Friday humour - April 15, 2005


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

         G'day,
     Just about everybody and their dog seem to be writing web pages these
     days.  I get the impression that most web pages around the 'net have
     been put together by high-school dropouts with an IQ of less than 80.
     What's even more amazing is that so many large corporations employ
     these sorts of people!  I suppose their management must typically have
     the same general level of IQ ... or less perhaps?

     I had a perfect example of this with Telstra recently when I went into
     their web site and filled out a form so I could check my telephone bill.
     After feeding in loads of crap, I was finally accepted and off I went
     to check the bill.  I then found that the latest entry was 2 weeks old!
     Can you believe that?  Online?  Are these guys serious?

     Anyway, I decided to print it anyway - but guess what?  Clicking the
     print button did nothing!  I quickly worked out that Telstra's web site
     only works with Microsoft's "Internet Explorer".  Yep, that's right -
     their brain-dead web pages only work with one web browser - Internet
     Explorer ... the most virus-prone, insecure, and proprietary program
     available.

     So fuming, I gingerley fired up the program for just long enough to print
     my bill and then quickly closed it again.  That was when I read the fine
     print and discovered that "by signing up for Telstra bills online, you
     will no longer be mailed your telephone bill through Australia Post.
     It is now your responsibility to check online and pay when appropriate."

     Err ... hello??  The sign-up form said nothing about that!  I just wanted
     to check my 'phone bill on line, but now that I'd signed up, I'm no longer
     gonna be mailed a hard copy any more?  You're kidding?

     Well, no - they weren't.  This message was now visible in a number
     of places.  Hadn't been mentioned before, of course, in the general
     hype or in the sign-up form.

     This is what I mean with web pages and their authors and/or management IQ.
     I mean - how hard is it to add one sentence that states at the outset
     that "IF YOU FILL OUT THIS FORM TO ALLOW YOU TO CHECK YOUR TELEPHONE BILL
     ONLINE, IT WILL BE YOUR RESPONSIBILTY TO COME BACK HERE FROM NOW ON AND
     CHECK IT.  WE WILL NO LONGER MAIL YOU A HARD COPY."

     Needless to say, we rang them the next day and told them where to go.  But
     this is the Telstra that's still 51% government owned!  One does worry
     about where we'll be after they sell it off in the next 12 months or so.
     True - this is what most Australians do desperately want ... after all,
     more than half the country voted for John Howard and the Liberals in
     our last election.  But I still worry, minority that I might be!

     Grrrrr ... oh well, be warned, anyway!

                           ----====#===#===#====----

     To the real humour now - and first up again this week, it's a quickie
     from CUB and John the Klimek:
                            -------------------------

A pork chop goes into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says, "Sorry, you're food, and we don't serve food here".

This skeleton walks into a bar and says give me a beer and give me a mop.

So, this fly walks into a bar and he walks up to a woman sitting at the
bar and says, "I like that stool you're sitting on."

"Hey Bartender.  Pour me a cold one."
"Hey, go on, kid, you wanna get me in trouble?"
"Maybe later; right now I just wanna beer."
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     And a quickie stanza from unix:

There once was a girl named Irene
Who lived on distilled kerosene
But she started absorbin'
A new hydrocarbon
And since then has never benzene.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Hollywood Len passed this one on:

                  A CARROT, AN EGG, OR A CUP OF COFFEE?

You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things
were so hard for her.  She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted
to give up.  She was tired of fighting and struggling.  It seemed as one problem
was solved, a new one arose.  Her mother took her to the kitchen.  She filled
three pots with water and placed each on a high fire.  Soon the pots came
to boil.  In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs,
and in the last she placed ground coffee beans.  She let them sit and boil,
without saying a word.  In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners.
She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl.  She pulled the eggs
out and placed them in a bowl.  Then she ladled the coffee out and placed
it in a bowl.

Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what you see?"

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots.  She did
and noted that they were soft.  The mother then asked the daughter to take
an egg and break it.  After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard
boiled egg.  Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee.  The
daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.  The daughter then asked,
"What does it mean, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity -
boiling water.  Each reacted differently.  The carrot went in strong, hard, and
unrelenting.  However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened
and became weak.  The egg had been fragile.  Its thin outer shell had protected
its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside
became hardened.  The ground coffee beans were unique, however.  After they
were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter.  "When adversity knocks on your
door, how do you respond?  Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?"

