Friday humour - May 13, 2005


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

             Gidday,
      We seem to be going through yet another cycle of rubbish emails over
      the past month or two, asking us to update our Ebay or bank details,
      or telling us that "this or that" email that we sent to joe.blog@x.com
      has bounced.  I wonder why they've sprung up again?  Maybe things are
      just back to normal following a bit of a quiet period?  Or maybe our
      filters need upgrading ... who knows?  Anyway, just ignore 'em all
      as usual.  Or, if you think one might actually be genuine, you can
      always ring them up to make sure.
                                    - - - - -

      I continue to be amazed by this incredible saga with Schapelle Corby.
      For those of you outside Oz, she's a Queensland girl who flew off on a
      little holiday to tropical Bali last October to visit her sister and
      then discovered 4Kg of marijuana in her unsealed bodyboard bag when she
      arrived at customs in Indonesia.  She swears she knows nothing about it -
      and there seems little doubt that this is true.  It's almost certain
      that someone in the baggage-handling area of Brisbane airport planted
      it there for an arranged pick-up at Sydney airport.  After all, who
      would take drugs from Australia to Indonesia when the price in the
      latter country is so much lower?  Yet Schapelle now faces a possible
      life prison sentence (yes, LIFE!) in an Indonesian jail.  (For the latest
      Age article at the time of writing - Click here )


      Of course we're now being assured by various airport people that "it's
      always been possible to have your baggage shrink-wrapped to keep it
      tamper-proof and water-tight."  Err - yeh?  It's the first I've ever
      heard of it - never been advertised that I'm aware of.

      Just consider the situation: this could be YOUR sister or cousin or
      daughter or whatever.  And as far as I can see, apart from some quite
      generous financial assistance from businessman Ron Bakir, this whole
      legal debacle is continuing on with almost no hard pressure from the
      Oz Government to get her out of there.  My only feeling is - perhaps
      cynically - would this be happening if Schapelle was a member of the
      Packer family, or (heaven forbid) a cousin of George Bush?  Does anyone
      seriously imagine that it would have gone this far?

      We're still awaiting the verdict on May 27, so perhaps the less said
      the better, but I wonder if any of you are still thinking of going off
      to tropical Bali for that wonderful little holiday now, hmmmm ...?
                               ----------------------

      Hey - some people are still attacking the infamous Crimson Room puzzle.
      Trevor (Cape Town) says: "Whoo hoo. Finally managed to do the crimson
      room. Just needed the 1994 reference. Does that mean a lot more people
      are joining the list?"  (This is the list of 4000 or so worldwide who
      have solved it.)  If you missed this, look for the first pic from Trina
      about half way down in the April 22 FH - Click here
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------

       First humour contribution this week is this quickie from Maria:
                               ----------------------

   Nominated as the best short joke this year ...

A  three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     And a few from Maayan in South Africa (she's currently in Johannesburg).
     Maayan used to hang out with another FH contributor (Trevor) and she
     recalled "When Trev and I were (unwelcome?) guests at a friend's house,
     we were sitting in the lounge with his parents the one night and I was
     doing a crossword, quite stoned. I was reading half of the definitions
     aloud, and one of them was "leisure activity". I think the parents
     were quite shocked when the first thing that popped to my mind was
     "procreational"... A Freudian slip at its best!"  To the jokes:
                               ----------------------

One day a portuguese mother walks past her little boy's room and sees him
masturbating.  She is very concerned about little Louis, so she decides to
have a little talk with him later.

"Louis, you know that thing you were doing in your bedroom earlier?"

"Yes, mum"

"Well, you should keep it for when you're married."

"Sure, mum" replies little Louis.

A couple of days later the concerned mother decides to check up on her son.

"Louis, you know that thing we were talking about the other day?"

"Yes mum"

"Well, how is it going?"

"It's going great mum, I already saved almost a litre!"

                           ----====#===#===#====----

Three tampons walk in the street; a mini, a normal and a maxi.  Which one
says hello first?

