Friday humour - April 08, 2005


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

          Well g'day,
     First up, a correction.  After reading that one on the Rambo Granny
     back on March 18, John Westbrooke pointed out this link at Urban
     Legends - Click here - thanks for passing that on, John.


     Okay - it's a bumper issue this week, so let's get straight into it.
     First up, over to CUB for a couple of quick shots from John on bottling
     line B1 (and in case you're wondering, John usually does late shifts
     there looking after their PLC automation systems):
                               ----------------------

                                YET ANOTHER BAR JOKE

Two ropes go into a bar.

The bartender says, "Get out of here. We don't serve ropes in here."

The ropes go outside and one says to the other, "I have an idea."
He ties himself up, messes up his hair, and goes back in.

The bartender says, "Hey. No ropes."

The rope says, "I'm not a rope."

The bartender says, "You're not a rope?"

"Nope. I'm a frayed knot."

                        ----====#===#===#===#====----

                             NOO, DO YE KEN THIS?

A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a chemist shop to speak to
the pharmacist.  The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded
cotton bandana, opens it to reveal a smaller silk square which he unfolds
to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it.

He holds it up. "How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the pharmacist.

"Six pence," says the pharmacist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence."

The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandana,
places it in his sporran and marches down the aisle and out the door of
the pharmacy. A moment or two later a great shout goes up, followed by an
even greater shout. The Scot walks into the pharmacy again, and back to
the pharmacist.

"The regiment has taken a vote," the Scot says. "We'll have a new one."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        And a couple of even shorter ones from John up at DET in NSW:
                               ----------------------

Q: What has a short sighted gynaecologist and a dog got in common?

A: A wet nose!

                        ----====#===#===#===#====----

[ Skip this next one if you're easily offended.  Come to think of it, don't
  read FH at all if you're easily offended.]

                               NEW ICE-CREAM

A man walks into an ice cream parlour and says, have you got any new flavours,
I've tried all the others and I'm looking for something new!.

The lady behind the counter replies "Well, you're in luck, we do have a new
flavour ... it's cunt flavour!!"

"Excellent!" exclaims the man, "I'll have a double scoop"

The lady gives him his ice cream and the man tries it.  "Yewwwuuuk!!" he
shrieks, "that tastes like shit!"

The lady said "Ah, but that's because your taking too big a lick!"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


           And from our Westerly list, we just came across this one:
                               ----------------------

                          TOADS TURNING DOGS INTO JUNKIES

                            by Suellen Hinde, 18 feb 05
`

Dogs are licking the backs of cane toads to get high from a poison secreted
from their glands, a Territory vet has revealed.

And the dogs are becoming addicted to the hallucinogenic cane toad poison -
bufo toxin.

Katherine vet Megan Pickering said yesterday she had seen many cases of dogs
affected by the deadly toad poison.  "We have had quite a number of cases of
dogs that are getting addicted to the toxin," she said.  "There seems to be
dogs that are licking the toxin to get high.  They lick the toads and only
take in a small amount of the poison - they get a smile on their face and
look like they are going to wander off into the sunset."

Cane toads have been in Katherine for three wet seasons.

And dogs, being dogs, have discovered that just a little lick of bufo toxin
makes a dog's life shine brighter.

Ms Pickering has treated more than 30 dogs suffering from the deadly effects
of bufo toxin at her Katherine Vet Care surgery.  She said there was no
doubt after experiencing the effects of cane toad bufo toxin there were some
bleary-eyed dogs "going back to have a second go".

"It seems some of them have tasted it in small doses but there are others
that have had more toxin and come in fully-fitting.  "But (despite this)
they go on to do it again and again - they seem to have worked it out."

Ms Pickering said the dogs were not developing a tolerance to the toxin but
only ingesting small amounts.  "Larger doses would be fatal," she said.

NT Parks and Wildlife get more inquiries about safeguarding pets from the
toad than on any other aspect.

They say the answer is to keep dogs and cats inside at night, warn and train
them against tackling toads, and best of all keep toads out of your yard.

Ms Pickering said if a dog was suffering from cane toad poisoning - fitting,
running in circles, with bright red gums and/or frothing at the mouth, wash
its mouth out with water as quickly as possible.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        And this one from our resident Librarian (Jill):
                               ----------------------

                                   NUMBER WATCH

John Brignell, Professor Emeritus from the Department of Electronics &
Computer Science at the University of Southampton, is the author of this
informal website "devoted to the monitoring of the misleading numbers that
rain down on us via the media."  Brignell says he aims to "nail" a few of the
"Single Issue Fanatics (SIFs), politicians, bureaucrats, quasi-scientists
(junk, pseudo- or just bad)," who use misleading numbers to write catchy
articles or who try to keep numbers away from public notice.

