Friday humour - July 29, 2005


     From Davo at bluehaze:


    G'day

As I have no big issue to let loose on here (please send letters and
interesting web sites!) I thought I'd relate something that happened to me
yesterday with Australia's most profitable bank.  The good old National.
I've recently started paying my elderly aunt's bills for her and after having
a fair bit of trouble getting the relevant authorities in place can now sign
her cheques and view her accounts on the web.

Fortunately Aunty Eunice still has all her marbles and queried why $47 interest
had been withheld from her latest interest credit entry.  The reason was
simple enough.  I hadn't quoted my tax file number ... mind you, I'd never
been asked for it.  So on Monday last week I gave it to them over the phone
(I have a phone ID and password with them).  As it had not been corrected I
rang the bank yesterday and they were very vague as to the actual entry that
I was referring to.  The friendly lady got the account up on her screen and
said she could only see the last three entries.  I told her to have a look
at the entry for 1 July - it's about six down from the top.  And would you
believe it?  She said to me - no, would you please be able to print that
screen and fax it to me?

So there I was - viewing the NAB's own data from its own website - and had
to provide the NAB staff with a copy of it.  Amazing!

Funnily enough I heard on Radio National on the way home that the National has
been caught out incorrectly processing interest payments dating back to 1994.
There's hundreds of thousands of dollars involved.  Goodness gracious.
The National Bank must be in a mess.

This is another great Google site.  Click on the Satellite and drag the map
around to your own neck of the woods.  See how close you can get to your
rooftop - Click here

I imagine Colin Powell used something like this when he addressed the United
Nations in 2003 saying of Iraq - we know you have weapons of mass destruction
and we know where they are ...

It would seem he'd honed in on a Downeyflake doughnut van.

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First up this week some stuff from Burnout

                              MEMORIES ARE MADE OF THIS

Little Johnny and little girl playing in a mud box and Little Johnny, being
a little boy, was playing with his goober.

The little girl was not bothering anybody she was sitting there playing with
a crawfish when all of a sudden she dropped the crawfish between her legs.

Little Johnny had got bored and wanted to see what kind of goob the little
girl had. He put his hand down between the girls legs and you can imagine
what happened... YES... Little Johnny's finger was just about taken off.

Poor Little Johnny... this gave him a complex. All through grammar school,
middle school, high school, he wouldn't have anything to do with a girl. He
went to college and the last year there, he met this girl and after college
they got married. They had been married now for about 6 months and Johnny
came home to a crying wife.

She said, "Honey sit down we need to talk. Am I ugly? Do you love me?"

He said, "No your not ugly. And yes I love you. And why do you ask?"

"Because we dated a year in college and have been married for six months
and we have not made love!" she said.

Johnny said, "I am so sorry. Let me tell you a story about what happened to
me when I was a kid." And he did.

The woman started laughing and said, "Honey I promise I won't hurt you!"

Johnny said, "I'm sorry but if you can't love me for who I am then we need
to split up."

She said, "Just let me prove it!" So she stood up, took all her clothes
off and went to the kitchen and got a piece of bread. She went back to her
husband and said, "Watch."

She started to put the bread down there when she farted!

Johnny flew into the bedroom and locked the door. The wife beat on the door
and pleaded for him to come out!!

He replied, "Oh no I told you it would hurt me! If that sucker growls over
a piece of bread, just imagine what it will do to a piece of MEAT!
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And from Allnutts

                                  LEARNING TO SWEAR

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started
swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear
after me, ok?"

"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for
breakfast. "Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops"

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up,
and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,"And what do YOU
want for breakfast, young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be fucking Coco Pops"

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A newsflash from IsK

                                 NEW TRANSPORT FARES

London transport authority are putting fares up to pay for the damages caused.

Tube fares will cost an arm and a leg and bus fares are set to go through
the roof.

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This weeks pics are from IsK, Gropwo, Burnout, Sydney Bob, Chris the Cartographer, Nike Steve, UK Smithy, Davee in Scotland, Moonboot, Deanna, Digi Maria, Brett Dude, Horny Mike, Mandie M&Ms, and the Castle Hill Books mob.


    From Digi Maria:
EVER SEE AN ICEBERG FROM TOP TO BOTTOM?
This is awesome! This came from a Rig Manager for Global Marine Drilling
in St. Johns, Newfoundland. They actually have to divert the path of
these things away from the rig by towing them with ships! Anyway, in
this particular case the water was calm & the sun was almost directly
overhead so that the diver was able to get into the water and click this
pic. Clear water huh?!  They estimated the weight at 300,000,000 tons.
 Click here


    From Isk:
Three men are sitting at a bar and talking about the last birthday present
that they got for their wives.  The first one says, "I bought my wife
something that goes from 0 to 100 in 6 seconds!"

The other two ask him what he got her. "I got her a Porsche. And she's never
been happier in her life."

The next guy says, "I know what you mean. I bought MY wife something that
goes from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! -and she's on cloud nine!"

