Friday humour - May 06, 2005


     From Davo at bluehaze:

G'day

Well ... Australia has it's first hostage in Iraq.  It's strange how our
government will rise to the occasion for a wealthy speculator who freely
decides to make his fortune on the back of all the misery and suffering that
we've helped to create in Iraq.  Yet it has showed no duty of care to those
locked up and tortured at Guantanamo Bay - or the four Aussies separately
locked up in our Immigration detention centres - one of whom was actually
deported ... amazing.

And hot off the press, some more interesting websites from our Rosalie ...

The snake whisperer... Click here

For those who have not read the book, but want to know what everyone is on
about, here are 42 facts related to the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy and
some links for more info... Click here
eg:  If you type in, "what is the answer to life, the universe, and
everything?" (all lower case) into the Google calculator, you'll get the
answer, "42

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   First up from Trina en route to Noosa

                              THE THREE BEARS

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in her little chair at the table. She looks
into her little bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" she
squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into
his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells
" ... For Christ's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with
you idiots?

It was Mummy Bear who got up first, it was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the
house, it was Mummy Bear who made the coffee, it was Mummy Bear who unloaded
the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Mummy Bear
who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was
Mummy Bear who set the damn table, it was Mummy Bear who put the friggin
cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish,
and now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and
grace Mummy Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause
I'm only going to say this one more time...

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET!!!"

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       And from Ty

                           IN THAT CASE ...

   Tony, a Lebanese businessman, talks to his son:

Tony: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son: I will choose my own bride
Tony: But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter
Son: Well, in that case...

Next Tony approaches Bill Gates
Tony: I have a husband for your daughter.
Bill Gates: But my daughter is too young to marry
Tony: But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.
Bill Gates: Ah, in that case...

Finally Tony goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Tony: I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.
President: But I already have more vice-presidents than I need.
Tony: But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law.
President: Ah, in that case ...

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This was sent in my UK Chris, SOB

America
May 02, 2005

             BUSH HAS TO LAUGH AS FIRST LADY ACTS DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE

LAURA BUSH made fun of her husband's early bedtimes, cowboy image and
reputation as a reluctant student in a jaw-dropping comedic routine at a
gala dinner hosted by the media at the weekend.

A few minutes into President Bush's speech at the annual White House
correspondents' dinner, the First Lady stole the podium.

She drew rapturous applause by comparing herself and the wife of Dick Cheney,
the Vice-President, to the cast of Desperate Housewives, the hit television
sitcom set in an American suburb.

The President sat nearby on the stage, beaming and laughing along. "I said to
him the other day, 'George, if you really want to end tyranny in this world,
you're going to have to stay up later'," she said.

"Nine o'clock and Mr Excitement here is in bed, and I am watching Desperate
Housewives with Lynne Cheney."

Expanding her theme, she said that the two women had attended a Chippendales
show that had prompted the secret service to rename Mrs Cheney "dollar bill".

Just when her audience thought she had reached the edge of acceptable First
Lady humour, she turned to the President's ranching skills. "I'm proud of
George," she said. He had learnt a lot since he "tried to milk the horse"
after he had bought their home at Crawford, Texas. "What's worse," she said,
"it was a male horse."

In a reference to the hawkish image of Mr Bush, Mr Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld,
the Defence Secretary, she added: "George's answer to any problem at the
ranch is to cut it down with a chainsaw, which I think is why he and Cheney
and Rumsfeld get along so well."

Mrs Bush also made a reference to her husband's wilder youth. "I was a
librarian that spent 12 hours a day in the library," she said "Yet somehow
I met George."

Mrs Bush also took on her mother-in-law, Barbara Bush, comparing her to the
Mafia figure played by Marlon Brando in The Godfather. "People think she's
a sweet grandmotherly Aunt Bea type. She's actually more like Don Corleone."

Mrs Bush left her journalist audience wondering which speechwriter was
responsible for a script clearly designed to endear her husband to the media as
he fights for public approval for his increasingly unpopular domestic agenda.

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And this quickie from UK Beth, MOC

                                 MEN'S TOYS

Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel.

One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon
to the food and fire area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting
tired just watching.

Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had a great
idea! They could sit on top of the boulders and get a better view of their
wives working.

This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to
television ... and later to the remote control.

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      And another collection from Digi Maria

                              THE WISOM OF TWO EAGLES

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial
pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for
90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances You've seen
his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly
replied; "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes,
no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, Medicine
Man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the Chief leaned back and smiled ..... "Only white man dumb enough to
think he could improve system like that."


                               RIDDLES

If you have it, you want to share it.  If you share it, you don't have
it. What is it?

A secret.
                                 ----

The more you have of it, the less you see. What is it?

Darkness
                                 ----

What book was once owned by only the wealthy, but now everyone can have it?
You can't buy it in a bookstore or take it from a library.

A telephone book. 
                                 ----

What gets whiter the dirtier that it gets?

A chalkboard 
                                 ----

What happened in the middle of the twentieth century that will not happen
again for 4,000 years?

The year 1961 can be read upside down and that won't happen again until 6009!
                                 ----

What has no beginning, end, or middle?

A doughnut.
                                 ----

What has to be broken before it can be used?

An egg.
                                 ----

What does no man want, yet no man wants to lose?

Employment
                                 ----

How many bricks does it take to complete a building made of brick?

Only one, the last one.
                                 ----

What is everything to someone, and nothing to everyone else?

Your mind.
                                 ----


                               PORRIDGE

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live
a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his
oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and lived to the age of 110.

He left 4 children, 20 grand-children, 30 great- grandchildren, 10
great-great- grand-children and a fifty-foothole where the crematorium
used to be.

