.  But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like
that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies
at being late.  He immediately began to make the presentation and give his
talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the
politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him
in confession ..."

 Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE
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     A quickie from Maayan over in beautiful Capetown ...

Got this on email and had to translate it...

"The malasian police arrested 58 people who are members in a cult which
worships a huge tea pot. The cult members, who believe the tea-pot has
special healing qualities, were arrested being suspected of "deviant
behaviour which contradicts the Islam belief". "

Makes you think, I suppose...
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     And from Digi Maria, this collection:

                               THE PASTOR'S VISIT


A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his
parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that
someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked
several times.

Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it
in the door.  The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card
in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation "Genesis 3:10."

Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man
hears my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine
with him, and he with me.

"Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I
was afraid, because I was naked."

                           ----====#===#===#====----


                                   NOT MY DAY


Today I got up early as usual. When I was going to have breakfast I slipped
on the stairs and got a big bump on my head.

To calm me down, my wife gave me a cup of coffee; I burned my tongue because
it was too hot.

I put a slice of bread in the toaster and when I went to get it out I got
an electric shock that sent me on my behind.

The telephone rang, it was the office just to tell me that last night the
safe was broken into.

I decided this was a good time to take a nice hot shower and relax in order
to bring down my stress

When I was done, I felt so good, I decided to be productive and clean the
shower doors......

That's when it happened Click here

Darn they're such a PAIN!!

                           ----====#===#===#====----


                                 CAT SAYINGS


Ever wonder where the expression tomcat , or, tom-catting around came
from? A racy best-selling book, "The Life and Adventures of a Cat", was
written in the mid-1700's in England, and the hero was a cat,  the author
named "Tom"! This phrase has stayed with us for more than 200 years!

How could a cat get your tongue? Scholars believe that this expression
was derived from a barbaric custom in the Middle East several centuries
ago, when it was common to dispense horrific punishments to criminals,
one of which was to rip out the tongue from a person who had supposedly
lied. Other punishments included chopping off the hand of a thief, and
those severed body parts were then given to the king's pet cats as their
daily food. Yuch!!!

In Medieval England, buyers would bring their tender young pigs to sell
in the common marketplace. However, there were some unethical sellers who
would try to trick buyers by concealing large cats in the bags instead of
suckling pigs. Shrewd shoppers quickly caught on to this tactic, and
would demand the sack to be opened in order to inspect the pig. Oops!!!
All too often, it was the cat that was let out of the bag!!

Our modern saying curiosity killed the cat is actually a spin-off of an
old saying that really had nothing at all to do with the cat's natural
sleuthing abilities! In the 16th century, there was a saying, "care kills
a cat". This statement meant that cats seemed to be very cautious,
careful and worrisome creatures, and too much anxiety can be bad for
one's health, even to the point of sending one to an early grave. A cat,
then, could be killed by excessive "care" as indeed could a human. Over
the years, the meaning of the word "care" changed, and the word
"curiosity" was substituted in the phrase, intending to explain that this
was a trait that got both people and cats into trouble sometimes!

Back in a theater of Shakespeare's age, impatient gentlemen of that era
made noises that sounded like a fence full of howling cats to register
their disapproval of a performance... hence, we have the term catcalls!!

The Roaring '20s ushered in some new phrases relating to cats that are
still used and enjoyed today. A cool cat is someone who keeps up with all
the latest fads and trends! The cat's meow describes ideas that were
truly "too cool for words"! Actually, the phrase the cat's pajamas means
the same thing... only no one seems to know quite why!!

Have you heard the phrase a cat's paw? This is a label for someone who
has been taken advantage of and wasn't smart enough to "cat"ch on!
Experts say this saying has its origin from an old folk tale in which a
clever monkey tricks a not-so-clever cat into reaching into a fireplace
to pull out some chestnuts that were roasting there. The monkey got the
chestnuts, and the cat got second-degree burns!

Cats certainly are not cowards, but they are definitely smart enough to
scamper away (often up the nearest tree) when a larger enemy threatens
them. Hence the terms fraidy cat and scaredy-cat!

Some people still believe the myth that tennis rackets and violin strings
are made from catgut. Thankfully, this is NOT true! In the German
language, the word "kitgut" was used to describe a small fiddle, which
led to a confusion through the translation of words and an age-old
question.