Since April 2000, he has been posting a "number of the month" as well as a
"number for the year," which offer his commentary on media usage of misleading
numbers and explanations for why the numbers are misleading. He also posts
book reviews and an extensive list of online resources on statistics and
statistics education.

The FAQ section includes answers to some interesting questions, such as
"Is there such a thing as average global temperature?" and some more basic
questions such as "What is the Normal Distribution and what is so normal
about it?"

The Bits and Pieces section includes a variety of short articles on statistics
and his definitions for some terms he uses on the website.  Visitors are also
invited to join the discussion forum (complete with a few advertisements)
and view comments by others who want to discuss "wrong numbers in science,
politics and the media."

A few comments sent to Brignell and his responses are also posted online -
 Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Okay, almost up to the pics and movie clips that so many of you have
       sent in.  But just before we have them, this classic from Digi Maria.
       It's actually a repeat - but let's just call it a "best of".  As
       originally posted by none other than The Bitch (from XRD - otherwise
       known as TBFXRD) in early 1998.  Even if you read it the first time
       around, you'll still enjoy the re-run ...
                               ----------------------


                        MALE AND FEMALE ATTITUDES TO ROMANCE

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine.  He asks her
out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time.  A few nights later
he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves.  They continue to
see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing
anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine,
and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realise that, as of
tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car.  To Elaine, it seems like a very loud
silence.  She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said
that.  Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks
I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or
isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh.  Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either.  Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have
time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are,
moving steadily toward ... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going
to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward
marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that
level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was ... let's see ...  February
when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's,
which means ... lemme check the odometer ...  Whoa! I am way overdue for an
oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset.  I can see it on his face.  Maybe I'm
reading this completely wrong.  Maybe he wants more from our relationship,
more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it
- that I was feeling some reservations.  Yes, I bet that's it.  That's why
he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings.  He's afraid of
being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission
again.  I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right.
And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time.  What cold
weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn
garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry.  And I don't blame him.  I'd be angry, too.
God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way
I feel.  I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty.
That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to
come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly
good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about,
a person who seems to truly care about me.  A person who is in pain because
of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a
goddamn warranty.  I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ...

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to
brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have ...  Oh God, I feel so ... "

(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight.  I really
know that.  It's silly.  There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time," Elaine says.  (There is
a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up
with a safe response.  Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might
work.)

"Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"Which way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to
become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a
horse.)  At last she speaks.

"Thank you Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul,
and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a
bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a
re-run of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of.  A
tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was
going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would
ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about
it.  (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and
they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.  In painstaking
detail, they will analyse everything she said and everything he said, going
over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for
nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.  They will
continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months - never
reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of
his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say "Hey Norm,
did Elaine ever own a horse?"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Onto the pics and general multimedia stuff now.  First up, one from
      Sydney Bob and also GROPWO - latter added the comment "very impressive,
      although typically the men do not see that the girl has obviously hit
      her head":

An amazing flip (takes nerve or lack of common sense): Click here
                               ----------------------

      Over now to that special tree in South Africa for these ones from Eric:

The Wooster collection: Click here

And the wonders of makeup: Click here Click here Click here

Plus a few comments on petrol prices: Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

And the last branch on Eric's tree this week contained this link called
Stop alien abductions: Click here
                               ----------------------

       These are from Hollywood Len - the first came with this intro:

    To My Friends: I'm letting you know before you hear it through a rumor
    mill, that I have been contacted by a woman who alleges that I am the
    father of her child. I do not know whether she wishes to substantiate
    this by means of a DNA test; however, she has sent a photograph of the
    child, which bears a very strong and undeniable resemblance. On the
    basis of this photographic evidence, I have decided to begin paying
    child support immediately: Click here

River cruise: Click here
Huh? Click here
                               ----------------------

       And from the Kaiser (who says "Hilarious!  Features a woman's naked
       butt, just so you know ..."):

Hypnotic: Click here
                               ----------------------

       Captain Ron sent these - first one's from Rome -
"For Sale.  Deceased estate.  Range Rover, heavily modified but can still
be registered for normal street use.  $27,000 ONO": Click here

Plus some more baaaaad days (all MPEG movies): Click here
 Click here Click here Click here
                               ----------------------

       Moonboot's off to sunny Africa this week with his beautiful wife for
       a pleasant break, so he's sent a lot of movies over to keep us going
       during the next cupla weeks.  And some pics - like this one:

