Friday humour - July 22, 2005


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

         G'day,
    We did have a couple of "Letters to the editor" this week after Davo's
    comments of last week, but they're large, so I'll put them at the end
    instead!  For now, it's straight onto the humour - first up with this
    large collection from Trevor over at Capetown:
                        ----------------------------

                       EDINBURGH FESTIVAL BEST QUOTES

  In case people are in need of a chuckle this afternoon, and didn't already
  see it in the Independent:

                     THE BEST 50 JOKES FROM EDINBURGH

Dodo died, Dodi died, Di died, Dando died ... Surely Dido's looking a bit
worried.
  Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was
never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep
at night.
  Susan Murray at the Underbelly

I saw Lee Majors the bionic man the other day on the Royal Mile. He looked
a million dollars... he's really let himself go...
  Eddie Bannon at the Gilded Balloon

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people
were given pointed sticks?  Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I
was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a twat.
  Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?
A: The ultrasound people.
  David O'Doherty at the Gilded Balloon

I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I looked
like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian.  They said, "Say something funny
then." I told them I had just graduated from flying school.
  Ahmed Ahmed at C34

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.. She said,
"Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right,
but we won't get much done."
 Jimmy Carr at the International Conference Centre

We have our own local version of Big Brother round my way.  It's called jail.
 Colin Ramone at The Stand

I joined a dating agency and went out on a load of dates that didn't work
out. And I went back to the woman who ran the agency and said: "Have you not
got somebody on your books who doesn't care about how I look or what job I
have and has a nice big pair of boobs?" And she checked on her computer and
said: "Actually, we have one, but unfortunately, it's you."
  Karl Spain at the Gilded Balloon

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
  Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

Seeing these three elderly ladies fall about laughing at a fart joke was an act
of human defiance for me - they might not be here on Tuesday.
  Daniel Kitson (right) at The Stand

They sent flowers to the funeral. And I couldn't help thinking, if you'd sent
them before, she'd have pulled through her illness.
  Reginald D. Hunter at the Pleasance

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of
our family holidays in Customs.
  Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon
Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind
legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're
enjoying it as well.
  Scott Capurro at the Pleasance

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he
would have been better off with more oxygen.
  Jimmy Carr at the International Conference Centre

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because
eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And
you murmur to yourself: "Shit, I wasn't listening ... Self-raising?"
  Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched
someone in the face.
  Jeremy Limb, Paul Litchfield and Dan Mersh at the Trap

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
  Jimmy Carr at the International Conference Centre

My friend said to me: "You must be more American," so I went to have
botox. The surgeon said to me: "That's $8,000." I couldn't even look shocked.
  Shazia Mirza at the Pleasance

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the
obvious one was "Shout For Help".
  Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the girl
out of Cork...
  Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

A quick way to lose weight: subtract your birth weight, because you haven't
gained that part.
  Carsten Bang, from Danish Comedy, at the Gilded Balloon

When I was in prison I played football for the stalkers. We weren't bad
players but when one of us would go for the ball, we'd all go. There was no
one looking for space.
  Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned
out it was a bloody hoax.
  Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

The Butler Report is the political equivalent of saying, "Leave it out lads,
we've all had a drink".
  Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

I've just become a lesbian. At first I wasn't sure if I was gay or bi but I'm
definitely vegan so I'm moving in the right direction.
  Jade the Folksinger at the Pleasance

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner
and a loser at the same time.
  Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

I read a book called The Secret Life of Adolf Hitler. It told me things that
I never knew. For instance, when Hitler was having sex he liked to pee on
people. That put me right off him.
  Martin "Bigpig" Mor at The Stand

Me hot water heaters packed up so I had to fill the bath using a kettle
and a load of saucepans... Mind, it was effing uncomfortable when I got in.
  Seymour Mace at Cafe Royal

An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an Egyptian
princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be quiet.
  Ahmed Ahmed at C34

Did you enjoy summer this year? It was on a Thursday.
  Jeff Green at the Assembly Rooms

