Friday humour - May 27, 2005


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

           Hi,
       Hearing of the death of Graham Kennedy - dubbed "The King of Television"
       in Australia - has made this a sad week in many ways.

       Graham was a total enigma - he burned himself out with his first 14
       years of live television variety from 1957 to the point where his
       personal life almost ceased to exist.  He hated being with most
       people to such a degree that he just wanted to spend the rest of his
       life alone.  Never married, never shacked up - amazing.  Benny Hill
       apparently suffered the same fate - he was so wound up with his comedy
       show that it just took over his entire life, and he similarly had no
       interest in other people - of either sex.  I guess that's what happens
       when you discover you have an amazing talent for the entertainment
       business, that the public adore you, and before you know it, you end up
       sort of locked in ...  forever trying for better and better quality.
       And yet at a different level, you find yourself looking on the whole
       scene with a degree of disdain.

       One school friend of mine (Graeme Roland - and his brother) were so
       enamoured of IMT and Graham here in Melbourne that they cleaned out
       their entire garage and set it up as a mock IMT studio - complete with
       full-scale TV cameras on dollies, cabling, lighting, audio and the
       whole bit.  Then they ran weekly "variety shows" and invited everyone
       in the neighbourhood around to be the audience.  I got dragged in for
       a while and helped out too - and I must admit that it was fun.
       Somewhat weird, but fun!  (Needless to say, they both ended up in TV,
       at Channel 7 here in Melbourne)

       Anyway, if you're somehow receiving these thoughts out there, Graham -
       you were the greatest!  More than most, you made Melbourne the place to
       be for young and old in the 2nd half of the 20th Century.  We owe you!

       Phillip Adams has a tribute to Graham on the Radio National web site,
       and it even has a high quality, open standards MP3 version available -
       Click here (it's an hour's worth ... great listening for any fans).

       And I suppose I should own up to my own ramblings on Graham here at
       Bluehaze.  Click here if you want more.

                                    =  =  =  =  =

       One "letter to the editor" this week came from John W, re that recent
       "Lucky the guide dog" story.  It's a link actually - Click here
       (As I commented to John, I think I woke up when it got to the bit
       where the dog was said to have "... pushed his third owner off a
       railway platform ..." :-)
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        First bit of humour this week comes from John up at DET in Sydney:
                             ---------------------------

Q. What's ET short for?

A. Because he only has short legs!!!
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       And from Maayan (I think she's back in Cape Town this week, although
       one can never be quite sure with her - or Trevor):
                             ---------------------------

   "Hey Tony,
Thanks for making me famous. One thing I forgot to add to my "10 ways to
know you have a coke problem" -  Your drug dealer phones you (worried)
if he hasn't heard from you in more than 72 hours... (Yep, it happened to me!)

You can surprise Trevor with this little anecdote (which became my motto in
life): When I was working at the backpackers Trevor walked into the bar and
said: "I'm not drinking anymore". You can imagine my shock and amazement,
but he quickly added - "But I'm not drinking any less!" (Gee, I was worried
there for a second...)"
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       And Bob C up in Sydney posted this gem down:
                             ---------------------------

                            THE CHINESE VIRGIN HONEYMOON

A Chinese couple gets married -- and she's a virgin.  Truth be told, he is
none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under
the bed sheets as her husband undresses.

He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:

"My darring" he says, "I know dis you fus time and you berry frighten. I
plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting jus anyting you wan,
you say. Whatchou wan?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes
will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her
request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wan ...... numba 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone, he says "... You want ... Beef wif Broccori?"
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                  This one's from Nike Steve:
                             ---------------------------

                                  TASMANIAN HUMOUR


A young man graduated from University of Tasmania with a degree in journalism.
His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human
interest story. Being from Tassie, he went back to the bush to do his research.
He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself
to the farmer, and proceeded to explain to him why he was there.

The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you
happy?"

The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbour's
sheep got lost. We formed a search party and found it. We all rooted it and
took it back home."

"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything
else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"

After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbour's daughter,
a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big search party that time and
found her.  After we all rooted her, we took her back home too."

Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever
happened around here that made you sad?"

The old farmer dropped his head, looked up timidly at the young man and said,
"I got lost once."
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       And from my email sig-tag generator ( which anyone can use, BTW - just
       Click here ):

                             ---------------------------

A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons the bartender.
"Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey."

The bartender ignores him.

"Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey." Still ignored.

"HEY BARMAN!! GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!"

