Friday humour - June 24, 2005


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

            Hi,
      The sudden flurry of media interest in Shappele Corby a few weeks ago
      seems to have subsided once more.  Now stale news, I suppose - but
      Shappele's still trapped in the jail at Bali, and like the majority of
      Australians, I strongly suspect she's done nothing.  So now we wait
      for 12 months to pass while various appeals go through.   At least the
      Oz Govt has now stepped in and offered some funding for decent legal
      representation (bit bloody late - she could have been shot by now).
      Some people have called talkback radio and written to the newspapers
      pleading for us to "Give the Bali people a fair go - don't boycott
      their country just because of this."  Well, I think these simpletons
      are missing the whole point by a country mile - it is quite simply a
      case of "Who would *risk* going to a country like Bali now?"

      Anyway, spare a thought for her - she's still sitting there at this
      moment as we relax back and prepare to enjoy yet another relaxing
      weekend.  And as a country, we in Oz appear to be as omnipotent as ever.
      Or so our Govt would have us believe, anyway ...

      Just before we do go to the humour, some recent philosopical and/or
      political reading for any of you who have the time or interest.
      (You may have to register for these nowadays, but it's harmless enough
      in the case of The Age newspaper as far as I can work out).  First two
      will only be of interest to Oz readers, I imagine ...

  The Paul Keating we have to have again: Click here

  A charter of budget dishonesty (mainly discussing Howard's Telstra selloff):
 Click here

  A death puts life into perspective: Click here

       More serious stuff at the end - one of our most prolific UK contributors
       is currently having to battle the authorities over there to try and
       keep his beautiful African wife with him in the UK.  Nice to know there
       are other western countries that are as mean as Oz, so it seems.
                  ----------------------------------------------


      To the humour now - this first one (from Maayan) is actually more of
      scientific interest.  I haven't checked it, BTW.
      [ Maybe I should've - it's 2 years out of date!  Ed. ]
                             ---------------------------

                                  MARS SPECTACULAR!

The Red Planet is about to be spectacular! This month and next, Earth is
catching up with Mars in an encounter that will culminate in the closest
approach between the two planets in recorded history. The next time Mars
may come this close is in 2287.

Due to the way Jupiter's gravity tugs on Mars and perturbs its orbit,
astronomers can only be certain that Mars has not come this close to Earth
in the last 5,000 years, but it may be as long as 60,000 years before it
happens again.

The encounter will culminate on August 27th when Mars comes to within
34,649,589 miles of Earth and will be (next to the moon) the brightest object
in the night sky. It will attain a magnitude of -2.9 and will appear 25.11
arc seconds wide. At a modest 75-power magnification

Mars will look as large as the full moon to the naked eye. Mars will be easy
to spot. At the beginning of August it will rise in the east at 10p.m. and
reach its azimuth at about 3 a.m.

By the end of August when the two planets are closest, Mars will rise at
nightfall and reach its highest point in the sky at 12:30a.m. That's pretty
convenient to see something that no human being has seen in recorded history.

So, mark your calendar at the beginning of August to see Mars grow
progressively brighter and brighter throughout the month.

Share this with your children and grandchildren.

NO ONE ALIVE TODAY WILL EVER SEE THIS AGAIN.

[ Rosalie and Craig immediately pointed out that the above is not accurate.
  There's even a web page on it - Click here ]

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           YABJ (yet another blonde joke) - this time from IsK:
                             ---------------------------

80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are
Not Stupid Convention."

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes
are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.

Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her
another chance!"

The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000
of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast
media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."

So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -
everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls
begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE
HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage,
eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to
their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream, "GIVE HER ANOTHER
CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
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         And from Bob in Sydney, YALJ (yet another legal joke) - Bob writes:

    "An exercise in compassion by a professional.  We had a Solicitor in the
    family, and over a period of thirty years or so he robbed the family
    blind. He persevered with the education of a brawny son who failed first
    year Law so often they thought he was part of the curriculum. This bastard
    now is a senior partner in the firm. He played centre half forward for
    Ormond Amateurs, but they wouldn't let him carry the oranges for the Uni
    Blacks.
    I have a hundred stories about Solicitors, and they are all bad."

                                THE LAWYER

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from
the town's most successful lawyer.  The person in charge of contributions
called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you
give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community
in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your
research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has
medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um. . .  no."

" - or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a
wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology
but was interrupted, "

" - or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's
voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no
idea ..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "So if I don't give any money
to them, why should I give any to you?!?"
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          This one from Len in Hollywood (the one in the USA):
                             ---------------------------

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very
surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!"  Her face
was beaming.

