Friday humour - July 08, 2005


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

            Hi,
      What can anybody say about what happened in London yesterday morning?
      I have a suspicion that a lot of people will be saying a lot over the
      next few weeks, but nobody's claimed responsibilty as I post this, so
      I guess we just wait and see ...

      As always, we need some humour.  First up, from Maayan in Capetown:
                           -----------------------------


  Have you ever stopped to think ... what if these people had Jewish mothers?

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"This you call a smile, after all the money your father and I spent on braces?"

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered, you still should have written."

MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Why can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you know how hard it
is to get that schmutz off of the ceiling?"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Again with the hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your
allowance good -bye!"

THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light.  Now turn it off
and go to sleep!"

PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long
past your bed-time!"

Two who really had Jewish Mothers

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"But it's your senior photograph! Couldn't you have done something with
your hair?"

MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"That's a good story!  Now tell me where you've really been for the last
forty years.
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


         And next, it's a couple from Dr John Sanderson ...

                     AUSTRALIAN TELSTRA IN 3 YEARS TIME

Mujibar was trying to get into Australia legally through Immigration.

The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is
one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Australia."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words yellow, pink and green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up,
and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at a Telstra help desk.

                               ===#===#===#===


    This is an interesting article. Read with a handful of salt and not to
    take it too seriously. Enjoy:


                           WHY DID ANAKIN TURN BAD?

Despite all the whizzing lightsabers, dazzling space battles and political
drama, it was clear what "Star Wars 3" really is. It's case study of bad
management.

Why does Anakin Skywalker turn bad? It sure seems like it's because he didn't
get a promotion. He really wanted that title, Jedi Master (and the company
car would have been nice).

But, you say, maybe Anakin wasn't ready for that promotion. Maybe he was
still too immature, too easily angered, too likely to furrow his brow at
the slightest provocation.

So why didn't his managers give him a clearly defined path to promotion?
Not a bunch of Jedi mumbo-jumbo about using the Force and examining his
feelings, but a concrete list of job skills he needed to improve (Using time
more wisely? Prioritizing better? Keeping the Jedi break room cleaner? Thinking
up better dialogue?)

The worst Jedi manager had to be Mace Windu, who, when things got hairy
essentially told Anakin to just stay put, don't worry, and by the way we
don't need your help right now.

That's not the way help an employee feel empowered and invested in the task
at hand.

And it was disastrous for Yoda to tell a troubled Anakin to give up that
which was most important to him. That sounded suspiciously like "Don't expect
a raise any time soon."

Obi Wan Kenobi wasn't much better. A boss should know enough about an
employee's life to know what they're worried about. Obi Wan didn't realize
his apprentice was having a child (well, twins, actually) with Padme until
it was too late. Those sorts of personal issues worried Anakin to the point
of obsession, yet Obi Wan was mostly oblivious.

And sure,  Palpatine appealed to Anakin's ego. But what smart boss doesn't,
from time to time? It's not enough to tell an employee that he's the chosen
one, yada yada. Obi Wan should have realized that the constant "you've got
more to learn, young apprentice" stuff gets old after a while.

If Obi Wan and the council had chosen Anakin for a few crucial solo missions,
maybe he would have been too focused on Jedi business to be tempted by
Palpatine's Sith pitch.

Still, Anakin must bear the responsibility for his eventual decision to join
the staff of Dark Side, Inc. He was seduced by a boss who promised much,
but actually withheld vital information that would have affected Anakin's
most important decisions.

Those kinds of bosses -- the ones to hold on to information and use it
like a weapon, all in an effort to manipulate employees into doing their
bidding -- are usually very articulate and seem like your buddy at first.
They seem like they're looking out for you. Then, one day, you're cut off
at the knees. Dependent on them for everything. And have nowhere to turn,
especially if your old bosses kind of want you dead.

So the lessons for bosses and employees everywhere? Give your employees
a stake in the enterprise, and if they want to move up, use constructive
feedback to tell them how they can do so. Motivate their best qualities by
giving incentives for good behavior, but be willing to accept criticism when
it's warranted.

And don't become the kind of boss who rules through FEAR, INTIMIDATION,
SECRECY and appeals to GREED and ARROGANCE.

Unless you're really good with a lightsaber.
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        And from IsK - "Saw this and thought I would pass it along":

Cheap Lotus, anyone?  Click here
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       Brian Lamb sent in this wonderful definition of the British
       Army Officer from almost 100 years ago (1907):
                           -----------------------------

          THE BRITISH OFFICER (IN THE PERIOD OF CONDUCT UNBECOMING)

"An officer should be comely, spratly and above all else, confident in his own
dress and bearing.   He should, where possible, eat a small piece of meat each
morning with molasses and beans.   He should air himself gracefully when under
fire and never place himself in a position of difficulty when being shot at.
He should eat his meals comfortably and ahead of his soldiers, for it is he
whom is more important tactically on the battlefield and therefore he who
should be well nourished.   His hair should be well groomed, and if possible,
he should adorn a moustache or similar facial adornment.