The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the left
front leg.  The dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain.

Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing cowboy boots, jeans,
chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns.  He ambles slowly into the saloon,
goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender, "I'm here
t'git the man that shot muh paw."
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    Over to the froth and trouble at CUB next and a couple from John the K:
                             ---------------------------


                                REPAINTING THE STEEPLE

The church steeple in Port Gibson is very high and was being painted on a
rather hot day. The painter was about half way down and, as the steeple
was widening out, was taking more paint. The painter felt that he might not
have enough paint to finish. Since he was hot and tired, and did not care to
make another trip to the ground, he decided to stretch the amount of paint
by adding some paint thinner to it. When finished, he lowered himself to the
ground and went about cleaning up. Then he looked up to see the results of his
work and noted that the area with the thinned paint looked decidedly different.

He was pondering about what to do about it when the sky turned dark and
there was a lightning flash and loud thunderclap. Then in a loud, booming
voice from the sky came the words, "REPAINT AND THIN NO MORE!".

                           ----====#===#===#====----

A priest decides to pay a visit to a nearby convent. The convent is in
a run-down neighborhood, and as the priest walks down the street several
prostitutes approach and proposition him. "Twenty bucks a trick!"  These
solicitations embarrass the priest who lowers his head and hurries on until
he gets to the convent. Once inside he displays his naivety by asking the
Mother Superior, "What is a trick?"

She answers, "Twenty bucks -- just like on the street."
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          Something from Maria next:

                                  THE ANGRY BLONDE

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and
noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing,
with no water in sight.

The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde,
"What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes
a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!"
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          And from Biggus - a few words on bureaucracy ...
                             ---------------------------

* Pythagorean theorem: ... 24 words.
* Lord's prayer: ... 66 words.
* Archimedes' Principle: ... 67 words.
* 10 Commandments: ... 179 words.
* Gettysburg address: ... 286 words.
* Declaration of Independence: ... 1,300 words.
* US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: ... 26,911 words.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


          And another one from John up at DET in NSW (slightly lewd):
                             ---------------------------

A bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury
my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your paps," he says.

"You dirty git!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."
The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts
this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down,
spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off," he says.

"You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out!!" she storms. Again, the
bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again. "One more chance,"
says the barmaid. "Now - what do you want?"

"I want to turn you upside down, open your flaps, fill your pussy with
Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup."

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to
fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.

"What's up love?" he asks.

"There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my paps and
lick the sweat off", she says.

"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the husband.

"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick
it off!" she screams.

"Right. He's dead," says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat.

"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness
and drink it all!" she cries.

The husband puts down his bat, returns to his armchair, and switches the telly
back on.

"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.

"Sorry love - I'm not messing with someone who can drink 15 pints of Guinness."
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          Almost to this week's large pics collection, but before we get to
          them, over to our BHP correspondent for yet another golfing joke:
                             ---------------------------

                           PERHAPS WE SHOULD TAKE UP GOLF?

Four lawyers in a law firm loved their Saturday morning round of golf.
It was their favourite moment of the week.

Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't
quite the same without him. Then, a new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One
day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the
coffee table. Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team
in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them
wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said
it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early, at 6:30 am. He
figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her.

The woman said this might be a problem, and asked if she could possibly
be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said this would be
okay. She smiled, and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or
6:45." She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up beating all three of them
with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person
the entire round. The guys were impressed!

Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the
next week. She smiled, and said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45." The
next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she
played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed
to beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. By
now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to
make them look bad by beating them left-handed.  They couldn't figure her
out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up,
but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!

In the third week they all had their game faces on.  But this week she was
15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined
to play the best round of golf of his life, to beat her. As they waited
for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her
part. Finally, she showed up. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed,
which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However,
she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard
to hold a grudge against her.

This woman was a riddle no one could figure out! Back in the clubhouse she
had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple of
beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally, one
of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank,
"How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my Dad taught me
to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching
back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I
discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly
habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull
the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed
right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed. All the
guys on the team thought this was hysterical."

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But
what if it's pointed straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Okay - the pics and things - and somehow this week, we seem to have a
     massive collection.  A few are links to external sites, so we can't
     guarantee those, but here we go anyway ...
                             ---------------------------

     From IsK, it's - Son of a Sith!!  He can read minds!!  Unless of course
     you chose a honey dew melon.  Or maybe my mind really is the steel trap
     I have always thought it to be :)  Click here

     And - no kidding - this is an actual photo taken by Mars Global
     Surveyor, and it's the first picture of a spacecraft as taken by
     another spacecraft: Click here
     More info: Click here
     (ok, ok, so it's one of our own... still cool though...)