He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen
her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and
apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you,
I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of
the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world
coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers
her children! "

Then he got a little panicky."I don't remember her," he thought but MAYBE ...
during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college,
perhaps he did father her child!

He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you
the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had
wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"

"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second
grade teacher!"
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          And from Mary, a mental-health nurse up in Sydney ...
                             ---------------------------

                   FOR ANYONE EMPLOYED IN A LARGE ORGANIZATION

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed down from generation to
generation, says that "when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the
best strategy is to dismount."

In the Public Service and large organisations, however, a whole range of
far more advanced strategies is often employed, such as:

1.  Change riders.
2.  Buy a stronger whip
3.  Do nothing: "This is the way we have always ridden  dead horses"
4.  Visit other countries to see how they ride dead horses.
5.  Perform a productivity study to see if lighter riders improve the dead
    horse's performance.
6.  Hire a contractor to ride the dead horse
7.  Harness several dead horses together in an attempt to increase the speed.
8.  Provide additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's
    performance
9.  Appoint a committee to study the horse and assess how dead it actually is.
10. R-classify the dead horse as "living impaired"
11. Develop a strategic plan for the management of dead horses
12. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for all horses
13. Modify existing standards to include dead horses
14. Declare that, as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less
    costly, carries lower overheads, and therefore contributes substantially
    more to the bottom line than many other horses
15. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory capacity
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


          Another one from Len ...

                               SAGA OF THE THE ASS

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there
was a fortune to be made in horses decided to purchase one and enter it in
the races. At the local auction, however, the going price for a horse was so
high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured since he had it,
he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise,
the donkey came in third.

The next day the local paper carried this headline:"Pastor's Ass Shows."

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race
again, and this time it won! The local paper read: "Pastor's Ass Out Front."
The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper read: "Bishop Scratches Pastor's Ass."

The bishop was fit to be tied. He ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
So the pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing the news, posted this headline the next day: "Nun
Has Best Ass in Town."  The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would
have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.

The next day, the paper read: "Nun Sells Ass For $10.00."  After the bishop
was revived, he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the
plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: "Nun Announces Her Ass Is Wild and Free."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Feel like some pics now?  Okay, here we go - first up from IsK:

"A friend of mine from Stanwell Park was present when a new species of seahorse
was identified.  Before the Marine Biologist could whip it away from prying
eyes he managed to get a photo of it.  So check out the link and be one of
the first in the world to see this unique find ..." Click here
                         ---------------------------

        And from Brett, who's still trying to figure out which set of twins
        he likes the best (careful opening these) ...

Do you prefer these ...  Click here
Or these ... Click here
                         ---------------------------

        To Digi Maria for this collection:

What have you got there?  Click here
Badly taught: Click here
Don't piss off your girlfriend/wife: Click here
How to stop teenage pregnancies in Britain: Click here
Irony: Click here
Minigolf (she loves it) Click here
Warmers: Click here
Spot Appleton: Click here
Trendy: Click here
How long will they last?  Click here Click here
More sand art: Click here
Plantimals: Click here
                         ---------------------------

     From John in Sydney (DET), it's how to recognise a good Jewish girl:
 Click here
                         ---------------------------

     Now to GROPWO ...

When not to hit a motorbike: Click here
The start of the Internet: Click here
Protein Stains (another version): Click here
A Chinese aircraft being struck by lightening.  This used a number of
animated GIFs which load a PC heavily so I converted it all into a WMV movie.
Unfortunately, Premiere insisted I add a soundtrack before it would create
the thing, so I did ... it's totally irrelevant: Click here
                         ---------------------------

     And from Moonboot:

Bad girl: Click here
Yes, Yes, YES! (M$ proprietary-format movie): Click here
                         ---------------------------

     Now across to South Africa and this particular tree which contains Eric:

Classic pics (M$ proprietary slide show): Click here
Parrot chute: Click here
What happens if girls take Viagra?  Click here
Some men never grow up ... Click here
                         ---------------------------

      These were passed on by Burnout ...

Crack in an airframe: Click here
When Death comes for you ... Click here
                         ---------------------------

      Trevor's been staggering around in Capetown after seeing Maayan but
      he found time to send this one in:

Fanta: Click here
                         ---------------------------

      A radio-ham friend of mine sent this (unless you listen to short-wave,
      you probably won't get it) - it's the new-look WWV time standard:

WWV Time Standard: Click here
                         ---------------------------

      From the Castle Hill Books mob back in the UK:

Green & purple illusion - stare at the centre cross for long enough, and the
purple dots will disappear ... Click here
                         ---------------------------

      And from our BHP correspondent, well ... you know where to go ...

