Friday humour - June 10, 2005

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

     Time for yet another load of sometimes dubious humour, pics and movies.
     Incidentally, one of our South African correspondents (Trevor) has
     semi-surfaced in the past cupla weeks - here's a quick update I got
     explaining what he's been up to since giving up on the backpackers:

   "Me again. So I've been quiet for a week or so.  Mmmm.  Did try to write
   something for Friday humour but life got in the way again.

   Decided to take a break from city life yet again.  Am now in Beaufort West,
   which would be akin to hanging out in the Gobi desert or Melbourne :-)

   And I'm at a .... rectory! (My uncle is the priest here.)  Stop laughing.

   Was very busy this weekend. Managed to get 4 priest's wives and a Bishop
   drunk (the priests weren't there).  And I was drunker than a lord.

   Had to break open a bottle of communion wine on Sunday after I finished the
   vodka (Friday), whiskey (Saturday) and port (Sunday morning) just to look at
   myself in the mirror.  It is so much fun just to shock people? And then have
   a bishop join you on your "let's get everyone pissed adventure".

   I'm officially a saintly degenerate now :-)

   Shocked Maayan by telling her I went to church on Sunday.  Imagine her
   response. Alas it was only for 10 mins to set up some video cameras. Then
   I went to supervise the caterers. Nicely avoiding the religion issue. My
   cousin got confirmed in the faith and all that stuff. I'm busy trying to
   spice up the result. But they don't want to allow my choice of music.
   Tsk ...I'll sneak a short music clip with bloopers in at the end.
   Mmm ... some Leonard Cohen anyone?"

      Hey, that sounds like a great move to me, Trevor!

      A cupla days later, another update from the dusty continent:

   "Yep, I know I've been quiet but just had to let you know Maayan will
   arrive here tomorrow. Weeeee!!!!

   Oi, had some stuff to contribute but I've misplaced them.  Actually XP
   removed them from the desktop during a upgrade.  Damn stupid OS."

      Okay - sounds like the TM contributions are still gonna be held up
      for a while yet.  But Maayan is filling in anyway!

      GROPWO found this interesting link, adding that "NTL is a large
      telecommunication company that services North England, Scotland
      and Wales.  While you are on the answering machine, try punching
      a few numbers. If you are lucky you may be able to change their
      message ..." (Ext link) Click here

      To the regular humour for this week, starting off with this one
      from Ted over in the UK ...


There were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking to each other
with sign language.

Mute #1 (SIGN): "What would you like to do?"

Mute #2 (SIGN): "I don't know, what about you?"

Mute #1 (SIGN): "Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark place
and have some fun."

Mute #2 (SIGN): "Good idea."

So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having
a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on
the shoulder...

Front Seat Mute (SIGN): "What?"

Back Seat Mute (SIGN): "Have you got any protection?"

Front Seat Mute (SIGN): "No. Don't you?"

Back Seat Mute (SIGN): "No. We had better go to a drug store and get

They proceed to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets
out and goes inside. In 2 minutes he is back outside and taps on the car

Inside Mute (SIGN): "What?"

Outside Mute (SIGN): "I've got a problem."

Inside Mute (SIGN): "What?"

Outside Mute (SIGN): "I can't make the druggist understand what I want."

Inside Mute (SIGN): "I know what to do.  Go back inside.  Put five dollars
on the counter. Put your pecker on the counter.  He'll know what you want."

Outside Mute (SIGN): "Good idea."

The man goes back into the drug store and 2 minutes later he's back at
the car window.

Inside Mute (SIGN): "Well?"

Outside Mute (SIGN): "It didn't work."

Inside Mute (SIGN): "What do you mean?"

Outside Mute (SIGN): "I did what you told me to do.  I went inside.  I put
$5 on the counter.  I put my pecker on the counter.  He put his on the
counter.  His was bigger.  He took my $5."

          Over to North Hollywood now and another collection from Len:

                               TEN JOKES TO OFFEND

Q. A black and a Puerto Rican are in the same car, who's driving?
A. The Policeman

Q. What do you call a Greek girl who keeps running away from home?
A. A virgin.

Q. What do Orientals use Dental Floss for?
A. Blindfolds.

Q. Hear about the library that burnt down in Paris ?
A. Destroyed their entire collection and they hadn't even finished colouring
   in the second one !

Q. Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same
   day in Iraq?
A. They don't want to wear out the camel.

