Friday humour - July 15, 2005


     From Davo at bluehaze:

      G'day
   Well it would seem that the London terrorist bombers are homegrown.
   I'm not going to pass comment on this but thought by way of a change
   let's look at what a couple of others think.

   As Friday Humour is a no spin zone we at Bluehaze like to look at all sides
   of any issue.  The views of the second correspondent are not necessarily
   shared by the management and staff at Bluehaze Communications Inc but it
   appears that this submission was sent in by a regular reader.

   We at Bluehaze prefer not to divulge the names and addresses of our
   contributors and prefer to use nicknames and locations.  There is no need
   to send contributions via mock e-mail addresses.

   This is a well considered musing passed on by Smithy of Nottingham.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?

This is London. We've dealt with your sort before. You don't try and pull
this on us.

Do you have any idea how many times our city has been attacked?   Whatever
you're trying to do, it's not going to work.

All you've done is end some of our lives, and ruin some more.   How is that
going to help you?   You don't get rewarded for this kind of crap.

And if, as your MO indicates, you're an al-Qaeda group, then you're out of
your tiny minds.

Because if this is a message to Tony Blair, we've got news for you.   We don't
much like our government ourselves, or what they do in our name.   But, listen
very clearly.   We'll deal with that ourselves.   We're London, and we've got
our own way of doing things, and it doesn't involve tossing bombs around
where innocent people are going about their lives.

And that's because we're better than you.   Everyone is better than you.   Our
city works. We rather like it. And we're going to go about our lives.     We're
going to take care of the lives you ruined. And then we're going to work.   And
we're going down the pub.

So you can pack up your bombs, put them in your arseholes, and get the fuck
out of our city."


   Then there was this sent to me by three seemingly different anonymous people
   and signed off by "JN (AUSSIE C*NT)".  Not very well strung together but
   I think you'll get the drift.  It has been heavily edited as it goes on
   for three and a half pages.

"The end of Australia, the rise of islam and the fucking smell of arabs
(especially lebanese).

With the bombing of London by coward Muslim scum, most Australians believe
they are next in line. why? Beecause successive governments have sold the
Australian people out by continuing to import the filth of the earth to our
once great, peaceful and prosperous nation.

Despite the fact that these "shit" races support beheading non-Muslims and
white people, despite the fact they believe its okay to "rape a white bitch"
because she is white, despite the fact that they add no productivity too our
country and, as is the case in England, represent four times the average
unemployment, the Government continues to allow them to come in to our
country at unprecedented rates.

Despite September 11, Bali, Madrid and London bombings were carried out by
these Muslim scum, our Government continues this multicultural experiment with
you and YOUR children as the guinea pigs. Our Government is in fact subjecting
Australian women to brutal gang rapes by cowards, as well as unprecedented
assaults, thefts, and murders on the broader Australian population.

Just take a look at the shitty countries these people are coming from. Iraq,
Iran, Libya, Palestine, Syria, Egypt, Lebanon. None of these country's excel
in anything and that is because they are uncivilised shit that rape beat and
murder women and children, and have such low values on life that they blow
themselves up to take out one "infidel" (anyone who is not a brainwashed
muslim). Many have seen the SBS documentary on Iran where Muslims pay the
equivalent of $2 usd to "marry" a 9 or 10 year old boy or girl just to have
sex with them. Muslims are nothing more than extremist pedophiles who shape
thier religion to suit thier lifestyles, who immigrant to our country then
spit on the hosts. Muslims, and especially Arab-muslims, have more rights
in Australia than the honest hard working white Australian.

When muslims get raided for drugs by the police, its usually the fat ugly
bitch in the hood that hides them because they refuse to be searched for
"religious reasons", something which the government seems to accept from
muslims but not Christians or Jews or Hindus.

Maybe "fatima" the big fat hairy Arab bitch could be hiding a bomb next time
that kills somebody in your family.

John Coward, Tony Blair, George Bush sit on TV and claim to be fighting a war
against terror yet they let these same scum terrorists in right under your
nose to terrorize you on your own streets and maybe worse. Car jackings,
home invasions and gang rapes were seldom heard of until he mid 90's when
the Arabs and Muslims in Sydney started gaining strength in numbers."


   Needless to say I don't agree with any of this submission but I'm sure
   our government is happy that it's currently doing the rounds and trying
   to instil fear and hatred in people.  Indeed the Australian government
   yesterday announced another "Be alert. Not alarmed."  advertising blitz
   just to ensure that we remain in trepidation and accept everything that
   it deals out to us.  Maybe even another fridge magnet!

   To the second contributor I have to say that it must be warm fuzzy and
   personally satisfying  to be a level headed hard working white Christian
   (in name) supremacist.

   All of this sometimes makes you wonder whether many Christians have any
   understanding of what Christ was all about.

   Anyway, let's get away from all that for a while.  To the jokes ...

