Friday humour - March 31, 2005

     From Davo at bluehaze:

I've found Tony's recent editorials involving the complex subject of depression
very enlightening - and so have several FH readers.
Our most recent contributor, Austin in the Sun, sent this in ...

  "G'day Mates (as you all say down under),
  I am in Trinidad and Tobago, and I found your site over a year ago. I often
  wondered just when I'd find a gem worthy of your wonderful collection,
  and I think this is it.  Passed on by my boss this was (fridayhumor is a
  staple in my department - when clients aren't breathing down our necks).
  It was originally captioned "The husband must have come home early" - so
  I hope you enjoy it - Click here

  By the way, your editorials (especially the ones about depression) are spot
  on.  I'd just like to say that sometimes, we need to give other people the
  time to be heard. Just being there and listening to what someone has to say
  could make all the difference to them, especially if they're at the end of
  their rope.
    Take care,
      Austin in the Sun"

Thanks Austin - and "well said, Aussie"!

I suffered a bad bout of anxiety and depression some 20 years ago and still
vividly remember how all-encompassing and debilitating it was.  One thing
though - you quickly work out who your true friends are!

My advice to anyone who lives with (or knows) someone suffering or suspected
to be suffering, is to give a lot of love, patience, and understanding.
Remember that time is a great healer.  Love and patience are relatively
easy things to give - but understanding is not.  Just try and remember that
the sufferer frequently can't understand their plight any more than you can.

Try not to lecture.  It's futile saying things like "pull yourself together"
or "pull your socks up" to someone who at this point in time doesn't think
he or she has any figurative socks to pull up.  Just be ready to listen when
the time is right.

Okay - to the brighter side ...

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First up these from John and Sarge from the B1 bottling line at CUB


* Airplanes usually kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.

* Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

* Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."

* Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection.

* Airplanes come with a manual to explain their operation.

* Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.

* Airplanes can be flown at any time of the month.

* Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

* Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flow before.

* Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

* Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.

* Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

* Airplanes expect to be tied down.

* Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

* Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

* However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.

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                                HOW TO AVOID THE FLU

Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies. Take your
vitamins and bump up your vitamin C. Get plenty of exercise because exercise
helps build your immune system. Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim,
take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc. Wash your hands often. If you
can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around. Get lots of
fresh air. Open windows whenever possible. Get plenty of rest.

OR Take the doctor's office approach.

Think about it... When you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm
with alcohol.  Why? Because alcohol kills germs.

So ...

I walk to the liquor store (exercise). I put lime in my Corona (fruit). Celery
in my Bloody Mary (veggie). Drink outdoor at the patio bar (fresh air). Get
drunk, tell jokes, laugh (relieve stress). Then pass out (rest).

The way I see it... If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't
get you!!!!

Cheers! It's five o'clock somewhere!

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A couple from British Beth

                              THREE TIMES A LADY

An elderly couple were sitting around one evening and the man says to his wife,

"We are about to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary. We've had a wonderful
life together, full of contentment and blessings. But there's something I've
always wondered about. Tell me, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

She hesitates a while and then says, "Yes, three times."

Three times? How did it happen?" the man asks.

The wife begins slowly, "Well, do you remember right after we were married
and we were broke and the bank was going to foreclose on our little house?

"Yes, that was really a terrible time," he replies.

The wife continues, "And remember when I went to see the banker one night
and the next day the bank extended our loan?"

"It is hard to take," the man says, "but I guess it really was for us and
I can forgive you. What was the second time?"

"Well," she continues, "do you remember years later when you almost died
from the heart problem because we couldn't afford the operation?"

"Yes, I do," the man replies.

"Then you remember that right after I went to see the doctor, he did your
operation at no cost?" the wife continues.

Yes," says the husband. "That shocks me too, but I understand you did it
because of your love for me and I forgive you. But what was the third time?"

The wife lowers her head and says, "Remember when you ran for Exalted Ruler
of the Elks and needed 62 more votes ...?"

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   This weeks pics are from UK Smithy, Isk, Moonboot, Kaiser, Mad Mick
   of Marwick, Dave Allnutts, Steve Barry, Donald Smith, Hollywood Len,
   Austin in sunny T&T, John Sanderson, Leunig from The Age, and Leahy from
   the Courier-Mail.

   UK Smithy sent this blatant site in.  ***Please do not view if nudity
   offends*** The all nude police officer calendar for 2005 comes in an
   all-male and an all-female version. All pics show full frontal nudity,
   for both female and males. Just click on the menu to select which one you
   want to view. They are available for sale on the site -- the calendars,
   not the officers. Click on the site below to view all 12 (24) totally nude
   police officers.  Click here

   Moonboot sent this in - it's huge! - almost a Moonboot/Tony/Digi-Steve
   co-effort to get it up.  Have patience for it to load before playing it.
   Tripping the Rift: Click here

Funny signs: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Robbery (movie) images19691.wmv

My love (movie) imagesBush-Blair_sing_'MyLove'.wmv

Rambo chick imagesrambo_chick.jpeg

Wine calculator (M$ Word doc) Click here

Snag (or how to tell a really rich guy): Click here

Asylum Click here

Pipedream Click here

Friends Click here

Oz party Click here

Just checking (M$ Powerpoint) Click here

In the news: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Swiss Rocketman (M$ movie) Click here

Non-streaker (movie) Click here

Wrong way Click here

Mint fresh (movie - XXXX rated): Click here

Every woman's nightmare (M$ Powerpoint) Click here

You are feeling sleepy Click here

Hubby Minding Centre (M$ movie) Click here

TrunkMonkey I & II (M$ movies): Click here Click here

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   Another one from British Beth


Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic
slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that
his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day
Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something
about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "

I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do
something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them
go even faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every
day for three weeks.

Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up
my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to
let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling
everyday to complain. The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.

Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to
give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put
up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got
to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go
out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that we could
use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house,
and his jaw dropped  the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a
sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY Go slow and watch out for the chicks!

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Smithy sent this in from Sherwood Forest


Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their
position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.

The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two
weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes,"
and looks about with considerable pride.

Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have
much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I
can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder
to shoulder on his erect penis."

After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a
confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation
I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera. It's to my
parents' house in Philadelphia for two weeks."

The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes. He
bought me a Honda."

"Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make. Canary number
thirteen has to stand on one leg!"

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This soppy offering fell out of Eric's tree in South Africa

                                   CHOCOLATE SINGS

One day I had a date for lunch with friends. Mae, a little old "blue hair"
about 80 years old, came along with them - all in all, a pleasant bunch.

When the menus were presented, we ordered salads, sandwiches, and soups,
except for Mae who said, "Ice Cream, please. Two scoops, chocolate."

I wasn't sure my ears heard right, and the others were aghast.

"Along with heated apple pie," Mae added, completely unabashed. We tried to
act quite nonchalant, as if people did this all the time.

But when our orders were brought out, I didn't enjoy mine. I couldn't take
my eyes off Mae as her pie a-la-mode went down. The other ladies showed
dismay. They ate their lunches silently and frowned.

The next time I went out to eat, I called and invited Mae. I lunched on
white meat tuna.. She ordered a parfait. I smiled. She asked if she amused
me. I answered, "Yes, you do, but also you confuse me. How come you order
rich desserts, while I feel I must be sensible?"

She laughed and said, with wanton mirth, "I'm tasting all that's possible. I
try to eat the food I need, and do the things I should. But life's so short,
my friend, I hate missing out on something good. This year I realised how
old I was. (She grinned) I haven't been this old before."

"So, before I die, I've got to try those things that for years I had
ignored. I haven't smelled all the flowers yet. There are too many books I
haven't read. There's more fudge sundaes to wolf down and kites to be flown
overhead. There are many malls I haven't shopped. I've not laughed at all
the jokes. I've missed a lot of Broadway hits and potato chips and cokes.

I want to wade again in water and feel ocean spray on my face. I want to
sit in a country church once more and thank God for His grace. I want peanut
butter every day spread on my morning toast. I want UN-timed long distance
calls to the folks I love the most. I haven't cried at all the movies yet, or
walked in the morning rain. I need to feel wind in my hair. So, if I choose
to have dessert, instead of having dinner, then should I die before night
fall, I'd say I died a winner, because I missed out on nothing. I filled my
heart's desire. I had that final chocolate mousse before my life expired."

With that, I called the waitress over. "I've changed my mind," I said. "I
want what she is having, only add some more whipped cream!"

This is my gift to you - We need an annual Friends Day! If you get this twice,
then you have more than one friend.

Live well, love much &laugh often - Be happy.

Be mindful that happiness isn't based on possessions, power, or prestige,
but on relationships with people we love and respect.

Remember that while money talks, CHOCOLATE SINGS

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This one from Minnesota Scott

                                   COCKY PARROT

A Woman's dishwasher blew up one day so she called a repairman. Since she had
to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under
the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you
a cheque."

"Oh - and by the way - don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But
whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at the woman's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But just as
the woman had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman
go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his
incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't
contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied,

"Get him, Spike!"

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This last one came in from Biggus:

                                     VIZ LETTERS

"I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's prison
population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world
gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of
a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of."

"Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about
Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies
for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius."

"Isn't it marvellous how Falklands hero Simon Weston hasn't aged over the
last 20 years? People in Los Angeles would pay a fortune for the secret of
eternal youth that Simon is so lucky to possess."

"They say 'don't judge a book by it's cover'. What nonsense. The last edition
of 'High School An6l' featured a young lady taking it up her bomb-bay on
the front page. This proved to be an excellent guide to its contents."

"How come St. George got beatified for killing the rarest creature ever
with a massive sword, while I get absolutely f*cked by the RSPCA for slaying
common frogs with a penknife? As usual, it's one law for knights in armour
and another for the rest of us."

"WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a shit
anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've
been banged"

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And the quote of the week?

  "The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those
   who don't have it."
            - George Bernard Shaw

C U next week!

[ End Fri humour ]

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