Q. Who won the Belgian beauty contest?
A. Nobody.

Q. Why do Italian men have mustaches?
A. So they can look like their mothers.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: Why don't blondes in Sydney wear short black mini skirts?
A: Cause their balls would show!


   British General addressing Australian troops:

   Did you come here to die?

   No mate, we came here yester-die.


                             THIS WEEK'S HOROSCOPES

AQUARIUS: You have an inventive mind and are a progressive thinker. You also
lie a lot and are inclined to be careless and impractical, making the same
mistakes over and over. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

PISCES: You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by
the CIA. You have some influence over your friends and people resent you for
flaunting your power. Underneath it all you lack confidence and are generally
a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their noses a lot.

ARIES: You are the pioneer type and have strong leadership tendencies, but
you regard others with contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and don't
take well to advice. You are a prick.

TAURUS: You are down to earth and persistent. You are determined and can work
like hell. Most people think that you are a pig headed shit. You're probably
a fucking communist.

GEMINI: You are quick and intelligent - a thinker. People like you because
you are bisexual, You are also a cheap bastard, expecting everything for
nothing. Gemini's are notorious for thriving on incest.

CANCER: You are extremely sensitive by nature and very caring. You are a wimp,
You are hopeless at making decisions and that is why you will always be on
welfare and you will never be worth a shit.

LEO: Leo people are born leaders but most people think they are just pushy. Most
Leo's are bullies. They are thick assholes who break down under honest
criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo People are thieving bastards
who kiss mirrors a lot.

VIRGO: You are the logical type and detest disorder. This shitpicking makes
your friends sick. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while
screwing. Virgo's make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA: Librans are lucky in employment and financial matters. You are the
artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male then
you are probably queer. Most Libran woman are whores. All Librans die of STD.

SCORPIO: You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will reach the
pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect
Son of a Bitch. Most Scorpio people are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS: You are optimistic and enthusiastic with a reckless tendency to
rely on luck since you have no talent. Most Saggitarians are drunks or pot
heads. People laugh at you a lot because you are always fucking things up.

CAPRICORN: You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basic
chicken shit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance, you should
kill yourself.



"Haven't I seen you before?" = "Great arse!"

"I'm a Romantic" = "I'm poor."

"I need you" = "My hand is tired."

"I am different from all the other guys" = "I am not circumcised."

"I want a commitment" = "I'm sick of masturbation."

"You're the only girl I've ever cared about" = "You are the only girl
who hasn't rejected me."

"I really want to get to know you better" = "So I can tell my friends
about it."

"It's just orange juice, try it" = "3 more shots, and she'll have her
legs around my head."

"She's kinda cute" = "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over
the head might be necessary."

"I don't know if I like her" = "She won't sleep with me."

"I miss you so much" = "I am so horny that my male roommate is starting
to look good."

"Was it good for you?" = "I'm insecure about my manhood."

"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?" = "Is my penis really
that small?"

"I had a wonderful time last night" = "Who the hell are you?"

"Do you love me?" = "I've done something stupid and you might find out."

"Do you 'really' love me?" = "I've done something stupid and you're
going to find out sooner or later."

"How much do you love me?" = "I've done something really stupid and
someone's on their way to tell you by now."

"I have something to tell you" = "Get tested."

"I'll give you a call" = "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild
dogs than see you again."

"I've been thinking a lot" = "You're not as attractive as when I was

"I think we should just be friends" = "You're ugly."

I've learned a lot from you" = "Next!!!!"

I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?" = "I gotta turn on
my answering machine."

         Back over to South Africa now, and Eric in his broken tree ...

                         FRIENDSHIP AMONG WOMEN

A woman doesn't come home at night. The next day she tells her husband she
slept over at a friend's house.  The man calls his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them know about it.

                          FRIENDSHIP AMONG MEN

A man doesn't come home at night. The next day he tells his wife he slept
over at a friend's house.  The woman calls her husbands 10 best friends.
Eight of them say he did sleep over and 2 claim he's still there.


If your dog is too fat, you are not getting enough exercise.

         And from IsK, one I thought we'd already had before, except I
         can't find it so here goes:

                                 COFFEE BREAK

A new primary school teacher starts her first day of class. She begins by
asking students to stand and introduce themselves

The first child stands and says, "My name is Mary Johnson."

"Thank you, Mary", says the teacher.