     Paris Hiltons latest - an ad for Hamburgers (Shockwave movie) Click here
      "I'll have two with the works thanx", says IsK ...

     And IsK also reckons people oughta get give up on dogs and get
     REAL pets like these guys in Nigeria: Click here Click here

     And finally this classic ... (drum roll) ... Stunt City!  A Rexona
     commercial (an Apple MOV movie): Click here
                             ---------------------------

     And from SOB Chris in Lincoln, UK:

   "I was out earlier this evening recording the sound of the local swans.
   I had a digital camera with me, and managed take the attached picture as I
   recorded the sounds of the swan.  The swan was so relaxed that at one point
   it decided the microphone looked more interesting that the reeds it was
   munching on. The caption came when I got back and saw the photo on
   the screen ..." Click here
                             ---------------------------


    This one from Ted H (also in the UK ... "In sunny ( for a change )
    Manchester", who writes "We're being bombarded with crazy frog ring
    tones ... well, here's a ring tone you would not want in polite company":
    Click here
                             ---------------------------

      Over to Digi Maria for a few now.  First up, it's some expensive rugs:

    "Hi everyone,
    I'm thinking of having girly party :-)  A friend of mine is selling
    throw rugs. You know what they are - the thingy that you put over
    your bed. I have only this sample (as attached). They're $525 each.
    I know it sounds expensive, but they are good quality. Have a look,
    and let me know if you are interested,
       Miriam" - Click here

      Plus this collection of warped (says Maria) cartoons:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here 

                             ---------------------------

        Andrew Smith found these - "Don't know if it's true or not ..."
    Midget fight: Click here

        As well as this weird "Taiwanese Toilet restaurant" (Davo showed
        one pic last week, but here's a whole collection):

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
                             ---------------------------

       Maayan sent this over (and reckons she "fully agrees" ... so if I was
       Trevor, I'd just watch out ... :-) Maayan's fav Tshirt: Click here
                             ---------------------------

       And from our wandering BHP correspondent: Wrong ones? Click here
                             ---------------------------


       And from Watso -
"Gawn, just bin it" ...  Click here Click here Click here
                             ---------------------------

       Over to Hollywood next, and these ones from Len:

Belt up: Click here
Church signs: Click here
Medical problems: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
                             ---------------------------

       Brett sent these over - and yes, they are a little steamy so please
       don't open them in front of your children.  First up, some out-takes
       from Shrek II that ended up on the cutting floor:

Naughty Shrek: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
  Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

       plus these of Kirsten D and Anna K (somewhat voyeuristic and also
       slightly steamy): Click here Click here

       How to handle a big roundabout (M$ proprietary WMV movie) Click here

       New burger line from MacD's: Click here

       and a Sam Kekovich clip (an Apple MOV movie) Click here
                             ---------------------------

       Burnout sent this collection across:

Storm 2009 (M$ proprietary WMV movie) Click here
How did she do it? (M$ proprietary WMV Click here

And a few shots taken in Brisbane, Thursday last week.  This is the tropics?
Storm: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
  Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Ultrasound twins (M$ proprietary WMV movie) Click here

Your favourite Gyno: Click here
Your favourite toilet: Click here

And - Why Eve bit that apple: Click here
                             ---------------------------

       Via Davo, this one from Allnuts over at Highett:

  Miss AFL (M$ Powerpoint) Click here
                             ---------------------------

       These from Digi Steve - first up, Vodka puts Springer in your step:

Disagree (M$ proprietary WMV movie) Click here
More OH&S examples (M$ Powerpoint) Click here
                             ---------------------------

       Gee, I really forget who sent these, so ... from anon:

Hilux (MPG movie) Click here
Exercise (MPG movie) Click here
                             ---------------------------

       From little Lisa T - German Engineering vs Arab ... whatever:

Ultimate Beetle (M$ proprietary WMV movie) Click here
                             ---------------------------

       GROPWO thought you might like to pin this up on your wall:

Beer Motivational: Click here
                             ---------------------------

       And from James and Jen (who are currently touring in Europe again),
       we just received this postcard: Click here
                             ---------------------------

                                AND A FEW SOUND BYTES ...