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   First up this week from Mandie M&Ms

                                  THE TWIST

An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If
I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump
off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get
burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde guy opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna
sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage,
and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death
as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how
really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it
to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde guy's wife said,
"Don't look at me ... he made his own lunch."

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   And from Eric in the treetop in South Africa

                                   THE NUN

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar
for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup. As the
man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about
the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart
the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems.

Slightly ticked off at having to listen to this, the guy said, "Listen sister,
I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink
or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two
wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several
local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you
stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!"

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point, my son, and
I apologise if I offended you.  But the alcohol is such a powerful demon that
all who consume it are doomed ..."

"Look, there you go again," said the man. "How can you make such a sweeping
statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"

"Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."

"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout
nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"

"Well, I really don't know."

"I'll tell you what ... come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink.
One drink.  I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside
the person."

"Oh, I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the
question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than
the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."

"Well, let's go inside and settle this!"

"No, my son - I could never enter such a place.... but how about this?  Take
my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Then bring
it out here to me, and I'll try it."

"You're on!" said the guy. The guy goes into to bar and says to the bartender:
"Two scotch on the rocks - and could you put one of them in this tin cup?"

The bartender sighed and asked, "Is that nun out there again?"

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   And some stuff from Trevor in Capetown

                       FAMOUS PEOPLE SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either
you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." Henry Kissinger
(former US Secretary of State)

"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'
Patricia Arquette

"And God said: "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And
let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan." George Burns

"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." Carmen Boyle (Olympic gold
medalist in luge, 1966)

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading." Steve
Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee-the natural
enemy of a tightrope walker." Dan Rather (News anchorman)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid
problem?" Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf
is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in
poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently
doing quite well for themselves." Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a
Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns
the state into a gay dungeon-master." Rev. Jesse Jackson

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he
never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US
First Lady)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals
through his wallet." Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only
time of the month that I can be myself." Roseanne

"In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that
really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's
breasts?" Hugh Grant

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having
allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So
what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like
and just give her a house." Rod Stewart, aging cover band singer

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   More from Allnutts

                                 WHO'S TO BLAME?

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN)
for 6am. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with
his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI
LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA)
he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could
spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN
INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a
good paying australian JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to
relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself
a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA),
and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in Australia.....

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   Another from Smithy

                                 DIRE STRAITS

   And who says our educational system is in dire straits? I submit these
   compilations as testimony to the debate, taken from children, newspapers,
   and teachers:

"This paper needs a few comas."

"When papa passed away they burned his ashes and brought them home in a urinal."

"We sat down to a picnic dinner of fricken chicasee."

"You shake milk in a big stirrer machine to make it homicidal."

"It was so hot during football practice that a lot of kids keeled over from
nervous prostitution. Rusty Banazek broke his clavichord in scrimmage."

"At the Knights of Columbus dinner, they will serve the same fish as last year."

"Tomorrow Helen Henry visits the home of a retired Navy Captain and his wife,
an exotic U-shaped structure."

"LOST: Male cat. Needs medication. Owner very worried, neutered and declawed."

"Winners at the card party were William Davenport, a turkey, and Mrs. Trudy
Baker, a chicken."

"Dear Teacher: Stanley had to miss some school. He had an attack of whooping
cranes in his chest."

"Dear Teacher: Lynda was away as she had stripe infection."

"Dear Teacher: Please excuse the stink on Bill's clothes. We've been spraying
the garden because it is full of abnoxus incests."

"Dear Teacher: Please excuse Jane. She had an absent tooth. Wednesday she
will have an appointment with the orinthologist."

"Dear Teacher: Please excuse my daughter's absence for the past week, as
she had a case of the fool."

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   From Scott in Minneapolis-St. Paul

                                    BEARWATCH

The Montana Department of Fish and Game recently issued this bulletin:

"Warning: In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts,
the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters and
fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the
field. We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing, so
as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen
to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is
also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.

Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear manure:

1. Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.

2. Grizzly bear manure has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

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   This arrived from Burnout and Allnutts

                                       WARNIE

Shane Warne's team mates were perplexed one morning to see Shane walk into
the change room with a pair of woman's panties on his upper arm. Being used
to Shane's tendencies they let it go and went about getting ready.

The day wore on; Shane bowled a few overs and the batsmen came and went
with a puzzled expression on their faces but no one dared to ask about the
panties. Finally Ricky Ponting walked up to Shane between overs and gently
whispered to him. "Er Shane" he said, "We've come to expect many unusual
things from you but we are a bit worried you are wearing a pair of woman's
panties on your arm. Please tell me this doesn't mean more trouble"

"Arr, no" Shane grinned. "Its a patch. I'm trying to quit."

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   This weeks pics are from Burnout, Megazorch, Allnutts, UK Smithy,
   the Castle Hill Books mob, Sister Carol, IsK, Irish Dermot, Chris the
   Cartographer, Digi Steve, Little Di, Tanberg from The Age, and Leahy from
   The Courier Mail.