"Think of this: Which am I?  Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain
and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?  Am I the egg
that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat?  Did I have a
fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other
trial, have I become hardened and stiff?  Does my shell look the same, but on
the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?  Or
am I like the coffee bean?  The bean actually changes the hot water, the very
circumstance that brings the pain.  When the water gets hot, it releases
the fragrance and flavour."

"If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better
and change the situation around you.  When the hour is the darkest and
trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level?
How do you handle adversity?  Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?"

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you
strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they
just make the most of everything that comes along their way.  The brightest
future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life
until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying, but everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone
around you is crying.  You might want to send this message to those people
who mean something to you - to those who have touched your life in one way or
another; to those who make you smile when you really need it; to those who
make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down; to those
whose friendship you appreciate; to those who are so meaningful in your life.

   ===== By Anne Dremann
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        And here's something from our Maria of the Digi department:

                               RUSSIAN WIFE

A Russian woman married an English gentleman and they lived happily ever
after in London.  However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English,
but did manage to communicate with her Husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs.

She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked
like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.

The butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts.  Again, she didn't know
how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse
to show the butcher her breasts!  The butcher understood again, and gave her
some chicken Breasts.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.  Unable to find a way to
communicate this, she brought her husband to the store ...

(Please scroll down)



...





...





...





 ... hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!
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         Okay - one from Ron now ...

                                    COWGIRL

A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders
three mugs of Bud.  She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of
each one in turn.  When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders
three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat
after I draw it.  It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters.  One is in Australia,
the other is in Dublin.  When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised
that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.  So I'm
drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.  The
cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.  She
orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs.  All the regulars take notice
and fall silent.  When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the
bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer
my condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes
and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that
my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my sisters though."
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             Ahhh, what the heck ... here's another from Unix:
                           -------------------------

                      DAVE BARRY, "WHAT IS ELECTRICITY?"

Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, mixers,
etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of these
things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug them in.

Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who
flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a serious electrical shock.
This proved that lighting was powered by the same force as carpets, but it
also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that he started speaking only
in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A penny saved is a penny earned."
Eventually he had to be given a job running the post office.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        And from the April 2005 Scientific American (via Jill Rounds),
        this article on Black Holes:
                            -------------------------

Demolishing stars, powering blasts of high-energy radiation, rending the fabric
of spacetime: it is not hard to see the allure of black holes.  They light up
the same parts of the brain as monster trucks and battlebots do.  They explain
violent celestial phenomena that no other body can.  They are so extreme,
in fact, that no one really knows what they are.

Most researchers think of them as microscopic pinpricks, the remnants of
stars that have collapsed under their own weight.  But over the past couple
of years, a number of mavericks have proposed that black holes are actually
extended bodies, made up of an exotic state of matter that congeals, like a
liquid turning to ice, during the collapse.  The idea offers a provocative way
of thinking about quantum gravity, which would unify Einstein's general theory
of relativity with quantum mechanics.

In the textbook picture, the pinprick (or singularity) is surrounded by an
event horizon.  The horizon is not a physical surface, merely a conceptual
one, and although it marks the point of no return for material plummeting
toward the singularity, relativity says that nothing special happens there;
the laws of physics are the same everywhere.  For quantum mechanics, though,
the event horizon is deeply paradoxical.  It allows information to be lost
from our world, an act that quantum theory forbids. "What you have been
taught in school is almost certainly wrong, because classical black hole
spacetimes are inconsistent with quantum mechanics," says physicist George
Chapline of Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory.

The new conceptions of black holes eliminate the event horizon altogether.  The
basic idea is that there does, in fact, exist a force that could halt the
collapse of a star when all else fails.  That force is gravity itself.  In
matter with certain properties, gravity switches from being an attractive
force to a repulsive force.  Such a material, going by the name "dark energy,"
is thought to be driving the acceleration of cosmic expansion.

Last year physicists Pawel O. Mazur of the University of South Carolina and
Emil Mottola of Los Alamos National Laboratory reasoned that a pocket of the
stuff might freeze out, like ice crystals, during the collapse of a star.  The
result, which they call a gravastar, would look like fried ice cream: a crust
of dense but otherwise ordinary matter stabilised by a curious interior.  The
crust replaces what would have been the event horizon.