       Finally, some sound bites for that spot of late-night or weekend
       listening.  No comedy - again, it's all more of a philosophical
       bent.  First one is an interesting take on the USA's attempts at
       imposing democracy on various countries, especially the Middle East.
       From Counterpoint on Oz Radio National, last Monday, May 23rd -
       Click here   Or if for some reason you can't listen from there,

       here's an MP3 (4Mb):  Democracy - how?  Click here

       Then there was this interesting discussion re Science in Oz - again
       on Radio National, via "Big Ideas".  The comment that got me was: "It
       used to said we in Oz are good at Science, but bad at commercialising
       it. This is no longer true!  Now we're no good at Science ..."

       Look for Sunday 22 May 2005 in Big Ideas (The Alfred Deakin Innovation
       Lectures 2005: Lecture Three, Designing a Future or Tempting Fate) on
       the ABC site - Click here - or if you don't want your PC stuffed by the

       RealAudio virus .. err.. player, here's an open standards MP3 version:

Science research in Oz in the 21st Century (12Mb MP3): Click here

       Finally, "Synapses and the Self" - the 2nd in the amazing series on
       the workings of the human brain as presented by Professor Vilayanur
       S. Ramachandran, Director of the Centre for Brain and Cognition at the
       University of California (San Diego).  You can listen to these direct
       via the BBC web site if you're daring enough to install RealAudio -
       then just go to the BBC site - Click here  Otherwise, here's an

       open-standards MP3 (or OGG) copy:

The Brain, part 2 - "Synapses and the Self" (13 Mb MP3): Click here
or the better quality (and slightly smaller) OGG version (12.5Mb): Click here
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       Phew!  Okay - a bit more written stuff now, and it's back over to the
       ol' continent of Africa now and this one from Eric in his tree:
                             ---------------------------

                                WOMEN IN LEATHER

Why do men's hearts beat quicker,
go weak in the knees,
get dry throats and think irrationally,
when a woman wears leather clothing?

Hmmmm ... ???


   *

    *

     *

      *

       *

        *

         *

          *

           *

            *

             *

              *

               *

                *

                 *

                  *

                   *

                    *

                     *

                      *

                       *

                        *

                         *

                        *

                   *

             *

BECAUSE SHE SMELLS LIKE A NEW TRUCK!
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        And lastly of awley, yet another contribution from Burnout re ...
                             ---------------------------

                                     BANANAS

This is interesting.  After reading this, you may never look at a banana
in the same way again. Bananas containing three natural sugars - sucrose,
fructose and glucose combined with fibre.  A banana gives an instant,
sustained and substantial boost of energy.

Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a
strenuous 90-minute workout.  No wonder the banana is the number one fruit
with the world's leading athletes.

But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also
help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions,
making it "a must" to add to our daily diet.

Depression:

According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from
depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because
bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into
serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make
you feel happier.

PMS:
Forget the pills - eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood
glucose levels, which can affect your mood.

Amenia:
High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of haemoglobin in the
blood and so helps in cases of amenia.  Blood Pressure: This unique tropical
fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it the perfect
to beat blood pressure. So much so that the US Food and Drug Administration
has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit's
ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke

Brain Power:
200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school were helped through their
exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to
boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit
can assist learning by making pupils more alert.

Constipation:
Being high in fibre, including bananas in your diet can help restore normal
bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.

Hangovers:
One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake
sweetened with honey. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the
honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and
re-hydrates your system.

Heartburn:
Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from
heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.

Morning Sickness:
Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and
avoid morning sickness.

Mosquito bites:
Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area
with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful
at reducing swelling and irritation.

Nerves:
Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.  Overweight
and stressed at work?  Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria
found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and
crisps.  Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese
were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to
avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels
by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady

Ulcers:
The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of
its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten
without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity
and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.

Temperature control:
Many other cultures see bananas as a "cooling" fruit that can lower both the
physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand, for
example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool
temperature.


Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD):
Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer
tryptophan.

Smoking:
Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they
contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body
recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.

Stress:
Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends
oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water balance. When we are
stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels.
These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack.

Strokes:
According to research in "The New England Journal of Medicine, "eating
bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as
much as 40%"

Warts:
Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a wart,
take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow side
out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape.

So a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills.  When you compare it
to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrate, three
times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other
vitamins and minerals.  It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best
value foods around. So maybe its time to change that well-known phrase so
that we say, "A banana a day keeps the doctor away?"

Bananas must be the reason monkeys are so happy all the time!
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[ End Friday humour ]


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