Yep another Bin Laden collection: Click here

       We've copied this next one over onto Digi Steve's server, so when you
       click on it, we'd be interested in what sort of download speed you
       get.   It's a large clip (30Mb) - the rude version of LOTR from MTV,
       which we've had once before but only in postage stamp size:

LOTR - rude (large MPEG movie): Click here

       And lastly from Moonboot for this week, another large file (30Mb) about
       a very hot day in Denmark ... (Large and X-rated) Click here
                               ----------------------

       Now Chris (son of UK Beth) wasn't all too impressed with being called
       SOB (or SOUKB) - so let's just settle for UK Chris (or Chris B) -
       anyway, Chris came across some more interesting body painting pics:

All face: Click here
Heavy growth: Click here
Tropical: Click here
Pink Floyd: Click here
Happy Santa: Click here
Hmmmm ... Click here
Thirst quenching: Click here
This one was band: Click here
Mark from CSIRO IT: Click here
                               ----------------------

       And from my namesake, John Sanderson (the last one's a repeat from
       around 3 years ago, but it's a classic):

Crazy Jap (WMV movie): Click here
Skydive (WMV movie): : Click here
Road fun (MPG movie): Click here
                               ----------------------

       Nike Steve just posted these over:

Folk dancing (WMV movie): Click here
Young love (WMV movie): Click here
Masculout (WMV movie): Click here
                               ----------------------

       And from Digi Steve himself - these quickies from his own server:

Barbie got hurt, mummy (MPEG movie): Click here
Look out! (X-rated MPEG movie): Click here
Life in the office (Powerpoint): Click here
                               ----------------------

       The Castle Hill books mob forwarded these over - Man versus Woman:

Trophy: Click here
Birth control: Click here
Bed wars: Click here
Vows: Click here
Big enough: Click here
Bend over: Click here
And more strange signs: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
                               ----------------------

       From GROWPO, this dog trick video: Click here
                               ----------------------

       Ian Watson sent these over:

Beer: Click here
Dirty: Click here
Number plates: Click here
Oh no you don't!  Click here
Return to base: Click here
                               ----------------------

       And this collection from Digi Maria re Engrish:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here
                               ----------------------

       Plus one from Mandy - Snow fight (MPEG movie) - Click here
                               ----------------------

       And from our BHP correspondent:

A great deal has been achieved by the Mute Tourettes Foundation using
new art therapy techniques. However, their work can only continue with
your help. Just $1.50 will keep a child supplied with crayons for a whole
day. $5.00 will provide them with enough paper for a week.

Please give what you can to help this deserving cause. Attached is a
picture of what can be achieved from your kind donation: Click here
                               ----------------------

       Finally, a long sound-bite.  This is an historical piece from Radio
       National here in Oz, quite reminiscent of the film "Arsenic and
       Old Lace".  Almost an hours worth, it's hilarious - all about the
       poisoning and home-brew murders that used to go on in Oz before the
       poisons register existed.  Well worth putting the feet up and having
       a listen if you get a chance one evening or over the weekend.  You can
       hear it direct from the RN Hindsight homepage - Click here - if you have

       RealIntrusiveAudio installed on your computer, or you can listen to
       the Bluehaze MP3 copy here:

The Thallium Enthusiasms (MP3 audio): Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Back to the writtem word now, and this one from John Sanderson:

                       JAPAN'S VIRGIN WIVES TURN TO SEX

   To see this story with its related links on the Guardian Unlimited site,
   Click here

   LUSTLESS MATCHES PUT COUNTRY ON BRINK OF DEMOGRAPHIC DISASTER
     Justin McCurry in Tokyo, Monday April 04, 2005 - The Guardian

Like many Japanese women, Junko waited until her early 30s to get married. When
she and her fiance, an employee of a well-known firm, decided to tie the knot,
she set her sights on making a home, putting away some money and starting
a family.

Fifteen years later, Junko and her husband are childless. It is not that
they cannot have children; it is just that they have never had sex.

The sexless marriage is one of several reasons why experts fear Japan is on
the verge of a demographic disaster.

In 2003 Japan's birthrate hit a record low of 1.29 - the average number of
times a woman gives birth during her lifetime - one of the lowest rates in
the world, according to the cabinet office. The population will peak next
year at about 128 million, then decline to just over 100 million by 2050.

The 200 women a year who seek help at a clinic in the Tokyo suburbs have not
had sex with their husbands in up to 20 years, and some never, according to
Kim Myong-gan, who runs the clinic.

"The women who come to see me love their husbands and aren't looking for
a divorce," he told the Guardian. "The problem is that their husbands lose
interest in sex or don't want sex from the start. Many men think of their
wives as substitute mothers, not as women with emotional and sexual needs."

