Friday humour - June 03, 2005


     From Davo at bluehaze:

         G'day

   I have to echo Tony's comments from last week's issue.  Graham Kennedy was
   King of TV in Australia even though he hadn't appeared on television for
   the last 14 years.  He didn't like flying but had he taken on the world
   who knows how far he would have gone?  He was one of a kind - and a more
   popular Australian would be hard to find.

   He had a fitting funeral service on Tuesday in the Playhouse Theatre
   in the little rural NSW town of Mittagong.  It was telecast live on two
   networks to two million of his adoring fans.

   It is such a shame that 3AW's "human headline" Derryn Hinch had to muck
   rake prior to the service claiming that he knew that GK had died of AIDS.
   Even had it been true this would not have been the time to say it.  Even
   after it was proved that Graham didn't have AIDS Hinch still wouldn't back
   off from his crude unwarranted attack.  (See the reference to hinch below.)

   Graham Kennedy worked in radio (Radio Australia and the Greater 3UZ)
   from 1952 to 1956, then five nights a week on GTV9 from 1957 to 1969,
   then various long stints on Channels 9 and 10, 3AK, 3XY, and ABC Radio.
   Everything he touched turned to gold.

   Besides being the consummate performer Melbourne also owes Graham Kennedy
   a vote of thanks for establishing "Television City" as still the best TV
   studio in Australia.  Not long after television commenced local programming
   in most states ceased as all networks established headquarters in Sydney.
   There was nothing that the Packers could do to stop GTV9 and our Graham.
   And Melbourne is still reaping the benefits today.

   What follows is from the funeral service and long-time gag writer Mike
   McColl Jones.  It's a fax he'd just received from Graham Kennedy in
   Heaven ...

   "Dear Mike: You know how much I loathe flying.

This was the smoothest flight I've ever had. Not one bump. Good airline too,
Air God.

It was fascinating to see airline food being served by nuns.

When I arrived, I was greeted by this old bloke with a white beard. He looked
like me in sketches.

I helped him drag some cases of grog in through the Pearly Gates (which,
by the way, are plastic).

Gee, they think of everything up here. Fifty crates of gin and tonic and a
lovely bucket of ice.

The guy I helped is already a chum -- I call him Saint Peter the phantom
puller.

Met some really interesting people on the weekend. Henry VIII -- he told me
he liked the way I threw the chicken on the floor for Bert to pick up.

John Logie Baird -- he said he's going to name an award after me: the Cyril.

And Dick Turpin, he told me a very funny joke, did Dick. Dick did! Clever dick!

I hear Derryn outed me. I've got a hot flash for him: It's rife up here.

Only a few minutes ago I saw Oscar Wilde holding hands with Chips Rafferty.

I reckon if Hinch's body is ever washed up on a beach, police will be
interviewing suspects for seven years.

I'm having a drink tonight at the Cloud Club with some old chums -- Joff,
Rosie, Johnny Ladd, Buster Fiddess, Tommy Hanlon, Sr and Jr, Al Jolson,
Dean Martin. You'll never guess who the barman is! Johnny Meillon!

Do you know who I saw on Friday afternoon? Rover Boy. He's still peeing!

I must go now. I'm about to meet God! I said he could come over at two.

PS. You'll never guess who I had dinner with last night -- Joan of Aaaaark!"
     ---------------------------------------------------------------------


    First up this week, a Digi Maria quickie:

                                  PUSSY JOKES

Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
He set a new lap record.

Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool?
She had mittens.

What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat?
A peeping tom.

Why don't cats play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs.

   --__--__--__--__--__--__--__--fh--__--__--__--__--__--__--__--


   This article from The Times came from Chris - SOB.

                 WI LADIES ACCUSED OF MORE BAD BEHAVIOUR: TERRORISM

                           By Michael Horsnell
                               May 28, 2005

WOMEN'S Institute members have grown used to fending off jokes about jam
and Jerusalem. After all, there was that naked calendar and the unladylike
handbagging of Tony Blair at their annual conference five years ago.

They have hardly ever been mistaken for a group of desperadoes, however. But
when a party from the WI's Suffolk West Federation were returning in high
spirits from a weekend trip to Paris, gendarmes raided their coach and sent
in the dogs. The 48 women at first joked that the French police were after
their jam sandwiches - until told that they were being held as suspected
terrorists because police believed that there was a bomb on the coach, which
was stopped from embarking on a Eurotunnel train. Specialist equipment had
detected explosives as officers carried out routine security checks.

