Friday humour - May 20, 2005

     From Davo at bluehaze:


Welcome to John Howard's Australia!


An Australian citizen of 17 years (Vivian Alvarez Young, 38) is hospitalised
after suffering serious injuries in what seems to have been a car accident.

She also is suffering with mental illness and finds it difficult to identify
herself - yet at different times she gives her maiden and family names.

She is coloured - born in the Philippines.

The immigration department has no care of how this woman came to Australia
and decides to deport her to the Philippines.

They advise her voluntary carers that she'll go to the care of the Sisters
of Mother Teresa.

Her carers say that she is suffering frequent body tremors and is in no
condition to travel.

The immigration department wheels her to Brisbane Airport and deports
her anyway.


The immigration department realises that it has made a mistake and deported
an Australian citizen.

Does it announce it?  No.  Does it look for her?  No.

The Immigration and Foreign Affairs Ministers now both say they were never
told.  (Haven't we been here before?)


News gets out that an innocent Australian was mistakenly deported four
years ago. Several days later her name becomes apparent to the media.
The immigration department doesn't know where she went and can't track
her down.

The Immigration Minister refuses to circulate the poor woman's photo for
privacy reasons.  The ABC televises her photo anyway on its satellite service
and she is identified within hours - at a home for the neglected and dying
run by the Sisters of Mother Teresa.

The Minister and the PM express deep regret - but refuse to apologies.
It might be taken as an admission of guilt and infer compensation may be
justified.  The Minister though generously says that the woman can return
to Australia if she wishes.

Why is nobody in the immigration department admonished or sacked?

Why is there no need for a royal commission?

Why doesn't the Minister fall on her own sword?

What ever happened to the Westminster system in John Howard's Australia?

Be alert and alarmed.  You might be relaxed in thinking that this would never
happen to you or yours because "you look like one of Mr Howard's Australians".
Tell that to Cornelia Rau who was incarcerated for 10 months and ended up
behind barbed wire at the Baxter Detention Centre with no medical care.
And she was white ...

For those who enjoy a challenge, here are three interesting games sent in by
Paul F, Sister Carol, and German George - Click here Click here Click here

More silly stuff to occupy the idle mind later from Riz ... in the pics

And now to the jokes ...


This one from yours truly

                                  JUST BUSHED

The Presidency of George W Bush saw some of the most defining moments in
contemporary history. One would expect him to have gone down in quotations
books on subjects like war and the economy. Surprisingly, what George W Bush
is most quoted for is his famous slip-of-the-tongue. This page is a top 10
list of George Bush quotes, or Bushisms as they are popularly called.

1) We need an energy bill that encourages consumption.

2) When Iraq is liberated, you will be treated, tried, and persecuted as a
war criminal.

3) Sometimes, Washington is one of these towns where the person - people
who think they've got the sharp elbow is the most effective person.

4) I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I
wasn't here.

5) I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and
what I believe - I believe what I believe is right.

6) For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And,
folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're
going to do something about it.

7) It's very important for folks to understand that when there's more trade,
there's more commerce.

8) You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy

9) Redefining the role of the United States from enablers to keep the peace
to enablers to keep the peace from peacekeepers is going to be an assignment.

10) Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature
because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods.


A digi quickie from Maria

                                    NOT IN

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that She is staying home
because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today."


  This weeks pics are from Burnout, IsK, Nike Steve, UK Smithy, Prue, Alnutts,
  Sister Carol, Rowan Davo, Gropwo, Trina, Irene P, Tanberg and Golding from
  The Age, and Leahy from the Courier-Mail.

Firstly from Riz: Hi - came across these during the week and they cracked me
up - thought the list would enjoy them: Store Wars Click here -

or just go to the actual site itself - Click here

And ... create your own South Park alter ego!  Click here
(I've attached mine ... frighteningly realistic ;*)) Click here
cheers, Riz

                                 - - - - - -

From Vinae in Oregon: MT. St. Helens, which sits about 30 miles from our
house as the crow flies, continues to spew ash, while it is forming a lava
dome in the crater and still having minor tremors.  Here, in this sunrise
shot, she appears to be blowing smoke rings (and anything so benign is
welcomed, given recent history.)  What forms the "smoke rings" is the air
flowing over the mountain getting pushed up higher as it goes up and over
the top.  The moisture content and initial temperature are just right so
that the moisture condenses from a vapor to small particles at the higher
altitude.  When the moving air moves past the peak and comes down again,
the particles evaporate back to an invisible vapor.  The two "pancakes"
describe that there are two layers of air for which this is happening, thus
making this awesome picture possible.  Picture by Brent and Jan LeBaron:
 Click here

                                 - - - - - -

From Prue: Ok here's the next one, this time a sign at the museum in Tai Yuan
- the museum wasn't decked out with much (except a tacky gift shop with some
ORINIGAL HAND PAINTED SILK - (spelling taken from the packet it was being sold
in along with the "Beijing printing fac." lable)  but it did have PHOTOCOPY
of some coins which should have been part of it's collection, but which were
inexplicably absent. China's OHS regulations are about as good as Taiyuans
coin collection - they should be in place, you pay to see them, but for some
reason they're inexplicable absent. Coming from a family of CFA firey's I had
to giggle at their extinguishes.  (p.s I know where the send button is now)
 Click here

