Friday humour - April 22, 2005


     From Davo at bluehaze:


   G'day

Welcome to the thinking man's (and woman's) comedy weekly.  Like Fox News
Channel - this is a "no spin zone".

So the Liberal Government has finally apologised for a broken election promise.
Amazing!  Mind you ... no apology for not admitting they already knew what
they promised six months ago was unsustainable according to Treasury figures at
the time - nor the $20 million they spent of our money promoting what was
simply Liberal Party propaganda.  And no offer of the federal money originally
set aside for Melbourne's Eastlink project but withheld because the Victorian
government broke it's election promise and turned the freeway into a tollway.
Apparently that's different.  Why am I not surprised?

I don't really want to reveal this, but BEI (Bluehaze Enterprises Inc) is
perhaps not the monolithic rival to Rupert Murdoch that some of you may
imagine.  We had a fair bit of trouble today trying to get the pics into the
right place.  And then central control went down.  This has resulted in some
of the pics being held over for next week - and others may not work as I've
have to manually type in the filenames.  But rest assured all problems at
BEI have been rectified.  I've just got word from the Great Man ...  "Our old
'fridge out the back tripped the earth-leakage circuit breaker today and killed
Bluehaze for the afternoon.  But people are back home now, the 'fridge has been
disconnected, and the power's back on."

So the world as we knew it is back.  Praise the Lord!

While we're in the praising mode - what do Bluehaze readers think about
the appointment of a 78 year old gentleman as head of the Catholic Church?
Best response wins a Mars Bar (delivery included).

I have to admit that in recent weeks things have got far too complacent.
I haven't been abused or insulted for so long.  Are we doing everything right?
It's dead boring.  Sydney Bob - where are you?

Tony forwarded over this survey that several of you may like to do.  It's
regarding "podcasting" by ABC Radio National.  Intrigued???  Well read on ...

Audio downloading (also known as MP3 downloading, or podcasting) enables you
to download the latest version of a selected radio program or segment to your
own computer. This high quality audio can then be played directly from that
computer at your leisure, or downloaded again to a portable player such as
(but not only) an iPod.

The survey is only 24 questions and takes about 5 minutes to complete.  You can
also volunteer to participate in Radio National's forcoming trials.  So if you
like the idea of getting ABC programs off the web in high quality, Click here

And to exercise those little grey cells, try this challenge.  20 seconds is
considered a good ordinary score.  The challenge: Click here

  ~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~


    First up, something from Fosters John:

                            FINALLY IN LUCK

A man was sitting on a beach and he had no arms and no legs.

Three women walking past felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"

The bloke said "No", so she gave him a hug and walked away.

Then the second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The bloke said "No", so she gave him a kiss and walked away.

Then the third woman came up to him and said "Have you ever been f*ck*d?"

The bloke said "No",

"You will be when the tide comes in."

  ~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~


     This first instalment from Darwin John ...

                            THE IMMIGRANTS CHAPTER 1

Two lads of middle European origin are immigrating to Oz in the middle
60's. As was the case with many immigrants back then they came by ship and
were landed at Circular Quay in Sydney.

As their ship steams through the heads and down the harbour, Luigi says to
his friend Giuseppe "Whena we get here, you gunna eat Australian food?"

"Yeah, I'ma guess so, whata bouta you?"

"I'ma don know" says Luigi,"I hear they eata tha dog."

"Na" replies his friend "Who tolda you that".

"I just heara someabody say they eata the dog" reiterated Luigi. "Whata we
gunna do if it'sa true?"

After disembarkation and customs clearance the new chums were wandering past
the myriad kiosks that line the front of the Quay and seeing the many signs
offering Hot Dogs they are mortified. But biting the bullet and realising that
if they are going to live here they had better at least try the local fare.

Clutching in terror their two paper bags containing their dogs they proceed
further into their adopted land.

Finally Giuseppe chances a look into his bag. He closes the neck of the bag
quickly, turning a little green, crosses himself and exclaims ...

"Santa Maria, Luigi, whicha parta th dog you got?"

        [ More of the adventures of these recent arrivals next week. ]

  ~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~

This is a rare contribution from Patricia over at RMIT.