   This from Trevor in Africa:
   "Let's Roll!"  - motto of the Marijuana Party for the 2004 Canadian
   Federal Election campaign. To raise campaign funds, the party is selling
   marijuana seeds - Click here


Pepsi plant: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

If the Pope was an Aussie Click here

Angry animals: Click here

Mail order bride Click here

A bear's tail Click here

Smart fart Click here

Says it all Click here

Don't touch my bone Click here

Gross Click here

Where's my change? Click here

Blind morons Click here

Love bite Click here

Today Tonight Click here

In the news: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Dumb and dumber Click here

Work in pics Click here

Too much work Click here

Car repairs Click here

The lonely surfer Click here

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An IsK quickie

                           The Secret to Long And Happy Life

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret
for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of
whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"

"Twenty-six."

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   Some stuff from Maria of Digitronics fame

                               BRAVERY AND TRUE BRAVERY

Bravery - is arriving home late after a guy's night out, being assaulted by
your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning,
or are you flying somewhere?"

True Bravery - is coming home late, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick
on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and saying, "You're next."

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This stuff from Burnout

                            Tales from the chocolate factory

It was a White knight, and Mr Cadbury and Ms Rowntree were on a River cruise,
they met on the Top Deck, It was After Eight. She was from Quality Street;
he was an Old Jamaican.

They walked hand in hand down Milky Way and around the Family Block. They
stopped in at the Mars Bar, he had a Rum & Butter and she had A Wine Gum. She
asked if he could pass her a Coaster, He said "Sure... Take 5 ". They Decided
to leave as the music was too loud, & neither of them liked M&M.

On the way out he bought her some Roses. She said they were her
Favourites. They walked down to his sports car, it was a Red Ferrero. He
made some small talk, and tried to make out like he was a Smartie. She
spoke a little but didn't say much as she didn't want to Polly Waffle on. He
suggested they should go somewhere quiet. She said if you play your cards
right you might get lucky after tea. He replied, After Dinner?.. Mint! At
this point he knew she was Cherry Ripe!

He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with the hole", she said. "And I'm
the one with the Nuts", he thought. Then he touched her Milky Bars, They
felt Smooth & Creamy. He thought to himself, They'll definitely melt in
your mouth & not in your hand. He told her that he had a King Size Bar,
but she thought he might just be telling Fantales.

They checked into a Motel and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned
out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his
hand down into her Snickers and felt her Kit Kat. She started to play with
his Fruit & nuts, But then she said "Stop!" He though she was a Malteaser,
But he still wanted to Jaff-er. So he showed her his Curly Wurly. Ms Rowntree
wasn't keen to have any more Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down
Bourneville Boulevard. He thought this was Fantastic as he always fancied
a bit of Fudge.

It was a Magic Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he
finished, his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted Moro but
he needed to take Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very
appetising... So he did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet and gave her
a Gob Stopper. He was exhausted, so he rolled over for a Flake.

Unfortunately Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly,
he was soon to discover he had caught VD. It turns out Ms Rowntree had been
with All Sorts!!

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More from UK Smithy

                                    MUSINGS

1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles
   are always white?

3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
   something new to eat will have materialized?

5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? How
   many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in
   that slot?

6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum
   cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give
   the vacuum one more chance?

7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your
   clothes would they eventually just disappear?

10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping
   cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well,
   it isn't all right so why don't we say, "Ouch! That hurt!"

11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling
    off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash
    pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer
    when we complained about the heat?

14. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife
    told you to do it? And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't
    take up sky diving!

16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
    suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best
    friends, if they're okay, then... it's you!

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                                 STRANGE MATCH

A man arrived at the gates of heaven.

"I'm glad to be here, but I'm curious as to what hell looks like," he said.

"I'll tell you what," St. Peter said. "You can see hell before you enter."

He led the man to an elevator.

"Ride to the very bottom. when the door opens, you'll see hell, but don't
get out of the elevator."

The man gets in and down goes the elevator. An hour later, the doors open on
a frozen wasteland. Peering through the blizzard, the man saw huge mountains
of ice. Shivering, he pushed on the button for going back up to heaven.

"I thought hell would surely be all fire and brimstone," he said to St. Peter,
"but all I saw down there was snow and ice. Is it always like that?"

"Snow and ice, huh?" St. Peter said...

"I reckon England must have beaten Australia in the test match."

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Another from Minnesota Scott

                  YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN TEXAS IN JULY WHEN ...

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can make sun tea instantly.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.

You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a. m.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up
lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and
add butter, salt and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying
boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

   Ah, what a place to call home.  God Bless the Great State of Texas

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Quote of the Decade:  (supplied by Capetown Trev)

     " I voted Republican this year.The Democrats left a bad taste in my
       mouth....."

            Monica Lewinsky

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[ End Fri humour ]


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