Friday humour - June 17, 2005


     From Davo at bluehaze:

          G'day
    This issue of Friday Humour is brought to you by Australian Correctional
    Management - a wholly owned subsidiary of the Wackenhut Corrections
    Corporation of America - the world's largest private prison operator.

    ACM runs the Baxter Detention Centre where it's said that one swallow
    doesn't make a summer but makes a hearty meal.

    Wackenhut Corrections of America manages fifty five private prisons and
    detention camps in over eight countries. Its favoured charity is the
    Save the Children Fund. (Amazing!!!)  In a TV interview on SBS in 2000,
    George Wackenhut, ACM's founder, said: "Australia is really starting to
    punish people as they should have done all along."   What a charitable
    man of foresight and compassion.

    I'm putting this little movie from Burnout on our front page so to speak
    as it really tickles my funny bone.  Very spectacular - don't you agree?
    Click here

    Also watch out for the Kosovo song in the pics section sent in by Tony.
    Brilliant!

    To start you off try this quick COMPUTER GEEK OR SERIAL KILLER quiz from
    Muse upon Thames in London, Canada: Click here

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    First up this week a couple from from UK Ted

                                LULU AND SEAN

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite
his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.

Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Lulu said, "Sean,
if Ah'm no bein too forward, Ah'd love tae hae sex wi an aulder man. Let's
go back tae mah place." So they go back to her place and have great sex.

Afterwards, Sean says,"If you think that was good, let me shleep for half
an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my
baws in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand."  Lulu looks a bit
perplexed, but says, "kay."

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then
Sean says, "Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour,
we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my baws in your left hand,
and my wullie in your right hand." Lulu is now used to the routine and
complies. The results are mind blowing.

Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Sean, tell me,
dis mah haudin yer baws in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate
ye while ye're sleepin?" Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with
a Glashwegian, she shtole my wallet."

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                                   PARCHED

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan
desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water,
he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting
at a card table with neckties laid out on it. The Arab asked, "My thirst
is killing me. Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no
water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very
nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!"

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a
tie. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill
to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk
that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!" The Arab staggered
away toward the hill and eventually disappeared. Four hours later the Arab
came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting at his table.

The Jew said, "I told you, about two miles over that hill. Could you not
find it? "I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "Your brother would not
let me in without a tie.


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   And one from UK Smithy

                               FLASH BANG WALLOP

A man has been shipwrecked on a desert island for ten years. Then one day he
is down at the shoreline when he spots a ship on the horizon. He frantically
waves his arms and jumps up and down shouting, until he spies a rowboat
being let down into the water from the ship. About ten minutes later the
rowboat reaches the shore carrying a man in a captain's uniform.

"Thank Christ for that!" says our shipwrecked hero, "I thought I was never
going to be rescued."

"How long have you been here?" asks the Captain.

"Ten years, ten long years" replies the man.

"Ten years?" says the Captain "How have you coped all that time on your own?"

"Well, I'm quite a resourceful fellow, I've built my own house; there it is,
over there, Number 1!"

"But ten years!" says the Captain, "ten years without sex!"

"Ahhhh, well..... that's not quite true" says the man shyly.

"What do you mean?" inquires the Captain.

"Well, about six months ago I was down here on the shore washing my feet whens
I noticed an ostrich up the beach with it's head buried in the sand and it's
ass facing me. Well, I thought it's been nine and a half years, so I crept
up behind it and WALLOP!"

"Oh God, that must have been disgusting!" cries the genuinely shocked Captain.

"Well, it was alright for the first five miles, but then we got out of step."

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This from Chris - Son of Beth - who's just gone onto broadband ...and says

"Here's a serious article from this mornings Sunday Newspaper (The Times). It
made me laugh."

          ISLAY FISHERMEN LAND THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY FROM THE NAVY
     Kathleen Nutt
     June 12, 2005
     The Sunday Times
 
THE Ministry of Defence has admitted that it lost a &163;750,000 submarine
off the west coast of Scotland.  The 10ft yellow vessel, which is used to
locate and detonate mines on routes used by Navy warships and nuclear subs,
became detached from HMS Penzance during a military exercise in the Irish
Sea last month.

It was later found by lobster fishermen in the Mull of Oa and has spent the
past fortnight in a yard in Islay.

The Royal Navy said it lost the French-built Poisson Auto Propulsi) 104 Mk
5 after a fibreoptic cable linking it to the ship broke.

The Navy claims it has been prevented from recovering the vessel because the
fishermen who found it are demanding a salvage fee and they will not hand
over the vessel until the money is paid. The fishermen claim they will hand
it over once there has been an agreement that the Navy will pay the fee.

The unmanned craft, which was used in the Gulf war, includes a lighting
system, cameras and a high-resolution sonar to scan the seabed for mines.
Sensor data is transmitted back to the operations control centre on the
ship. When armed, it carries a 220lb mine disposal charge.