None! They're all stuck up cunts!

                           ----====#===#===#====----

    "Hey Tony,
      I'm having a really bad day (and a bit of a craving), so tried to
      cheer myself up with some of my own composing. (If I can't get the
      real thing ...)"
      Yep - this is a Maayan original - a Friday humour exclusive:
                               ----------------------

                  10 WAYS TO KNOW YOU HAVE A COKE PROBLEM

1.  You always have "allergies", regardless to the pollen count.

2.  You closely inspect anything that comes in a white powder form.

3.  Coca-Cola commercials excite you.

4.  All the notes in your wallet are rolled into tubes.

5.  Drinking the whole weekend without any sleep is easy.

6.  CD covers are no longer things that hold CD's in them.

7.  The phrase "pick-me-up" has a whole new meaning.

8.  Any amount of money is measured in grams.

9.  "Food" is now a foreign word to you.

10. The cocoa plant is all of a sudden interesting. (And all those childhood
    years of drinking hot chocolate ... whoo whoo!)
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Okay - across the world now to the good ol' USA and a couple of quick
        ones from Vinae in Oregon:
                               ----------------------


"Good afternoon, my good barkeep, a pint of Less if you please," said the
old man as he entered the tavern.

"Less? Never heard of it," replied the barman.

"Oh, come now - surely you have," he persisted.

"No, sorry, we certainly don't stock it. What is it anyway? Some foreign beer?"

"Well I'm not sure," admitted the man. "It was my doctor who mentioned it. He
said I should drink less."

                           ----====#===#===#====----

It was the beginning of term at a primary school in Brooklyn.  The teacher
asked the children their names one at a time, and for each to spell their name
out loud. When she came to a young boy and asked his name, the boy replied,
"Ravashanka Vankatarataam Bannerjee" he replied.

"How do you spell that? asked the teacher.

"My mother helps me" said the little boy.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       And just before this weeks pics and clips, a long but very funny story
       as just passed on by a fairly new FH contributor, Burnout.  Not too
       many jokes have me laughing out loud, but this one certainly did.
       Take your time and read it in its entirety if you can:
                               ----------------------

          A PLEA FOR HELP FROM A GROUNDED AUSTRALIAN TO HIS FRIEND "BJ"

   Hi Mate,

I am writing to you, because I need your help to get me bloody pilots licence
back (you keep telling me you got all the right contacts, well now's your
chance to make something happen for me because, mate, I'm bloody desperate).

But first, I'd better tell you what happened during my last flight review
with the CAA Examiner.  On the phone, Ron (that's the CAA d**khead) seemed
a reasonable sort of bloke. He politely reminded me of the need to do a
flight review every two years. He even offered to drive out, have look over
my property and let me operate from my own strip. Naturally I agreed to that.

Anyway, Ron turned up last Wednesday.  First up, he said he was a bit
surprised to see the plane on a small strip outside my homestead because the
ALA (Authorized Landing Area) is about a mile away. I explained that because
this strip was so close to the homestead, it was more convenient than that
strip, despite the power lines crossing about midway down the strip (it's
really not a problem to land and take-off because at the half-way point down
the strip, you're usually still on the ground).

For some reason Ron seemed nervous. So, although I had done the pre-flight
inspection only four days earlier, I decided to do it all over again. Because
the p***k was watching me carefully, I walked around the plane three times
instead of my usual two.

My effort was rewarded because the colour finally returned to Ron's cheeks
- in fact they went a bright red. In view of Ron's obviously better mood,
I told him I was going to combine the test flight with farm work, as I had
to deliver three poddy calves from the home paddock to the main herd.

After a bit of a chase, I finally caught the calves and threw them into the
back of the ol' Cessna 172. We climbed aboard but Ron started getting' into
me about weight and balance calculations and all that crap. Of course I knew
that sort of thing was a waste of time because calves like to move around
a bit - particularly when they see themselves 500 feet off the ground.  So
it's bloody pointless trying to secure them, as you know.  However, I did tell
Ron that he shouldn't worry as I always keep the trim wheel set on neutral
to ensure we remain pretty stable at all stages throughout the flight.