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
  Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

Walking down Princes Street, soaking up the atmosphere, I saw a big sign
that said: "Bus tours, ten quid." So I thought I'd give it a try... What a
rip off. Ten quid to have a look round a bus!
  Seymour Mace at Cafe Royal

I like the Ten Commandments but have a problem with the ninth. It should
be: "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's ox" - except in scrabble.
  David O'Doherty at the Gilded Balloon

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already
got one!"
  Norman Lovett at The Stand

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
  Chris Addison at the Pleasance

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very
good at it.
  Arnold Brown at The Stand

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then
on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained
for that.
  Milton Jones at the Underbelly

Am I really the brains behind The Office? Put it this way, I was signing
copies of the script in Waterstones the other day. They threw me out. It
appears that you're meant to get permission first.
  Robin Ince (who appeared in The Office) at the Underbelly

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
  Chris Addison at the Pleasance

I bought my parents a house. Unfortunately it was worse than the one they
had before.
  Todd Barry at the Assembly Rooms

Ask people about God nowadays and they usually reply, "I'm not religious, but
deep down, I'm a very spiritual person."  What this phrase really means is:
"I'm afraid of dying, but I can't be arsed going to church."
  Colin Ramone at The Stand

Two blind fellows walk into a wall.
  Lee Mack at the Assembly Rooms

I don't need Viagra. I need a woman.
  Sol Bernstein, as played by Steve Jameson, at the Gilded Balloon

50 Cent, or as he's called over here, approximately 29p.
  Sarah Kendall at the Pleasance

I bought some bread this morning. Ciabatta? No, it was a fixed price.
  Nice Mum, at the Underbelly

I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign:
"This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"
  Arnold Brown at The Stand

How many members of U2 does it take to change a light bulb?
Just Bono... he holds it and the world revolves around him.
  Al Pitcher at the Underbelly
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


                   A super-quickie from Hollywood Len:
                        ----------------------------

Do not follow where the path may lead.  Go instead where there is no path
and leave a trail.
   --Emerson.

(Great quote for anyone who lives their life in self doubt)
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        This is something that's been floating around quite a bit in the
        last couple of weeks following the London bombing - but just in
        case you missed it ... (from Digi Maria and Mad Mick):
                        ----------------------------

                         ICE - In Case of Emergency

A campaign encouraging people to enter an emergency contact number in
their mobile phone's memory under the heading ICE (In Case of Emergency),
has rapidly spread throughout the world as a particular consequence of last
week's terrorist attacks in London.  Originally established as a nation-wide
campaign in the UK, ICE allows paramedics or police to be able to contact
a designated relative / next-of-kin in an emergency situation.

The idea is the brainchild of East Anglian Ambulance Service paramedic Bob
Brotchie and was launched in May this year. Bob, 41, who has been a paramedic
for 13 years, said: "I was reflecting on some of the calls I've attended at
the roadside where I had to look through the mobile phone contacts struggling
for information on a shocked or injured person.  Almost everyone carries
a mobile phone now, and with ICE we'd know immediately who to contact and
what number to ring. The person may even know of their medical history."

By adopting the ICE advice, your mobile will help the rescue services
quickly contact a friend or relative - which could be vital in a life or
death situation. It only takes a few seconds to do, and it could easily
help save your life. Why not put ICE in your phone now?  Simply select a
new contact in your phone book, enter the word 'ICE' and the number of the
person you wish to be contacted.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      And just before we hit the pics, some links to some (scientifically)
      interesting articles in Nature magazine from Jill.  Trust that these
      work for you (Nature tend to restrict much of their on-line stuff):
                        ----------------------------

                              INTEREST FACTOR

Low-carbon' power plant planned for Scotland - Carbon dioxide will be removed
from fuel and buried underground: Click here

Oceans in trouble as acid levels rise - Report calls for more stringent
carbon cuts to protect seas: Click here

