Friday humour - July 01, 2005

     From Davo at bluehaze:


This is the latest from the Bluehaze Eyewitness Newsroom - I'm thinking of
calling this segment "This Week This Morning" but am open to (reasonable)
suggestions ...

Well, the new year and the tax cuts have arrived.  Much as IsK's missive below
somewhat demonstrates the fairness in the new tax rates, workers earning up
to $55,000 only get $6 a week, whereas those on $95,000 and over get more
than eight times as much.  And this follows last years tax cuts where those
earning less than $50,000 got nothing.  It doesn't pay to be a battler in
John Howard's Australia.

But it does pay to be a capitalist speculator making your fortune in Iraq.
Millions have been spent on trying to secure Douglas Woods' release from the
"arseholes" in Baghdad.  Of course, he's upset about the $2 million that he's
left behind.  Perhaps the $400,000 that Channel 10 paid him for his story
will help heal his wounds?  They're trying to on-sell it internationally as
well, so who knows what he'll end up with?

It's a shame this government hasn't spent anything at all on trying to
get a fair deal for David Hicks, who is still languishing in the gulag at
Guantanamo Bay.  But of course he's not a industrious capitalist.  He went
to Afghanistan not for money but for what he believed in.  You'd like to
think he's now paid for his massive crimes?  What were they again ... oh yes,
it seems he backed the wrong horse.

Vivian Alvarez Solon - the Aussie deported to the Philippines four years ago
and found by the ABC 55 days ago - is still there.  Apparently our benevolent
government has offered her 6 months health treatment in Oz and then a sickness
pension.  After destroying her life and exacerbating her medical condition,
you'd think she'd get a more generous deal.  But as Minister Vanstone says, we
have to wait for the Palmer Report ... and the Commrie report (which hasn't
even commenced yet) before anything more can be considered.  You wouldn't
have to be Einstein to know that a massive injustice has occurred, and that no
matter who's at fault (the Department, the Minister, or both), this lady
deserves a decent new start in life.  And she deserves it now.

Chen Yonglin defected from the Chinese Embassy 37 days ago and still hasn't
been given asylum.  Fishnet Stockings Downer keeps saying that it's not an
extraordinary case and will be treated like the other 1000 similar cases
each year.  Well ... haven't the other 999 cases been hushed up nicely.
King John and the Three Stooges (Downer, Ruddoch, and Vanstone) are just
as likely to send poor Chen back to China saying they weren't properly told
about it.  Maybe they could issue some cropped photos like they did in the
children overboard affair.  Where is Peter Reith when you need him?

Mind you, with all these goings on, all Beazley can do is parrot the words
that he's keeping the government accountable.  Hmmm.  A nice platitude.
It's a pity he doesn't explain how.

And so the Man of Steel has just taken complete control of the Parliament
from today.  His first mission seems to be a manic philosophical conviction
to destroy workers rights.  At a time of low unemployment and record profits,
one has to ponder ... why fiddle with a system that aint broke?  God help
human rights in what is still The Lucky Country (for some).


   First this week is from Burnout

                                 GET STUFFED

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis
sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.

The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you
drive a tixi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and yells,

"He's okay boys.  He's one of us."


This from Minnesota Scott

                      YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN TROUBLE WHEN:

- A black cat crosses your path and drops dead.

- All your modeling jobs are for cartoonists.

- Nothing you own is actually paid for.

- The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

- The bride's family throws rocks instead of rice.

- There are enough candles on your cake to set off your smoke alarm.

- The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.

- You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your MasterCard.

- You have to take out a loan just to get money for the down payment.

- You put both contacts into the same eye.

- You wake up and your braces are stuck together. (Or,

- You wake up and can't remember where you put your teeth).

- Your chauffeur is on parole for car theft.

- Your children's school calls to surrender.

- Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.

- Your engagement ring is, upon closer inspection, plastic.

- Your plants do better when you don't talk to them.

- Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map.

- You have to hitchhike to the bank to make your car payment.

- Your suggestion box starts ticking.

- You see the captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket.

- The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

- The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.


    This one came from IsK

                              TAX CUTS 2005 EXPLAINED

Here is the real story to lighten the Budget discussion! You've heard the
cry in the last couple of weeks from across Australia:

"It's just a tax cut for the rich!", and it is accepted as fact. But what
does that really mean? - The following explanation may help.