The second student says, "My name is Sam Smith."

"Thank you, Sam."

The third student says, "My name is Johnny Fuckhour."

The teacher is horrified, and tells Johnny that this type of language will
not be allowed. He replies, "Honest, my name is Johnny Fuckhour. If you
don't believe me, check up in the fifth grade where my brother is."

So the teacher walks up to the fifth grade class, and asks, "Do you have
a Fuckhour in here?"

The teacher looks at her and says, "Hell, no! We don't even time for a

        Back to South Africa and this time from Maayan (who'd just caught
        up with Trev in the desert when she posted this):

  Still in the desert. Went out last night and accidently crashed a private
  party. Those things just seem to happen to Trev and me when we're together.
  No pics of Trevor and me yet, due to our permanent not-so-sober state we
  decided to avoid verandas for now.  Here's some results of being drunk and
  bored at the same time.

    Cheers, Maayan. (Trevor says high)"


 *  The only papers being used in your house are rolling papers.

 *  When you run out of stash you seriously consider the herbs in your kitchen
    (hey, it's green!).

 *  You go through a pack of smokes a day and you don't even smoke cigarettes.

 *  If your eyes are not red and your mouth is not dry you're worried you
    might be sick.

 *  The only cakes you ever eat are space cakes (and you're always
    disappointed when you don't find them on dessert menus) (in which case
    you optimistically order herbal tea).

 *  You believe 'a spliff a day keeps the doctor away' is the original phrase.

 *  You write 'botanic' under 'hobbies' on job applications.

 *  Your pick-up line is 'I can roll such perfect joints it'll blow your
    mind away'.



    (All taken from real-life experiences)

 *  You wake up with a phone number written on your back with lipstick.

 *  You have 26 missed calls from people you don't know whom you apparently
    invited over.

 *  You wake up with an empty wallet / new tattoo / nosebleed.

 *  It's your birthday right after that new-year's party although you were
    born in March.

 *  Reading the 'sent messages' on your cell phone feels like watching a
    horror sci-fi film.

 *  (And I don't even mention waking up next to "Who the fuck are you?!")

 *  You don't remember going out.

 *  "I did what?!" replaces "Good morning!"

 *  You have to phone your friends for explanations regarding the bruises
    on your knees.

 *  You'll never be allowed into that pub again (although you're not sure
    which pub it was).

 *  You get weird looks from people you've never seen before (actually,
    you'll probably have to move).

 *  You don't wake up.



 *  Your dogs actually frown at you when you come home (only 10 minutes
    after you left, you just went for smokes).

 *  You cry during an episode of "Sisters" (mainly because you missed the
    last episode).

 *  The security company phones you to make sure everything's ok since you
    haven't activated your alarm in so long.

 *  Your car won't start cause the battery's flat (the good news is, it's
    a collector's item by now).

 *  You don't watch the news because "That 70s show" is all you need to know
    about current affairs.

 *  Of course you know Bush is the president! (You think the title "Jr." only
    refers to his limited skills).

 *  You write to your local magazine with queries about crossword solutions.

 *  You think life is happy and people are good.

      Arrr, what the heck - just before we have the pics for the week, here's
      another update from Maayan a cupla days after she posted the above.
      Sounding quite excited, in fact ...

        "Hey Tony,
   I love Cape Town! I was in love with this city the first time I was here
   (and every time since). I can't believe I finally live here.  We haven't
   really done much so far, mainly due to our poor financial state. Today we
   were running around all day, I'm trying for a few different jobs at the

   When we got off the bus in the evening (before our 10 minute walk home),
   it started pissing it down (accompanied by the notorious cape town
   gale wind) so by the time we got here we were soaking and looking like
   Titanic survivors.  But it's not that cold, and I prefer it to the dry
   and atmosphere-free Jo'burg winter.

   Trevor took me to a reggae shop today and we finally got some decent weed.
   (Well done Trev). So I can be my calm self again (which one?).  And I
   haven't had a drink or a cigarette in three days.  Gee, I must be going nuts.
   Going to smoke my new purchase and watch the rain now."

      [ Go Maayan - hope it was good stuff! ]

      To the pics now, and first up, it's over to Oregon and one that Vinae

   "The music gets annoying because it restarts everytime you push next,
   but the pics are interesting" ...

Watermelon art (Ext link):  Click here

      Next, from Muse and Biggus, one which comes with an interesting
      introductory description.  The clip was apparently filmed in Iraq,
      would you believe (shades of Mash, almost) ...