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    This one came from UK Smithy in Nottingham

                             GASTRONOMY AT THE ZOO

A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to
clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out
and bites him. To show the others who is boss he beats it to death with a
spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish
by feeding it to the lions, since lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by
the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade,
killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself,
because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American
Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade
and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them
in with the lions.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion
and says, "What's the food like here?"

The old lion says ...

"Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."

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   And from London Canada - this from Muse

                               DARBY AND JOAN

Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby
of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the
old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5, I'll have sex with you
right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised, but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa
over there.

Still no reply.

Finally he said, " For $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles,
and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

After a couple minutes, the little old lady starts digging down in her
purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room?" says the old man.

"Get serious", she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair".

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This weeks pics are from Moonboot, Kirsten the Penny, Trina, Tod from the
Navy, Chris from the Lands Dept, Digi Maria, UK Smithy, John Sando, Brett
Dude, Digi Steve, Allnutts at Highett, and Guru Ron.

 From Nike Steve: "This picture taken by a Kangaroos fan during the Little
 League game in Adelaide last Saturday" - Click here

 From Muse: "I was getting ready for work when I looked out the window and
saw the utility company starting to erect a pole in front of my house. They
were going to position it directly in front of my picture window.  No way,
absolutely no way was I going to permit this.

I gulped down my last bit of coffee and went directly to the crew supervisor
and told him in no uncertain terms that I was not going to permit his crew
to put that stupid electrical pole directly in front of my picture window.
He took out a map for pole locations and a right of way document and
explained that it is the best location for it. I told him it is not the
best location for me and when I came home from work that day I did not
want to find that pole in front of my window.  I told him I didn't give a
hoot where he put it but not in front of my window. I felt pretty smug as
I drove off to work because I felt I got my point across. I know darn well
they are afraid to put it there now.

Ahhhh ... the feeling of power..." Click here

  From AAPT Simon:
"To all my dearest friends,
I need some help.

My cousin's cat had kittens and he was able to give away all but 3 of
them. I told him I would help him find homes for the last 3. I can't take
one because my son is allergic but if three of you could take just one it
would be such a help and the kittens could have a nice home. Since he lives
up by the Bradwell Nuclear Power Plant, I'll go pick them up for you.

I've attached pictures of the last two kittens.
Will you help?  Click here Click here

Formerly blonde Click here

Snog Click here

Hitchhiker duck Click here

Horse hat Click here

Gigantic fall Click here

Standing ovation Click here

Hard day: Click here Click here

Gluttony Click here

Sweet animals - Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Drink up Click here

Praying sideways Click here

Pope Benedict Click here

Sexy cars - Click here Click here

Crumpled cars Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Spunky new notes - Click here Click here Click here

Dream vacation Click here

Anti-terror campaign Click here

Meet the groom (Micro$oft WMV movie): Click here

Bonfire (Micro$oft WMV movie): Click here

Oz (Micro$oft Powerpoint) Click here

Ultimate distraction (Micro$oft WMV movie): Click here

It's a goal (Movie) Click here

Lion hunt (Micro$oft WMV movie): Click here

Farting preachers (Micro$oft ASF movie): Click here

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    And something else from Moonboot

                                   SMART FART

What is the best thing to do when you are in an elevator with someone you
don't know and you let either a loud or really smelly fart?

As I have already mentioned (on the subject of nose-picking), "best" is a
very relative term when talking about body-function etiquette.

First, realize that if you fart on an elevator with strangers, you are already
compromised. Whatever dignity you have is lost, and cannot be reclaimed. Any
attempt to hold on to your dignity will only make you look foolish. Because
your dignity is irretrievable, I would therefore recommend gloating.

Take pride in your fart. Celebrate it. Rhapsodize it. Solicit feedback from
your fellow passengers. Did they think it was too loud? Was it a little too
pungent? Do they have any constructive criticism to offer? Do they think
its sound or scent might have been improved with a different sort of underwear?

Some people will actually discuss your fart with you. This will break the
tension, and render the remainder of your ride into a pleasant experience. I
have a friend who met his wife this way.

Most people, however, will not want to talk about your fart with you, and you
will have succeeded in making them even more uncomfortable than yourself. They
will squirm and avert their eyes. It may not be good etiquette to shift
discomfort from yourself to others, but it can sure make you feel better.

If you fart on elevators often enough to be this concerned about this issue,
however, this may be a digestive problem, or a sign that you're spending
far too much time on elevators. Consult a physician.

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Finally from Sir Douglas

                                  TIGHT FIT

On the day of the wedding, Camilla was getting dressed, surrounded by all
her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes.

Panic! Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from
her wedding so she lent them to Camilla for the day.

Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities
were over her feet were in agony. When she and Charles withdrew to their
room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard
roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional
muffled scream.

Eventually they heard Charles say 'God, that was tight.'

'There,' whispered The Queen. 'I told you with a face like that she had to
be a virgin!'

Then, to their surprise, they heard Charles say. 'Right. Now for the other
one.' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Charles said
'My God. That was even tighter!".

That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor!'

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Quotes of the Week:

  "People can disagree over Iraq, that is fair enough. But what has been put
   at risk is progressive politics, which is not just the measures of social
   justice we have taken as a government here, but also in relation to Africa
   and world poverty and other issues of immense importance to people."

       - Tony Blair (Labour)

  "You can help to build a brighter Britain by voting Conservative. Let us
   have a government that will stand up for Britain."

        - Michael Howard (Conservatives)

  "When the tide goes out for this prime minister and this Labour government
   there is now an increasing incredibility that the alternative to what we
   have had over the last eight years is the Conservative party. There is
   a great opportunity for the Liberal Democrats here and now - and there
   will be a great opportunity in another four years' time."

        - Charles Kennedy (Liberal Democrats)

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[ End Fri humour ]

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