Suppose that every night, 10 men go out for dinner at a restaurant.

The bill for all 10 comes to $100. They decided to pay their bill the way
we pay our taxes and it went like this:

* The first four men (the poorest) paid nothing.
* The fifth paid $1.
* The sixth $3.
* The seventh $7.
* The eighth $12.
* The ninth $18.
* The tenth man (the richest) paid $59.

All 10 were quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner said:
"Since you are all such good customers, I'm going to reduce the cost of your
daily meal by $20."So now dinner for the 10 only cost $80. the group still
wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes.

The first four men were unaffected. They would still eat for free. But how
should the other six, the paying customers, divvy up the $20 windfall so
that everyone would get his "fair share"? They realised that $20 divided by
six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the
fifth and sixth men would each end up being paid to eat. The restaurateur
suggested reducing each man's bill by roughly the same percentage, thus:

* The fifth man paid nothing (like the first four) instead of $1 (100%saving).
* The sixth paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).
* The seventh paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).
* The eighth paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).
* The ninth paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).
* The tenth paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).

Each of the six was better off, and the first four continued to eat for
free, as now did the fifth - but outside the restaurant, the men began to
compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the
tenth man "but he got $10!".

"That's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar too. It's
unfair that he got ten times more than me!"

"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I
got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything
at all. The system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up. The next night the tenth
man didn't show up for dinner. The nine sat down and ate without him, but
when they came to pay the bill, they discovered that they didn't have enough
money between all of them to meet even half of the bill!

That, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax
system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit
from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy,
and they just may not show up at the table any more. There are lots of good
restaurants in Monaco and the Caribbean.

   David R. Kamerschen, Professor of Economics, University of NSW.

 [ Tax cuts do only benefit the rich, of course.  Incidentally, the source of
   the above is a mystery - Click here and Click here  Ed. ]


This from Eric's treetop in South Africa

                              NEWBIE BIRTH CONTROL

   Dear Doctor White,

Lard thunderin' jassssus bye, I'm at me wits end and I'm prayin' you'll
operate on me so I can have me nuts cut off and make me sterile. Me reasons
are numerous.

After being married for seven years and having had nine children, I have come
to the conclusion that contraceptives are friggin' useless. After getting
married here in Gander bye, I was advised by the priest to use the rhythm
method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, me wife fell pregnant, and I
ruptured meself doing the Cha-Cha.  Apart from dat, where do ye find a band
when ye get the urge at two o'clock in the mornin'?

Another doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we wus livin' with
de in-laws and we had to wait tree weeks fer the safe period, when the
'ouse was empty. Needless to say dat didn't work, and da missus got pregnant
again. Twins dis time.

A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast feeding
we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and
was very healthy... but da wife, well she got pregnant again.

Another tale we 'eard was if da wife jumped up and down after intercourse
dis would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk, stubbed 'er big toe, but
she still got pregnant again. Jaaaaasus nother set of twins.

I asked the pharmacist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I
bought a big box. Me wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as
I never did believe how stretching one of dem things over yer index finger
could ever stop da missus from getting knocked up yet again.

We tried the coil next but dat didn't work. It had a left-hand screw and me
wife is definitely a right-hand screw.

The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but the wife got severe
headaches when the only size available was too tight across 'er forehead.

Ye can see me problems right? If I can't 'ave da operation I will 'ave to
resort to oral sex, but lard jasssssus bye I can't believe dat talking bout
it is any substitute fer the real ting. Do ye??

Yours sincerely,
Eli from Conception Bay

PS. Me fadder didn't have any condoms way back den so he skinned an eel and
used that. Needless to say it didn't work...... poked hes pecker through
the eye. Dat's how I got me name


These from UK Smithy

                               THEY DID IT AGAIN!

A group of blondes in a class at Texas A&M University were given the assignment
to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went out to the flagpole with
ladders and tape measures, and they fell off the ladders, dropped the tape
measures and pencils -- the whole thing was just a mess.

An engineering student came along and saw what they were trying to do. He
walked over, pulled the flagpole out of the ground, laid it flat, measured
it from end to end, and then gave the measurement to one of the blondes and
walked away.

After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed:
"Isn't that just like a dumb engineer? We're looking for the height and he
gives us the length!"


                              DEFINITION OF BRAVERY

Bravery is arriving home late after a boys night out, being confronted by your
wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask ... "Are you still cleaning,
or are you flying somewhere?"