Vitamin C best in the cold Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Okay, time for the pics - and first up, from IsK:
For the Doberman owners out there, do you sometimes wish you had a poodle?
Kits: Click here
Shappele Corby back in 2001 - the evidence? Click here Click here
 [ Somehow I don't think so!  Ed. ]
Google moon view (max zoom is cool): Click here
Boxup game: Click here
Some Shockwave fun - Juggler: Click here
More shockwave - The Olympics: Click here
                        ----------------------------


      From Burnout:
Want to buy a new(?) car? Click here and Click here
Backyard Cricket: Click here
(Gross) work: Click here
Tom Cruise's ideal woman: Click here
Who said romance is dead? Click here
Boy's night (an oldie): Click here
Girl's night (likewise): Click here
                        ----------------------------


      From Michael W, an old friend of mine (well, he's not old - he isn't
      even 21 yet).  Designed to be played as a loop (if your player has
      that as an option) - or just hit the "play" button again when it ends.
      His Dad (Mark) did the screaming bit.  Some fun stuff done at home:

Knife advert: Click here

   Michael adds: "You might want to check out my webcomic too - Click here "


                        Cray fishing trip on the Murray

      Mike's Dad (Mark) also likes to go cray fishing on the Murray.  On their
      last trip, they drank solid for about 8 hours, and then in the morning
      tried to leave the campsite.  One guy got his van jammed between two
      trees, and he just wouldn't give up - he just gunned his truck, and
      this was the result:

Jammed: Click here Click here Click here Click here (with Mark on the right :-)

Oh well, may as well use it for something: Click here
    (Mark told me they then took it down to the local pub and parked it over
     the road with a sign: "For Sale, Caravan, low mileage - suit handyman"
And some crays they caught on the trip (raw): Click here
Then later - cooked: Click here
   [ NB: The above pics were taken by me pointing a video camera at Mark's
     prints as propped up on his front step - that's why they're fairly "soft" ]
                        ----------------------------


        From the Madsens - "A contribution for FH - especially for the beer
        drinkers amongst us.  Great for those several times a day when I am
        speaking with someone boring ..."  Click here
                        ----------------------------

        A collection from Digi Maria:
Sporting tips: Click here
How to tell if it's a gay party: Click here
Interesting lightening shot: Click here
Peace: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here
Smile: Click here
                        ----------------------------

        And another collection from Hollywood Len (who's leaving Hollywood
        and heading back East, we hear):
For those that don't know - Click here
The rednecks collection: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here
                        ----------------------------


       From the UK and the Castle Hill Books mob:
Tortoise (animated GIF - wait for it): Click here
Love my job: Click here
                        ----------------------------


       And from Doug the Knight and Mr Moonboot (could be a repeat):
Men's Rules: Click here
                        ----------------------------

       Ron sent these over at various times:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
                        ----------------------------

       And John Sanderson posted this interesting letter of complaint:
 Click here
                        ----------------------------

       Brett alerted me to these movie clips:
Plane hits kid: Click here
Leg break (Ugh!!) Click here
                        ----------------------------

       And Digi Steve passed on this interesting one - a genuine test for
       a concrete anti-terrorist concrete barrier:
Test drive: Click here
                        ----------------------------

        David the (J)enius passed these Shockwave animations on:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here
                        ----------------------------

       And this one's from "Marinator" - a classic movie clip:
Best drunk: Click here
                        ----------------------------

       These two shots as passed on via our Westerly list show the results of
       a pitbull having had a go at a porcupine:
Not a happy puppy: Click here Click here
                        ----------------------------

       And finally, a few as passed on by Moonboot.  The first one's Ali G
       interviewing some porn stars and it's VERY BIG (27Mb) - you'd need
       to be very patient unless you're on broadband:

Ali G interviewing some porn stars (BIG - 27Mb, and X-rated): Click here
Plus 4 other smaller clips: Click here Click here Click here Click here
And a few pics: Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Back to the humble written word now, and first up, a couple from
       the UK and Moonboot:
                        ----------------------------

                              LABRADOR RETRIEVER

A man is sitting in an airplane which is about to take off when another man
with a Labrador Retriever occupies the two empty seats beside him.