"That could only be a Ferrari," the other two say.  "And what did you give
your wife for her birthday?," they ask the third.

"Now, I don't want to brag, but I bought my wife something
that goes from 0 to 200 in 2 seconds."

"No way," say the other two, "That's way faster than the Ferrari and the
Ferrari's the fastest thing there is!"

"Nope." the other man says, I got my wife something faster but the funny
thing is that she's really not all that happy about the fact that it goes
from zero to 200 in 2 seconds."

"Wow." one of the men said, "That's hard to believe. do you have a picture
of it?" Click here


    From Nike Steve:
Unbelievable....
Q) You're in the Middle East, you're a police officer and you find a suspicious
abandoned briefcase. You might think it's a bomb. What should you do?

A) Clear the area and call the bomb squad?

  or

B) Open it yourself without any protective equipment while being assisted
by other police equally unprotected and allow bystanders to look over your
shoulder and crowd around?

What did this police officer do?  Click here

    From Brett Dude - and Mike the Horne:
It's a big ad! Need sound for full effects!
Pass on to your respective beer loving partners...
To all you beer lovers out there!!!!!
Check out this awesome new ad ... Click here


    From Dave Allnutts:
See how good you can look to a man after he has had a few beers!!
Drink up Click here

Monitor cleaner Click here

How your tonsils see the world! Click here

Moonboot's comic assortment
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Morning breath Click here

Heavy penalty Click here

Digi Maria's priceless pics
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Good mixers Click here

Hello ball Click here

Big world Click here

Caught short Click here

Ouch!  Click here Click here

Fine art Click here

Interesting chair Click here

Davee from Scotland's Opus in Kilts:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Circle of prayer: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Nice shoes Click here

Just released Click here

Trailor park trash: Click here Click here Click here Click here

Superjugs Click here

Pillar box Click here

Happy days Click here

3AW Nightline cut (audio only - MP3) Click here

Meet you later (a repeat, but what the heck - a classic) Click here

Leave an informative message Click here

Triple M rocks footy Click here

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   Back to ASCII and this from the Bookends

        THE ORIGINAL STORY OF THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house
and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool,
and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is
warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he
dies out in the cold.

                        THE MODERN NEW ZEALAND VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house
and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool,
and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is
warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and
demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while
others less fortunate like him are cold and starving. TV1 and TV3 show up to
provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of
the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table filled with food. Kiwis are
stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to
suffer so while others have plenty. LABOUR supporters, the Greens and the NZ
MAORI PARTY demonstrate in front of the ant's house. TV1 , interrupting an
Maori cultural festival special from Waikato with breaking news, broadcasts
them singing "We Shall Overcome." Helen Clark and Ruth Dykeson rant in an
interview with Paul Holmes that the ant has gotten rich off the backs of
grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him
pay his "fair share." In response to polls, the Labour Government drafts the
Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retrospective to the
beginning of the summer. It is quickly passed through Parliament. The ant's
taxes are reassessed and he is also fined for failing to hire grass hoppers
as helpers. Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed
retrospective taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. The ant moves
to Australia, and starts a successful agribiz company. The TV stations later
show the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food though
Spring is still months away, while the government owned house he is in,
which just happens to be the ant's old house crumbles around him because
he hadn't maintained it. Inadequate government funding is blamed, retired
Prime Minister Dame Helen Clark (also known as Sir Helen) now is appointed
to head a commission of inquiry that will cost $10,000,000.

The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised
by the government for enriching New Zealand's multicultural diversity,
who promptly terrorize the community. The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug
overdose, the New Zealand Herald blames it on obvious failure of government to
address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity. The Spiders
await Legal Aide cheque to assist them to bring their 20,000 brothers and
sisters to New Zealand, and to sue Social Welfare and Family Support sighting
the $2,000 weekly benefit as being inadequate.


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Finally a couple more from IsK

                                       E-MAIL

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids.
He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude
test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage
of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in
the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise
you when to start and where to report on your first day."

Taken aback, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor
an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a
company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail
address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his
wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25lb. crates
of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner
and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes
and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day,
he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags
of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day.

By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into
the night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he
acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before
a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pick-up truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their
neighbourhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying
the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community
college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs
fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to
work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks
and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the
boys manage.

The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people
to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting
with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new
circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to
send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and
has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have
e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if
you'd had all of that five years ago!"

"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping
floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."

Which brings us to the moral of the story ...

Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor
than a millionaire.

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                                         Aging Drunks

Two old drunks were drinking up at a bar.

The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands.

By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard."

"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem.

I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."

"So," says the second drunk, "What's your point?"

"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

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Quote of the Week:

    (re. the military trial of Aussie David Hicks at Guantanamo Bay)

  "It is impossible for Mr Hicks to get a fair trial where the US Department
   of Defence plays the accuser, jailer, prosecutor, defence attorney,
   judge and jury in a matter".

      - Lex Lasry, QC - Law Council of Australia

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[ End Fri humour ]

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