Another proposal goes further.  It conjectures not only that dark energy would
freeze out but that relativity would break down altogether.  The idea comes
from a dark-horse contender for quantum gravity, the proponents of which are
struck by the resemblance between the basic laws of physics and the behavior
of fluids and solids (also known as condensed matter).  In many ways, the
equations of sound propagation through a moving fluid are a dead ringer for
general relativity; sound waves can get trapped in the fluid much as light
gets trapped in a black hole.  Maybe spacetime is literally a kind of fluid.

What makes this approach so interesting is that the behavior of condensed
matter is collective.  The details of individual molecules hardly matter; the
system's properties emerge from the act of aggregation.  When water freezes,
the molecules do not change, but the collective behavior does, and the laws
that apply to liquids no longer do.  Under the right conditions, a fluid can
turn into a superfluid, governed by quantum mechanics even on macroscopic
scales.  Chapline, along with physicists Evan Hohlfeld, Robert B. Laughlin and
David I. Santiago of Stanford University, has proposed that a similar process
happens at event horizons.  The equations of relativity fail, and new laws
emerge. "If one thinks of spacetime as a superfluid, then it is very natural
that in fact something physical does happen at the event horizon--that is,
the classical event horizon is replaced by a quantum phase transition,"
Chapline says.

For now, these ideas are barely more than scribbles on the back of an envelope,
and critics have myriad complaints about their plausibility.  For example,
how exactly would matter or spacetime change state during the collapse
of a star?  Physicist Scott A. Hughes of the Massachusetts Institute
of Technology says, "I don't see how something like a massive star--an
object made out of normal fluid, with fairly simple density and pressure
relations--can make a transition into something with as bizarre a structure
as a gravastar."  Mainstream theories of quantum gravity are far better
developed.  String theory, for one, appears to explain away the paradoxes of
black holes without abandoning either event horizons or relativity.

Observationally, the new conceptions of black holes could be hard to
distinguish from the classical picture--but not impossible.  Gravitational
waves should reveal the shape of spacetime around putative black holes.  A
classical hole, being a simple object without a true surface, has only a
couple of possible shapes.  If one of the gravitational-wave observatories
now going into operation finds a different shape, then the current theories
of physics would be yet another thing in the universe to get torn to shreds
by a black hole.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Enough of physics - back to CUB now and some more humour from John:

                              THE YOUNG PRIEST

A young preacher was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service
for a man who died with no family or friends.  The funeral was held way
back in the country and the young preacher got lost on the way.  When he
arrived an hour late, he saw a backhoe and crew, but the hearse was nowhere
in sight.  The workmen were eating lunch.

The diligent pastor went to the open grave to find the vault lid in place,
but still he poured out his heart and preached an impassioned and lengthy
service.  Returning to his car, the young preacher felt that he had done
his duty and he would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication,
in spite of his tardiness.

As he got into his car, he overheard one of the workers talking to another
worker: "I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years, and Iain't never seen
anything like that before."  Sort of gives new meaning to the term "Holy Sh_t."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


              And just before the pics, one from Melbourne Uni Lee:
                            -------------------------

                   MORE THINGS STRESSED WOMEN MAY SAY AT WORK

Okay, okay!  I take it back.  Unf#ck you.

Therapy is expensive.  Popping bubble wrap is cheap.  You choose.

Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts
of self-control?

Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

I'm not your type.  I'm not inflatable.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise you haven't gone to
sleep yet!

Don't worry.  I forgot your name too.

Not all men are annoying.  Some are dead.

Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work is done here.

Ambivalent?  Well ... yes and no.

You look like shit.  Is that the style now?

Earth is full.  Go home.

You are depriving some village of an idiot.

If arseholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Okay - here's the pics for this week - first up, from Digi Steve:
                            -------------------------

Stationary is bad (WMV movies): Click here Click here Click here

    and

Juggler: Click here
                            -------------------------

      And one from Mandie about ...

Stupid cupid! Click here
                            -------------------------

      From IsK - "Heard this today and thought you might want to put it on
      Friday humour ..."

Shoot: Click here
                            -------------------------

      Our next contributor want's to stay anonymous with these:

You've got to be quick with this one: Click here
Do me up: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
                            -------------------------

      Something from Rosalie next:

 "Please find attached a nifty little pps game - Helicopter.pps.  In my sister's
 words ... for those moments of boredom:" (Micro$oft Powerpoint) Click here

   and this weird webcam

Spot the duck: Click here
                            -------------------------

       Forget who sent these in, but here they are anyway ...