Flower time: Click here
                         ---------------------------

      Back to South Africa (very south - Capetown) and Maayan the back
      packing kid now, for these glimpses of the year 3000:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here
                         ---------------------------

      And from Nike steve - it's:

How to avoid Road Rage: Click here
                          --------------------------

                 AUDIO BYTES - late night or weekend listening

    "Purple Numbers and Sharp Cheese" is the 4th in the series on the workings
     of the human brain as presented by Professor Vilayanur S. Ramachandran,
     Director of the Centre for Brain and Cognition at the University of
     California (San Diego).  You can listen to these direct via the BBC
     web site if you're daring enough to have installed RealAudio.  Just go
     to the BBC site - Click here   Otherwise, here's an open-standards MP3

     (or OGG) copy:

The Brain, part 4 - "Purple Numbers and Sharp Cheese" (13 Mb MP3 audio): Click here
or the better quality (and slightly smaller) OGG audio version (11Mb): Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


          Okay, back to the written stuff now and this morsel from the UK
          SOB (Son Of Beth) Chris:
                         ---------------------------

                                DIRTY BUSINESS

SPRAY-ON mud is being sold to urban 4x4 drivers to give city-bound cars the
"country look".

A Shropshire-based online company, Sprayonmud, targets self-conscious SUV
drivers who long for more authentic markings than the occasional nick from
a speed-bump.

But the product is also a favourite of drivers who use the mud to avoid
number-plate identification by speed cameras.

For &163;7.95, buyers get a 750ml spray-can of filthy water, which, according
to the company's website, "gives the impression you've just come back from
a day's shooting or fishing - anything but driving around town all day or
visiting the retail park".

Colin Dowse, the owner of Sprayonmud, said the firm has already received
orders from Edinburgh and Glasgow.

"I'm sure there are drivers in Scotland who don't get out into the country,
but want neighbours to think they do," he said. "It's Shropshire mud, not
Scottish mud, but I don't think anyone will notice."

Sprayonmud's website states: "It is illegal to obscure your number plates."

However, one of its pictures shows a Land Rover with mud splattered over
its licence plate.

The Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency, which regulates number plates,
said the spray-on mud was not breaking any laws, but added it was concerned
by the emergence of such sprays and would report to relevant authorities
anyone marketing them for illegal uses.

  Eben Harrell - Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Still in the UK, this one from some mates of Maddus Mickus, the
        Castle Hill Books mob:
                         ---------------------------

                         THE ELDERLY ITALIAN GENTLEMAN

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to
the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said,

"Father ... during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and
asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you
have no need to confess that."

"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours."

The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However,
two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way.
But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more
question .. "

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         We don't seem to be able to leave the UK - this is from the
         infamous Moonboot's collection:
                         ---------------------------

                        WHAT MEN SHOULDN'T SAY AFTER SEX

1)  "I was kidding about being sterile, you know."

2)  "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"

3)  "How come it's so BIG in there?"

4)  "You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?"

5)  "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?"

6)  (Sniff, sniff)  "Is that CAT food?"

7)  (Yelling)  "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"

8)  "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"

9)  "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."

10) "Do you know what a 'douche' is?"

11) "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow."

12) "I want you to try some of MY deodorant."

13) "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday
     night or something?"

14) "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"

15) "I never saw a girl with hairy tits before !"

16) "I've been getting these little blisters lately -------"

17) "You wanna do those dishes before you leave?"

18) "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something died in there!"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Over now to the Digi girl (Maria):

                          FAMILY TREE PROBLEMS

   This is a translation of a letter which claims to be copy of a letter
   sent by a young Croatian man to the Croatian Secretary of Defense to avoid
   military service. An extraordinary piece of reasoning, worthy of attention
   of anyone interested in logic, genealogy and other related matters.

Dear Minister of Defense,

Please allow me to explain my situation in a hope that you will be able to
resolve my case.

I am expecting to get the call to serve in the Croatian Army. I am 23 and
I married a 47 year old widow who has a 26 year old daughter. Her daughter
subsequently married my father. By marrying my wife's daughter, my father
became my son-in-law. In the same time, my wife is a mother-in-law of my
father, and her daughter is now also my step-mother.

In September my wife and I got a son. Clearly this child is a brother of
my father's wife, and thus a brother-in-law of my father. In the same time,
my son is also my uncle because he is a brother of my step-mother.

In October my father's wife got a son as well. This child is now also
my brother because he is a son of my father. But I am the step-father of
my wife's daughter and also a brother of her son whose father is also my
father. Thus, my father's son is also my step-grand son because he is a son
of my wife's daughter. Consequently, I am a brother of my own step-grandson,
so I am also my own step-grand father.