Someone who is experiencing a bad case of anxiety or nervous agitation is
often called a cat on a hot tin roof. This term was firmly planted in our
minds when the famous play by the same name was written by playwright
Tennessee Williams. The British use the expression cat on hot bricks
instead... presumably because the British like to be different from
Americans!

Nine lives, nine tails. In olden days, a savage tool called the cat
o'nine tails was often used to administer a very painful flogging as
punishment. Originated in Egypt, it is possible that the original device
was made from the hide of cats. Three separate knottings of three strands
each were affixed to the whip's handle. It was the mystical number nine
again that kept the feline superstitiously and wrongly associated with
this murderous practice.

The ancient Egyptians assigned cats and dogs as companions to the gods
and goddesses who ruled over climate, and the cat was associated with
rain, while dogs were associated with wind. A really heavy storm, which
combined lashing strong winds and torrential down-pouring rain, indicated
that both cats and dogs had a hand in the storm, i.e., it was raining
cats and dogs! Another possible explanation of this term is that in early
17th century London, cats and dogs often did their mice-hunting on the
rooftops of buildings. It certainly does rain a lot in London, and the
poor animals were sometimes caught there during a storm, to be washed
from the rooftops, over the eaves, and to fall on the top of startled
passersby.

Interestingly, when we really like someone, we often call them pussycats.
However, we also refer to people as a sourpuss! Even though cats are very
expressive creatures, not many people can honestly say they have seen
their cat scowl! In ancient languages, the word "buss" referred to the
face, and especially the mouth and lips. Over time, the word changed from
"buss" to "puss", and, well, you know!!

We don't understand why cats aren't immortalized for their quiet
footsteps and cunning hunting abilities in a more positive way... when we
say pussyfooting around, chances are that we are using the expression to
describe someone who is acting just plain ol' sneaky!!

There are now more cats owned as pets than dogs in Britain and America.
And, in the last 10 years, the number of cats we have sharing our homes
has DOUBLED!
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    To the pics now, and first up it's this one from Butterworth Barbara:

The Irish Digital Clock is really very clever and has finally been
finished after four years of hard work. Go to the site below to see the
results. This is a real clock, and it's pretty cool - Click here
AND - a great game - Click here
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    One pic from the CHBM (Castle Hill Books Mob, in the UK) comes with
    this little intro: "So I was driving to work the other day and this dick
    in a truck pulls out in front of me ..."
Dick: Click here
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     And from James Powell "Those young boys are at it again ..."
Headline: Click here
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     IsK passed these on with the suggestion "Don't ever let your face get
     onto the internet ..."
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

     and "Things that make you say ..." - Click here
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     Maria sent in yet another collection of vegetable art:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

     plus - the actual Ebay advert has finally been captured ...
The ad: Click here The story: Click here

     Why DID the chicken cross the road?  Click here
Girl string: Click here
Boy string: Click here
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     Ron passed on a few too ...
Screen cleaner (slightly X-rated): Click here
How do I feel today?  Click here
London fights back: Click here
The Shane Warne song (a repeat, methinks): Click here
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      And from Moonboot over in the UK:
Latest door to door scam: Click here
Nine Coronas (repeat, but excellent): Click here
Microsoft: Click here
Craziness: Click here
Dublya dressup: Click here
The elements: Click here
RIAA: Click here
Kill Bill: Click here
Mario Click here
The Matrix: Click here
Anyone speak Spanish?  Click here
99 boobs (very X-rated - probably out of Playboy) Click here
The Athens 2004 collection: Click here
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     And from Rod over at BHP, this "day at the office" in Africa:
 Click here
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     Mandie sent in this collection of all-time classic pics:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here
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    And from The Saint:
Aerial shot: Click here
Liger: Click here
I'm too sexy: Click here
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   Rowan Davo came across another Kaboom clip and passed it on:
Kaboom: Click here
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   Muse over in Canada sent this over - another hot-day truck solution:
Cheers! Click here
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   Finally, from GROPWO:
Flabby Thighs: Click here
Sign at NottingHillGate station in London: Click here
Reporting weed: Click here
Kiss my nose: Click here
Everyone should have a Red File: Click here
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         Back to the written stuff now and this one from Riz ...
                         ---------------------------

                        FRENCH ANTI-TERRORIST MOVES

Following the events in London last week, the French government announced
yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide.

The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate.

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white
flag factory, effectively paralyzing their military.
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         And from the UK, we received this one from Moonboot:

                               ONE FOR THE GIRLS


Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on
   the ground?
A. Shoot him again.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and
   the noose.

Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve
   around him
     OR......
A. Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about
   the screwing part.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling
your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because none will stop and ask for directions.

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman
   to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "Instruction Manual"
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      This one from Doug the Knight is a repeat, but it's so good ...

                                PLEASE, LORD

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and
she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask
God for help.

She begins to pray.... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if
I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me
win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins. She again prays... "God, please
let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to
lose my car as well."

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays...

"My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car.
My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always
been a good servant to You PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time
so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.  The blonde
is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....

"Sweetheart, work with me on this.  Buy a ticket."
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        And a couple more from Burnout, beginning with this bit of religious
        humour ...

                                   HYMN 365


A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all
the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The choir leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly
laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365, "Shall We Gather at
the River."

                           ----====#===#===#====----


An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an
office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with
patients. As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the
receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said:
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE - YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE,
IS THAT RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to Look at
the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied:
"NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT
THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
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        And from our friendly storeman (Brett), we received this:

                                   BLOW UP

 A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for
an inflatable doll.

"Would you like male or female?"

"Female, please."

"Would you like Black or White?"

"White, please."

"Would you like Christian or Muslim?"

This question confused the man . . . and he replied,
"What has the religion got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll!"

"Well," explained the assistant, "the Muslim one blows itself up."
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       Finally for this week, Rosalie just passed on an interesting article on
       the Peak oil crisis from Industry News Weekly Newsletter of Thursday,
       August 4, 2005.  The original - Click here
       and the full report - Click here
       If these don't work for any reason, here's the INWN article anyway:

       US GOVERNMENT-SPONSORED PEAK OIL REPORT PAINTS BLEAK PICTURE
          Wednesday, August 03, 2005

A report sponsored by the US Department of Energy on the subject of a "Peak
Oil Crisis" has drawn many unsettling conclusions and predicted a possible
shattering of the global economy if mitigating steps are not taken.

"Peaking of World Oil Production ^ Impacts, Mitigation and Risk Management"
was researched by a team from independent research group Science Applications
International Corporation and used sophisticated modelling techniques to
analyse the likelihood of a peak oil crisis and the possible ramifications.

"Peak oil" describes the point at which global oil supplies have reached
their maximum output in relation to remaining stocks and therefore begin a
steady decline in world supply.

The primary conclusions drawn were:

Peak oil is going to happen - Peak oil could severely damage the US economy -
Oil peaking would represent an abrupt and unique challenge in human history -
Liquid fuels (primarily from the transportation sector) are the main issue
- Any attempts at mitigation require significant lead time - Government
intervention is required - Given sufficient lead time, mitigating efforts
with current technology could reduce economic upheaval

Three main scenarios were envisioned, involving mitigation action taken 10 and
20 years prior to peak oil, and action taken once it peaks. It showed that
acting 20 years in advance would possibly avoid a liquid fuels shortfall,
while action 10 years before would leave a decade of shortfall, and acting
after the peak would see a minimum two decades where a liquid fuel deficit
would cause significant global issues.

"The obvious conclusion from this analysis is that with adequate, timely
mitigation, the costs of peaking can be minimised," the report said.

"If mitigation were to be too little, too late, world supply/demand balance
would be achieved through massive demand destruction (shortages), which
would translate to significant economic hardship."

The report canvassed possible mitigation efforts, including the much-discussed
use of oil sands and shale to supplement global oil stocks. The report
found that although conversion programs would help, they would not come
near to solving the problems faced unless part of a long term process of
oil dependency reduction.

According to the report, insufficient information is currently available to
discern whether or not a peak oil crisis is about to happen, or has already
begun.  The primary issue is the lack of information from middle-eastern
oil producers who, although responsible for a major percentage of global
oil production, refuse to divulge how much oil remains in their fields.

"The peaking of world oil production presents the U.S. and the world with
an unprecedented risk management problem," the report's executive summary said.

"As peaking is approached, liquid fuel prices and price volatility will
increase dramatically, and, without timely mitigation, the economic, social,
and political costs will be unprecedented. Viable mitigation options exist
on both the supply and demand sides, but to have substantial impact, they
must be initiated more than a decade in advance of peaking."

Although funded by the US Department of Energy, copies of the publicly-
available report have been conspicuously difficult to find via conventional
methods.
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[ End Friday humour ]


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