Ads: Click here Click here Click here Click here
                            -------------------------

       Bob from Sydney passed these on:

Drawing a dog (Micro$oft Powerpoint): Click here
Survey (Micro$oft Powerpoint, and X-rated): Click here
                            -------------------------

       Mad Mick is currently receiving visitations over in the good ol' UK
       from his cousin, CSIRO's Dr David Rand.  This isn't humour really -
       just a shot taken in a local pub over there:

David Rand and Mad Mick: Click here
                            -------------------------

       And a nice collection from Digi Maria:

The birds and the bees: Click here
Snapdragon: Click here
Cupid's turn: Click here
Hallucinant (Micro$oft Powerpoint): Click here
Great machines: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here
                            -------------------------

       A couple of people have made suggestions re the next Pope.  Here's
       one from Ian Watson:

Next Pope #1: Click here
                            -------------------------

       And here's the other one - from Mike Horne:

Next Pope #2: Click here
                            -------------------------

       One from Hollywood Len:
 Click here
                            -------------------------

       And from Melbourne Uni Lee:
Yellow pages (WMV movie): Click here
School pottery: Click here
                            -------------------------

       Our own James Powell found this little basket-ball movie:

My Basket Ball: Click here
                            -------------------------

       And one from GROPWO:
Bad corner (WMV movie): Click here
                            -------------------------

       African Eric and Maria both came across this one:
Charley and Cam ... Click here
                            -------------------------

       Eric also passed this one on - something to check your ...
Concentration (Micro$oft Powerpoint): Click here
                            -------------------------

       Brett passed on this collection of movies, sound clips and pics:
Desert blast (WMV movie): Click here
Harley bags: Click here
The drill (MP3 audio): Click here
American Idol (WMV movie): Click here
                            -------------------------

       And from Liz the Butler:
Great surfing (movie): Click here
                            -------------------------

       The Castle Hill Books mob sent this one over:
Yet more Charles and Cam: Click here
                            -------------------------

       And this one from John Sanderson - it's cold in ...
Versoix (Micro$oft Powerpoint): Click here
                            -------------------------

       Finally, yet another classic animation short as passed on by Moonboot
       (and in fact I've just replaced Moonboot's 11Mb version with Digi
       Steve's 40 Mb version - this cartoon is just so beautifully done):

"Gone Nutty", starring Scrat (AVI movie, and it's big - 40Mb): Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Back to the written stuff now, and one from a Scottish newphew of
       sorts, Alastair:
                            -------------------------


A couple decided to go for a meal and after some deliberation settled for
their local Chinese restaurant.

They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special 'Chicken
Surprise'.

The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises
by a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around
before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.

He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot.  He reaches for it and again
the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it
firmly slams back down.

Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and
demands an explanation.

'Well sir', says the waiter, 'What did you order?'

'We both chose the same', he replies, 'the Chicken Surprise'

'Oh I do apologise, this is my fault' says the waiter...

 ... wait for it ...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

'I've brought you the Peeking duck'
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           And yet another little collection from CUB John:
                            -------------------------

1. The Cape Times (Cape Town):

"I have promised to keep his identity confidential,' said Jack Maxim, a
spokeswoman for the Sandton Sun Hotel, Johannesburg, "but I can confirm
that he is no longer in our employment.  We asked him to clean the lifts
and he spent four days on the job.  When I asked him why, he replied: 'Well,
there are forty of them, two on each floor, and sometimes some of them aren't
there'.  Eventually, we realised that he thought each floor had its own
lift, and he'd cleaned the same two twelve times.  We had to let him go.  It
seemed best all round.  I understand he is now working for GE Lighting."


2. The Star (Johannesburg):

"The situation is absolutely under control,"  Transport Minister Ephraem
Magagula told the Swaziland parliament in Mbabane. "Our nation's Merchant
Navy is perfectly safe.  We just don't know where it is, that's all"

Replying to an MP's question, Minister Magagula admitted that the landlocked
country had completely lost track of its only ship, the Swazimar: "We believe
it is in a sea somewhere.  At one time, we sent a team of men to look for
it, but there was a problem with drink and they failed to find it, and
so, technically, yes, we've lost it a bit.  But I categorically reject all
suggestions of incompetence on the part of this government.  The Swazimar
is a big ship painted in the sort of nice bright colours you can see at
night.  Mark my words, it will turn up.  The right honourable gentleman
opposite is a very naughty man,  and he will laugh on the other side of his
face when my ship comes in."