However, according to the law, not more then two consecutive generations of
fathers and sons (grand-father, father, son) can be called for military duty
simultaneously, so I should be relieved from the Military duty.

Thank you for your understanding.

    The reply of the Croatian Ministry of Defense was sent only two weeks
    later, and it read:

The applicant is permanently relieved from the military duty due to possible
mental problems and mental instability caused by the chaotic situation within
his family.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        And as mentioned at the top, this is a letter written as part of an
        ongoing saga for one of best UK contributors who'd simply like to be
        left alone by the UK immigration authorities.  In Oz, if one of ours
        marries someone from another country, they can settle here.  Not so
        in the UK, so it seems?
                         ---------------------------



                     GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY LOVELY WIFE


UK and Nationality Doctorate,
MEU team,
Sandford House,
43 Homor Road,
Solihull,
B91 3QJ.

RE: D____ ______
Dear Sir or Madam:
Your letter dated _________ 2004 refers to my wife as:-

1. Breaking conditions of temporary release by continuing to work
2. Using a SAL document to obtain a marriage certificate
3. Seeking to evade action and obtaining services by means of deception
4. Being within a 5-10 minute walk from our house to the police station

With reference to point 1:-
(Breaking conditions of temporary release by continuing to work); I would
like you to re-check your paperwork and in particular check the timesheets
and compare them with the wage slips that proxy care have. As I am aware
all business details should be kept for a minimum of 5 years.

On the 7th ------- 2003, K___ M___ J___ made an allegation "upon oath"
to a judge at Solihull magistrates court that "documents relating to D___
_____ are likely to be found on the premises, namely:- (the address above)".
After our one bedroom flat was searched by 4 police officers accompanied by
around 3 immigration officers (at 6am), a number of documents were taken;
they were never returned:- including:- a phonebook of friends, our original
marriage certificate (we would like that returned) and payslips (belonging
to both parties).

You will notice that only two payslips are dated after restrictions were
first imposed.  The first one week after (it is normal for agencies to make
payments one week in arrears), and the second about two weeks after. This
was for work made before restrictions were first imposed; the agency had not
made all the payments that were due to D___ ___ so made an additional payment
the following week. I suggest you contact the "proxycare" agency to confirm
which days she worked and which days the payments refer to yourselves; you
can also refer to the interview tapes recorded at chase avenue police station
on 10th Feb 2003 in which D___ ____ informed you about this.

Reference to point 2:-
Using a SAL document to obtain a marriage certificate:- I'm sure you will
refer to the court papers from Coventry Crown Court 27/nn/nn and also to
the civil marriage ceremony 9/nn/nn.

Reference to point 3:-
Seeking to evade action and obtaining services by means of deception -
With this point in mind, I would like you to check your records again
(30/10/02 5:30am) when officers came to our house with the intention of
searching and possible arresting of D___ ____.  When they discovered only
_____ ______  (a white British man), they requested her to come to the police
station within a few days, which she did. Please check your statistics from
your end of year reports from 2002 onwards and of what percentage of people
absconded or jumped reporting conditions; please also compare them to D___
____, how long she has been reporting (nearly 3 years) and how well she
complied with your restrictions.

With reference to point 4:-
I would like you to send a police officer to walk to our house one day so
they can time how long it would take. There is only one direct bus service
which operated once an hour (not at 9:00am); to drive might take 5 minutes; to
cycle might take 10 minutes and to walk takes 15 minutes (each way). Because
of reporting twice weekly this equates to an hour walking each week (not
the 5-10 minutes you refer to). May I also remind you if you are comparing
distances on a map that she dose not fly.

As you are aware D___ ___'s application to remain in the UK has failed
pending an appeal date yet to be confirmed. An appeal can take anything
up to 18 months and currently we have been waiting for over 18 months.
We would be grateful if you can once again consider either removing or
relaxing reporting conditions imposed on D___ ____ both for the reasons set
out above and for the sake of wasting police time since it has been clear
that she has maintained all reporting restrictions imposed since November 2002.

I would like to point out that the purpose of imposing reporting restrictions
is to prove that said person is either not likely to abscond or take on
illegal employment during this time, neither case has been conclusively
resolved - you still need to do your further research.

It is nearly 3 years since you imposed these restrictions and approaching
18 months since we launched our appeal against your decision to remove both
myself and my wife from the united kingdom.  Please can you reconsider all
the above and put into process what should have been done a long time ago.

   Sincerely,
      xxxxxxxx (one of our most prolific FH contributors in the UK)
                         ---------------------------

And some favourite songs of these two guys: Click here and Click here

    [ Well - maybe we are STILL the "Lucky Country" here in Oz ... in spite
      of John Howard? ]

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[ End Friday humour ]


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