                 CARDINAL PELL EXPELLED FROM VATICAN CONCLAVE

Cardinal George Pell was ejected during the first meeting of the Vatican
Conclave currently meeting on who will succeed Pope John Paul II. Initial
reports indicate that Cardinal Pell, who trialled with the Tigers as a youth
and is co-patron of the Club, was forceably removed from the Sistine Chapel
after Vatican officials discovered the Cardinal listening in to 3AW commentary
as the Tigers thrashed a hopelessly out-classed Fremantle Dockers outfit.

The Conclave members are forbidden from having any electronic communication,
nor are they allowed to read newspapers or make phone calls until a successer
has been chosen.

Vatican Deputy Under-Secretary for AIDS prevention, Cardinal Dean said "He
also appeared to have a list of names. Against some of the names were markings
that looked very much like a running tally and a publication called the AFL
Record. "Look, we probably wouldn't have noticed, but every so often Cardinal
Pell would leap out of his pulpit and scream -
'RRRRiiiiiicchooooooooooo! YEEEAASSS!' You can image the commotion."

"At first we thought it must have been a shout of religious ectascy, but then
we heard what sounded very much like a poor impersonation of a female opera
singer. Cardinal Ratzinger is a fishing nut and recognised the voice as Rex
Hunt and immediately figured out what Cardinal Pell was doing. At that point,
we had to ask him to leave. "

Cardinal Pell is believed to be unrepentant, saying, "I'd do it again in a
heartbeat. Richmond wins are almost as rare as Papal Conclaves. If they make
me Pope, I'll be putting Terry Wallace up for Sainthood faster than you can
say 'Richo's one out in the goal square.'"

  ~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~

     A couple from British Beth

                              WHAT DOES LOVE MEAN?

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8
year-olds, "What does love mean?"

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.
See what you think:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her
toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when
his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca- age 8

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know
that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they
go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries
without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy -age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy nd she takes a sip before
giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing,
you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like
that. They look gross when they kiss" Emily - age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents
and listen." Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you
hate," Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on his planet)

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it
everyday." Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends
even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all
the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only
one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy - age 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody . You don't see anyone else kissing me
to sleep at night." Clare - age 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken" Elaine - age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty nd still says he is handsomer
than Robert Redford." Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all
day." Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and
has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come
out of you." (what an imagination) Karen - age 7

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's
gross." Mark - age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it,
you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8

And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a
contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most
caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbour
was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man
cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap,
and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbour,
the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry"

                       ~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~

                               FLYING HIGH

A man boards a plane and, on reaching his seat, he is surprised to see a parrot
strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the
parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered,
brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls,
"And get me another whisky, you bitch!". Quite upset, the girl comes back
shaking, with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach, "I've
asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ass".

Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched out of their seats and
thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly,
you're a lippy bastard!"

       ~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~


     And from Minnesota Scott (whom we may just rename Republican Scott):

                                THE OLD BUSHWHACKER

One sunny day in 2005, an old man approached the White House from across
Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and
meet with President Kerry."

The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the
same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Kerry is not
President and doesn't reside here."

The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very
same Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said,
"Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to
Mr. Kerry. I've told you already that Mr. Kerry is not the President and
doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."

  ~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~


    And from the tree in South Africa, here is the news with Eric

                           HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest
country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's
third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the
Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years
before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally,
but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail
delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they
now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.  (hey! I just sent it....,
I didn't write it!)

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters
and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions
to campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines

      ~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~


This weeks pics are from Moonboot, Digi Steve, Dave Allnutts, Mandie M&Ms,
Doug the Knight, Gropwo, Brett Dude, UK Smithy, Digi Maria, Little Di, John
Sando, the Deviants from the West, and Petty from The Age, Moir of the Sydney
Morning Herald, and Leahy of the Courier-Mail.

   From Trina:
Can You get out of this room??
There are 13 items hidden in this room in order to let you get out of this room.
If you  find:
0-6 items, your IQ is very low, total idiot
6-8 items, Low IQ, u r an idiot
9-10 items, u r normal
11-12 items, your IQ is high, above the average.
13 items found and get out of the room, there are less than 4000 people in the
world can do it: Click here

  From Rosalie
Hi Ian and Tony,
I stumbled onto this very funny website on writing scientific papers (or the
avoidance of) ... Click here
And for the direct link to the random paper making site, Click here
Although the jargon is computer industry orientated, the authors have offered
the code to the generator for anyone interested in adapting it to their own
nefarious activities!  I'm appalled :)