During warfare, the 10ft long submarine is sent ahead of troop carriers and
other ships carrying large numbers of personnel to make sure the path is clear.

John Baker, 48, spotted the submarine from his boat, the Harvester, while
he was lobster fishing with his son. He towed it to his home village of Port
Ellen, on Islay, and used a crane to lift it out of the water.  "When I saw
it at first I thought it was an oil drum, but I got the binoculars out and I
couldn't believe my eyes when I realised it was a yellow submarine", he
said.

"The Navy can have it back any time - some sort of salvage fee and some
thanks would be appreciated. But they seem to be dragging their feet over
it."  Baker contacted the local Coast Guard and the Clyde Fishermen's
Association, who phoned the nearby Faslane Naval base to inform them of
the find.

Patrick Stewart, the association secretary of Clyde Fisherman's Association,
claims he was told by Faslane that the person who would normally deal with
lost submarines was on holiday and that he should call back in a week.

Yesterday an MoD spokesman confirmed the PAP 104 Mk 5 submarine was lost on
May 24 from HMS Penzance while it was carrying out a survey of the seabed
in the Mull of Oa.

He added that the ship and its 40 crew spent three days looking for it before
heading back to port.

He said it was highly unusual for this type of vessel to get lost as it
was attached to the parent ship by a cable, and if it became detached, it
emitted a signal whereby it could be found by the crew. It was unclear why
the signal hadn't worked, he said.

"All our procedures have been correctly followed. When the call was made
saying the vessel had been found, the person Mr Stewart spoke to put one
of our legal advisers onto the case straight away and the retrieval process
began", he said.

The MoD has experienced a number of embarrassing incidents with its fleet
of submarines, including the running aground of HMS Trafalgar, a nuclear
submarine, off the Isle of Skye in 2003, causing M-#5m worth of damage.

HMS Triumph was grounded during a training exercise, while HMS Tireless was
damaged after hitting a 'Free floating object'

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Dave Allnutts forward this over from Highett

                       THE GOLFER AND THE LEPRECHAUN

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking
for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on
his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his
water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya
want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want
anything. I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something
for him. I'll give him the three things I would want.... a great golf game,
all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer
is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the
Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want
to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous
golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell
me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. When I need cash, I just
reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly,
"It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a
good job. How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes
twice a week."

"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice
a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in
a small parish."

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    Here's some tasteless Schapelle jokes from Allnutts

                              SCHAPELLE'S SONG...

                         Don't blame it on the sunshine
                         Don't blame it on the airline
                         Don't blame it on the Bali Nine
                         Blame it on the Boogie

I just drove past Schapelle's beauty salon, sign on the door says "back in 20"

FOR LEASE:
Furnished gold coast apartment, size 8 clothes in wardrobe included, negotiable
20 year lease, prefer religious non-smoker
Asians need not apply
Please forward applications to: S. Corby c/o cell 5, Kerobokan Prison, Bali.

Did you see the new lawnmower out now, the Victa Schapelle, it hold 4.1kgs
of grass and comes with a 20 year guarantee!

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                                 FATHERHOOD

A man's nipples are perfectly suited to soothing a crying baby until it can be
fed, according to a report on fatherhood. It names the Aka Pygmies, a hunter-
gatherer tribe from the northern Congo, as the best fathers. When the mother is
not available, the father calms his baby by giving him or her a nipple to suck.

Aka Pygmy men do more in the way of childcare than fathers in any other
society, according to the FatherWorld report, published today by Fathers
Direct, a British charity.

Aka fathers may hold their baby close to their bodies for a couple of hours
at a time, according to Barry Hewlett, an American anthropologist who has
studied the tribe for more than 20 years.

On average, Aka fathers hold or are within reach of their infants 47 per cent
of the time. They beat Swedish fathers, who are number one in the developed
world, and who, on average, do 45 per cent of parental childcare.

British fathers are the fourth-most involved in the West, and do a third of
parental childcare, according to the report, which is based on a review of
existing research literature.

Caroline Flint, the former president of the Royal College of Midwives, said
that she had come across many examples of men in Britain "suckling" their
babies, even though it might not be something they talked about very much.

She said: "It's not a case of the man saying to the baby, 'Here you are,
have my booby', but usually of the baby snuffling along the father's chest,
finding the nipple and sucking. The men are usually very surprised, but the
babies seem content."

Sebastian Kraemer, a child psychiatrist at the Whittington Hospital in London,
said: "It is possible that in prehistoric societies this was a normal way of
fathering." He said that it would be wrong to assume from the past 10,000
years of history that our prevailing model of mother-based childcare was
the right one.

Of 156 cultures studied for the report, only 20 per cent were found to promote
men's close relationships with infants, with only 5 per cent doing the same
for a father's involvement with young children.