Mr Kim's short-term solution is unconventional. After an initial 20,000 yen
(£100) counselling session, he produces photographs of 45 men, mostly
professionals in their 40s, with whom the women are invited to go on dates
and then, in almost all cases, arrange regular assignations in hotel rooms.

Mr Kim dismissed charges that his service was little more than a male
prostitution ring. "The men volunteer and pay   half the hotel and restaurant
bills, so legally there is absolutely nothing wrong with it," he said.

He had rescued hundreds of women from despair, he said, but his "sex
volunteers" would do nothing to cure the malaise that afflicts the institution
of marriage in Japan.

The number of married couples is in rapid decline. In 2000 almost 70% of
men and 54% of women between 25 and 29 were unmarried. That bodes ill for
the birthrate, as conservative Japanese society frowns upon having children
outside marriage.

A survey of 600 women found that 26% had not had sex with their husbands in
the past year.

"We are sort of room-mates rather than a married couple," one 31-year-old
man, who had not had sex with his wife for two years, told the Asahi Shimbun
newspaper.

The government has introduced several measures to lift the birthrate.
Fathers will be encouraged to take more than the 47% of annual paid leave they
currently use, and their employers will be told to provide more opportunities
for them to stay at home with their children.

Local authorities, meanwhile, are devising novel ways to increase fertility. In
the town of Yamatsuri women will receive 1m yen if they have a third child,
and in Ishikawa prefecture families with three children will get discounts
at shops and restaurants.

The absence of children in so many homes is having an impact. Fun parks are
closing and there are signs that the "exam hell" teenagers go through to
secure places at top schools and universities is less of an ordeal because
the competition is less fierce.

The divorce rate has nearly doubled in the past 10 years, with more women
blaming their sexually inactive, as opposed to sexually errant, husbands
for break-ups.

"The men love their companies; they live for work," Mr Kim said. "Men don't
even think it is a problem if they don't have sex with their wives. They
have pornography and the sex industry to take care of their needs, but their
wives have nowhere to go. They just suffer in silence."

  Copyright Guardian Newspapers Limited
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


          Let's have another quickie from John over at the bubble factory:

There was a couple who were big over-spenders.

They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but never able to save any
money to do so.

One day they came with an idea - each time they have sex, they will put $20.00
bill into piggy bank.

They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year.
After that time, they decided that there is enough money for their dream
vacation and broke the piggy bank. The husband looked at their savings and
said: "Isn't it strange. Each time we had sex, I put $20.00 into piggy. But
here we have many $50.00 and a few $100.00 bills."

The wife replied: "Do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Now over to the good ol' State of Oregon and some more from Vinae:
                               ----------------------

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.

The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because
attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign .....

  Energy efficient vehicle.

  Runs on oats and grass.

  Caution: Do not step on exhaust.

                        ----====#===#===#===#====----

There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos.  During Sunday services
at the Offertory, some worshipers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash.

Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win. Since there are
so many casinos, the Catholic churches send all the chips into the diocese
for sorting.

Once sorted for the respective casino the chips belong to, one junior priest
takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash.

And he is known as the chipmonk.

                        ----====#===#===#===#====----

                              SLEEPING MARINE

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was
taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed,
I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted
the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the
truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained
in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed.

"How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the
Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said,
'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

                        ----====#===#===#===#====----

Drug problems (has music) Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

       And finally for the week, one for the locals (Melbourne - or at least
       Oz).  From Brett Valentine, it's the new theme song for the Richmond
       Football Club following their loss of around $1m of Transport Accident
       Commission sponsorship following yet another player just having been
       sprung for drink-driving:
                               ----------------------


Oh we're from Liquorland
Drive in a hurry
We're from Liquorland

In any weather you will see us with a gin
dribbling down our chin
If we're behind, it's coz we're blind
Then in our cars get in

Oh we're from Liquorland
We never stop until the copper's siren blows
Like the Tigers of old,
We skull Toohey's Gold

For we're from Liquor ...
("Blue label not Black")
We're from Liquorland.

Oh we're from Tiger Land,
A bunch of p#ss heads.
We love Liquor Land.

In any weather you will see us with a grin,
Drinking Bourbon or Gin.
And when we drive we blow point 05,
And our sponsor chucks it in.

Oh we're from Tiger Land,
We never weaken to the final pub is closed.
And like the Tigers of (Toohey's) Old
We love our beer cold,
Oh we're from tiger
(I'LL SHOUT YOU BACK)
Oh we're from Tiger land..
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Friday humour ]

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