Troops in the Royal Dragoon Guards shot this video at their Al Faw base in
Iraq. This clip has received an enormous amount of attention and actually
helped crash a few military servers as personnel passed the video around
via email.


  Wednesday, May 18, 2005 Posted: 10:55 AM EDT (1455 GMT)

LONDON, England (Reuters) -- British soldiers serving in Iraq crashed defense
ministry computers in London last week after officials downloaded a spoof
video the troops had made of a chart-topping song.

The soldiers' four-minute video take of the 1971 hit "Is This The Way To
Amarillo" had officers laughing out loud back at London headquarters as they
e-mailed copies to each other.

"The video is really good," a military spokesman said on Tuesday.

But computers could not cope with the demand and the e-mail server was
paralyzed for "several hours" Friday, May 13, he said.

"The video was a good way of maintaining morale on operations. The fact that
it proved so popular was unfortunate, but the system failure did not affect
operational capabilities," he added.

The original song was re-released earlier this year with British comic Peter
Kay miming to Tony Christie's original.

The soldiers' version was entitled "Is This The Way To Armadillo?"

In the spoof video, a soldier looking like Kay marches through a British
base in Iraq calling on fellow troopers to join him, including two dressed
only in underwear, webbing and rifles.

Way to Armadillo? (Apple MOV movie): Click here

       Maayan sent these earlier whilst in Beaufort:

   "I'm now in Beaufort West (a tiny town in the middle of the desert) with
   Trevor (yey!).  We're going to Cape Town next week.  I'll email you some
   original stuff soon, for now I'm attaching a couple of picts.  Going to
   start a new chapter in my life now (though think I'll have a beer first)"

 Click here Click here Click here Click here

   "And now to something completely different ...  I'm attaching a couple
   of pics from a website of a caricaturist friend of mine (he's brilliant,
   but unfortunately all his stuff is in Hebrew) ... you might like it"

 Click here Click here Click here

And from Trevor (from way back in 2002 when he was just little - I lost it)
Heaven: Click here

        From Ian Watson, a couple of great Bruno Shockwave animations:

Italy versus Europe (Shockwave movie): Click here
The flat (Shockwave movie): Click here

        And from Ted Harris back in the good ol' UK:

Rachel gets fruity (Ext link): Click here

        Plus a few from GROPWO ...

Russian Idol Finalists at Football Match - simply the worst (M$ WMV movie): Click here

Interesting discoveries found on google maps (Ext link): Click here

Somewhat sick link: Click here

        From Sydney Bob, who added: "I'd have a biscuit too ..."
May I? (M$ WMV movie): Click here

        And from Anna (via another teacher at FHSC):
Schapelle: Click here

        On that subject (of visiting Bali or Indonesia), Biggus passed on
        this new game - Indonesian Monopoly: Click here

        Again from the UK, these ones from the Castle Hill Books mob:

Texas Limo: Click here
ASCII art: Click here

        Digi Maria came up with these during the past week or so ...

Mexican Restaurant commercial (M$ WMV movie): Click here
The new Royal Calendar (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
Defanged animals (M$ Powerpoint): Click here
Fox hat (M$ WMV movie): Click here
Surprise! (M$ WMV movie) Click here
Faaa ... (M$ WMV movie) Click here

        And a few from Burnout.  We've had the first one before as a text
        joke, but someone's made a movie clip:
Change course! (M$ WMV movie) Click here
Height records: Click here
Education for Americans: Click here

         Dicko over in Western Australia insists that the storm pics that
         Mandie posted a cupla weeks ago are all bogus!  He's passed on
         these real ones which should give an accurate idea of the damage

WA storm: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

         This one from Rowan Davidson is a repeat in a way ... we've had the
         actual pics before, but not with these explanatory subtitles!

Big meals (M$ Powerpoint): Click here

         Brian Lamb came across these shots ... "These pictures are of a
         Chinese aicraft taken at a refuelling stop in Germany. Note the
         straps (seatbelts) holding the engine together.  Apparently on
         further inspection three engines had to be changed before it was
         allowed to take off ..."