Anyway, I started the engine and cleverly minimised the warm-up time by
tramping hard on the brakes and gunning her to 2,500rpm.  I then discovered
that Ron has very acute hearing, even though he was wearing a bloody
headset. Through all that noise he detected a metallic rattle and demanded
I account for it.  Actually it began about a month ago and was caused by
a screwdriver that fell down a hole in the floor and lodged in the fuel
selector mechanism. The selector can't be moved now, but it doesn't matter
because it's jammed on 'All tanks', so I suppose that's OK.

However, as Ron was obviously a real nit-picker, I blamed the noise on
vibration from a stainless steel thermos flask which I keep in a beaut little
possie between the windshield and the magnetic compass. My explanation seemed
to relax Ron because he slumped back in the seat and kept looking up at the
cockpit roof. I released the brakes to taxi out but unfortunately the plane
gave a leap and spun to the right.

"Hell" I thought, "not the starboard wheel chock again". The bump jolted
Ron back to full alertness.  He looked wildly around just in time to see a
rock thrown by the propwash disappear completely through the windscreen of
his brand new Commodore. "Now I'm really in trouble", I thought.

While Ron was busy ranting about his car, I ignored his requirement that we
taxi to the ALA and instead took off under the power lines.  Ron didn't say
a word - at least, not until the engine started coughing right at the lift
off point, then he bloody screamed his head off ... "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!"

"Take it easy, Ron" I told him firmly, "that often happens on take-off and
there is a good reason for it." I explained patiently that I usually run
the plane on standard MOGAS, but one day I accidentally put in a gallon
or two of kerosene. To compensate for the low octane of the kerosene, I
siphoned in a few gallons off super MOGAS and shook the wings up and down
a few times to mix it up. Since then, the engine has been coughing a bit
but in general it worku just fine - if you know how to coax it properly.

Anyway, at this stage Ron seemed to lose all interest in my flight test.
He pulled out some rosary beads, closed his eyes and became lost in prayer
(I didn't think anyone was a Catholic these days). I selected some nice
music on the HF radio to help him relax.

Meanwhile I climbed to my normal cruising altitude of 10,500 feet (I don't
normally put in a flight plan or get the weather because as you know getting
Fax access out here is a f#*% joke and the bloody weather is always 8/8
blue anyway. But since I had that near miss with a Saab 340, I might have
to change me thinking).  Anyhow, on levelling out, I noticed some wild camels
heading into my improved pasture.  Now I hate camels, and I always carry a
loaded .303 clipped inside the door of the Cessna - just in case I see any of
the bastards.

We were too high to hit them, but as a matter of principle, I decided to
have a go through the open window. Mate, when I pulled the bloody rifle out,
the effect on Ron was friggin' electric. As I fired the first shot, his neck
lengthened by about six inches and his eyes bulged like a rabbit with myxo. He
really looked as if he had been jabbed with an electric cattle prod on full
power. In fact, Ron's reaction was so distracting that I lost concentration for
a second and the next shot went straight through the port tyre. Ron was a bit
upset about the shooting (probably one of those pinko animal lovers I guess)
so I decided not to tell him about our little problem with the tyre. Shortly
afterwards, I located the main herd and decided to do my fighter pilot trick.

Ron had gone back to praying when, in one smooth sequence, I pulled on full
flap, cut the power and started a sideslip from 10,500 feet down to 500 feet
at 130 knots indicated (the last time I looked anyway) and the little needle
rushing up to the red area on me ASI.  What a buzz, mate!  About half way
through the descent I looked back in the cabin to see the calves gracefully
suspended in mid air and mooing like crazy. I was going to comment on this
unusual sight but Ron looked a bit green and had rolled himself into the
foetal position and was screamin' his f*&%# head off.  Mate, talk about being
in a bloody zoo.  You should've been there, it was so bloody funny!