When speaking to his soldiers, he should appear unnerved and aloof and give
direction without in any way involving himself personally in the execution
of arduous or unofficer like duties.   He should smoke thin panatelas except
when in the company of ladies, where he should take only a small gin mixed
with lemon tea.   He should be an ardent and erudite gentleman and woo the
ladies both in the formal environment and in the bedroom, where he should excel
himself beyond the ordinary soldier with his virulent lovemaking prowess.

These, I say to you, are the qualities of an officer that set him apart from
the lay person and the common soldier."

   LTGEN Hubert Worthington, Commander in Chief, 5th Royal Indian Mountain
   Division, Bombay, 12 December 1907
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      And a couple of contributions from the ever-reliable Digi Maria -
      beginning with some more lessons in Chinese ...
                           -----------------------------

                             LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES


   READ SLOWLY AND PHOENTICALLY

1) That's not right:  Sum Ting Won

2) Are you harbouring a  fugitive?:  Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP:  Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid  Man:  Dum Fuk

5) Small Horse:  Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the  beach?:  Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped into a coffee  table:  Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

8) I think you need a  face lift:  Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here:  Wao So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet:  Wai Yu Mun Ching?

11) This is a tow away zone:  No Pah King

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week:  Wai Yu Kum Nao?

13) Staying out of sight:  Lei Ying Lo

14) He's cleaning his automobile:  Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odor is offensive:  Yu Stin Ki Pu

16) Great:  Fa Kin Su Pah

                           ===#===#===#===


                        HOW DO I GET TO HEAVEN?

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my
money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" I asked the children
in my Sunday school class.

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything
neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again the answer was, "NO!"

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children
and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?" I asked them again.

Once more they all answered, "NO!"

"Well," I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically
sophisticated than I had given them credit for, "then how can I get into
heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Now back over to beautiful Capetown and Maayan for a few more ...
                           -----------------------------

                                 FUNDAMENTAL LAWS

LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM:
When you dial a wrong number, you will never get a busy signal.

CANNON'S KARMIC LAW:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre,
the next morning you will have a flat tyre.

O'BRIEN'S VARIATION LAW:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than
the one you are in now.

BELL'S THEOREM
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

RUBY'S PRINCIPLE OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with
someone with whom you would rather not be seen.

WILLOUGHBY'S LAW
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

ZADRA'S LAW OF BIOMECHANICS
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the difficulty of
the reach.

BREDA'S RULE
At any theatrical event, those people whose seats are furthest from the
aisle will arrive last.

OWEN'S LAW
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to
do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

HOWDEN'S LAW
You remember you have to mail a letter only when you're near the mailbox.
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Just before the pics, a quickie from John over at Carlton and United:
                          -----------------------------

                                EXPENSIVE MEMORIAL

A woman's husband dies. He had $30,000 to his name.

After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her
closest friend that there is none of the $30,000 left.

The friend says, "How can that be?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500.  and of course I made a
donation to the church. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake,
food and drinks, you know.  The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend says, "$22,500 for the memorial stone?  My God, how big is it?"

The widow says, "Three carats."
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Onto the pics now, and first up it's one from IsK, who adds "Some might
     find this funny/scary.  If nothing else it is a catchy tune (been stuck
     in my head all damn day)" [ Actually, yesterday's events in London may
     fuel the case for this one ... in the eyes of some ... ]

Take a card, any card ... Click here
                           -----------------------------

     And from Sara (daughter of Russell), we received this, and as Sara put
     it ... "Truly bizarre."  Be patient - it's all the way from Russia.
     Help her with your mouse ... Click here
                           -----------------------------

     And from Oregon in the good ol' USA, Vinae passed on this incredible act.
     It should play in your browser Click here but if it doesn't, Click here
                           -----------------------------

    Now to the 3rd branch up in that particular South African tree to see what
    Eric has unearthed for you this week.  The first one has this little intro:

    "This is much more fun than that old picture where you tried to find the
    man's face in coffee beans Every so often a clever picture comes along
    that camouflages something for us to find.

    This is one such picture.  Hidden within this picture, I am told, are
    two lobsters.  Go ahead and try to find them.  If you find the lobsters
    in 30 minutes, the left side of your brain is normal.  I looked for 45
    minutes and couldn't find them.

    I guess my brain is abnormal."

Find the lobsters in under 30 minutes if you can: Click here
Road signs explained: Click here
                           -----------------------------

Mad Bob in Sydney sent these.  First, it's the foul old penguin joke but
now as a movie: Click here
      plus
Charades: Click here
                           -----------------------------

And from Chris Orme, 3 more bits of that pavement art we had last week:
 Click here Click here Click here
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Brett Valentine sent this just before coming down with the 'flu:
Volvo driver: Click here
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Maayan actually took this first shot herself - in Capetown:
Drug help: Click here
Plus a pictorial version of the slinkies thingee ... Click here
And as Maayan put it for this next one: "This is the most amazing idea for
a website I've ever seen. Some of it is quite mind-blowing" Click here
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    And then there was this collection sent in by ex-Captain Ron:
Addicted: Click here
Post bills:  Click here
Cute redhead: Click here
Coffeeholic: Click here
Ultimate jet ski: Click here
Donor card: Click here
Mission Impossible: Click here
Pool table:  Click here
Racing hedge:  Click here
Get a life! Click here
Horny guy (movie): Click here
                           -----------------------------