The report estimates that fathers worldwide contribute between a quarter
and a third as much time as women to childcare, but it notes that active
fathering is on the increase. In Britain the amount of time that fathers
spend with their children has risen by eight times in the past 30 years.

Michael Lamb, professor of psychology at Cambridge University and a world
expert on fatherhood, said: "Internationally, over the past 20 years, we have
seen fathers who live with their children spending more time with them and
doing more diverse activities, not just in Britain but in every known society."

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   This weeks pics are from Gropwo, Nike Steve, Kirsten the P, UK Smithy,
   Ayrshire Davee, Brian the Lamb, John Sando, Trina, Little Di, The Age's
   Leunig and Tanberg, and Leahy from the Courier Mail.


From the hazy tree in South Africa ... Eric writes
"This is AMAZING!  Until now I never fully understood how to tell the
difference between male and female birds.  I always thought it had to be
determined surgically until now.

Which of the two birds is a female? Below are two birds  Study them closely.
See if you can spot which of the two is the female. It can be done. Even by
one with limited bird watching skills." Click here

From Davee in Ayrshire UK: "If women controlled the world ..."
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Smithy from Nottingham writes:
"I'm not sure how to ask for one of these...coffee anyone?" Click here

Home alone Click here

Security Alert Click here

How to clean your monitor Click here

PC Nerd of the Week Click here

Licences Click here

Heavy duty glass Click here

New Zealand's greatest son Click here

Signs Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

   ***  INTERMISSION  ***  oh, for the good old days ...

A pleasant colourful intermission Click here

In the news: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

A little country ditti (X RATED)  Click here

Fish fashion Click here

Why old men shouldn't have mobiles Click here

Randy bull Click here

Karate Kid Click here

As I've matured Click here

Explain this! Click here

Popcorn dick Click here

And now ...  Here's the floorshow Click here

   Finally, from Tony at Bluehaze (the other FH editor), who says ...

Some more funny clips made by various defence forces - firstly, much better
quality versions of the Armadillo song filmed in Iraq by the British
peacekeepers that we found last week.  People can choose which one they want
to try - the Medium res or the larger High res version:

   Pick either:
Medium res version of Armadillo (large black frame but okay - 29Mb): Click here
  or
High res version of Armadillo (The best, but large - 52Mb): Click here

 and not forgetting:

A Thomas the tank engine version (hilarious, but poor quality - 18Mb):
 Click here

Read the web page about them while you're waiting (or just download from
there): Click here

   and a different song, by the Norwegians on duty in Kosovo (from 2003):

Kosovo song (Norwegian Army - this one is brilliant): Click here

Also see the web page about the Kosovo clip while you're waiting (or just
download the clips from there if you like): Click here

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This is the Digi Maria collection

         HOW DO THESE PEOPLE SURVIVE? (SOME REPORTED INCIDENTS ...)

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an
order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We
don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You
don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So
I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So
I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady
behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those
"dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our
things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my
items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code
so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know
how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll
buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She
had no clue as to what had just happened.

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling
it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she
was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number,
so she was using the ATM "thingy!"

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need
some help?" I asked.

She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door
unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant
convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to
me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't
you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a
large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with
their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch
banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my
terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

"Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."

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     From John and Sarge on the CUB B1 bottling line

                                 4 KINDS OF SEX

HOUSE SEX: When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in
every room.

BEDROOM SEX: After you have been married for a while you just have sex in
the bedroom.

HALL SEX: After you have been married for many, many years, you just pass
each other in the hall and say, "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX: Your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in
front of lots of people for every penny you've got.

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     These from Steve of Oregon

                                   THE BOSS

When I take a long time, I'm slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.

When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When I do something without being told, I'm trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that's initiative.

When I please my boss, I am apple-polishing
When my boss pleases his boss, he's co-operating.

When I do well, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.

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                               REACHING THE HEIGHTS

Height of patience
A naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree

Height of Frustration
A boxer trying to scratch his balls

Height of Innocence
A teenage girl applying Clearasil to her nipples

Height of Unemployment
Cobwebs in the hole of a prostitute

Height of Laziness
A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest

Height of Competition
A guy peeing beside a waterfall

Height of Sophistication
Sucking nipples with a straw

Height of Technology
A condom with a zip

Height of Trouble
A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his ass is itching

Height of vanity
Climaxing and calling out your own name

Height of boredom
You reading this

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                                  THE 5:49

An employee at the Statistics Department notices that a town on the outskirts
of Paris has a birth rate four times higher than the national average. He
decides to investigate and begins by interviewing the town's mayor.

"It's because of the five forty-nine morning train," the mayor tells him.

"The five forty-nine morning train! Why?" the statistican asks surprised.

"It's easy to explain," says the mayor. "The train roars through town waking
everyone when it's too early to get up and too late to go back to sleep ..."

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Quote of the Week:

  "You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating
   jellybeans."
           - Ronald Reagan (US President, 1981)

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[ End Friday humour ]

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