At about 500 feet I levelled out, but for some reason we continued sinking.
When we reached 50 feet I applied full power but nothin' happened; no noise
no nothin'. Then, luckily, I heard me instructor's voice in me head saying
"carby heat, carby heat", so I pulled carby heat on and that helped quite
a lot, with the engine finally regaining full power.  Whew, that was really
close, let me tell you!

Then mate, you'll never guess what happened next! As luck would have it,
at that height we flew into a massive dust cloud caused by the cattle and
suddenly went I.F. bloody R, mate.  BJ, you would've been bloody proud of me
as I didn't panic once, not once, but I did make a mental note to consider
an instrument rating as soon as me gyro is repaired (something I've been
meaning to do for a while now).

Suddenly Ron's elongated neck and bulging eyes reappeared.  His mouth opened
wide, very wide, but no sound emerged.  "Take it easy," I told him. "we'll
be out of this in a minute."  Sure enough, about a minute later we emerge;
still straight and level and still at 50 feet.  Admittedly I was surprised to
notice that we were upside down, and I kept thinking to myself, "I hope Ron
didn't notice that I had forgotten to set the QNH when we were taxiing". This
minor tribulation forced me to fly to a nearby valley in which I had to do
a half roll to get upright again.

By now the main herd had divided into two groups leaving a narrow strip between
them.  "Ah!," I thought, "there's an omen. We'll land right there."  Knowing
that the tyre problem demanded a slow approach, I flew a couple of steep
turns with full flap.  Soon the stall warning horn was blaring so loud in
me ear that I cut its circuit breaker to shut it up, but by then I knew we
were slow enough anyway.  I turned steeply onto a 75 foot final and put her
down with a real thud.  Strangely enough, I had always thought you could only
ground loop in a tail dragger but, as usual, I was proved wrong again!

Halfway through our third loop Ron at last recovered his sense of humour.  Talk
about laugh.  I've never seen the likes of it; he couldn't stop.  We finally
rolled to a halt and I released the calves, who bolted out of the aircraft like
there was no tomorrow.   I then began picking clumps of dry grass.  Between gut
wrenching fits of laughter Ron asked what I was doing.  I explained that we had
to stuff the port tyre with grass so we could fly back to the homestead.  It
was then that Ron really lost the plot and started running away from the
aircraft.  Can you believe it?  The last time I saw him he was off into the
distance, arms flailing in the air and still shrieking with laughter.  I later
heard that he had been confined to a psychiatric institution - poor barstard!

Anyhow, mate, that's enough about Ron. The problem is I just got a letter from
CASA withdrawing, as they put it, my privileges to fly; until I have undergone
a complete pilot training course again and undertaken another flight
proficiency test.

Now I admit that I made a mistake in taxiing over the wheel chock and not
setting the QNH using strip elevation, but I can't see what else I did that
was so bloody bad that they have to withdraw me flamin' licence, can you?

  Don Joyce

      An Army Aviator's Scrapbook - The Aerie;
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

       Okay - to da pics, and first up, a Maria collection:

Beautiful scenery (Micro$oft Powerpoint) Click here
Come blow that horn (err ... why are their kneecaps black?): Click here
 Click here Click here
Another bumper-sticker collection: Click here
Turn it off: Click here
Mouse pads: Click here
Sign: Click here
On course: Click here
New men's swimwear: Click here
                               ----------------------

      Chris over at Lands, NSW, sent this ("Oooh, I need this on a Monday"):

Compliments: Click here
                               ----------------------

        And Hollywood Len posted these over:

Art Deco: Click here Click here
George and Vlad: Click here
Crunchy: Click here
Keep off ... Click here
Lobsters: Click here
                               ----------------------

           Arrr, what the heck - one from Brett the Valentine person:

Harley his and hers (Micro$oft Powerpoint) Click here
                               ----------------------

        And a collection from Eric in Africa from his broken tree:

In the mood: Click here
Lone Ranger - spammed: Click here
Water Skiing (Micro$oft WMV movie): Click here
Some Dilberts: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
                               ----------------------

      And just to frustrate you all, this puzzle from the Kaiser, who says -
      "Now this one isn't as hard as some I've come across, but it was a
      good little diversion" ...
The TELEPHONE: Click here
                               ----------------------

      Plus another classic little animation from our Moonboot:

Chup Chups (AVI Movie - BIG): Click here
                               ----------------------

      And a few from Burnout ...