The baffled women were forced to remain in their seats for nearly an hour
while a full search was made. German shepherd dogs were brought in by the
less-than-friendly gendarmes to sniff them and their luggage. The women had
missed two trains by the time they were given the all-clear to resume their
journey home to Suffolk last Sunday.

Jill Gooch, 69, an executive member of the Federation of WIs, said: "We
expected to sail through Customs controls at Calais. But when the French
police put their special equipment under the coach, it detected that there
was a bomb on board.

"They had a big discussion outside and did another test ten minutes later,
which proved positive again. Then some higher-echelon people were summoned
and there was another big discussion. My friend and I were joking until
we realised it might be serious. You hear about people being arrested for
laughing and the French police were looking very sternly at us.

"We then began to get a little bit concerned, although we knew in our hearts
that they would not find anything."

Mrs Gooch, from Icklingham, said: "Our driver tried to tell them we were a
group of harmless women from Suffolk - but he had to get out and open all
the hatches so they could examine our luggage.

"This dog was then brought in to sniff all around the outside of the coach. It
then came on board and sniffed around all the ladies - but I think he was
more interested in their sandwiches. The dog appeared a bit mangy and looked
as if it could do with a good meal.

"Some of our more elderly members were getting quite perturbed and scared
when they heard the police were looking for a bomb."

Mrs Gooch said: "It is quite possible that the French police had never heard
of the WI before. I can't imagine they would have thought that it might be
a terrorist organisation."

One possible explanation for the misunderstanding for the trace of explosive
was suggested by Julie Higgins, secretary of the Suffolk West Federation,
who organised the 160-a-head trip. She said: "I am wondering whether it
might have been caused by some nail varnish remover in someone's luggage
because I have since been told that it can cause equipment like this to
react. You can't be too careful these days."

       --__--__--__--__--__--__--__--fh--__--__--__--__--__--__--__--


    And from Vinae of Oregon

                                  BARGAIN BUY

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to
yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!

He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his
parents. "We know what a Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one
cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that
for fifteen dollars?" they said. "It was the lady up the street," said the
boy. "I don't know her name; they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my
bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother, "She must be a child abuser. Who knows
what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived
and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself
as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars
and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought
he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii
with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back.

He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send
him the money. So I did."

        --__--__--__--__--__--__--__--fh--__--__--__--__--__--__--__--


     And just before we hit the pics:

People should get off Eddie's back.  He's a man of his word.  On becoming
Collingwood President he promised to lead the Pies to their rightful position
on the ladder.  Mission accomplished.

  Happy Tiger,

      Sunbury
        --__--__--__--__--__--__--__--fh--__--__--__--__--__--__--__--

This weeks pics are from Moonboot, Burnout, Gropwo, Sister Carol, Digi Maria,
Sydney Uni Jeff, M&Ms, John Sando, Brett Dude, Uncle Doug, Digi Steve, UK
Smithy, IsK, Stevo, Ian R, Nike Steve; Tanberg, Petty, and Leunig of The Age;
and Leahy of Brisbane's Courier Mail.

As is usual at the moment, we've put the LARGER files over on Digi Steve's
experimental server (humour.pozzie.net) - so thanks, Steve!

   From UK Smithy
"Personally I could not imagine something as exciting as this, I wouldn't
be able to sleep for weeks ..." Click here

   From Mandie M&Ms
"Apparently these pictures are real....got them from a reliable source at the
Weather Bureau.  They are unbelievable!!  I assume this is the same storm that
resulted in a huge crane crashing into the side of a building in WA. Cheers,
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Divorce settlement Click here

Nice cop Click here
 Click here

Dreadlocked Click here

North Westish Click here

Inovative roadblock Click here

In the news: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Redneck's breast-xam Click here

BT Monopoly Click here

Indonesian Monopoly Click here

How to ... Click here

Shoppin' with the missus Click here

Photoshop tricks (M$ Powerpoint): Click here

High density (M$ Powerpoint): Click here

Best carpenter in Venice (M$ Powerpoint): Click here

Wine opener (M$ Proprietary WMV movie - 2.5Mb) Click here

The future exposed (2.3Mb MPEG movie): Click here

Coffee break (Open standards MPEG movie - 1.3Mb) Click here

Kicking elephants (M$ Proprietary WMV movie - 2Mb) Click here

Cancel your wife's gym membership:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Forget-me-not panties Click here

Here's hope Click here

Pizza order Click here

Dicktease Click here

WAPL Morning crew song (MP3 audio - 750Kb) Click here

Don't talk sexy (M$ Proprietary WMV movie - 6Mb) Click here

        --__--__--__--__--__--__--__--fh--__--__--__--__--__--__--__--


   This one's from a new contributor, Jeff - over at Sydney University:

                           THE WORK OVERLOAD VIRUS

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.