   From Gropwo
The cause of last week's multi car pile on I-95 near Brunswick, Georgia has
not been determined.  Crack, however, is suspected.  Proof that crack can kill:
 Click here Click here

   From Digi Maria
Angel Decoy
Photos of an Air Force C-130 releasing flares to repel heat seeking missiles.
The pattern formed by these "decoys" is how they got their name 'angel decoy,'
It's truly awesome!  Because manoeuvres are usually in remote areas and over
water, the general public does not get to see these exercises.
[ Except on the ABC-TV's Lateline  -  Ed ]
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

   From his tree in South Africa, Eric has sent this in.
Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service.
One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep."
"I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times."
 Click here

   More from Rosalie
During a dinner conversation, the topic of deep sea fish found on beaches
which were stirred up by the recent tsunami, was mentioned.  It turns out
that those strange fish pictures that were seen on Friday Humour a few months
ago was a hoax.  In disbelief I went to good ole google and looked up strange
fish tsunami and found some very interesting facts.  The fish are indeed real
and not hoaxes, however the specimens were not collected on the beaches after
the tsunami but were collected during the NORFANZ expedition (New Zealand and
Australia Norfolk Ridge - Lord Howe Rise Biodiversity Voyage).  More details
here given by WETPIXEL: Click here
Links to the Australian Museum fish collection: Click here
More fascinating fish under the heading of Deepsea fishes ... Click here
Check out the particularly strange swallowers who eat fish bigger than
themselves ... Click here
The amazing Stoplight Loosejaw: Click here
and the gelatinous Mr Blobby - Click here

  More funny T-shirts: Click here Click here Click here

 And more of the mouse stuck in the printer: Click here Click here Click here

Geri's chess game (large 32Mb AVI movie, but great animation): Click here

The help desk Click here

Kylie Click here

Bounced Click here

Rooted Click here

Family day Click here

New logo Click here

The convenience Click here

Bedtime Click here

How to die Click here

In the news Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Happy camping (a repeat, but an abs classic :-) Click here

Soccer Click here

Happy landings Click here

Woman v Man Click here

Stuff Happens Click here

  ~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~

    An Allnutts quickie

                               DAVE'S BAD NIGHT...

Dave works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays
golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his
birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets
them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress
asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know
that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a bud
at the end of the first nine, honey.

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts
to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance,
big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave
follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.  Dave tries desperately
to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his
wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

"Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch this time."

  ~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~


   These from Vinai over in Oregon ...

                                 THE STATUE

After a heavy day's digging at the archeological site in Norway, researchers
uncovered a priceless statue of the ancient Norse thunder god. He had bulging
muscles and imposing stance, and his famous giant hammer. But most important
of all, the eyes in his fierce-looking face were made of two giant rubies that
glittered with a brilliant red color.

Of course, the two leading archeologists on the dig were both determined that
they should be the one to have their name listed on the discovery. Pretty soon,
a big argument was underway. The two provided the others with a great source
of amusement for the evening. By the time they finally gave up and called a
truce, everyone else was feeling quite refreshed by the entertainment.

As the crowd dispersed, one junior digger turned to his friend, and said,
"Well, that was a fight for Thor eyes."

  ~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~


                                                             Kids Point of View

(Answers given by elementary school age children to the following questions.)

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the
   world and one dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string,
   I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background.  Like - is he a crook?  Does he get drunk
   on beer?

3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's
   who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's. Moms have
   magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic
   surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it
   and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.

  ~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~


                                 HOPEFUL

A young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a protracted
period of dating with no talk of marriage. One night her steady boyfriend took
her to a Chinese restaurant.

As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So... how do you like your
rice? Boiled? Or fried?"

Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied, "Thrown."

  ~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~


This is the first contribution from Leanne in Perth who writes:

  "Like many others, I've been reading the Friday humour pages for a while now
   and thought it was time to contribute something.  It's a little bit
   different but I think it speaks straight to the heart of most Aussies.
   Hope you like it ..."

                                 THE TONG MASTER

Griff was at the barbecue and Joel was at the barbecue and I was at the
barbecue; three men standing around a barbecue, sipping beer, staring at
sausages, rolling them backwards and forwards, never leaving them alone.

We didn't know why we were at the barbecue; we were just drawn there like moths
to a flame. The barbecue was a powerful gravitational force, a man-magnet. Joel
said the thin ones could use a turn, I said yeah I reckon the thin ones could
use a turn, Griff said yeah they really need a turn it was a unanimous turning
decision.