A trip up to the headwaters of the Condamine River (some Oz country pics):
 Click here Click here
Every woman wants one of these in her kitchen: Click here
Interesting satellite maps from Google (although where's Oz??): Click here
                               ----------------------

      From Digi Steve and GROPWO, this ad for Blaupunkt sound:
(Movie): Click here
                               ----------------------

      Maria and Steve found this attempt at ...

A romantic dinner (Movie) Click here
                               ----------------------

      And from Digi Steve himself - "This is for real!  Its not a joke!
      AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!" ...
Ultimate health supplement: Click here
                               ----------------------

      John at DET up in Sydney sent these little move clips over:

Careful when you do a loop (M$ WMV movie): Click here
Directions (M$ WMV movie): Click here
                               ----------------------

      And this is another collection from the M&M (aka Mandie) ...

The very latest pencil holder design in Iraq shops (Duh) Click here
Plus some really great event ideas for the next Olympic Games: Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here
                               ----------------------

      Rosalie posted this one over - "Something for those who have plenty
      of time on their hands" - it's another very clever "game" ... but
      with some Physics ...

Sodaplay: Click here
                               ----------------------

      Back to the UK for a tick and these from the Castle Hill mob:

Let's laugh (MPG Movies): Click here Click here Click here
                               ----------------------

      Rosie, our daughter, found this one - we've had the first few pics once
      before, but I hadn't seen the last two ...

Irish car recovery: Click here
                               ----------------------

      And yet another from Maayan (who's still trying to ignore Trevor by
      hanging out in Johannesburg - with rather limited success, hmmmm?):

More signs strange but true: Click here
                               ----------------------

      And from the long-lost Mad Mick over in East Cheam (UK), who'd just
      about given up trying to post stuff to Bluehaze because it rejects
      anything with the word "Microsoft" in its Subject line, we just
      received this ...

The missing wife: Click here
                               ----------------------

      Stevo and I concocted this last one last Monday (Lachlan take note):

The missing gnomes have been found! Click here

 [ Hey, BTW - Lachlan - we want a link to this ... :-) ]
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Okay - back to the world of the written word now, and once again it's
      time to rock over to bottling line B1 for some contributions from John
      the Klimek:
                               ----------------------


                                    CIRCUS WORK

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.  One is
a good looking, older retired Marine in his mid-sixties and the other is a
gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one
ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're
history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try
out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the
gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half
way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts
licking her; feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body
for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor.  He says "I've never seen a display
like that in my life."

He then turns to the retired Marine and asks, "Can you top that?"

The old Marine replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

                           ----====#===#===#====----

                     HEAVENLY WOS (GROPWO would love this)

A crusty old General died and found himself standing before Saint Peter
at the pearly gates.

Peter welcomed him warmly.  "Come right in, General! You've served your
country well and you may enter Heaven!"

The General looked through the gates and stepped up to Saint Peter, "Just
one thing, sonny. I hope there are no bloody Warrant Officers here. They
are the rudest, most obnoxious variety of human being ever, and if there
are any of them here, I'm not going in; I'd rather go to the other place."

"Don't worry, General," said Saint Peter. "No Warrant Officer has ever made
it into Heaven. You'll find none of 'em here."

With that the General enters into Heaven.  Moments later, he comes upon an
amazing sight. It is a swaggering figure in full ceremonial's, cap cocked
slightly on his head, a mostly empty bottle of Bundy OP in one hand, and a
beautiful woman on either arm.  Incensed, the General rushed back to Saint
Peter and bails him up.  "Hey! You said there were no Warrant Officers here!
So what the hell is THAT?!?"