         GROPWO now knows why he hates snakes:
Nasty snake: Click here Click here
                           -----------------------------

     This collection arrived from Digi Maria:
Which of these three cup sizes excites older men the most??
 Click here Click here Click here
Fat chicks: Click here
Car theft prevention: Click here
Only in Japan (one or two of these may be repeats): Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Male brainwashing: Click here
Find the ocean (one for the women): Click here
                           -----------------------------

A teacher colleague of Anna's at FHSC sent this to a few of her friends:
Pretty wishes: Click here
                           -----------------------------

And from Moonboot, this collection of t-shirts, signs and exotic food:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
                           -----------------------------

Muse sent in this great collection of cartoon classics: Click here
                           -----------------------------

   And from Burnout:
Brum Brum ... Click here
Nice tan! Click here
Shopping with PMT (security footage - movie): Click here
                           -----------------------------

John Sanderson sent this in - "The story of my life" ... Click here
                           -----------------------------

GROPWO thought you may be amused by this one (Russell and Brett will love it) -
It's The Dules Of Holland: Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Back to John at bottling line B1 now and a couple more contributions,
    beginning first with this tale of ...

                         THE BORG VERSUS MICROSOFT
                    "STAR TREK LOST EPISODES" TRANSCRIPT

Picard "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding
a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their
command pathways?"

Geordi "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our
archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker looks puzzled. "What in the world is 'Microsoft'?"

Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program,
for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once
inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at
an unstoppable rate."

Picard "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their
processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

Data "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new
version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases
exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly
enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and
none will be available for their normal operational functions."

Picard "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric
shape' idea."

Fifteen minutes later . . .

Data "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command
unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however
have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."

Geordi "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU
capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade'
to compensate for their increase."

Picard "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something
we have missed."

Data "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'.
Apparently, the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending
in their registration cards.

Riker "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency
escape sequence 3F . . ."

Geordi, excited "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly
dropped to 0% !"

Picard "Data, what do your scanners show?"

Data "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named
'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

Picard "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their
functionality."

Two hours pass . . .

Riker "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"

Geordi "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for
increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase
resources I have set up, our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit
more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

Picard "How much time will that buy us ?"

Data "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time
span of 6 more hours."

Geordi "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

Picard "Identify."

Data "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"

Over the speakers: "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP
MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS
SECTOR.  URRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"

Data "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released
thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

Picard "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

Riker "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg
ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep
space ?!"

Data "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer,
I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by
twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani
suits"

Riker and Picard together horrified "Lawyers !!"

Geordi "It can't be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into
the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

Data "True, but apparently some must have survived."

Riker "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types
of papers."

Data "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'. I understand
that it often proves fatal."

Riker "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"

Picard "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg
deserve that!"

                               ===#===#===#===


                               AHHHH ... SHARON

Peter met Sharon in a nightclub.

They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening
Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a
very passionate and energetic session in bed together.  Finally, tired and
satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.

After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood.

Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready for
more already?"

Sharon replies, "No, not quite ... but every now and then I get a bit
nostalgic for the days when I had mine."
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         Davo flicked this one over - it's from Allnuts at Highett:
                         -----------------------------

                                  DEAD COW

Amanda Vanstone was being driven around the countryside in her limo by
her driver.

Suddenly a cow walked into the road and, unable to stop in time, the limo
hits the cow. Slightly shaken up, the driver goes to see if the cow is alright.

"Is it alright? " asks Amanda from the comfort of the back seat.

The driver prodded the cow with his foot, and shook his head ..."No ma'am,
I'm afraid it's dead."

"Well, you were driving, not me, so you go and tell the farmer what happened!"
So the driver goes off to the nearby farm.

A couple of hours later the driver came back holding a bottle of Champagne,
with his clothes scruffy and all messed up

"Oh my God, what happened to you?", Amanda exclaimed as she saw the driver.

"Well ma'am, the farmer gave me this bottle of Champagne, the farmer's wife
gave me a kiss, and their daughter had sex with me."

"What?  Why?  What the hell did you say?"

" Well ma'am, I just said I'm Amanda Vanstone's driver and I just killed
the cow".
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Finally, here's a collection of quickies from Len, our FH Hollywood
       correspondent:
                           -----------------------------

                                     WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day. Women use 30,000 words a day compared to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything
to men."

The husband turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

                                    CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid
and so beautiful all at the same time."

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would
be attracted to me, and God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

                                    WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee
each morning. The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You're in charge of cooking around here and you should do
it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

The wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that
the man should do the coffee."

The husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament. She showed him at the
top of several pages that it indeed says, "HEBREWS"
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     And Len's Quote For The Week ... ?

"What we are never changes, but who we are never stops changing"
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[ End Friday humour ]

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