Who needs terrorists?  Click here Click here Click here

  [ That's staggering.  At the speed these turbines rotate, it's hard to
    imagine the rotor assembly could stay in one piece  -  Bluehaze Ed. ]

        And from Brett the Valentine:

How to annoy people (M$ WMV movie): Click here

        Moonboot (who's been rather busy playing online role-playing games)
        has also re-surfaced briefly to pass these movie clips on for your
        amusement.  The first one is amazing:

How would you like your ice? (M$ WMV movie): Click here
Chimp Karate lessons (MPEG movie): Click here
Soccer - strange goal (MPEG movie): Click here
Don't buck the RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America) by
downloading that MP3 music!  (MPEG movie) Click here

                 AUDIO BYTES - late night or weekend listening

    "The artful brain" is the 3rd in the series on the workings of the
     human brain as presented by Professor Vilayanur S. Ramachandran,
     Director of the Centre for Brain and Cognition at the University of
     California (San Diego).  You can listen to these direct via the BBC
     web site if you're daring enough to have installed RealAudio.  Just go
     to the BBC site - Click here   Otherwise, here's an open-standards MP3

     (or OGG) copy:

The Brain, part 3 - "The artful brain" (13 Mb MP3 audio): Click here
or the better quality (and slightly smaller) OGG audio version (11Mb): Click here

          Back to North Hollywood now and another collection from Len:

                           THE BLONDE AND THE CHIMPS

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was
flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to
the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem
is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego
Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road
all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100
for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into
the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat
belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San
Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down
the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a
big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to
the blonde.  "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you
$100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over, so
now we're going to Sea World"



An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his
paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that
a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate
in value after your death.  When I told him that that, he bought all 15 of
your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

The owner replied, "Well the bad news is that I think that the guy is your

                          THE POWER OF GERIATRIC LOVE

At 85 years of age, Morris marries LouAnne, a lovely 25-year-old.  Because her
new husband is so old, LouAnne decides that on their wedding night, she and
Morris are to have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her
new husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, LouAnne prepares herself for bed, and for the
expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and
there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes
well, whereupon Morris takes leave of LouAnne, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, LouAnne hears another knock on her bedroom door.
It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action! Somewhat surprised,
LouAnne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris
kisses LouAnne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves.

LouAnne is set to go to sleep again. However, after a few short minutes, there
is another knock at her door, and there he is again. Morris, as fresh as a
25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.

As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am
thoroughly impressed, Honey, I've been with guys less than a third your age
who were only good once! You're a great lover, Morris."

Somewhat embarrassed, Morris says, "You mean I was here already?"

        Back to the Castle Hill Books mob now, with another contribution
        on the subject of geriatric love:

                        THE POWER OF GERIATRIC LOVE #2

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it
might be time for marriage. But before tying the knot, they went out for a
heart to heart talk over dinner about whether it would really work out.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, snoring, and so on.  Finally,
the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical
relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say that I would
like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment.

Then looking over his glasses, he casually asked, "Was that one word or two?"

       Hell, we seem to be stuck with the gerry generation - this next one
       from Brian Lamb is a ...

                                 TEST FOR DEMENTIA

Question 1:
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add
another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000.  Now add 10. What is the total?

Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.

Question 2:
Mary's father has five daughters:

1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.

What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Did you answer, Nunu?  Well, thats wrong!
Her name is Mary. (Read the question again!)

Question 3:
There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action
of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the clerk,
and the purchase is completed.  Now, a blind man wishes to buy a comb.
How should he express himself?

If you answered:
He points to his head, and imitates the action of combing ones
hair ... then you're wrong!
He just has to open his mouth and ask the clerk!  He is blind, not mute!

      Okay - we've gone way over for the week again, but one final one from
      Allnuts (as passed on by Davo):

                                 BATHTUB TEST

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time.

This little test should get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what
criteria is used to define a patient who's to be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a
teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the

Okay, here's your test:

1.  Would you use the spoon?

2.  Would you use the teacup?

3.  Would you use the bucket?

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor.  "A normal person would choose the

"No," answered the Director.  "A normal person would pull the plug."

    So how did you do, hmmm ...?

      And Davo passed on this ...

                               QUOTE OF THE WEEK

   "I live my life the way I live my life.  I say what I think ... I
    live by my standards, my morals ... I say it again, I don't give
    A FUCK what my listeners think, I really don't."
        Derryn Hinch (The Bulletin, June 14 2005)

      What a wonderful attitude from Melbourne radio's top rating Drive
      presenter (not!).  For the full article, Click here
[ End Friday humour ]

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