The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically
at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he's a sniffing dog, the best
there is.  I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first
man,"Watch this."  He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search."

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few
seconds.  He then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm.

He says, "Good boy."

The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession
of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police
who will apprehend her on arrival.

"Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles.  The Lab sniffs about,
sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat, and places
two paws on the handler's arm.  The airline rep says, "That man is carrying
cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."

"I like it!" says the first man.

A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles.  Sniffer goes up
and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone.

He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and craps all over the
aisle and the seat.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly
well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What the hell is going on with this
stupid dog?

The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb."

                           ----====#===#===#====----


                                 DEAR DIARY

Day 1.

Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate.  When
it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom
and cried.

Day 2.

Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me.  He's impotent, he says, and he
wants me to be the first to know.  Why doesn't he tell me something I don't
know!  I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3.

This marriage is in trouble.  A woman has needs.  Yesterday, I saw a picture
of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4.

A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his
'problem.' It's called Viagra.  I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will
be just like they were on our wedding night.  I think this will work.I replaced
his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5.

What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6.

Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7.

This Viagra thing has gone to his head.  No pun intended!  Yesterday, at
Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper.  He thought they
were talking about him.  But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think
I've ever been so happy.

Day 8.

I think he took too many over the weekend.  Yesterday, instead of mowing the
lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker.  I'm also getting a
bit sore down there.

Day 9.

No time to write.  He might catch me.

Day 10.

Okay, I admit it.  I'm hiding.  I mean, a girl can only take so much.  And to
make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky!  What am
I going to do?  I feel tacky all over....

Day 11.

I'm basically being screwed to death.  It's like living with a Black and
Decker drill.  I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed.  Even my armpits
hurt.  He's a complete pig.

Day 12.

I wish he was gay.  I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or
even washing but he still keeps coming after me!  Even yawning has become
dangerous ...

Day 13.

Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack!  It's like going to bed
with a scud missile.  I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry"
thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

Day 14.

I've done everything to turn him off.  Nothing is working.  I even started
dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny.  Help me.

Day 15.

I think I'll have to kill him.  I'm starting to stick to everything I sit
on.  The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any
more.  Last night I told him to go and f**k himself and he did.

Day 16.

The bastard has started to complain about headaches.  I hope the bloody
thing explodes.  I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going
back on Prozac.

Day 17.

Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference ...
Christ!!!  Here he comes again.

Day 18.

He's back on Prozac.  The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all
day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything
for him.  What absolute bliss!!.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


                      A quickie from Digi Maria ...
                        ----------------------------

                                   OUR SHANE

In light of the new revelations surfacing about Shane Warne, a survey was
conducted yesterday in the UK of 500 randomly selected women, who were asked
if they, given the opportunity, would have an affair with Shane Warne?

75% of the participants said "Never again".
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       And finally, just before the "Letters" - one more contribution from
       IsK (may contain a couple of repeats, but what the heck):
                        ----------------------------


                              ADULT NURSERY RHYMES

 Mary had a little pig,
 She kept it fat and plastered;
 And when the price of pork went up,
 She shot the little bastard.

 Mary had a little lamb
 Her father shot it dead.
 Now it goes to school with her,
 Between two hunks of bread.

 Jack and Jill went up the hill
 To have a little fun.
 Stupid Jill forgot the pill
 And now they have a son.

 Simple Simon met a Pie man going to the fair.
 Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
 "What have you got there?"
 Said the Pie man unto Simon,
 "Pies, you dumb #$%!"

 Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
 Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
 All the kings' horses,
 And all the kings' men.
 Had scrambled eggs,
 For breakfast again.

 Hey diddle, diddle the cat took a piddle,
 All over the bedside clock.
 The little dog laughed to see such fun.
 Then died of electric shock.