"Don't worry, General," says Saint Peter gently. "That's God. He just THINKS
he's a Warrant Officer."

                           ----====#===#===#====----

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you;
The next day I stopped smoking.

Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you;
The next day I stopped eating red meat..

Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you;
The next day I stopped drinking.

Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you.
This morning I stopped reading

                           ----====#===#===#====----

I was asked to do a marathon,  I said, "Pi_s off".

They said "Arr, COME ON!  It's for spastics and blind kids."

I thought, "Fu_k it, I could win this!"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


          And talking of GROPWO, well - he just posted these over ...
                               ----------------------

     Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was
     probably the greatest political sage the USA has ever known.  Enjoy:


Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in
your pocket.

There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading.  The few who
learn by observation.  The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence
and find out for themselves.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to
make sure it's still there.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.  The moral: When you're
full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

                           ----====#===#===#====----


                              ABOUT GROWING OLDER

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your
age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers.  Not me, I want people
to know "why" I look this way.  I've traveled a long way and some of the
roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is
such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was
called witchcraft.  Today it's called golf.

And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything
to laugh at when you are old.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Over to the UK again now and this one from the Castle Hill Books mob:
                               ----------------------

                                CONFUCIOUS SAY

* When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let
  her keep him.

* A man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

* Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with
  a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the
  opposite sex.

* Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A
  blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it
  overloaded and only the wife and nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So
  the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

  After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of
  the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't
  you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is
  driving me crazy."

  The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR
  stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


             And next, one from our Canada correspondent - Muse ...
                               ----------------------

                                      SIGNS

Friends don't let friends take home ugly men
 - Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

Beauty is only a light switch away.
 - Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
 - Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC

Remember, it's not "How high are you?"  It's "Hi, how are you?"
 - Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
 - The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up
with her shit.
 - Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
 - Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
 - Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ

Make love, not war.  Hell, do both - GET MARRIED!
 - Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
 - Revolution Books, New York.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
 - Men's restroom, House of Representatives, Washington, DC

Express Lane: Five beers or less
 - Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ

You're too good for him.
 - Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA .

No wonder you always go home alone.
 - Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

      My favorite, and most realistic  one ~~~

A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tyres or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
 - Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         And finally for this week, some more excellent stuff from Rosalie:
                               ----------------------

                    ENQUIRY OF THE WEEK: SALMON A LA DISHWASHER

      "Hi Ian and Tony,
        This was an article about an enquiry received by CSIRO - it still
        amazes me where people get such ideas from, and what CSIRO Enquiries
        have to deal with on a day to day basis :-)   For those of you
        who don't know, the general public can ask CSIRO questions via
        their hotline at CSIRO Enquiries.  Usually people have scientific
        questions and enquiries direct them to the appropriate expert, or
        other information sources.  Some people believe that enquiries has
        the answer to everything, and ask the weirdest things.

        An enquirer emailed us recently asking if we could advise whether it
        would be safe for her to follow a recipe she found on the internet.
        Following the web link she provided, we arrived at a site called
        The Salmons.org containing a rather unusual recipe ..."

                     HOW TO COOK SALMON IN THE DISHWASHER

Ingredients:

Salmon fillets
Aluminum foil
One lemon
A few butter pats
Electric dishwasher

Place the fish on two large sheets of aluminum foil. Squeeze on some lemon
juice and place the pats of butter on the salmon fillets. Seal the fillets
well in the foil, and place the foil packet in the top wire basket of your
electric dishwasher. DO NOT ADD SOAP OR DETERGENT. Close the dishwasher door,
set the dishwasher on the hottest wash cycle, complete with drying cycle,
and let it run through a full cycle. When the cycle is complete the fish
will be cooked just right."

Errr ... what's wrong with using an oven?  Click here

   CSIRO National Enquiries Centre
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                               THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The only sure things in life are death and taxes - but at least death doesn't
get worse every year.
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[ End Friday humour ]

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