   This weeks pics are from Burnout, the Castle Hill Books mob, Ayrshire Dave,
   IsK, Allnutts, UK Smithy, Digi Maria, Brett Dude, Gropwo, Snowfields Beryl,
   Digi Steve, and John Sando (Megazorch).

  From Dave Allnutts:
Chinese dancing ...
There's more to it than meets the eye. These dancers are all hearing
impaired. Their (incredible) coordination is all due to the cues they get
from the people on the sides of the stage. This was a live performance by
this group for Chinese New Year: Click here

   From Horny Mike:
I recently had a computer upgrade.  Along with it came a new version of
SciFinder, and when I opened it up to do a search, the lead article (a
"tickler" would be a poor description in this case) was this:

     True or False?

Q: True or false: Duct tape is an effective treatment for removing warts.

A: True. The results of a study involving a total of 51 patients (age range,
3-22 years) showed that the application of duct tape was significantly more
effective than cryotherapy with liquid nitrogen for treatment of the common
wart. (MEDLINE 2002500162)

(The POWER of DUCT!!!)

You may also be interested in these web sites I found looking for an apt
Latin phrase: Click here Click here

Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur.

   Energy's Rosalie and Marine's Craig both advised:
 Hi Tony and Ian,
The Mars spectacular article in last weeks Friday Humour is only partially
true - Click here

  Chris the Cartographer from NSW sent this impressive arty stuff:

Julian Beever is an english artist who's famous for his art on the pavement
of England, France, Germany, USA, Australia and Belgium. It's particularity
Beever gives to his drawing an anamorphose, his images are drawn completly
diforms which give a 3D image when viewing on the right angle ... see for
yourself - Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Cool animation Click here

For the fridge door:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

New brakes Click here
Mixing it with Grandma Click here

Different things:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Signs and labels
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Hallmark Cards:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Border patrol:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Star witness Click here

Flower shop Click here

Sea Horse Click here

Nice view Click here

Ladies accessory Click here

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Friends Click here

Eye chart Click here

Nice rego Click here

Burnout's comic assortment:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Big nut Click here

Plane mooning Click here

Reason to shave Click here

Revenge of the Mazda Click here

Women drivers Click here

Dinner is served Click here

Soccer hooligan Click here

Hmmm ... now, what'll I have? [xxx] Click here

The Camel Toe Song Click here

The swingin' garbo Click here

Surf's up Click here

Shopping with Jacko Click here

Jacko's favourite things Click here

Aussie Christmas Click here

Stunt City Click here


Another from Scott in the Twin Cities

                            OH - THOSE AWFUL CAPITALISTS

A man owned a small farm in north Louisiana. The Louisiana Wage and Hour
Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an
agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much
you pay them", demanded the agent.

"Well, there's my field hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600
a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and
I pay her $500 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit
who works here about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 a week and I buy him a
bottle of bourbon every Saturday night," replied the farmer.

"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," says the agent."

"That would be me," replied the farmer sadly.


More from Nottingham

                                     STUCK UP

An Australian woman was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom
floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped over,
did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her
husband Jacko. "Jacko! Jacko!" she yelled.

Jacko came running in. "Jacko, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor"
she said.

"Strewth!" Jacko said and tried to pull her up. "You're just too heavy
girl. I'll go across the road and get Bluey" (his mate).

They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it"
Bluey said "Lets try Plan C"

"Plan C?" exclaimed Jacko. "What's that"?

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her"

"Spot on" Jacko said. "While your doing that, I'll stay here and play with
her tits"

"Play with her tits"? Bluey said, "Why the hell would you want to do that"?

Jacko replied "Well, I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her
into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive"


    Finally, more horoscopes from Allnutts

                              THIS MONTH'S HOROSCOPES

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great
deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone
thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22)
You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick
to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off
everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22)
You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the
FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you
for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work
like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing
but a goddamned communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are
bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means
your are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes
you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always
be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most
leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance
is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation
more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is
sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and
often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If
you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary
gain are nill. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22)
You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be
trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total
lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely
on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are
drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically
chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should
kill yourself.


Thought of the Week:

     "Some people are like Slinkies ...  Not really good for anything,
      but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a
      flight of stairs."
           - Burnout & UK Smithy


[ End Fri humour ]

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