 Georgie Porgy Pudding and Pie,
 Kissed the girls and made them cry.
 And when the boys came out to play,
 He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

 There was a little girl who had a little curl
 Right in the middle of her forehead.
 When she was good, she was very, very good.
 But when she was bad ...
 She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car
                 =========================================


               LETTERS TO THE EDITOR re London and terrorism
               ---------------------------------------------


     From UK Beth in that remote part of Lincolnshire, England:

   Dear Tony and Davo,
Here is slightly different look at the Terrorist Bombings:

Last week millions of UK citizens and others from all around the World stood
in silence to show their respect for the victims of the bombs and their
families.And also to show they would not be beaten. Actually its hard to
imagine a more inappropriate target than London that has been bombed on and
off for almost a century.Despite the flamboyant rhetoric of some Islamist
web sites, London has never given way before bombers, even in the Blitz -
and never will.

How do I personally feel about the Muslim Community in the UK now? Well if
I'm totally honest I'm not surprised by what has happened. Islam seems to me
to be a faith built on circular reasoning that is just asking for someone to
come along and exploit it for their own sick ends. It felt that way before
the bombs and nothing has changed.What ever line of questions a thinking
Muslim may ask it always comes back to the point where the Mullahs announce
that somethig must be "because the prophet said so." Obedience, not thinking
is required, and a clever Mullah with a violent agenda is in a position of
absolute authority over his flock. The openly racist tendencies among many
British whites has contributed significantly to the concentration of British
Muslims in poor ghetto communities that makes them easier to reach by those
who come here to recruit for terrorism.Unemployment and poverty are fertile
recruiting ground.

So I'm against Islam am I? Hmmn? Well it goes further than that. I'm against
any religious faith, that when questioned, insists I should follow their
mantras because "God", "the Prophet", "some bunch of old guys wandering
around the desert three and a half thousand years ago" said so. Those that
try to tell me they have an exclusive line to the Divine are clearly
delusional blasphemers if they cannot share that communication on an open
line with us all. The rest are simply very human but dead guys whose
mortality seems to have robbed them of all fallibility.

 I guess I'm definitely "against " all faiths that come under the popular
heading, "the people of the Book." Or rather I am wholly disbelieving of all
varients of the Bible. Its not just Muslims who do terrible things to
innocent people to please their Mullahs. Its the Christians who blow up
abortion clinics and murder doctors and nurses "in the name of God". I'm not
forgetting all the Christians who have taken us to war in God's name in the
present century and previous ones. I seem to think George Bush has a pretty
strong conviction that he is God's chosen instrument to fight that wonderful
catch phrase, "the axis of evil". Its a saluatory lesson that we so quickly
forget that the Serbs executed Muslims in the name of Christianity less than
a decade ago, or that in Africa so called Christian Guerrillas are this very
day terrrorising , torturing and murdering little children as young as six
and seven. Hell, lets abandon the speech marks and parenthesis and get
real - Yes, I'm against them all!

All week after the bombs I recalled the end of Charles Dicken's story, "A
Christmas Carol". Beneath the hem of his long cloak, Christmas Yet To Come
hid two wretched children.One was called Poverty and the other Ignorance.
But, he warned, by far the most dangerous of the two was Ignorance. I'm even
more sure that we will  never fight back against terrorism until we teach
our children to think for themselves and offer all children, everywhere a
proper, secular and balanced education..We need to forbid the preaching of
guilt and  violence in any faith , to muzzle for all time the religious
zealots.Its not the members of other faiths who should offend us, but those
two cancers that blight all our lives, Poverty and Ignorance.

                           ----====#===#===#====----


        And from The Courthouse Bed and Breakfast in Broome:

     Hi Guys
After a few years of enjoyment I thought it was time I put something in.
Sadly it's not a funny site but at least you have to laugh at the idiots who
started this whole war.

Iraq stats: Click here

It's also a good example of how the media only use Iraq as a filler when
there's not a lot going on.  Keep up the good work

Shane, Broome - Click here
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Friday humour ]


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