This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else
via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipeout your private life
completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take
2 good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as
Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE).

The quickest acting WINE type is called Swift-Hitting-Infiltrator-Remover-All-
Zones (SHIRAZ) but this is only available for those who can afford it.
The next best equivalent is Cheapest-Available-System-Killer (CASK). Take
the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your
system. Forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends you
have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. This virus
Destroys-Every-Available-Decent-Living-Youngster (DEADLY).

Update 05-05-05: After extensive testing it has been concluded that
Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may
require a more generous application.

        --__--__--__--__--__--__--__--fh--__--__--__--__--__--__--__--


   This one is from Nike Steve

                                      COLD TURKEY

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants
a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini
line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So
the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The woman then instructs
him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So
the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you
don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on
your thighs?"

She said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that
there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

         --__--__--__--__--__--__--__--fh--__--__--__--__--__--__--__--


   And from Twin Cities Minnesota this from Scott

                               AGING WITH A SMILE ...

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a
few drinks first.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as
it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body
are just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

I think I've reached my sexpiration date.

People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life!

Provided we get cable or that dish thing.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they
haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child
playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.

Remember: - You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old
because you stop laughing.

        --__--__--__--__--__--__--__--fh--__--__--__--__--__--__--__--


   Quickies from Burnout

                                  THE CORBY CONTROVERSY

A bloke was walking past Shappele Corby's beauticians shop today and noted
a sign in the door window: "Back in 20".

Victa has announced a new motor mower model yesterday; it has a twenty year
warranty & the new grass catcher holds a guaranteed 4.5 kg. The mower will
be known as the 'Shappele'.

                                   EATING OUT

A Queensland man appeared in a Magistrates Court yesterday having been
charged with the destruction of native wildlife.

When asked by the astonished magistrate to account for this actions he
responded by saying, "Your Worship I was stuck out in the bush for five
days without food with a badly sprained ankle, when the ranger came upon me
with the dead platypus, I found it dead on the river bank and was trying to
prevent my death from hunger."

"Well," said the magistrate, "In view of your explanation before this Court,
I find you not guilty of this offence."

"Thankyou", your Worship," answered the relieved defendant. And as the man
started to limp away the magistrate asked, "As a mater of interest, what do
platypus taste like?"

"Well, you worship, they're quite gamey.  But if you marinate them overnight,
they go down just as good as Koala."

        --__--__--__--__--__--__--__--fh--__--__--__--__--__--__--__--


                              GETTING YOUR OWN BACK

A businessman went to Star City Casino for the weekend to gamble. He lost
the shirt off his back and had nothing left but twenty cents and the return
part of his round-trip ticket.  If he could just get to the airport he could
get himself home ...

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the
driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers
license number, his address, all to no avail.

The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of
my cab!"

So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely
in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his
financial success, returned to Star City and this time he won big. Feeling
pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a
cab ride back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at the end
of a long line of cabs but his old mate who had refused to give him a ride
when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay
for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the
first cab in the line ...

"How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

"And how much for you to give me oral sex on the way?"

"What?  Get the hell out of my cab!"

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked
the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked,
"How much for a ride to the airport?"

The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks"

The businessman said "Okay" and off they went.  As they drove slowly past
the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign
to each of the other drivers.

      --__--__--__--__--__--__--__--fh--__--__--__--__--__--__--__--


Finally another from Allnutts

                    GIRLS FROM MOE - YOU HAVE TO BE FROM VICTORIA

A Moe girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding.

The paramedics soon arrive on site.

Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?"

Girl: "Okay"

Medic: "What's your name?"

Girl: "Sharon."

Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"

Sharon: "Yes."

Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"

Sharon: "Moe, mate."

         --__--__--__--__--__--__--__--fh--__--__--__--__--__--__--__--


Quote of the Week

                      "Well done is better than well said."

                                  - Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)


         --__--__--__--__--__--__-the--fh--end--__--__--__--__--__--__--


[ End Fri humour ]


 Previous (May 27, 2005)  Index Next (June 10, 2005)