I had troubles attaching this to my hotmail email (it does what it pleases
really, I just pretend to navigate!!!) It's one of the many signs I laughed
at in China. This one happens to appear in the Beijing Forbidden city,
I've written the english to the sign above as the writing on the picture
is unreadable on my computer. As you can see, I think it was erected just
a little too late!  I have another pic to send across, however I'll have
to send them in different emails (am I painting the picture of a computer
illiterate chick, a minority of my technology generation - coz thats exactly
what I am! :-)) Click here

A Media Watch submission from Imogene in the UK: Just to point out, it
case you weren't aware, the very last picture in the Irish car recovery
pps is a fake.  Note the positions and stance of people in picture #5,
specificly the guy in the white top, the woman in light brown pants
(right) and the ripples in the water - compare with the last pic ...
 Click here

More from IsK:
Tomorrow is the official "Slap Your Irritating Co-workers" holiday.

Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your
last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't give a damn about?
Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you?
Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty, you can look in their
mouth and see what your boss had for lunch?  Do you have a co-worker who is
SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it?

Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce
tomorrow as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY! There are the rules you must
* You can only slap one person per hour - no more.
* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the
  same day.
* You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns
  slapping the irritant.
* No weapons are allowed, other than going upside somebody's head with a
  stapler or a hole-puncher.
* CURSING IS MANDATORY! After you have slapped the recipient, your "assault"
  must be followed with something like "cause I'm sick of your stupid-ass
  always messing up stuff!"
* If questioned by a supervisor [or police, if the supervisor is the irritant],
you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE! Now, study the rules, break out your list of
folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping -
and have a great day Click here

Fascinating clock Click here

Gates vs Flatley fight night (MPEG movie): Click here

Comic assortment Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Africa Click here

Think big Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Customised beetles (X-rated :-) Click here

Hot curry house Click here

Pope loo Click here

Fix it kit Click here

Full house Click here

In the news Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Video phone (M$ wmv movie) Click here

Luck in love (M$ Powerpoint slide show) Click here

Don't park there (M$ Powerpoint slide show) Click here

Thriller (M$ wmv movie) Click here

Something to go nuts for (MPEG movie) Click here

Flying high (M$ wmv movie) Click here

Splash (MPEG movie) Click here

Ladysitters (M$ wmv movie) Click here

Sexy car (M$ wmv movie) Click here


                              SHIT HAPPENS

A builder and a priest are out for a game of golf one afternoon. Unfortunately
the builder wasn't very good at the game and every time he missed a shot
would shout 'Shit, missed'.

The game went on and after several outbursts from the builder; the priest
could hold his tongue no longer. "Don't swear like that" he told his friend,
"or God will punish you". The builder apologized and the game continued.

As soon as he missed another shot the builder shouted "Shit, missed." and
continued to do this every time he missed a shot for the next three holes. The
priest was starting to get really angry by now and said "I must insist that
you stop swearing this instant, otherwise God will hear you and punish you!"

Once again, his pleas made no difference as the builder missed an easy putt
on the seventeenth green and shouted out "$hit, missed". Immediately the
heavens parted and a bolt of lightning flew from the sky, hitting the priest
and killing him stone dead.

Suddenly, a booming voice was heard in the clouds, "Shit, missed!"


    A Burnout quickie


Just wanted you to know

I have entered the snapdragon part of my life.

Part of me has snapped...........

And the rest of me is draggin'.....


More from Sherwood Forest

                                 MARITAL ADVICE

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her
husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too
many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my
GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful
... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're
cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know
you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't
know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when
I'm driving with you in the damn car.

We all have a purpose in life....


These from Fosters John over at CUB

                         BEWARE OF THE GUIDE DOG

"We will not have him put down. Lucky is basically a damn good guide dog,"
Ernst Gerber, a dog trainer from Wuppertal told reporters. "He just needs a
little brush-up on some elementary skills, that's all." Gerber admitted to
the press conference that Lucky, a German shepherd guide-dog for the blind,
had so far been responsible for the deaths of all four of his previous owners.

"I admit it's not an impressive record on paper. He led his first owner in
front of a bus, and the second off the end of a pier. He actually pushed his
third owner off a railway platform just as the Cologne to Frankfurt express
was approaching and he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, before
abandoning him and running away to safety. But, apart from epileptic fits,
he has a lovely temperament. And guide dogs are difficult to train these days."

Asked if Lucky's fifth owner would be told about his previous record, Gerber
replied: "No. It would make them nervous, and would make Lucky nervous. And
when Lucky gets nervous he's liable to do something silly."


                              RETIRED RAILWAYMAN

When Lenny retired from the railway after 50 years' service, the company
presented him with an old coach to keep in his garden as a memento. One wet
day, his friends found him sitting on the step of the coach, smoking his
pipe with an old sack over his shoulders to keep out the rain.

"Hullo, Lenny," said his pals, "why are ye no' inside on a day like this?"

"Can ye no' see," replied Lenny, with a nod toward the coach. "They sent me
a non-smoker!"



  "Ms Young's case is a very, very, very regrettable situation.

   There's a woman who was clearly in need of help and who through, I think
   it's fair to say, no fault of her own, ended up in an immigration detention
   facility and clearly didn't have the capacity to explain to people who
   she was. And that is a tragic situation,"

                - Amanda Vanstone, the Australian Minister for Immigration


[ End Fri humour ]

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