3. The Standard (Kenya):

"What is all the fuss about?"  Weseka Sambu asked a hastily convened news
conference at Jomo Kenyatta International Airport. "A technical hitch like this
could have happened anywhere in the world.  You people are not patriots.  You
just want to cause trouble."

Sambu, a spokesman for Kenya Airways, was speaking after the cancellation of
a through-flight from Kisumu, via Jomo Kenyatta, to Berlin.  The forty-two
passengers had boarded the plane ready for takeoff, when the pilot noticed
one of the tyres was flat.  Kenya Airways did not possess a spare tyre, and
unfortunately the airport nitrogen canister was empty.  A passenger suggested
taking the tyre to a petrol station for inflation, but unluckily the jack
had gone missing so we couldn't get the wheel off.

"Our engineers tried heroically to reinflate the tyre with a bicycle pump,
but had no luck, and the pilot even blew into the valve with his mouth, but
he passed out.  When I announced that the flight had to be abandoned, one of
the passengers, Mr Mutu, suddenly struck me about the face with a lifejacket
whistle and and said we were a national disgrace.  I told him he was being
ridiculous, and that there was to be another flight in a fortnight.  And,
in the meantime, he would be able to enjoy the scenery around Kisumu, albeit
at his own expense."

                           ----====#===#===#====----


Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons.  They
loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their
children.  Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on
names right now.  If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar
fact.  When left alone, one of the boys would always turn towards the sea,
while the other boy would face inland.  It didn't matter which way the parents
positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's
call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman.  His wife agreed,
and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong.  The day came when the
aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that you learned how to make
a living from the sea."  They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes,
and set sail for a three month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not
returned.  Another three months passed, and still no ship.  Three whole years
passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house.
She recognised him as her husband. "My goodness!  What has happened to my
darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole
day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish.  Towards fought long and
hard, but the fish was more than his equal.  For a whole week they wrestled
upon the waves without either of them letting up.  Yet eventually the great
fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of
our ship.  He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible!  What a huge fish that must of been!"

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."
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       Nearly finished for this week, but one more from Digi Maria ...
                            -------------------------


A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.  Unfortunately,
the locals had a habit of picking on strangers, which he definitely was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it
above his head without looking, and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?!" he yelled with surprising
forcefulness.

"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside
by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas!  And you don't want
me to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.  They knew not to underestimate the
word of a Texan, especially one who had a few too many beers.

The man finished off a few more beers and walked outside where his horse
had been returned.

He started saddling up to ride out of town.  The bartender wandered out of
the bar, and saw the man stumbling to get on his horse.

"Say, partner," he said, "before you go...what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
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         Finally - one more from the Castle Hill Books mob:

                          CONFUSED SHEEP IN WALES
                      'RAMBO' BLAMED FOR 4X4 RAM RAID

A ram is being blamed for causing nearly £11,000 damage to line of new 4x4s 
parked in a Pembrokeshire field.

It is thought that "Rambo" caused damage charging into the vehicles, worth an
estimated £200,000, after seeing his reflection in their sides.

The LandRovers and Mitsubishi Shoguns were left at the paddock as the garage did
not have room on its forecourt.

At first police blamed yobs, but Rambo was uncovered as the main suspect when he
charged one of the garage staff.

Martin Green, from Green's Land Rover at Haverfordwest, said Rambo had come
through a broken fence into the paddock where the vehicles were temporarily
parked.

Garage staff who went to the field a week later found the brand-new vehicle's
door panels were battered and dented.  Police were called in to investigate
and the damage was blamed on local vandals.

But Rambo has now been singled out.

"It (the ram) could see its reflection in the polished paintwork and thought it
was another ram," said the 44-year-old businessman.

"It was the rutting season and he didn't want a love rival on his patch."

The field was being used as an overflow car park for new registration vehicles
at the garage.

Rambo was uncovered as the mystery vandal when garage worker Claude Brevost,
32, went to collect one of the vehicles and was himself butted.

"Claude was about to get in one of the cars when the ram put its head down and
charged," said Mr Green.

"He ended up a bit bruised but otherwise he was all right - but at least it
solved the mystery for us".

Rambo has since been moved to a field far away from the parked cars and the
damaged 4x4s have been repaired.

But the identity of Rambo's farm and his owner is being kept a secret.

"He's embarrassed enough as it is," said Mr Green.
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[ End Friday humour ]

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