Griff was the Tong-Master, a true artist, he gave a couple of practice snaps of
his long silver tongs, SNAP SNAP, before moving in, prodding, teasing, and with
an elegant flick of his wrist, rolling them onto their little backs. A lesser
tong-man would've flicked too hard; the sausages would've gone full circle,
back to where they started. Nice, I said. The others went yeah.

Kevin was passing us, he heard the siren-song-sizzle of the snags, the barbecue
was calling, beckoning, Kevinnnnn ... come.  He stuck his head in and said any
room?  We said yeah and began the barbecue shuffle; Griff shuffled to the left,
Joel shuffled to the left, I shuffled to the left,

Kevin slipped in beside me, we sipped our beer.

Now there were four of us staring at sausages, and Griff gave me the nod, my
cue. I was second-in-command, and I had to take the raw sausages out of the
plastic bag and lay them on the barbecue; not too close together, not too far
apart, curl them into each other's bodies like lovers -fat ones,

thin ones, herbed and continental. The chipolatas were tiny, they could easily
slip down between the grill, falling into the molten hot-bead-netherworld below.

Carefully I laid them sideways ACROSS the grill, clever thinking.

Griff snapped his tongs with approval; there was no greater barbecue honour.

P. J. came along, he said looking good, looking good -the irresistible lure of
the barbecue had pulled him in too. We said yeah and did the shuffle, left,
left, left, left, he slipped in beside Kevin, we sipped our beer. Five men,
lots of sausages.

Joel was the Fork-pronger; he had the fork that pronged the tough hides of
the Bavarian bratwursts and he showed a lot of promise. Stabbing away eagerly,
leaving perfect little vampire holes up and down the casing.

P. J. was shaking his head, he said I reckon they cook better if you don't
poke them. There was a long silence, you could have heard a chipolata drop, and
this newcomer was a rabble-rouser, bringing in his crazy ideas from outside. He
didn't understand the hierarchy; first the Tong-master, then the Sausage-layer,
then the Fork-pronger -and everyone below was just a watcher.  Maybe eventually
they'll move up the ladder, but for now - don't rock the Weber.

Dianne popped her head in; hmmm, smells good, she said. She was trying to jostle
into the circle; we closed ranks, pulling our heads down and our shoulders
in, mumbling yeah yeah yeah, but making no room for her. She was keen, going
round to the far side of the barbecue, heading for the only available space
. . . the gap in the circle where all the smoke and ashes blew. Nobody could
survive the gap; Dianne was going to try. She stood there stubbornly, smoke
blinding her eyes, ashes filling her nostrils, sausage fat spattering all over
her arms and face. Until she couldn't take it anymore, she gave up, backed off.

Kevin waited till she was gone and sipped his beer. We sipped our beer, yeah.

Griff handed me his tongs. I looked at him and he nodded. I knew what was
happening, I'd waited a long time for this moment - the abdication. The
tongs weighed heavy in my hands, firm in my grip - was I ready for the
responsibility? Yes, I was. I held them up high and they glinted in the sun. 
Don't forget to turn the thin ones Griff said as he walked away from the
barbecue, disappearing toward the house. Yeah I called back, I will, I will.

I snapped them twice, SNAP SNAP, before moving in, prodding, teasing, and with
an elegant flick of my wrist, rolling them back onto their little bellies. I
was a natural, I was the TONG-MASTER.

But only until Griff got back from the dunny.

  ~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~

 
    Finally from UK Smithy

                          STRANGE BUMPER STICKERS

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

I need someone real bad ... Are you real bad?

BEAUTY is in the eye of the beer holder.

All men are idiots ... and I married their king.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

I(nternal) R(evenue) S(ervice): We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Out of my mind ... Back in five minutes.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Hang up and drive.

God must love stupid people ... He made SO many.

Your kid may be an honour student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will ... I want to be in it.

I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.

If you can read this I can hit my brakes and sue you.

Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.

Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ... or something like that.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

  ~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~


    Thought for the week:

   "If voters cannot trust even the core election promises, they must start
    to wonder how our system of democracy is supposed to work."
       The Age

    Complete editorial - Click here

  ~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~finito~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~~~###~~~~~~~


[ End Fri humour ]

 Previous (April 15, 2005)  Index Next (April 29, 2005)